Natsukashii

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2011-01-01T20:18:00.001+11:00

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NATSUKASHII

Happy 2nd Birthday, Rory-Jane.

2010-12-11T20:35:00.002+11:00

Somehow, on Monday, you're two, my wubsy girl. You're growing up way too quickly, and every single moment is fascinating and magical. You're such a funny girl, with enormous personality.

You like to share my face creams, nail polish, and to have your hair brushed. Yet you play in the dirt, and roughhouse with the boys. You're so adaptable, so cruisy. Your favorite part of every day is school run. You love taking Finn to school and picking him up, and boy does the school love you. Teachers, parents, a myriad of children look at and comment on you adoringly. Several of Finns classmates endlessly seek hugs and waves from you, every day. And you willingly oblige. Like a royal on tour, you wave grandly, totally comfortable in the spotlight and attention. When you fell, and scraped your knees, you were SO proud of the scabs. You'd hoist your pant legs up for WEEKS after, and proudly show all and sundry, delighting in their indulgent cries of "Oh no!!!"

You mostly talk in babble still. Why use language when people pretty much get you everything you need and want without it, right? Somehow, yogurt is pronounced 'hala' and is your absolute favorite food. You loved the prawns we had for dinner, and there isn't much you'll refuse to eat.

When you are offered something that makes you happy, you pump your little fists in the air and shout, "Oh la!!!" (oh yeah!) It is hilarious. Naturally, the rest of us all say 'Oh la!!' now too, in moments of excitement.

You know that you're only allowed your dummy at night in bed, and you love to go and steal it from the cot during the day for a quick suck, then show me what you are doing, with mischief and cheek. You put it right back when asked, but you like to show me you're being rebellious first. Such a ratbag!

Recently, you have increasingly developed your sweet side. You'll walk by me, and stop to kiss my arm, or hug my legs. You adore your Mama, and often insist it is me that has your full attention, shunning all others. So fickle. lol. When you want someones attention, you will call them loudly and repeatedly, until you have it. "MAMA. MAMA. MAMA. MAMA." Often, you will grab my face in your hands and turn it to you, forcing me to pay attention if I am not quick enough for your liking. You crack me up. You know what you want, that's for sure. And you are fast learning how to get it!

You adore the puppy you got for your birthday. "DOH DOH!" you call, and make hooting noises to imitate a calling whistle. He is equally besotted with you, and if he is out of your sight, you wont relax until you find him again. I foresee a great friendship between you both for years to come. Perfect.

Still, above all, your favorite person in the world, is definitely your 'Ma'. This is what you call Finn. Ma. We eventually worked out, that you are saying "mine" - he is yours. You adore him. You mimic everything he does, everything he says, and you seek his attention and love constantly. He is so good to you. Patient, helpful, loving, and kind. No wonder you adore him so much. He shares his toys, snacks, and life with you, and you think he is your very own special friend. I guess that's exactly what he is. It is so beautiful for me to watch that sibling relationship blossom. There truly is nothing more special.

As for what you mean to me, baby girl, you save me. It's been a rough few years, and you and your brother are just so amazing, I cannot help but feel like the luckiest woman alive. My heart feels like it will explode with love. I wish that I could pause time, you are at such a precious, innocent, and sweet age. Sometimes at night if I am feeling sad or lonely, I look at your pictures and I can't help but grin.

I absolutely adore you. I can't tell you enough. You are pure sunshine, absolute radiant joy, and sheer delight.

"Hey, RJ... Guess what?"
"I loh loo"
"I love you too, beewee girl."

Happy Birthday, my beauty.

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows (Part 1) Review (NO SPOILERS)

2010-11-19T14:42:00.004+11:00

Please note, I have tried hard to avoid any spoilers in the review, please keep it the same in any comments!

I went and saw the movie this morning, with my Mum. I have seen the previous installments, and was keen to see the first part of the finale to the series. I am a big fan of the books (and books are always better than the movies!) but I promise to keep that bias aside in the review, and just keep to it as a movie...

The overall impression that I got, was that this was way too bloody long. 3 hours, for part 1. So much could have been cut. Unless part 2 is jam-packed with action, they really didn't need to make this two movies. Endless plodding through woods could have been cut. An entire scene of Harry and Hermione dancing - irrelevant and could have been cut. It was almost frustrating (and bordered on boring a few times as a result).

The dark parts of the movie, were again very dark. Looking back at The Philosophers Stone (Sorcerer's Stone in some countries), it seemed aimed at children. Then suddenly, as the books progressed, they became increasingly adult, and increasingly dark. Let me say this - don't take small kids to see this movie. Just don't. I have a 7 year old, and he won't be seeing this (or most of it's predecessors for that matter) until he is muuuuuch older. It's scary. It has dark and confusing concepts, and it's not a kids movie, despite what many seem to think. I was kinda horrified to see the age of some kids in the cinema. Just... no.

The focus is very much on Harry, Hermione and Ron in this one, very few glimpses of any of the others from Hogwarts, including our favorite villain, Snape. McGonagall was absent altogether, which disappointed me greatly! Neville was a glimpse, even Draco was a minor appearance. And, I am really, really, not a fan of Bill Nighy as Rufus Scrimgeour.

All that said, there were many positives, too. There were some clever jokes and witty humor, and I do so love the many polyjuice scenes. I loved Luna Lovegood's father, Xenophilius Lovegood (big Rhys Ifans fan!), and more of the house elves. As an adult, I loved the dark scenes, the tension was great, and I think Helena Bonham Carter returning as Bellatrix Lestrange was brilliant in her role yet again. The ending was climactic enough to leave you lamenting the 7 month wait for part 2.

I'd give it maybe... 6 out of 10. I hope part 2 is an improvement - much expectations to carry for the final installment of a tale that has gripped us now for a ten good years. Fingers crossed!

110 in 2010... How did I go?

2010-11-14T07:23:00.004+11:00

Back in January I wrote this post of goals for 2010. With only 6 weeks left now in 2010, I thought I should review and see what I need to cram in to come close to getting most of these achieved. So.. a review!

1. Visit an o/s country CHECK!
2. Take risks CHECK!
3. Travel more – locally, Aus, Abroad CHECK!
4. Meet new people CHECK!
5. Make more friends CHECK!
6. Let more people in CHECK!
7. Start a grad dip in IKM
8. Write CHECK!
9. Create CHECK!
10. Look after me CHECK!
11. Get a tattoo CHECK!
12. Stand in the rain til I am soaked through CHECK!
13. Be loved CHECK!
14. Appreciate Friends CHECK!
15. Exercise regularly
16. Learn Italian
17. Learn a dance – salsa!?
18. Keep a diary
19. Read a book a month for pleasure
20. Cultivate a stronger sense of self CHECK!
21. Bake more
22. Clean closets and give away or throw out things I don’t wear CHECK!
23. Hang pictures CHECK!
24. Take kids to zoo CHECK!
25. Buy luggage CHECK!
26. Conquer long haul flight CHECK!
27. Buy or cut fresh flowers monthly min
28. Find new music CHECK!
29. Decorate the house CHECK!
30. Buy more shoes
31. Drive somewhere far - road trip!
32. Laugh more CHECK!
33. Treat my hair more CHECK!
34. Get massage
35. Drink less coffee CHECK!
36. Expand movie collection CHECK!
37. Blog more
38. Attend a concert CHECK!
39. Watch a sunrise CHECK!
40. Stay up all night
41. Watch a sunset CHECK!
42. Buy more pretty things CHECK!
43. Learn to better apply make up - smoky eyes...
44. Save $500 for no real purpose. CHECK!
45. Get a job
46. Buy more pretty lingerie CHECK!
47. Get more pedicures
48. Pierce my nose
49. Stay in bed all day with dvds and/or books CHECK!
50. Swim in the ocean – beach hair!
51. Mosaic again
52. Try pottery
53. Paint, even just once
54. Donate unused toys
55. Grow herb garden
56. Grow basic vegies
57. Watch Schindlers list
58. Stop worrying
59. Attend a St Patricks Day parade CHECK!
60. Learn a new word daily
61. Find something to be grateful for daily
62. Plant a tree
63. Kiss in the rain CHECK!
64. Wish on a shooting star
65. See a movie at a drive in
66. Research Infertility book CHECK!
67. Be more positive CHECK!
68. Talk to strangers more CHECK!
69. Take more photos CHECK!
70. Do more RAOK
71. Compliment others often CHECK!
72. Learn to relax CHECK!
73. Be more environmentally friendly CHECK!
74. Don’t strangle anybody! (Hoping this is my definite achieved item...) CHECK!
75. Keep a budget CHECK!
76. Buy more dresses
77. Monthly movie night
78. Sleep more!
79. Read with kids regularly CHECK!
80. Have fun with Finns school lunches and introduce new foods CHECK!
81. Take Finn to scienceworks CHECK!
82. Spend more time alone CHECK!
83. Take kids to the beach CHECK!
84. Get counselling
85. Move house or revamp current CHECK!
86. Hug kids at least twice a day CHECK!
87. Tell kids I love them at least twice every day CHECK!
88. Explore San Fran in March CHECK!
89. Write a letter to myself 10 years in the future
90. Write a letter to the child me
91. Organise my photos into albums on iPhoto
92. Write a haiku
93. Have someone read to me out loud CHECK!
94. In addition to reading a book for pleasure each month, read at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/12559/Books/The+Perfec...
95. In addition to movies for pleasure etc. Watch at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/Listof/tabid/57/ListID/15929/Default.aspx
96. Organize my pantry more efficiently
97. Be brave CHECK!
98. Ask for help when I need it
99. Laugh til I cry CHECK!
100. Cook new meals CHECK!
101. Ease off on the self guilt CHECK!
102. Believe and remind myself I deserve more happy CHECK!
103. Try new foods CHECK!
104. Work on relationship with the folks CHECK!
105. Spend more time with my niece and nephew
106. Have confidence in the decisions I make and embrace them CHECK!
107. Make those I care about feel special CHECK!
108. Be open to possibilities, always CHECK!
109. Take opportunities and make them count CHECK!
110. Make a list for 2011

What is left...

7. Start a grad dip in IKM
To be fair, I changed my mind on this, and instead applie for Grad Entry Teaching. i find out Jan if I am accepted.

15. Exercise regularly
What is this word, regularly, you speak of?

16. Learn Italian
No suitable classes were offered. I keep looking...

17. Learn a dance – salsa!?
Ha.

18. Keep a diary
Very erratic, and very few entries.

19. Read a book a month for pleasure
Not even close.

21. Bake more
Um. No.

27. Buy or cut fresh flowers monthly min
Sadly, no, and I liked this one a lot.

30. Buy more shoes
Nope. I bought one pair. I dont think that counts.

31. Drive somewhere far - road trip!
No, another I really wanted, too.

34. Get massage
Nope. WANT.

37. Blog more
I was very slack this year, but it was a huge year...

40. Stay up all night
I dont think I have the stamina for it!

43. Learn to better apply make up - smoky eyes...
No real place to use it, so I didn't bother. FAIL!

45. Get a job
Nothing suitable, and I still want to be home with RJ, so this one never eventuated either.

47. Get more pedicures
Sadly, no. Aside from self administered!

48. Pierce my nose
Nope. Still undecided.

50. Swim in the ocean – beach hair!
Maybe next week on our beach holiday?

51. Mosaic again
Fail

52. Try pottery
Fail

53. Paint, even just once
Fail

54. Donate unused toys
I need to do this, still. The kids have boxes they don't touch.

55. Grow herb garden
Fail

56. Grow basic vegies
Fail

57. Watch Schindlers list
Fail

58. Stop worrying
I am trying. Not sure I will ever manage this one, though.

60. Learn a new word daily
Fail

61. Find something to be grateful for daily
Not conscientiously enough.

62. Plant a tree
Fail.

64. Wish on a shooting star
I haven't seen any! NOT MY FAULT. I blame the cosmos.

65. See a movie at a drive in
Fail.

70. Do more RAOK
Again, not enough and not enough conscious effort.

76. Buy more dresses
Fail

77. Monthly movie night
Fail... did okay, but not monthly.

78. Sleep more!
God I have trouble with this. I make inroads then regress. Its tough.

84. Get counselling
Fail. Ashamed.

89. Write a letter to myself 10 years in the future
Um.. Dear future me, I hope you found the happy. I hope you stayed brave. I hope you feel at peace, and lost the tension and stress of now. I believe in you.

90. Write a letter to the child me
Dear child me, you'll be ok. You are so much more than you believe. I wish I could hug you. You are amazing.

91. Organise my photos into albums on iPhoto
Fail

92. Write a haiku
Fail

4. In addition to reading a book for pleasure each month, read at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/12559/Books/The+Perfec...
I dont think I read ten books this year full stop.

95. In addition to movies for pleasure etc. Watch at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/Listof/tabid/57/ListID/15929/Default.aspx
Ditto.

96. Organize my pantry more efficiently
Fail

98. Ask for help when I need it
Another I have made inroads on, but could stand to take further.

105. Spend more time with my niece and nephew
This one upsets me most. Relationship with my brother worsened, and made this even harder. I really need to fix this one the most.

110. Make a list for 2011
FAIL!

Interesting... It was fun!

A beautiful birth day.

2010-11-10T19:31:00.002+11:00

Today will go down as one of the most memorable, treasured and amazing days of my life. My lovely best friend, Megs, had her twin babies. From early on, she had asked me to be a support person at the birth, and I had been thrilled to accept. I had a holiday booked for late November, and the babes were not due until December 13th, but we were sure they would be here before then. As time went by, we got more and more nervous we had been wrong about that! Then, at 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant, at 445am, my phone rang.

"My waters just broke!!" Megan announced when I answered with my sleepy hello. That sure woke me up! I knew I needed to get up and moving and get on the road to meet her at the hospital, but it all seemed so surreal, and I had trouble getting moving, I seemed to be dilly dallying, though I was trying to move fast. Wake up fail.

At 5am, I was out the door and in the car, on my way. The entire drive in (takes me about 45min), I was driving toward sunrise, and the sky was the most spectacular shades of red, orange, pink and purple. Definitely a good omen, I thought to myself. I reminisced about the arrival of my 2 babes, and once I arrived, I took off from the carpark to the hospital. I know this girl. She births fast. Even if there ARE two.

At emergency, the registrar took me up to birthing and they let me in the suites. Andrew was outside the room, and said that Megs had just asked for me. I walked in and oh my god. There were at least 7 people in the room, aside from Megan. All nurses, midwives, doctors... One looked at me with that "And who are you??" look, and I offered that I was Megs support person, and was directed to her side.

Now, I have to say, when I was in labor with RJ, I yelled. A lot. Loudly. Megs was only saying "ow ow ow ow" - I was like really??? Are you kidding me!? What are you, superwoman?! She was amazing. I was so impressed, so inspired by her strength and determination. Megs had been told that because the babies were transverse (sideways), she would need a caesarian section, and she was understandably, worried and nervous about it. When I was standing by her side, I knew there was no way that was going on, she was in full on labor. Then I noticed there was a baby in the room! Sweet tiny Oliver Andrew was here already, my GOD! It had only been an hour since she called me!!! The doctor looked at me and said, "who are you? sister?" Andrew and I both said "YES." lol. He said that one baby had been born, breech, 2 minutes earlier, and the other was still floating, and not yet in position to be born, and it looked like surgery would be needed.

It was overwhelming to have so many in the room (several of the midwives said they were caught way off guard by not only a twin birth, but breech, and already in high intense phase, so I think they overcompensated for that!) - and Megs in pain was hard to bear. I suddenly felt for the role of partners in labour, its hard to see the person you love in pain and be unable to help them. Andrew was holding Megans hand and supporting her through contractions, and I was handed the most delightful little bundle. Little Oliver. He looked up at me, quiet, but interested. The little eyes blinking, trying to focus. I looked back at him with awe and wonder. There is something so magical about newborn babies. They restore your faith in a tough world. The innocence, the potential, the pure wonder.

Olly and I sat in the comfy chair and had a lovely cuddle, whilst the doctor said, "call for a C section please!" and I felt anxious for Megan again. No less than 30 seconds later, the doctor was covered in a burst of amniotic fluid as the amniotic sac burst. Nice shot, kiddo. Very impressive!! As I sat there, nursing one, tiny soul, I watched as another came into the world before my eyes, and the tears just flowed. Sebastian Kelly was born just 9 minutes after his older brother. It was the most amazing moment. 2 beautiful souls, my gorgeous best friend, birthing them HER way, and me in floods of tears of pride, joy, and excitement. Wow.

Little Sebastian had arrived, and let out a little cry as he was wrapped. The two babies were just amazing, and Andrew and I had cuddles while Megs was able to get more comfortable, before taking both babes for some long, special, skin on skin time. The 3 of us were on one hell of a high. When the babes were taken to special care, Andrew went along with them, and I was able to stay with Megan and hang out, both of us bouncy giggly excited. "TWO BABIES!!!!" was the catch cry of the day!

It took 2 hours before they came for Megs to take her up to see her babies, bloody slack hospital. But watching she and Andrew snuggle their 2 new boys, my heart just sang. It was so special. I took some photos, and then Jack and Lew arrived. I was able to witness them meet their little brothers for the first time. My heart near burst. 4 beautiful babies. My honorary nephews, all 4. Both bigger boys instantly adored the babies, kissing them, and smiling grins of wonder and delight. I left soon after... smiled all the way home.

I felt so closely bonded to Megan and Andrew, these 2 had been my best friends for years, but there was something indescribable about sharing such an intimate, enormous, life event with them. I felt so privileged to be included. Beyond that, having a baby named after me? Is something I can not effectively communicate. I tear up every time I think of it. There IS no bigger honour. I thought that being Lewis and Jack's godmother was huge. That being there for the twins birth was huge. This just blows me away. I've never felt so special in my life, as I do tonight.

I am so grateful, that they have made me such an integral part of their family, of their childrens lives. I can't wait to see these boys grow into men. I will cherish the friendship of this family until the day I die. What a lucky woman I am.

On being deaf

2010-11-04T18:30:00.000+11:00

For the past 5 and a half weeks now, I have had a blocked ear. I perforated my eardrum, and its taking a few weeks to heal. You think you can imagine being deaf. Even partially. You think that when you get a deaf ear for a day or so that you know what it is like, but I am telling you - you don't.

It really is debilitating. It impacts in so many ways you'd not even realise. The first 2 weeks the hearing loss was quite profound, I found that my sense of spatial awareness was warped, I paid for petrol and walked into a display of water bottles. The attendant probably thought I was drunk. I stood in the chemist smiling blankly, unaware my name was being called to collect my prescription. I was so embarrassed.

Because I was unable to hear, I avoided people. It was too embarrassing to endlessly say 'Pardon? pardon? pardon?' so I became socially isolated. I had no idea what was going on on television, unless I could turn subtitles on. My balance was a bit wobbly. I would hear a noise, and be unable to properly place it, nor it's direction - that was genuinely a scary feeling at times. I didn't know what was going on and whether i needed to be in fight or flight mode or not. People laugh or stir you for your mishearing. They think it is funny. Or, even worse, they get angry and frustrated that you can't hear them and have to keep asking them to repeat themselves.

My mother has been deaf in one ear for many years now. She often talked about the frustration and depression that she felt as a result of it. I always empathised, but I never truly understood until now. My ear is still not healed. It almost pops, but then not quite. I am scared I will never regain proper hearing, but it has restored substantially from those first few weeks, so I feel lucky anyway.

Funny how it can take actually walking a mile, to truly gain real empathy and compassion. I thought I was, now I know better. If someone has trouble hearing you, please, show patience, kindness, and understanding. It will mean a lot.

Don't have kids? Apparently, you're an idiot.

2010-10-17T18:07:00.000+11:00

I recently saw many of my friends post the following article on their facebook page. I couldn't open it to even read it for a week or two. The title alone made me too angry.

Why? Because the title is already implying that people without children are stupid and do not know better, and that motherhood is an exclusive club.

Bull. Shit.

Smug crap. It still to this day, raises my hackles. Yes, I am a mother, but I never, ever ever forget, that some can't. Some struggle. Some don't need this kinda stuff thrown about as a joke. Some just don't WANT to. Sure, motherhood can be hard work, but do we need to imply anyone who doesn't give it due credit is a moron? We're not heroes. We're not martyrs. Motherhood is NOT an exclusive club, and people who do not have children are not stupid or worthy of the eyeroll implied in this article. Their opinions on topics involving children are just as valid as those with children. Please, don't make a huge mistake and forget that.

Adult High School

2010-10-15T16:30:00.004+11:00

I was thinking the other day, that sometimes I see the patterns of high school repeat in adult life. In high school, for a while, I hung out with the in crowd. They would bitch about one another behind their back, so I knew I would be copping my fair share as well, but I figured there was not really anyone else to sit with, so I stayed.

In my last year of high school, I made some new friends. They were not the in crowd, but they were cooler than them anyway (they just felt no need to shout it from rooftops...) And they were my kinda people. The in crowd would either rubbish or ignore them, but I wished I had found them earlier than 17.

As an adult, I have discovered a similar thing. A vocal majority may disparage someone for various reasons... maybe they whine a lot. Maybe they are religious, or do not engage in certain memes or behaviours that their values do not align with... But often, these people are "my people." Often, I find that the friendships offered are stronger, more genuine, longer lasting, and less fair weather, than those with a louder voice. "Choose your friends wisely" - indeed.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in fitting in, even as adults, in saying the right things. Being witty, being clever. Sometimes - especially in the online world - I find it hard to distinguish the real people from the personas they create. Larger than life characters, but not 'real' people. If you put the real you out there, though, and you're accepted and loved - no feeling in the world beats that. 1 true friend over 100 people adoring someone that isn't really me... No contest.

Just something to consider over the weekend. Enjoy it :)

Follow Up

2010-10-15T16:21:00.002+11:00

Further to the other day, I wanted to share this video with you -

It breaks my heart. What are we as parents doing wrong to have this all go so wrong of late? Why are we perpetuating these judgmental and cruel perspectives? Why are we not teaching our children that different is okay - regardless of its form? People are going through so much pain. Bullying is awful in any form, be it because a kid is gay, different looking, or smart, or fat, or whatever it might be.

Isn't it difference that makes us each special and unique?? Is it not difference that makes us who we are, that special someone to someone else? Sometimes it is the very things I can't stand about myself, that another may love. I just wish we could love our children, and raise them to love one another. To accept one another. I feel this is a revolution of change right now, and I truly hope that momentum continues to build and society keeps being forced to pay attention, to make changes, and to open their minds.

Religion and Homosexuality

2010-10-09T10:25:00.007+11:00

It has been a long time since I blogged, personally. I have been blogging semi-regularly over at kellysmith.com.au in a professional capacity, but what better way to return to personal blogging than with a wowzer of a controversial topic?! How very me.

This link is the one in a string I have read on twitter this week, relating to suicides of young people, due to bullying, and often as a result of homosexuality. Two stood out to me this morning, and have really affected me - enough to prompt me to blog, anyway. Aside from the previous link, this blog entry at Scary Mommy, written by a guest blogger (@TexanMama) really upset me.

I don't understand it. How can someone be so upset that their kids teacher is gay? I wouldn't have a clue if F's teacher is gay, straight or all of the above. And you know what, if she was, and it DID affect the discussions and focus of the teaching, then great! I am all for his mind being opened to all kinds of walks of life. The more he understands we are all different - and that's okay - the better.

How can love be wrong? Ever? How??? Isn't love the entire point? Isn't that what we are here for? How can that ever be wrong??? And if your God is telling you it is, surely there is some problem there? I am not religious. AT ALL. Organized religions do nothing but upset me. I am spiritual. I believe... in something. Maybe. Organized religions seem to be nothing but trouble and hatred and judging.

Our children, teenagers all over the world, are KILLING THEMSELVES. They are dying. Because they are not accepted. Because they cannot bear to be alive in a world that tells them they are evil, wrong, and unworthy, simply because of who they are. How tragic is that?? Why does it bother you, what other people do and who they love? Why does it bother you that a childs role model is openly gay? They NEED these role models. They need to see that love is always okay. F asked me once about a friend at school that had 2 mums, and I explained that families are all kinds of different. 2 mums, 2 dads, one of each, only one, grandparents... That some people marry boys, some marry girls, and every match up is okay. So long as people are happy and in love!

I feel heavy hearted that people advocate and spout this sort of stuff. Someone asked how would I feel if F were to become a conservative christian, in the same way we ask those people how they'd feel if their children were gay. How would I feel? I would love him. I would respect his choices. And I would appreciate all that is wondrous, beautiful, and loving about him, the same way that I do now. Why is that such a hard concept for anyone to grasp?

I wish I could inspire a revolution of change. I wish I could end the homophobia and bigotry, and it desperately upsets me that I am just one person. All I can do is ensure that I raise the 2 children I have with open minds, and loving hearts. Regardless of creed, sexuality, or anything else. It's the best I can do.

My boy is home...

2010-07-01T17:29:00.001+10:00

Sadface.

R.I.P. My darling boy

2010-06-19T13:12:00.000+10:00

This morning, my beautiful Henry, was put to sleep. I read this poem yesterday, and spent most of the day crying. I am going to miss him so much. It aches, so terribly.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

R.I.P. Hendrix 1995-2010
I miss you already, my beautiful, loyal, nuppy. Thank you for your comfort, love, and loyalty over eleven long years. You were one in a million, mate. I love you.

You all should know...

2010-06-18T11:57:00.000+10:00

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too
busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than an poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
THEN, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

Author Unknown

Saying Goodbye

2010-06-15T14:14:00.004+10:00

How do you say goodbye to your best friend?? The little furry baby that has been part of your life, and a great deal of your heart for over 11 years?

My darling Hendrix, ran away over the long weekend. Thankfully, he was picked up by a vet, the end result was a conversation I had been planning to schedule with a vet in the next few months, but it was thrust upon me before I was ready. And she told me what I didn't want to hear. What I knew i would hear, but didn't want to.

It's time.

Hendrix is 14. He has all kinds of old dog problems. He has a heart murmur, dodgy lumps, losing weight, bad teeth... And he has been getting steadily worse. We needed a professional opinion about what was best for him. And today, I got it.

It's time.

I remember the day we found him wandering about our front yard in Warrnambool. It was December 13th, 1998. Josh's birthday and I was having an afternoon nanna nap. I had wanted a dog for some time, but was still umming and ahhing over committing to it. Hendrix decided for me. I woke up to J coming into the room, carrying this sweet, white, fluffball. I thought I was dreaming! I was so excited! He was so lovely. We kept him that weekend, he had a tag so on Monday morning, i called the council to find his owner. "A dalmation is it?" she asked. "er, no!" I replied looking at the little white ball of fluff at my feet. "Are you sure?!" She asked me. "Quite!" I answered, laughing, and described him. She called me back later, the owner had found him, and was looking for a home for him. She had put one of her dogs old tags on him in the meantime. I hung up and looked at Josh. "I WANT HIM!!!" I said, bursting into tears. We called her back and explained we were going away for Christmas, but could she PLEASE hold onto him for us until we returned from interstate. She agreed. Yay! She had found him roaming the countryside near Mortlake, matted fur, injured, hungry. A vet had fixed him up and groomed him, and he was about 3 years old, they guessed, though his teeth were fairly poor condition and at first made them think he was even older.

And he has been with me ever since. For everything. He was my baby before I had babies. Slept on my bed at night, took him for beach walks and to my parents farm visiting. When J and I separated the first time, and I was alone, and pregnant, and terrified - he was there every night, all night, to comfort me. He would nuzzle in when I cried, guard me, in a sense. He was there and graciously accepted the demotion when Finn was born, and again with RJ, never acting hurt or resentful. Gentle with the babies, loyal to the end.

He's been there for 5 house moves, he has escaped at least half a dozen times, but his tag always bought him home (except this last time). He has been, without a doubt, my best mate for a long time. I can't imagine how much I will miss hearing the click clack of his nails on the floor. Or feeling his warmth leaning against my legs for a cuddle. Even hearing that incessant yap yap yapping that drives me nuts! :)

I am glad that at least we can have a chance to say goodbye. To spend the next 4 days feeding him gourmet meat and scratching him behind the ears like he loves, for hours at a time. At 1130am on Saturday, I will be with him, at the vets. I will be there holding him, stroking him, and making sure that the last thing he hears, will be me saying "thank you" and "I love you."

So heartbroken. I love you HennyPen. Twosance. Nuisance. You-ey. Louise. Louie. Unnawee. Pendrix. Henry. Hendrix. Thank you for all the joy you bought to our family. You will be in my heart, always, mate.

You never stop missing them...

2010-05-25T16:02:00.002+10:00

People you love, that you lose. It never gets easier. Every so often, I dream about him, or I talk to someone about him, and I miss him, still. I know it is a stupid thing to say, an obvious thing, but I wish he had never died. I still get sad. Almost 3 years later now, and I still get sad when I think of him, when I think of the funeral, of the burial.

No point to this, other than to just mention that I'm thinking of you, W. Miss you.

AWOL

2010-05-11T17:57:00.003+10:00

Apologies for my extended absence. Life has been exceptionally busy of late! I went to my beloved America, and I loved her. It was an amazing trip in so many ways, so very life changing. It certainly has given me a travel bug and itchy feet (which both sound

like I need a cream or something, but are Very Good Things!)

It was good to come home, but it was difficult. I would love to return. Some day...

Things have been difficult since the separation with J. It's hard in a lot of ways, but i still believe it was the right thing to do.

Right now, I want to focus on me, and filling my life with things that I love. Things that make me happy. I am investigating a bunch of things... I set my desk up again, and am getting back into the writing daily habit. I am investigating Italian classes - or dra

gging out my books and teaching myself again. I am investigating cooking classes, book clubs, theatre groups... Trying to find something that will enrich my life, that is realistically within reach (literally, close enough to home) and affordable, and that is the right timing (missed term 2 start). I'll keep looking.

It's time for me.

All images from http://weheartit.com/

Sucky Anniversary.

2010-02-26T20:00:00.005+11:00

This weekend, 12 months ago, I discovered my Mum had breast cancer.

Tonight, I seem to be falling apart. Always surprises me. I ought to know better, grief has no rules, huh? All it takes is one little thing, can be totally unrelated, and the head is yanked from the sand and off it goes.

All these memories are swirling around my head and I can't seem to stop crying.

I remember her saying "I've got breast cancer" and my world felt as though it had shifted right off it's axis. My head literally spun and I felt like I was dreaming, life didn't feel real. I remember gulping to stop myself sobbing. I remember the look on my Dad's face. The fear. The sad. The fact that he could hardly speak. His voice cracked.

I remember 2 weeks later, her telling me how scared she was. Her tears. For the first time to me, she looked old and tired. And so vulnerable.

Getting drunk and high with my sister to escape.

Reading about the precautions post chemo, the extent that was needed to keep her and anyone else safe from the poison. Scared.

Her screaming when she set the kitchen on fire. The realisation at that moment that things were very wrong. She was not Mum as I knew her.

Her head in a turban. Bald.

Watching the chemo mix - bright red - travel up the line into her arm and wanting to rip it out, yet being so fucking grateful it was there.

Crying so much, needing mild sedation.

Feeling grateful that her odds were so good.

The relief at the end of her treatment cycle.

So much fear.

Thank god it is over. Thank god she was so lucky and caught it early. My heart aches for those who are not as lucky.

My heart hurts tonight. I need vodka.

Australia Day

2010-01-30T07:59:00.005+11:00

I realise this entry is several days too late, but some bastard spiked my drink with HEAPS of vodka, then force fed me beer until I was completely shitfaced on Australia Day.

So belatedly, what does it mean to you? I asked my 6yo this question, what does he like about being Australian - he pondered the question, then responded: "you know what I don't like?" "What?" "That we don't have Halloween or jackalantas in Australia." (Seriously, 3 months on, we still have not let that go?!) But when pressed for what he does like, he said "that we have lots of food and things here." He is often thinking of our sponsor child, Zainabu, who lives in Uganda, in these things.

It raises much debate, Australia Day. Predominantly, do we want a republic? Do we want a new flag? Do we need a new anthem? What is our national dish? Do we even HAVE a clear identity?

We're a relatively new country, we're still finding out identity, in my opinion. I am undecided on a republic, but I lean toward it. I like our flag, though. Who cares if it has the Union Jack - regardless of whether we ever become a republic, Britain will always be an enormous part of our history, so big deal. That flag has meant so much to so many throughout history, I don't like the idea of changing it. But does it reflect enough of our history? What about BEFORE the white people landed and took over? Related: Australia Day is a bit strange... celebrating the day we started hunting Aboriginals like animals is not cause for celebration. I like the idea of celebrating it the day before. The day before it all changed.

And YES we need a new anthem. Seriously... girt by sea? Who uses the word girt, like ever?! And strains ought not be joyful. Not a fan of that song at all. And don't be replacing it with Waltzing Matilda which makes Aussies seem like thieving convict bastards one and all. Use a shortened version of the 'I am, You are, We are Australia' song. That's much better.

So, what is our national dish? I voted a bbq'd sausage in bread... roast lamb would be up there... prawns... The good old lamington... Actually, I think it's the boring but certainly instantly identifiable as Australian Vegemite sambo, isn't it!? With a glass of Milo. And a tim tam. That's Aussie food! (tried to write tucker or grub there, couldn't do it).

I love being an Aussie, and to me, Australia Day usually means a BBQ, some drinks, Triple J's Hottest 100, and friends. And being grateful that I live in such a beautiful and free country. What are your thoughts?

Travels

2010-01-19T09:03:00.004+11:00

45 days and I leave for the U.S. - rather excited now, starting to buy bits and pieces and get myself organised. I am a master of lists! No doubt this trip will push me in all kinds of new ways, and I am really looking forward to seeing who I am when I come out the other side of it. I suspect I will be quite changed.

I was looking for tips for the flight the other day, came across this blog article that made me chuckle. Extra bonus? Vomit bag anecdotes. LOL! I have stocked up on books (I have The Alchemy of Loss, The Time of My Life and Notes Left Behind as well as a chicklit novel), and will ensure I have writing materials with me. Mostly, I am hoping to sleep.

Given it is the first major trip I have done, I am more than welcoming travel tips and packing essentials, let me know yours.

Fear

2010-01-14T07:36:00.000+11:00

Awake since 4am. Can't sleep. Got a text from a friend last night mentioning she may be looking at breast cancer.

And here we go again.

I'm hopeful it is not. It's not a definitive dx yet. But it's dredged more crap up.

How do you ever shake the fear of it returning? Every 3m mum sees the oncologist. She just had her first post cancer mammogram (clear!!) and she sees the surgeon again soon as well. They keep very close watch, for this I'm grateful.

But sometimes, like when I wake at 4am, I'm gripped by this incapacitating fear. It's overwhelming. It won't return. Right?

Holy exclamations, Batman!!

2010-01-13T20:25:00.002+11:00

This had me laughing to tears. "Holy rising hemlines Batman!!" Some of them are so funny. All the hand punching and glove adjustment.. oh my..

Cherry Blossom tattoo...

2010-01-13T17:44:00.005+11:00

So waaaay back here at the start of my blog, I started talking about getting a tattoo. Then I thought more about it here, but still debated. I finally came up with a design I liked, and a whereabouts I was happy with (inside left wrist), and I took the plunge. You know, they are right when they say tattoos are addictive, I have another in planning stage already. Anyhoo, here it is, my cherry blossom tattoo, with the kanjii for the word Natsukashii.

110 in 2010

2010-01-05T07:37:00.003+11:00

Over at Twitter, the gorgeous @Sarahndipitea inspired me to create a list of 110 goals for the year 2010. I ought to have made the first one finding 110 things to list... It took some time! But, here it is. 110 things that I want to achieve in 2010. If you are interested in writing your own list, join us here, or, just comment and add a link back so I can read what it is you want to do this year. Dream big.

1. Visit an o/s country
2. Take risks
3. Travel more – locally, Aus, Abroad
4. Meet new people
5. Make more friends
6. Let more people in
7. Start a grad dip in IKM
8. Write
9. Create
10. Look after me
11. Get a tattoo
12. Stand in the rain til I am soaked through
13. Be loved
14. Appreciate Friends
15. Exercise regularly
16. Learn Italian
17. Learn a dance – salsa!?
18. Keep a diary
19. Read a book a month for pleasure
20. Cultivate a stronger sense of self
21. Bake more
22. Clean closets and give away or throw out things I don’t wear
23. Hang pictures
24. Take kids to zoo
25. Buy luggage
26. Conquer long haul flight
27. Buy or cut fresh flowers monthly min
28. Find new music
29. Decorate the house
30. Buy more shoes
31. Drive somewhere far - road trip!
32. Laugh more
33. Treat my hair more
34. Get massage
35. Drink less coffee
36. Expand movie collection
37. Blog more
38. Attend a concert
39. Watch a sunrise
40. Stay up all night
41. Watch a sunset
42. Buy more pretty things
43. Learn to better apply make up - smoky eyes...
44. Save $500 for no real purpose.
45. Get a job
46. Buy more pretty lingerie
47. Get more pedicures
48. Pierce my nose
49. Stay in bed all day with dvds and/or books
50. Swim in the ocean – beach hair!
51. Mosaic again
52. Try pottery
53. Paint, even just once
54. Donate unused toys
55. Grow herb garden
56. Grow basic vegies
57. Watch Schindlers list
58. Stop worrying
59. Attend a St Patricks Day parade
60. Learn a new word daily
61. Find something to be grateful for daily
62. Plant a tree
63. Kiss in the rain
64. Wish on a shooting star
65. See a movie at a drive in
66. Research Infertility book
67. Be more positive
68. Talk to strangers more
69. Take more photos
70. Do more RAOK
71. Compliment others often
72. Learn to relax
73. Be more environmentally friendly
74. Don’t strangle anybody! (Hoping this is my definite achieved item...)
75. Keep a budget
76. Buy more dresses
77. Monthly movie night
78. Sleep more!
79. Read with kids regularly
80. Have fun with Finns school lunches and introduce new foods
81. Take Finn to scienceworks
82. Spend more time alone
83. Take kids to the beach
84. Get counselling
85. Move house or revamp current
86. Hug kids at least twice a day
87. Tell kids I love them at least twice every day
88. Explore San Fran in March
89. Write a letter to myself 10 years in the future
90. Write a letter to the child me
91. Organise my photos into albums on iPhoto
92. Write a haiku
93. Have someone read to me out loud
94. In addition to reading a book for pleasure each month, read at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/12559/Books/The+Perfec...
95. In addition to movies for pleasure etc. Watch at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/Listof/tabid/57/ListID/15929/Default.aspx
96. Organize my pantry more efficiently
97. Be brave
98. Ask for help when I need it
99. Laugh til I cry
100. Cook new meals
101. Ease off on the self guilt
102. Believe and remind myself I deserve more happy
103. Try new foods
104. Work on relationship with the folks
105. Spend more time with my niece and nephew
106. Have confidence in the decisions I make and embrace them
107. Make those I care about feel special
108. Be open to possibilities, always
109. Take opportunities and make them count
110. Make a list for 2011

Creme de la Creme of 2009

2010-01-03T06:42:00.000+11:00

The amazing Stirrup Queen has again compiled the awesome Creme de la Creme list for the year.

"So what is the Creme de la Creme list if this is your first time here? It was started as a response to the many blogging awards that are given out each winter. I expanded the idea of presenting “the best” to include a post from every blog in the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) world*. Every blogger has a personal best that deserves recognition. As editor of the list, I create the small blurbs after the title which serve as a doorway to the post. I hope they will help you find what you are seeking to read as well as show definitively the diversity of experience and emotion within the ALI community."

Find the list and some of the most amazing, inspirational, heartbreaking, blog entries from 2009 in the ALI world... you name it, you can find it HERE. I hear #16 is especially awesome (shortcut). ;-)

Soundtrack of my life

2009-12-22T16:27:00.004+11:00

I stole this from Avitable's blog. Needed a little light relief and decided this would do me perfectly. You can read his answers here.

Here are the rules:

1. Open your music library (iPod, iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every stage of life, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new stage, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Waking Up: Don't stop The Music (Rihanna)
First Day at School: There's your trouble (Dixie Chicks)
Falling In Love: Coming Up Roses (Elliott Smith)
Fight Song: Trapped (The Living End)
Breaking Up: Jaded (Green Day)
Prom: The Dolphin's Cry (Live)
Life: Still (Foofighters)
Mental Breakdown: Oh Comely (Neutral Milk Hotel)
Driving: Audrey, Start the Revolution (Anberlin)
Flashback: Someone that you're with (Nickelback)
Wedding: As Heaven is Wide (Garbage)
Birth of Child: Every Breath You Take (Police)
Final Battle: Spiderwebs (No Doubt)
Death Scene: Sing (The Classic Crime)
Funeral Song: The Pharisee (Of Former Fame)
End Credit: Rip It Up (Jet)

Happy 1st Birthday, baby girl.

2009-12-12T20:03:00.004+11:00

6 years ago, I started trying to conceive you, my second child. My RJ.

5 years ago, I had a dream. I was talking to a 5 or 6 year old girl in my kitchen, she was my daughter. She was telling me not to give up trying to conceive her, because if I did she would never exist, and that just could not be allowed to happen. She was so cute, fair honey brown hair, blue eyes... I assured her I'd hang on. I had renewed hope. It was you.

4 years ago, I was wilting. I was scared and I was hurting. I was angry. Infertility is soul crushing.

3 years ago I had given up. I accepted you were but a dream. I killed the dream and it broke my heart. I felt I had let you down, but I had nothing left to give anymore. Then hope whispered try again. Courage came.

2 years ago, I failed IVF #1. It hurt. I threw myself into Christmas. I denied the terrifying fear that you would never come, yet again.

12 months ago tomorrow, you came hurtling into the world in the back of an ambulance. Drama queen! Life has been dramatic since. Yet you are an utter delight. You are like sunshine, or bubbles. My heart swells every time I even look at you. That squished up face when you smile your cheesiest grin, melts me instantly. Your :-O face cracks me up endlessly. You're daring and brave, and feisty and funny. So much personality. Your blue eyes are full of emotion, your hair is fair honey brown - you already resemble that child from my dream. You are utterly amazing. I am so freaking proud you're mine. Your adoration and love for your big brother is outweighed only by his for you.

I get teary thinking about how close I was to quitting on getting you. 5 goddamn years Janey girl! I am so incredibly bloody glad I stuck at it. So glad I was a determined, stubborn, bitter, angry, pain in the arse, because it got me you. I can't imagine life without you now. You're all I dreamed of and more. And my love for you is immeasurable. You're perfect.

You were so worth that wait. Worth every tear, every heartache, every pain, every hell. You. Were. Worth. It. ALL.

Your very first birthday, I hope it delights you. I have so many wishes for you my beewee. I hope you dream big. I hope you love hard. I hope you take risks. I hope you believe in the wonder that is you.

Happy Birthday, baby girl. I luboo.

BFL wk 13 picks

2009-12-11T07:24:00.003+11:00

Pittsburgh vs. Cleveland
New Orleans vs. Atlanta
Green Bay vs. Chicago
Denver vs. Indianapolis
Buffalo vs. Kansas City
Cincinnati vs. Minnesota
Carolina vs. New England
New York Jets vs. Tampa Bay
Miami vs. Jacksonville
Detroit vs. Baltimore
Seattle vs. Houston
St. Louis vs. Tennessee
Washington vs. Oakland
San Diego vs. Dallas
Philadelphia vs. New York Giants

Monday Night
Arizona vs. San Francisco

Tie breaker: 49

Last time I played I got 13, my best ever by about 12. ha! No, but by at least 6 or more! Kudos to the secret weapon!!

F bear's 2009 end year school report

2009-12-09T09:36:00.005+11:00

As expected, the kid is smart. Uber smart!!!

He excels in Maths, Reading/Comprehension/Writing, and Science. He lags slightly in P.E. His effort and behaviour in every class was rated very good or excellent. Can't ask for more than that!

It will be interesting seeing him transition now from Montessori to state school. Freaked out about the decision a bit. Seeing so much potential in this school report, I hope that he continues to thrive equally well. I intend to make sure he is supported at home as much as possible in doing so.

He is reading waaaay above average. Years above, literally, according to the VELS scale. Ditto maths. I can support the reading back to front, blindfolded and inside out. The maths though!? I don't do maths. I hate maths. This will prove challenging. I know there are books I can get, fun sticker, activity books, still... Eek.

Science is his current avid interest. According to his report, he is especially interested in zoology. Life cycles, habitats, features etc of all kinds of animals and insects and so on. Coooool. Mini beasts.

He is also very interested in physics, and geography, especially social geography. So disappointed I can't take him to the U.S. with me. :(

Suggestions including getting him to map a trip we are doing, board games, adding various denominations to $1.00, give him a faux $ amount to spend and some catalogues and let him choose things to buy that will equal the allocated amount.

Also, more art and craft, more reading and discussion of the books he reads, more talking about various cultures and customs, more at home yoga (!), more physical activities (get him into a regular after hours activity), more kneading, plasticine, and juicing oranges (!) to improve his hand muscles.

The best bit, was his music report. ROFLOL. He is at the higher end of average (a decent music program at the bloody school would have helped... grr) but it says he chose drums for his compositions, and is very familiar with percussion stuff. How you can help your child for this area? Suggestions: offer opportunities for him to learn an instrument (check!), continue to provide recorded or live music listening experiences in a range of musical styles (check!), "if the opportunity arises, attending local performances or concerts can offer memorable moments (checked so hard! Woot! GREEN DAY ON MONDAY!)

So, I'm not a bogan parent. The monty school TOLD me to take him!!! HA!

So freaking proud of my boy. The potential is enormous. Because of the zoology and geography interests and the current science kick (thank you, Sid the Science Kid!) we will make some trips over the holidays to the museum, scienceworks, zoo and so forth.

Any more ideas for fostering this amazing brain, please share them. Places, activities, things that will further help him reach the potential. which at the moment, seems totally uncapped. I am excited for him!

My baby girl is turning One...

2009-12-03T07:42:00.003+11:00

In ten days, my little RJ is turning one! It is cliched to talk about time flying, but what a year, it certainly has passed in the blink of an eye.

My dramatic birth story, which I have been thinking about this week, can be read here. So dramatic, so very RJ. The world MUST stop for her, always. She is spoiled rotten by her big brother, too. He dotes on her endlessly and is always indulging her. It is a pattern I see continuing in years to come. She adores him back - the way she says Finn is to make a pffffff sound with her lips. Shes trying to get the F right! And now she is at an age where they can interact, honestly, it makes my heart skip when I see them playing together and laughing at one another, there is nothing like it on this earth. Just gorgeous.

Her latest trick of furniture cruising is doing my head in, because she gets up, and can't work out how to get back down so stands and whinges endlessly. Really hoping that trick is learned ASAP. Argh!

The year has passed so fast, between the masters, a newborn and cancer, it was like blinking. Part of me feels really guilty that I missed a lot of her year mentally, I was not as focused on it as I was on Finn's because I was under a lot of stress. I am still heartbroken I only fed for 4 months, when my goal was longer than I had Finn (10m). I am sad that whilst I still enjoyed it and cherished small moments, it was not as I envisaged. And when I had longed for this for 6 years, through infertility hell and back, I feel a little ripped.

Perspective lands heavily, though, and I am grateful that Mum is healthy again (another all clear from the oncologist yesterday!) and that I HAVE my baby girl at all. That is truly all that matters, and I will enjoy her second year completely.

I was thinking about the 5 years we tried to conceive her, the 12 months we gave up altogether, the dream of her as a 5 year old, that had inspired me before that, the invasive treatments of IUI and IVF, the heartbreak, the soul destroying hell that is infertility. The determination. And here she is. Finally. As I write this, she is standing next to me (sobbing because she again doesn't know how to get back down!) but she is gorgeous. I am told she is like me, I call her the new improved version. She is utterly beautiful. The biggest eyes, of the deepest blue - so blue they sometimes appear violet - that melt me completely. Her hair, swept to the side with a clip is getting fairer all the time. She is tiny, but boy has she packed a personality into that vessel! Feisty and she lets you know what she does and does not want with no room for doubt (sounding familiar?) She knows "cuddle" and gives them generously. Ditto those slobbery, open-mouthed, baby kisses. She says Dadda, tucker, mama and Fffffff. Her world is summed up in those 4 words!

She is everything I dreamed of and more. My beautiful Rory-Jane, keep up that feisty, and keep up the cuddles to balance it! I promise to make the next year a special one for all of us. Bringing the happy. I love you, baby girl. Happy (early) Birthday!

Grief is a bitch.

2009-11-24T07:15:00.004+11:00

I hate grief. With no "obvious" loss, I often fight it, because I refuse to understand that you can grieve for losses other than death. Does it scare you that I was a social worker and supervisor of 70 counsellors, for many years, too? I know these things, logically, yet I fight it.

Ever tried to fight grief? Not a smart move. Grief is coming, whether you acknowledge it and deal with it, or not. The peril of ignoring it is that it will hit harder. More impact, more force, more hell. The dilemma, with keeping your head in the sand for months on end, is that with other life stressors in the mix, you may find yourself tipped over the edge by something minute, and suddenly there is a black hole you can't get out of.

I have spent the last 10 months with my head firmly planted in the sand. I could not look acknowledge that my best friend and mum, had cancer. Was going through chemo. The fears that it will come back, that this all even happened, the emotions have been far too big to process. When they started, the depth would terrify me and I would shut them down. You can imagine that when you build a dam like that, the crack and outpour is always going to be inevitable, and far more destructive than an orderly stream.

So, I guess it all caught up. I've had 3 (interrupted) hours of sleep and I have cried myself inside out and back again. I have faced that demon, I've spent those hours in the blackest of hell, and the darkest of grief, and, thanks to a couple of understanding, forgiving and kind friends, I'm up again (Thank you Megs & Phil). I am beyond exhausted. I feel like sleeping for at least a week.

The upside is that from now on, it can only get better from here. Right???

This weeks BFL picks

2009-11-20T09:35:00.004+11:00

Miami vs. Carolina
Washington vs. Dallas
Cleveland vs. Detroit
San Francisco vs. Green Bay
Pittsburgh vs. Kansas City
Seattle vs. Minnesota
Atlanta vs. New York Giants
New Orleans vs. Tampa Bay
Buffalo vs. Jacksonville
Indianapolis vs. Baltimore
Arizona vs. St. Louis
San Diego vs. Denver
Cincinnati vs. Oakland
New York Jets vs. New England
Philadelphia vs. Chicago

Monday Night Game
Tennessee vs. Houston

Combined MNF Score = 35

BFL picks week 10

2009-11-12T07:18:00.000+11:00

Chicago vs. San Francisco
Denver vs. Washington
Atlanta vs. Carolina New Orleans vs. St. Louis
Tampa Bay vs. Miami
Detroit vs. Minnesota
Jacksonville vs. New York Jets
Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh
Buffalo vs. Tennessee Kansas City vs. Oakland
Dallas vs. Green Bay
Philadelphia vs. San Diego
Arizona vs. Seattle
New England vs. Indianapolis

Monday Night
Baltimore vs. Cleveland

Tie Breaker: 35

School dilemmas

2009-11-10T09:57:00.003+11:00

At the moment, Finn goes to a slightly alternative school, independent. Initially, and up until the past 12 months or so, we raved about the place. Finn went from being clingy and shy to confident and whilst still reserved, certainly more outgoing than he once was. We accredited it to the school.

Currently cynical self says it would have happened regardless of where the socialisation took place. The fees have been jumped up enormously beginning next year, to close to $8000 a year. For primary education. That is part of the problem, they keep going up, well over triple what they were when we started at the school. How we will send 2 kids there is another problem... But, to us, it has always been that education is the best investment we can make in the kids future, so we paid it.

Lately, it feels the advantage we felt we were getting from the school over public, cheaper schools is slipping, especially when you consider what we are paying for that ever diminishing gap. But even aside from the cost, there are other concerns we are having that have me seriously questioning where he ought to be going. Initially, the school was full of these amazing teachers. Really passionate, believed in the philosophies and the kids and it was inspiring. I was excited to have them in Finns life. In the last 12 months, every single one of them has moved on. The ones left I either do not know, or am indifferent to (and in a couple of cases, not a fan of at all!) This alarms me. I wish I knew why these teachers had gone. What is going on??

The staff-child ration is excellent there, that is one thing we definitely pay for. I think in a class of 22 at its most busy (some are half day kids) there are 3 teachers. When it is just the full time kids, it is 1-2 teachers for no more than a dozen kids. Awesome.

But, I am disillusioned. Many of the families have decided to part ways with the school at the last fee rise as well, they have moved on, or are doing so at the school years end. Finn came home wanting to change schools as well (I am yet to know if there is genuine basis for his request or the general fear of change and that many of the others are going).

One family suggested to me, that 8k goes a long way elsewhere, as well. A cheaper school, an annual museum membership and zoo pass, a holiday, an after school activity - all excellent additions to a school curriculum that would still add value to the education experience. That makes a fair point, but it doesn't quite convince me.

I don't know. Finn is very sensitive, anxious... doesn't deal well with things outside his comfort zone. I thought the school dealt well with that, but lately, wonder... They seem to joke about it to me (almost patronising, or eye rolling about it) and publicly have said (in front of other parents) how they had to prepare Finn for this or that change because 'that's what he needs chuckle chuckle' eyerolly. I don't really like or agree with that. It bugs me. Yes he does, but so what?

He has a change at years end, every 3 years, class changes (not every year at this school) and this is one such moment. I feel now is a good time to move if we are going to, but I don't I wish to rush it either. We have to give 12 weeks notice (or one terms, not sure which) to get our 1k "acceptance fee" back.

I have feelers out, we may go visit one or two other schools in the area and suss them out, see what the vibe is. I want to feel I have options and not stick with this if it no longer works or is not worth the sacrifices we make to be there.

It feels yucky, I am so worried if we move him it will be the wrong decision, and so worried if we don't for the same thing. I used to be so confident in that place, so sure it was right for Finn and for us, the doubts and disappointment are a surprise, and a stress. I don't really know what to do next.

BFL picks w9

2009-11-06T20:21:00.002+11:00

Houston @ Indianapolis
 Washington @ Atlanta
 Arizona @ Chicago 
Baltimore @ Cincinnati 
Miami @ New England 
Green Bay @ Tampa Bay 
Kansas City @ Jacksonville
 Detroit @ Seattle 
Carolina @ New Orleans
 San Diego @ NY Giants 
Tennessee @ San Francisco 
Dallas @ Philadelphia

Monday Night 
Pittsburgh @ Denver

Combined MNF Score = 48

Melbourne Cup Day!

2009-11-03T15:55:00.000+11:00

I can't gamble. I suck at it. So much so, that when I signed up for my online betting account today, I placed my bets, then had no idea how to log back in. I had to call them and get advice.. Oh yeah I am a gambler, TOTALLY.

This is the one day a year I indulge my little gambling fetish, actually, most years I don't even place real bets, I just love looking at the form guide and picking a horse each race and imagining what I could have won. Usually I am well in the red... As I said, I suck at gambling.

But the Melbourne Cup is huge in Australia. They call it the race that stops a nation, because it pretty much does, for those 10 minutes, everyone is eye on TV or ear on radio. It's exciting, you get caught up in it, then you remember you picked based on a funny name or pretty jockey colors and you realise you're not cut out for it at all...

Still, good fun. I placed a few bets, will this be my year?!

ETA: So I won my money back. Coulda been worse than even... It'll do!

We don't do Halloween!!! #savethejackalanta

2009-11-03T10:44:00.000+11:00

Or so I thought.

I have long been one of those who drones on and on about how annoying it is that Halloween is always celebrated by a handful of Australians. It is simply another commercialised thing that has no meaning to us, that some have adopted, mostly because of media and marketing. It annoys me. I also used to go on about how Americanised we are becoming in general.

So each Halloween I grumble this same grumble, though if children DO come knocking, I give them a treat. I have had ONE trick or treater each year. ONE. No one that I know celebrates it, and a poll done on a site I use recently showed that 93% of 95 respondents do not celebrate Halloween at all. Reasons? We are not America (apparently we blame you guys for this one wholly and solely) and we are too nervous about sending our kids in search of lollies (candy! LOL) from strangers (!!)

Personally, I think if you feel like that, rather than ban the whole idea, why not use it as a teaching opportunity for the kids about that stuff, its a great chance to explore the whole thing!

ANYHOO. Irrelevant. What happened was that Finn came home this week beyond excitement because Saturday was Halloween! We can go trick or treating and I can do a jacklanta (Jack-O-Lantern)! he exclaimed.

Umm... Dude, we don't DO Halloween. Well, let me say, my kid doesn't take no for an answer easily. He made his own decorations (a witch with braces!) and would not let it drop. So, I caved.

Only, it was not that easy. Let me say again for the cheap seats - Halloween is just not a thing in Australia. So where the hell was I going to find Halloweeny stuff?! I manages to scrape up a costume and a couple of decorations, but I could not find a bloody jackalanta anywhere. These things are totally endangered in this country - #savethejackalantas.

So, plan B - we will papier mache one, i decided. No balloons in the house. Of course. And we are pushing it for dry time as it is! So... we find one we got from school the other day (I am the half deflated helium KILLER again, bonus!) and mache "Joe the balloon" we did. Was good fun too!

Halloween day, J found some more decorations and went a little (A LOT) overboard, but Finn loved it. That night though, right around Trick Or Treat time, it started to rain. And NO ONE was coming by. Finn dressed up, sat in the garage, and waited with his treats, eager to hand them out generously. Telling me how many each visitor could have, and eager as they come. I started to fret.

All hail the joy of the SMS - A friend from school said her daughter was as keen as Finn and if we wanted to come around they had a jackalanta. FOR RLZ. Score!!! Thank god, because we had no treaters at our door at all all night, but once at their place, a few came by and Finn was able to dish out the treats - in his element. Katarina's Dad also went next door and gave them chocolates so that the kids could then go over and have their own trick or treat experience as well. Of course, then he saw the real deal jackalanta - oh my goodness he was so excited. Meanwhile those lovely, generous American twitterfolk were as keen for him to experience Halloween as he was, so excited was multiplied as the pics of jackalantas and dressed up kiddies came a steaming on the twitpics. Finn was in heaven!

Mission accomplished. One successful Halloween in Australia. I just hope he doesn't come home next week and ask what we are doing for Thanksgiving!!!

Week 7 BFL picks

2009-10-31T19:48:00.002+11:00

Right. I have had it - unleashing my secret weapon this week. You're all going down!!! FO SHO. Picks are blue and bold!

Houston vs Buffalo
Cleveland vs Chicago
Seattle vs Dallas
St. Louis vs Detroit
San Francisco vs Indianapolis
Miami vs New York Jets
New York Giants vs Philadelphia
Denver vs Baltimore
Jacksonville vs Tennessee
Oakland vs San Diego
Carolina vs Arizona
Minnesota vs Green Bay

Monday Night
Atlanta vs New Orleans
Tie Breaker = 52

You never stop being a parent

2009-10-26T10:13:00.003+11:00

You know when you are 15, and you want to go out to a great party, but your parents kill your buzz and either don't let you, or set so many rules it's almost not worth it...

I'm 32 next month, and I seem to still be suffering that whole feeling of not meeting the expectations of my parents. Not making the decisions that they want me to. Letting them down by making choices they think are wrong for me.

At some point, they should realise that I know me better than they know me now. Right? I think that is not looking likely.

So, they're not happy with my US trip. I guess I knew it would be the case, but it hurts and it makes me angry. Why would you not support your childrens dreams and excitement? Why would you feel it necessary to say you think it is the wrong thing to do? Why can you not maybe think something, but not have to verbalise it?

The reasoning was not even sound, it made no sense, it contradicted itself, and it seemed hollow. So why does it bother me? There is no way it will change my mind, I am determined, and so long as J and I are happy with it, then how is it anyone elses business???

You know what, when Mum was going through treatment and wanted to avoid certain tests and even at one stage, her final chemo dose, I supported her. I disagreed, and was worried and upset about her decision, but I supported her because I felt she knew best and would do it anyway so I might as well be there for her. I am really disappointed she can't afford me the same respect.

It's taken the gloss and buzz off something that should have been exciting and wonderful and happy. That is really unfair. I am angry and upset. They have 4 months to get used to the idea and to be supportive. I will not let them ruin this for me, I will live my own life. I am an individual as well as a wife and mother and I have every right to pursue my own dreams. I can't see how it can be anything but good for me. It is not even 2 weeks away from home for goodness sake. This is crazy!!!

Right. Rant over. Where was I? Pass the San Fran guidebook please!

BFL wk 6 picks

2009-10-24T16:49:00.003+11:00

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh 
San Francisco @ Houston 
San Diego @ Kansas City
 Green Bay @ Cleveland 
Indianapolis @ St. Louis 
New England @ Tampa Bay 
Buffalo @ Carolina
 NY Jets @ Oakland
 Atlanta @ Dallas 
Chicago @ Cincinnati
 New Orleans @ Miami 
Arizona @ NY Giants

Monday Night 
Philadelphia @ Washington  
Combined MNF Score = 52

Rewards!

2009-10-22T19:20:00.000+11:00

So, I am actually nervous to even write this. But, one of the presents I got for grad from J : Um. A trip to the U.S.A. More specifically, California.

Alone.

Pretty sure I am insane.

I always wanted to travel, and imagine the inspiration for writing, the growth! But, that aside, it is something I have always wanted to do. To see the world, for as long as I can remember. Everyone is aware of my Italy obsession, I guess this is a good first trip to launch my dream of seeing it all. Friends to guide me, a familiar language and culture.

Terrified of leaving my babies for 2 weeks, but it feels important. It feels right. The rest of this year is hectic, my birthday, J's and RJ's birthdays, Green Day concert with F-bear, and Christmas... so I decided to leave it until the new year, and when Finn is back at school. So... the start of March it is.

Eeee!!!!

I'm a master of the universe!

2009-10-21T05:49:00.007+11:00

I wrote an email to one of my closest friends this morning, and decided to blog it. Today I am going to my graduation for my Master of Arts (Writing and Literature). I was just reading earlier entries in my blog tagged with masters. lol. I really did struggle to get here!

I have been awake since 4am, just thinking about graduation today, and I have felt really anxious. Its bugging me, I should be excited. I mean, I AM excited as well, but there is anxiety and there is also a LOT of emotion. I think, in writing this, I have an idea why - this degree was my escape through my mums cancer battle. There were nights where I was so fucking scared that I was going to lose her and I just immersed myself in the writing to escape thinking and confronting those thoughts. Mum and I are really close. We talk several times a day, she knows all my secrets. The idea of losing her, if not to the cancer then just her mortality at all, was terrifying. One day, in her chemo cycles - chemo can affect you in terms of making you vague and out of it - I took the kids to visit for the day. Mum was playing with Finn, I had RJ in the study, settling her for a nap. The smoke detector went off, which happens for burnt toast there so I didn't react, it is a sensitive alarm. Suddenly, I heard my Mum just screaming... and thought to myself, 'oh man that's serious screaming' so I bolted out and I saw an eerie red glow, and then realised that the kitchen was on fire. She had left oil on the stove and it had caught. She forgot it was on. Chemo.

Anyway, she was standing there screaming for my dad who was outside somewhere. I had to take over, I just told her to get Finn out so she told Finn to go get my dad, Finn was 5!!! So he is running outside scared and crying calling for his pa... Mum was still screaming for Dad and just panicking, and the kitchen was still on fire. I said to her GO OUT AND COMFORT FINN. And I (thank GOD) found their fire extinguisher and start fighting this stupid fire, which when I squirted it, seemed to jump everywhere and make it worse. I started to freak out a little but just kept squirting the hell out of it all. I got it out just as dad came racing in. The smoke was so thick so quickly, and I remembered RJ was in the study, so I told dad it was out as I literally ran and got RJ out and then went and found and checked on Finn and calmed him... it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. It was an awareness that mum wasn't mum, that she had cancer, that this was reality. It was fucking awful. I had to take valium that night to sleep I was so distressed.

This is irrelevant, and yet not. I think, in graduating, I'm letting go of a bit of denial, and now that mum is okay, its still this confronting scary thing and letting go of a comfort or distraction or a denial is a little scary. Am I making any sense? I guess it is as though the masters was a bit of a security blanket because it blocked dealing with things. Now I have to give it up and its great... but scary too? And obviously, IVF was tough, pregnancy was intense, having a newborn is tough, and I did this degree through those too. So many times I wanted to give up. It took me almost a year longer than it should have. But I toughed it out, and I did it. And here I am. I'm proud of me, for this, more than anything else I have ever done. Big day. Overwhelming.

So, through a mix of emotions, today is a big one. I loved the study required to get me this qualification, I really, really, loved it, I feel I found my passion, it was a bonus that it helped me cope with other stuff - I am sure it is the same for many. So, yes I am tooting my own horn and bragging today, but I promise it won't last TOO long... Stay tuned to see how I am rewarding myself for the slog!

BFL picks

2009-10-16T20:54:00.002+11:00

I missed them last week, so having a go. Megs did the picking for me this week! Thatnk you @MegsyT - if you do better than me, you get the job.

Houston @ Cincinnati 
Detroit @ Green Bay 
St. Louis @ Jacksonville
 Baltimore @ Minnesota 
NY Giants @ New Orleans 
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh 
Carolina @ Tampa Bay 
Kansas City @ Washington
 Philadelphia @ Oakland 
Arizona @ Seattle 
Tennessee @ New England 
Buffalo @ NY Jets 
Chicago @ Atlanta

Monday Night: 
Denver @ San Diego 
Combined MNF Score = 36

"I get by with a little help from my friends."

2009-10-05T09:25:00.003+11:00

I've always said, I am not that good of a friend. I am often withdrawn and stand offish and I tend to keep to myself a lot. I'm not the kind of friend that you can just drop in on, or that drops in on others. Sometimes, I think I am sort of selfish. My friends (amazingly, I do have them!) would probably say it isn't true, but to an extent it is.

I guess as a result, the friends that I do have, are the truest of friends. Because they understand my strange little ways, and they love me anyway. They get that I often ebb and flow, and it never affects the friendship. The know that if they need me, I will be there in a heartbeat. And vice versa.

I'm currently in a social phase, and I guess I have a lot going on in my head, and in my heart. I don't usually share that stuff, I'm intensely private, but the relief I have felt at being able to share some of the big stuff with friends lately, has been enormous. That adage of a problem shared is a problem halved is kinda true. Letting someone in enough to show them true emotion and to share your fears etc with is a powerful thing. Not feeling alone with something is powerful. So why do I find it difficult to do a lot of the time?! Do others feel like this, or do you have people you can tell everything to? Good, bad, ugly, all of it? Is it difficult for you to do so, or is it a regular catharsis for most?

This coming Saturday, my best friend and I are getting away from it all for a night. A girls night. One that we probably both need for a lot of reasons. I am looking forward to a night of chatter, giggles and relaxing. Shes one of many friends I am very lucky to have, and grateful to have. Again, I don't say enough to these friends that they are important in my life. From all around the globe, my friends, I love you.

"At the shrine of friendship Never say die, Let the wine of friendship never run dry." (Les Miserables).

This is so me!

2009-10-04T07:19:00.002+11:00

Week 4 BFL

2009-10-04T06:37:00.002+11:00

Tampa Bay @ Washington
NY Giants @ Kansas City
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Oakland @ Houston
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
Seattle @ Indianapolis
Detroit @ Chicago
Baltimore @ New England
Buffalo @ Miami
NY Jets @ New Orleans
St. Louis @ San Francisco
Dallas @ Denver
San Diego @ Pittsburgh

Monday Night:
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Combined MNF Score = 22

Week 3 picks

2009-09-26T16:10:00.003+10:00

Washington @ Detroit
Green Bay @ St. Louis
San Francisco @ Minnesota
Atlanta @ New England
Tennessee @ NY Jets
Kansas City @ Philadelphia
NY Giants @ Tampa Bay
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Jacksonville @ Houston
Chicago @ Seattle
New Orleans @ Buffalo
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Denver @ Oakland
Miami @ San Diego
Indianapolis @ Arizona

Monday Night:
Carolina @ Dallas
Combined MNF Score = 33

Sometimes, I must get it right.

2009-09-23T14:55:00.005+10:00

F bear and I just went on our daily trip to the letterbox. Yes, that was the excitement at our place today, mail time. And there wasn't even any mail. I (as usual) am getting away from my point!!!

Finn turns to me and says: "Race you back!" and takes off, and I, RJ stuck to my hip, tickle his back the whole way. He runs back inside, and I stop to grab some bread from the garage freezer on my way in. When I come in he is busy arranging his wooden alphabet letters.

"Don't look at what I am writing!!" he says gleefully, so I take the bread into the kitchen and faff about a bit.

"Okay! Come and see now. This is what you are Mama!" he announces.

As I wander over, I say, "Ohhkayyyy but if it says 'the loser' I might cryyyy" (and believe me, F is capable of that one, especially when he is channeling the cheekiness of his father; the joy those two get tormenting me is just evil!)
I walk over, and this is what he has arranged:

I swear to god, I almost burst into tears. I definitely welled up. My life is simple, I don't really achieve great things, but to one little boy, I am a hero.

What else could I ever possibly want???

A lovely story about me...

2009-09-21T14:27:00.000+10:00

I stole this from an email I got, it summed me up, so I stole it.

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
(That would be me... :-) )

But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

THE END.

What do I know about American football?

2009-09-19T16:41:00.005+10:00

Nothing. I have no idea about Australian football, and yet... My American tweeties have talked me into participating in the Blogger Football League tipping thingy.

So without further ado, I have NO idea, I just pick the names I like... Has given me a giggle. I like the pretty place names.

Week 2 picks.

Carolina @ Atlanta
Minnesota @ Detroit
Cincinnati @ Green Bay
Houston @ Tennessee
Oakland @ Kansas City
New England @ NY Jets
New Orleans @ Philadelphia
St Louis @ Washington
Arizona @ Jacksonville
Seattle @ San Francisco
Tampa Bay @ Buffalo
Pittsburgh @ Chicago
Baltimore @ San Diego
Cleveland @ Denver
NY Giants @ Dallas

Monday Night
Indianapolis @ Miami

Points = 27

Infertility Revisited (again).

2009-09-19T14:01:00.005+10:00

I was reminded again this morning, about the frustration people dealing with infertility face, and how misunderstood that grief is. When I was grieving my own infertility, at about the point that we decided to stop trying treatment and accept that we would have no more, I was so incredibly angry, so bitter, and you know what? I stand by it. It was hell and no one but those in it understood it, and it can be the loneliest feeling in the world. Most people I have come across with infertility issues, handle it with far more grace than I did, but do they feel the same as I did? Are they a seething mass of anger, and sadness underneath and simply handle it better? Are they better at projecting that outward, coping facade? Or was I really over the top in my emotional state? The end part of our journey is over at My Face Tube but there were 4 years leading up that last one, and it was the 2 prior that I was at my lowest and was often told I was angry, bitter and frankly, a bitch.

Funnily, it was the most liberating and freeing thing to do, was to be a bitch and to be okay with it within myself. Yes I am sarcastic, snarky, and with little tolerance for stupidity. But, I am okay with that. If you are not, see you later, thank you for stopping by. It is one of the silver linings of that whole period, that ability to accept and love about myself, that which others found so awful. I also made some of the most loyal, understanding and supportive friends anyone can make.

Someone wondered today, would they return to 'normal' when the infertility hell was over. Having waged that war, and eventually won it, I think no. Well, not the same normal as before, anyway. For me, it certainly eased, the wounds heal, but they leave scars, and they change you as a person. They change the people you surround yourself with, and they change you. It reminds me that there is a story to tell here. There is a voice that needs to be heard. There is normalising that needs to be done. The emotions of infertility are very often ugly, and confronting, especially to the smug variety of fertiles, but they aren't wrong.

They just are. And that's okay.

It is a story I am determined to tell.

Perspective

2009-09-12T14:43:00.000+10:00

The past month has impacted on me in a big way, two related events, yet very separate in my life too. Both involve that insidious C word. Last week, my Mum had her very last radiotherapy treatment. This followed several months of chemotherapy, and surgery for breast cancer. This week, her oncologist has told her he will see her in 3 months, she is done. It is beaten. The war has been won.

How momentous! It has been a very, very, long 8 months since she was diagnosed, many tears, many fears and some very difficult times. She did it though, she made it out the other side, and so have we, with her. It is very overwhelming, and difficult to comprehend that this is the end of it. To say we feel lucky is probably an understatement of the grossest kind.

Yesterday, Mum visited for the day. She still wears her scarf on her head, she is only beginning now to grow her hair back after chemotherapy. We were sitting, talking about a whole lot of things, when my friend posted a picture on twitter. I am not sure if you read Stepford Dreams (if not you ought to!); but my friend Carolyn, who authors this blog, I have known for a few years now. In all of this time, I have known of her best friend Alli and her own fight with cancer.

Yesterday, Stepford Dreams twitpic'd herself and Alli in hospital, it was a beautiful picture, a happy one. It made me smile. Then I looked at my mum, and burst into tears. Alli has not been as lucky as my Mum. I am aching for my friend Carolyn, and at the same time, I feel an appreciation, an incredible deep feeling of being grateful that I cannot express fully in words. I cried and both my Mum and I felt so sad, yet so so lucky.

I think too often, we take for granted, the people in our lives, we complain about the small things, we forget the bigger picture. We forget what matters. We don't realise how well off we truly are. We don't tell people often enough that we love them and that they matter in our lives. Today, I feel exceptionally lucky, but at the same time, a deep and aching sadness for my friend and the nightmare she simply cannot wake up from. I feel useless. There is nothing I can do, and that sucks. Please keep them all in your thoughts and prayers.

So, normally snarky, feisty me, not normally one for emotion or anything that could be construed as 'soppy' just wanted to remind you to count your blessings today, and to remember how much worse things could be.

Sam's gone missing!!!

2009-08-27T08:29:00.001+10:00

Scary times here this week, Sam went missing. Who, I hear you ask, is Sam? Sam, is (obviously!) the name given to a helium balloon that F bought home from a birthday party on the weekend. He drew a face on him, and dubbed him Sam the grandfather. Sam was okay, at first, bumping his head on the ceiling and bouncing about happily. Everyone was happy, Sam was smiling, F bear was smiling and I watched warily, knowing Sam would soon deflate into that scary zone.

Sure enough, Sam started to lose his puff. He reached that eerie drifting, halfway to the ground lurking stage that feels me with fear and amuses F to no end. "LOOK!" F screams at the same time as Sam appears in my line of vision, next to my head, all stealth like, and I leap into the air squealing, making F giggle crazily - like a mad inventor proud of his evil creation.

The drama began when F came in a few hours later, asking where had Sam gone??? I laughed nervously, "what do you MEAN where is he gone, he was RIGHT HERE a minute ago". We looked around, Sam was nowhere to be seen. He was at my head height, he should not be easy to miss. Where the hell had he gone? We had heard no popping, we could see no earthly remains of Sam on the floor. It was as though he had simply disappeared.

We methodically went from room to room, looking for his pink bobbing head - nothing. I felt genuine anxiety build in me as I frantically went from one end of the house to the other. Where WAS he?! Would he appear next to me again from nowhere?! Was he doing this to mock me?! WHERE THE HELL HAD HE GONE?!!?!?! Part of me began to suspect Sam had somehow worked out my silly fear and was taunting me, my anxiety rose further. Several laps of the house had not yielded his evil pink head.

Finn was puzzled and decided it was time for action. He began to tape missing person signs up around the house. Proactive. Thats my boy.

I was sure I had begun to literally run around in circles now, how can he just be GONE? I couldn't understand it, and my fear began to feel genuine and real. I started to giggle, "I have a fear of helium balloons!" I cackled. F looked at me oddly. Okay. STOP I told myself. Calm. Breaaaaathe. Finn was still taping his 7th missing person sign to the wall (7 in only 2 rooms of our house, no less) and I forced myself to get a grip and instead of glance-looking for his pink head at my head height, I actually looked, properly, in each room. "He must be somewhere, logically, he cannot disappear. This is not a movie. He has not been possessed. He is here, somewhere. Just find him. Before he finds you."

Eventually, F heard me shrieking, Sam was found. He had been squirreling himself away in the toy box of his own accord. I think he knew I was onto him so gave himself up in truth. F was thrilled. Sam was back where he ought to be. I was pleased he had deflated below head height, the end was nigh for Sam.

F went about the house, and with great satisfaction, put a giant X through each of his 7 missing person signs. Peace was restored. And I plotted the notion of pricking Sam with a wee pin so his demise was accelerated a little. Take THAT creepy balloon.

Creepy silent stalkers you ought be aware of...

2009-08-25T08:40:00.000+10:00

Laugh if you must (and everyone else does so you might as well!) but I fear some fairly "different" things. One I have had for as long as I can remember, is whales. Snicker if you will, but I find them creepy. They are so... big. And in water. Come on! Kind of like underwater ships (big ships are also just wrong). Yes, I do realise that on land, I am quite safe from their squealy Oooo-oooo noises and drifty silent stalkiness. You must see it!?!?! Just you wait, the day they grow legs and come after us land dwellers I shall be saying I told you so.

Further to this creepy underwater silent stalker type, is my other fear. Fear is perhaps too strong a word but, these things make me distinctly uncomfortable. Helium Balloons. But not the ones floating in the sky, accidentally let go, or bouncing against a roof, and not those deflated and lifeless on a floor either. It is that in between stage. You know the one I mean. The half deflated point where they sort of drift, at head height, around the room, silently. You are sitting, minding your own business when OH MY GOD! The half deflated balloon appears out of the corner of your eye, hovering next to your face like a silent stalker. Scaring the absolute crap out of you and making you jump and scream like a little girl. It is extremely eerie. It ought to be compulsory that someone suck the helium out of them at this point and amuse me with their voice squeakiness. This is the only solution I can see, to end this madness.

Just how uncomfortable these balloons make me was bought home to me recently, stay tuned for my next entry to see what happened when "Sam" went missing at our place...

Hottest 100 of all time - Well, from a TripleJ audience perspective.

2009-07-16T13:42:00.001+10:00

http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/hottest100_alltime/countdown/cd_list.htm

What is notable about this list? Aside from nothing from the Tea Party. Correct answer gets... well.. nothing. Except my praise and respect :D

Hottest 100 Of All Time 2009

* 1. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
* 2. Rage Against the Machine - Killing In The Name
* 3. Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah
* 4. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
* 5. Radiohead - Paranoid Android
* 6. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
* 7. Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye
* 8. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under The Bridge
* 9. Foo Fighters - Everlong
* 10. Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven
* 11. John Lennon - Imagine
* 12. Oasis - Wonderwall
* 13. Radiohead - Creep
* 14. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
* 15. Radiohead - Karma Police
* 16. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
* 17. Hilltop Hoods - The Nosebleed Section
* 18. Muse - Knights Of Cydonia
* 19. Metallica - One
* 20. White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
* 21. Powderfinger - These Days
* 22. Massive Attack - Teardrop
* 23. Hunters & Collectors - Throw Your Arms Around Me
* 24. The Beatles - A Day in the Life
* 25. Pearl Jam - Alive
* 26. Michael Jackson - Thriller
* 27. Powderfinger - My Happiness
* 28. Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
* 29. Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
* 30. Jimi Hendrix - All Along the Watchtower
* 31. Metallica - Enter Sandman
* 32. New Order - Blue Monday
* 33. Silverchair - Tomorrow
* 34. The Living End - Prisoner Of Society
* 35. Smashing Pumpkins - 1979
* 36. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Into My Arms
* 37. Tool - Stinkfist
* 38. The Killers - Mr Brightside
* 39. Pearl Jam - Better Man
* 40. Nirvana - Come As You Are
* 41. Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
* 42. Bloc Party - Banquet
* 43. The Beach Boys - God Only Knows
* 44. The Beatles - Hey Jude
* 45. Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows
* 46. Faith No More - Epic
* 47. John Butler Trio - Betterman
* 48. Beastie Boys - Sabotage
* 49. Guns 'N Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
* 50. Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over
* 51. Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings
* 52. You Am I - Berlin Chair
* 53. Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
* 54. The Cure - Close To Me
* 55. Bob Dylan - Like A Rolling Stone
* 56. Jeff Buckley - Lover, You Should Have Come Over
* 57. Tool - Forty Six & 2
* 58. Daft Punk - Around The World
* 59. Augie March - One Crowded Hour
* 60. Johnny Cash - Hurt
* 61. Blur - Song 2
* 62. Nine Inch Nails - Closer
* 63. AC/DC - Thunderstruck
* 64. Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun
* 65. Underworld - Born Slippy
* 66. Elton John - Tiny Dancer
* 67. Ben Folds Five - Brick
* 68. Blink 182 - Dammit
* 69. Jeff Buckley - Grace
* 70. The Prodigy - Breathe
* 71. The Smiths - How Soon Is Now?
* 72. The Shins - New Slang
* 73. The Clash - London Calling
* 74. Nirvana - Lithium
* 75. Green Day - Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
* 76. The Stone Roses - Fools Gold
* 77. Gotye - Hearts A Mess
* 78. Smashing Pumpkins - Today
* 79. David Bowie - Life on Mars
* 80. The Rolling Stones - Paint It Black
* 81. Pulp - Common People
* 82. System Of A Down - Chop Suey!
* 83. Placebo - Every You Every Me
* 84. Bob Marley & The Wailers - No Woman, No Cry
* 85. The Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You
* 86. The Beatles - Come Together
* 87. Coldplay - Yellow
* 88. The Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter
* 89. Rage Against the Machine - Bulls On Parade
* 90. Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
* 91. AC/DC - Back In Black
* 92. Bon Iver - Skinny Love
* 93. Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy
* 94. Modest Mouse - Float On
* 95. Stevie Wonder - Superstition
* 96. Daft Punk - One More Time
* 97. Midnight Oil - Beds Are Burning
* 98. Led Zeppelin - Kashmir
* 99. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me
* 100. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out

Thinking

2009-07-13T12:39:00.002+10:00

Of you 2 years on my friend.

I dreamed about you the other night. Man I have weird dreams!!! I dreamed that you had just died, and that we came to say goodbye to your body. You for some weird reason, resembled a baby, and not yourself, so I felt weird but pretended anyway and said bye. When I said "I am surprised you haven't punched me in the arm" (as you always did!) the baby did it and it was so you, and then I saw your face, normal and smiling and I hugged you for real, and said "I am so going to miss you, I never see you anymore, but man I am going to miss you" and then that was it, you were gone, and you turned into a puff of empty silk, and blew away.

I think my subconscious knew your anniversary was near, before my conscious registered the date. I still think about you lots. RIP, W. xx

Are we there yet?!

2009-07-07T15:52:00.004+10:00

I am exhausted. Seriously, I am dead on my feet. School holidays are killing me, one week to go, he goes back next Tuesday. That said, I am going to miss him like crazy when he is back there, and so is little RJ who seems to have established a real relationship with him having had him around so much the last 13 days (7 days to go, 7 to go people, that's 7, yes 7). But who knew a child could talk that much!? Impressive really, the way he natters on almost non stop, how can he breathe? How is this possible?

He has been sending me emails, which honestly, crack me up. They are complete nonsense half the time, which is why they are funny. For example:

(Q) What do you call a crazy mum? (A) mamma!!!!

You are... CRAZY AS A COCANUT!!!! that is why YOU'RE the
best.

I'll give you huh!

(Q) tbhnbg nfngmhg cchncfcnhej gncnncencwmemjkmlm?
(A) a baby.

And so on, utterly insane he is. I swear he does not get it from me! Such a funny little boy, he really is joy to be around, I just wish that every so often he would take a breath! His school report for last term was pretty damn awesome too, he was so far off the chart for his reading skills he was in an entirely different level, and his maths was exceptional as well. So proud, the only areas lacking were his self confidence in terms of speaking and contributing to group discussions. It's funny how incredibly gregarious he is with family, but how reserved he is at school and how reluctant to have new experiences there he is. But, being the school it is, they play to his strengths and aid his weaknesses and encourage all the right things. Worth every penny, and there are many we give for it!

Also, I changed my mind AGAIN about where to have his rock star party, and went with the play centre. I just cannot be bothered with the pre and post cleaning and organising with RJ so unsettled lately, it just felt too much. So we'll Green Day up his invites, party bags, and outfit and he is happy with that, so much easier having activities, food, cleanup done for us. I know, I know, it's a cop-out, my excuse is a teething 7 month old... Hey, I got him tickets to the concert, thats good for something... right?!

I'm hungry...

2009-07-04T17:28:00.005+10:00

...Dinner is in the oven and I can smell it cooking - a lamb roast with rosemary and garlic. What is better is that J is cooking it!! Delish. I even went so far as to make a lemon cheesecake for dessert.

Saturday night is make an effort night for dinner here. J and I take it in turns to cook, then we watch a DVD together.

Last week I made Greek chicken casserole -

And an entree of caramelised onion and mushroom tarts. They were divine! Recipe here.

Before that, J made steak with a mushroom sauce and vegies and so on... So he has done the roast tonight - what am I going to make next week that is a little bit different, but still simple and tasty. 2 courses, it can be either an entree and main or main and dessert, what are your tried and true yummy but a bit special dishes?

Beat the chill (leave dignity at the door!)

2009-06-30T14:00:00.000+10:00

It is a very cold winter here in Melbourne this year. We live in an especially cold part of the state, and have had some frosty nights already this year. Heating costs a fortune, but what can we do?? There is a solution. It was on television the other day, and it will solve all the warmth dilemmas.

"Do tell of your secret!" I hear you all say. Oh my friends, gather around, it is soooo worth hearing.

Snuggies. Yes!!! You must have heard or seen these funny creations, they are like a blanket with armholes. Every bit as stylish as you can imagine. Here is a piccy -

LOL Seriously, would you wear this? In public is even suggested on the ad... And one size fits all and they have kids in them, how do they not get tangled and fall to the ground straight jacket faceplant style?! Oh so chic and fashionable. Right?!

But wait, they are so cheap, only $60 AND you get a booklight. OMFG. A BOOKLIGHT. How can you NOT get one!?!?!

Hilarious!!

Ahhh F bear...

2009-06-29T15:20:00.003+10:00

... You are awesome, kid.

ETA: I would like to apologise to the person who's search query "montessori magnetic letters" led them to my last entry... oops.

The pitfalls of magnetic letters

2009-06-26T14:09:00.000+10:00

AKA Another reason I am a Bad Mother.

Hmm. Yesterday, F and I discussed swear words as I explained he could not play the Green Day DVD at his party because most people don't like swear words. He asked what words were swear words. I said, "the F word, shit, bloody..." (that is plenty to tell!) He said "and.. stupid!" Well okay, yes why not?

He then went off to play. Today I was making breakfast and I paused as I opened the fridge door.

"Umm, F, could you come here a sec?" In he trotted. "What's this about?" I asked gesturing my Vegemite knife at the fridge door.

"Oh, I decided to make you a swear word in case you felt like seeing one."
"Oh right. Well. Thanks?"
"You're welcome. And look, if you move theeeeese... tada! Another one!!"

"Oh so it is... Err.. clever you?"

And off he went. Please remind me to move it after showing J, but well before the party when my house is filled with Montessori parents...

Curse you debit mastercard

2009-06-24T14:53:00.000+10:00

Have you seen the ad? It says something along the lines of how can your debit mastercard help you live the life of a rockstar? So you go out buy a drumkit with your DMC, practice, practice, practice, get your first gig, tour over seas, trash motel room and pay for it with the debit MC...

It of course, made F's little ears prick up. He says to me the other day:
"Mum, what is a debit mastercard and how do I get one?" I asked why, and he said he wanted to do a 'gick'.
"Whats a gick F?"
"You know, a gick with my drums? What is a gick, Mum?"
I thought about it for a second, then recalled the ad and explained that first gigs were often done at pubs or on the street, sometimes to only a couple of people... And that the DMC card uses his own money.
"So.. my money box has to be full then? Oh good, because it has SOME money in it already!" "Yes... and you have drums now already."
"Oh cool!! Then I can do my first gick?"
"Gig, babe, umm.. yeah but remember the ad says practice, practice practice first?"
"ohhh yeahhhh, okay Mum listen to this!"
Cue drums being bashed for oh, say ten seconds or so. That's his practice. But he does it daily at least.

I am actually wondering at what age he can get formal drum lessons? He has a guitar and keyboard as well, but it is the drums he is most keen on, and shows most aptitude for. Does anyone know or have any helpful advice? I don't want to push him at all, or zap the fun, but at what age do I take him seriously?! I want to encourage him and his dreams!

Time no time, where do i find some time?

2009-06-23T13:58:00.004+10:00

I have writing ideas brewing, floating aimlessly around my head, and I am desperate to write but I simply do not have time. With a 6 month old just developing separation anxiety, a 5 year old turning 6 in a few weeks, school runs (or even more dauntingly from this Thursday - school holidays), Mum's cancer and treatment, general daily chores and sleep - I just do not get any solid chunks of time to write at all. I actually wonder how the hell that masters got done. I am so tired in the evenings I just want to crash and/or read and chillax. I tried to write at 5am when I got up with RJ but it prevented her from falling back to sleep and that is a Very Bad Thing. So what and how do I do this? At the moment, just a short story would be great! :(

JD I am looking especially at you - how do you manage writing your second novel with little L??? Will it be done pre-Pepper?

Green Day 21 Guns new video

2009-06-22T13:26:00.000+10:00

Green Day - "21 Guns" - HD

Tag... you're it!

2009-06-22T09:30:00.000+10:00

Lovely lady Belinda over at Journey to a mini B has tagged me -

1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention & add one more question of your own.
2. Tag eight other people

What is your current obsession?
This goddamn rock star party...

What’s for dinner?
Shepherds Pie, good on such a cold day too!

What’s the last thing you bought?
Some clothes (jeans, tops) last weekend I think? I don't think I have been anywhere since, how tragic!

What are you listening to right now?
lol Der. Green Day - 21st Century Breakdown

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
To bed to sleep. Yes, I am that easily pleased!

Which language do you want to learn?
Italian, I have given it a crack a few times, and I know a little, but I long to be fluent. It will happen one day too, I am certain of it!

What do you love most about where you currently live?
It is pretty, tree-ish (is that a word?!), cold (I like cold), and midway between the city and my family.

What is your favourite colour?
Yellow

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
One of the shirts I just bought, very simple but pretty

Describe your personal style?
Depends on the day you catch me, lately it is comfort, but if I make an effort, I would say classic.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on?
Books!!!!

What are you going to do after this?
More coffee. Always the coffee.

What are your favourite films?
Good Will Hunting
The Notebook
Little Miss Sunshine
Muriels Wedding
Gone With The Wind

Your favourite smell?
Coffee
Freshly mowed grass in summer
Garlic cooking

Do you collect anything?
No, not that I can think of.

What makes you follow a blog?
Humor, interesting subject matter

Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk?
I try to comment but I am usually too time poor to get through them.

What’s one thing you dream of doing?
Writing a bestseller from a villa somewhere in the Italian countryside...

What is your biggest regret?
Although not going ended up being worth it a million times over, I do wish I had gone to Italy the two opportunities I had.

What is your favourite thing to do on a rainy day?
Read with a hot chocolate in a warm blanket.

Do you have a tattoo?
No. As seen in this post, I am getting a cherry blossom tattoo very soon...

What are you favourite books?
Bryce Courtney: Power of One & April Fools day
John Marsden: Tomorrow series
Martha Beck: Expecting Adam
Lisa Genova: Still Alice (admittedly on 3/4 the way through but love her style)
I have gone blank, it is early, I am sleep deprived and I need more coffee. There must be a gazillion though.

Are you left handed, right handed, ambidextrous, or a little of both?
I am a righty!

What is the single most defining moment of your life thus far?
Not simply the birth of my children, but the sacrifices and things we went through to reach those births!

I tag:
Fat Mum Slim
Now With Sprinkles
Kahlee Rose
Stepford Dreams
See Merrill Write
Finslippy
Feeding the fire from within
Sparsley Kate

Rockstar party problems!

2009-06-21T16:44:00.006+10:00

Oh the headache. This rockstar party is challenging me!

So, the kid is popular, he just got home from his 9th, yes 9th, party this year. It is only June! Therefore, we are looking at an invite list that may require us hiring Rod Laver Arena to accommodate. Our house is wee. Very small. It just fit 8 kids his last party. Realistically, this year will be minimum 12-15 kids, and we just won't fit them, plus any parents who wish to stay, in our house. This in itself disappoints the small man, but what to do!? Parent politics come into this! So I look at a play centre, which is okay... but then the Green Day/rockstar theme is going to be severely diluted, possibly lost altogether. This would also disappoint. So we can half arsed do the rockstar thing at a play centre...

Argh. WHAT to do!? His father seems to think that its all quite acceptable to spend upwards of $700 on a 6th birthday, but to me thats insane. Last year it was a touch less, this includes present and party. (This year we were thinking Nintendo DS and games for the present). The real problem is where how and at what cost do we do this? Less kids does not seem possible. Other venues up the cost a whack and make the theming harder.

Oh please party fairies please wave a wand and solve all my problems here, I am SO not party oriented. Should ask todays lot who held theirs at swisho posh home and included a visit from a real fire engine to complete their fireman theme... Maybe I could ask Green Day to pop along and do a number or two? Sigh...

HELP please?!?!!?

I thought I was verbose and over written!

2009-06-20T16:14:00.000+10:00

GOOD WRITING ADVICE
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency.Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and vain vapid verbosity.

If you are really interested to know, the above means: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”

Source: http://todd7.tumblr.com/post/122304526/from-my-inbox

I am told I overwrite (by my thesis supervisor, and she is dead right). But this is a new level of extreme...

From cool to not so cool...

2009-06-19T11:10:00.001+10:00

...in the blink of an eye.

My super cool, rockstar with his 6th birthday going the Greenday punk rock theme, knowing his drummers and his bands and generally being super cool says to me yesterday - "I know what I want my party to be the year after next year!" (note not next year, the year AFTER next year, I don't know why, he baffle sme too and he is my kid!) "Whats that?" his reply - "A Coles party!!!"

Umm. Hold on a sec...

"A what?!"

"A Coles party, you know, like the shop?"

Yes, you read correctly, Mr ImSoCool wants a party based on a supermarket. What the... ?! And what would that even involve!? He was at a loss to tell me. Thankfully, I have two years to work it out :P

ETA - new layout = comments @ post top... WHY?

Ooooh 21 Guns

2009-06-18T07:41:00.002+10:00

The video of the new Greenday single, 21 Guns, premieres June 21, 9pm pacific time... whatever that is in Aussie!? Awesome song, one I like right off, knew it would be a single and is apparently on the new Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen soundtrack.
Teaser of vid here:

Behind The Scenes of 21 Guns

Currently Reading...

2009-06-17T17:32:00.003+10:00

Still Alice by Lisa Genova link

From Publishers Weekly
Neuroscientist and debut novelist Genova mines years of experience in her field to craft a realistic portrait of early onset Alzheimer's disease. Alice Howland has a career not unlike Genova's—she's an esteemed psychology professor at Harvard, living a comfortable life in Cambridge with her husband, John, arguing about the usual (making quality time together, their daughter's move to L.A.) when the first symptoms of Alzheimer's begin to emerge. First, Alice can't find her Blackberry, then she becomes hopelessly disoriented in her own town. Alice is shocked to be diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's (she had suspected a brain tumor or menopause), after which her life begins steadily to unravel. She loses track of rooms in her home, resigns from Harvard and eventually cannot recognize her own children. The brutal facts of Alzheimer's are heartbreaking, and it's impossible not to feel for Alice and her loved ones, but Genova's prose style is clumsy and her dialogue heavy-handed. This novel will appeal to those dealing with the disease and may prove helpful, but beyond the heartbreaking record of illness there's little here to remember. (Jan.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

The Alchemy of Loss by Abigail Carter link

From Publishers Weekly
Carter's husband, C. Arron Dack, was probably in Windows on the World, the restaurant atop the World Trade Center, when the planes hit on 9/11. Although she hoped he'd miraculously survived, when he didn't turn up the next day, her grieving began. Carter, who now lives in Seattle, Wash., bases her grieving process on a book by Kathleen Brehony called After the Darkest Hour: the first stage, blackening, which in alchemy strips down lead to its original alloys, corresponded to her initial phase of disorienting grief, when she hardly knew how to live day to day, much less how to comfort their two small children, ages two and six. Next, the whitening stage purified the metal; for Carter, some new routines took hold and she started feeling as though she might make it. The final stage, reddening, when the base metal turns to pure gold, corresponded to Carter's own enlightenment. She accepted that she wasn't very good at her former job anymore, and she accepted that she didn't want to live in the house or the town that she'd shared with her husband. Resilient in the end, Carter shares all her doubts and fears along the way, which other grieving widows may appreciate. (Sept.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

And finally... (because they threw it in for $1.95 when you purchase 2 books... and frankly, I am a sucker for a 2 buck book!)

The Associate by John Grisham link

From Publishers Weekly
Bestseller Grisham's contemporary legal thriller offers an action-and-suspense plot reminiscent of that of his breakout book, 1991's The Firm, in contrast to 2008's didactic The Appeal, which served as a platform for his concerns about the corrupting effects of judicial elections. Kyle McAvoy, a callow Yale Law School student, dreams of a public service gig on graduation, until shadowy figures blackmail him with a videotape that could revive a five-year-old rape accusation. Instead of helping those in need, McAvoy accepts a position at a huge Wall Street firm, Scully & Pershing, whose clients include a military contractor enmeshed in a $800 billion lawsuit concerning a newly-designed aircraft. McAvoy can avoid exposure of his past if he feeds his new masters inside information on the case. Readers should be prepared for some predictable twists, an ending with some unwarranted ambiguity and some unconvincing details (the idea that a secret file room in a high stakes litigation case would be closed from 10:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. every night stretches credulity to the breaking point). Still, Grisham devotees should be satisfied, even if this is one of his lesser works.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

What are you reading right now and is it any good???

Rocker dude

2009-06-15T16:11:00.003+10:00

Damn straight he liked it! (the shirt from THIS POST); He cuddled it and became teary when he saw it. Bless!

Yes I know I was supposed to wait til his birthday but I suck at waiting. Excuse the purple shirt under it but I insisted he be warm!!!! Even I have limits to my level of hip-ness, mothering won out on that one I'm afraid!

A crisis of (self) confidence

2009-06-14T07:27:00.002+10:00

Maybe its a post-birth thing, maybe it is partly the result of stress, but maybe its a much bigger thing too. Actually, if I am honest with myself, it has been worsening for a long time now, this whole self esteem thing.

I think that most people have issues with their self esteem to some degree, internally or externally, and the more I think about it, the sadder I think it is. Why do we depend so heavily on external validation??? Why is it never enough for us to say "well, I think I'm okay!" Why do we care so much? I know that we have the image of perfection slammed at us from so many angles in popular culture etc.. but even so, most of us know that that kind of true perfection is unattainable for most of us, so why do we beat ourselves up over it?

Likewise the way we often take someone elses confidence or intelligence, choices or thoughts as criticisms of ourselves and our decisions, simply because they are different. It doesn't mean we are wrong, just different! And that is actually a good thing! Healthy debate, confidence in your own beliefs and choices is a great thing.

At the same time, I think its important to better ourselves. Acknowledge our weaknesses and commit to changing that which we don't like. If we are unhappy, try to fix it - but the key is to feel that is enough, trying is the important bit, surely. To feel that change is coming, I think that has to help? I recently decided for myself, to 'fake it until i make it' - so okay, I am not happy with myself right now, but I am working on that, and until I am happy, pretend that I am the me I see, the me I want, and feel the confidence that would come with that, even if I am not there yet. Because the more confident I feel, the happier I will be and it will become true confidence. Not fake. If I feel it, I will exude it, which will make it genuine. Does this make sense?!

Being comfortable in our own skin, or in our own minds, is not an easy thing. Its challenging, and at times it is confronting. We all have days we hate the mirror, we all have days we wish we could behave differently, but maybe our faults are the key to our true selves too. Maybe they are what make us us, and maybe its okay to accept them too. To a degree. Hmm.

I hate this kinda self-help style crap, but honestly, there has to be a way to change this stuff without the corn! I just haven't found it yet (except to say I love my sarcastic bitchiness so no esteem issues there :P )

What are your insights? Have you worked on self esteem issues? Have you learned to love you for you? How did you do so?

Blog block...

2009-06-13T12:00:00.003+10:00

teehee! Okay so not going to happen here with my shrivelled eggs but still... I do have blog block, as opposed to writers block which I don't have but that's really more of a time issue thing...

Bloggy Blog Blogs

2009-06-06T14:24:00.003+10:00

Got my set to the side I read often, but need some more, preferable writing based. Oh the writing. Someone please motivate me. I really want to extend the research creative element I wrote for masters to full length, there is loads of room for it, and all that stops me is discipline. Not my forte generally speaking though I do get things done eventually... Well, that and a baby. So blogs about motivation, writing, that kinda stuff. Writing about writing. Maybe if I read that others actually work I might consider doing it too. Maybe. If not, it will be a great new way to procrastinate :D

Mum

2009-06-03T19:10:00.005+10:00

I don't blog a great deal about Mums breast cancer because its a fairly private thing, and she is very private also. But without going into details, it has been hard in lots of ways. Mum had a tough week this past week, so it was extremely gratifying to have a great old chat yesterday and really tap into where she was at, how she was feeling and feel as though as much as possible - I really understood and was able to convey that and make her feel understood.

In my own experience, that is fairly invaluable, when someone can truly "get it" and know where you are at, and right when you feel completely alone you suddenly see you are not. It can often save you. It often saved me - and my experiences are nowhere near that intense as hers are right now. Has that ever happened to you?

She and I are very close, she is the one who knows EVERYTHING about me. I can talk to her about anything and everything, things I cannot and would not talk to no one else in the world about, she hears! I am so lucky to have that, and it was really nice for me to be able to feel that maybe for once I could do that in return for her too. The woman is absolutely amazing. Honestly, the strength (cliche, I know, I am wincing even writing it) but really, its impressive stuff.

Halfway through the chemo now, then radiotherapy. After that, cancer can fuck right off for good.

Rock star party

2009-06-02T11:17:00.000+10:00

T-2months and counting until F's 6th birthday extraordinaire. As discussed EARLIER, he wants to have a Greenday party. I like to be super organised and I often mail order stuff so I am thinking ahead now...

PLEASE if you have any great party planning sites that can sell me some kick arse rockstar party type stuff - preferably Australian sites - please link me to them ASAP! I found vinyl record decorations but F looked understandably baffled by them.

He wants posters/pics of the boys, especially BillieJoe around the place he has instructed, and I am thinking guitar cake... But I still need more decorations, favours, other thematic punkrock, Greenday decorations/goods/ideas. I am not the worlds greatest party thrower but if I am organised enough early enough I can usually source some cool stuff to get away with a cool enough party to keep him happy. So, HELP PLEASE! :D

Vampires and Werewolves and PITA chicks

2009-06-01T12:36:00.004+10:00

The trailer for New Moon.

So, the Twilight thing. I have mentioned it before in my books post HERE, but just on it, I was not a huge fan. IMO, it is fairly poorly written, but then maybe i just forget it is meant for a teen audience predominantly. It is almost ridiculously unbelievable in some places (Breaking Dawn especially) - but I was still suckered in! I resisted for so long... Curiosity got the best of me.

The protagonist, Bella, does my head in. She is annoying. Clumsy. Doofus. Needy. And the actress portraying her annoys me as much. So I guess... well cast?!

Jasper, in the movie, is SO Edward Scissorhands-ish its weird. I wonder if he modelled himself on Edward? The scissorhands one. Not the vampire. Okay thats confusing.

The guy playing Jake is the only actor playing his age (okay thats a generalisation I don't actually know that but its a guess).

It all annoys me! So WHY have I still on some level, enjoyed it, and why am I still looking forward to the new movie?! It truly perplexes my small little brain. Whats up with that?!

*PITA = Pain In The Arse (for those not familiar with my weird acronyms!)

Dinner time?

2009-05-31T17:21:00.007+10:00

So I asked you your top ten songs and what books I ought to add to my must read list, now I want to know what is for dinner tonight? I need inspiration! Since RJ was born, it has been easy to rely on meal bases and easy to throw together meals. This is great, but I feel like cooking... so inspire me. What is for dinner at yours tonight, or what is your favourite meal to make?

Failing that, whats for dessert?!

5yo emo kid gonna rock on...

2009-05-29T09:55:00.000+10:00

I just got F this:

From this site (< that's clickable). How much is he gonna love it?!

Infertility Flashback of a good kind

2009-05-28T11:30:00.005+10:00

You know whats REALLY nice? I had some visits to this blog this week via Lost & Found. 6 months (almost) on from my IVF babe being born, and they still keep an eye on my blog and mentioned my masters completion. It would be easy to slide me out under the door now that I am no longer IVFing, or dealing with that hell any longer, but they don't.

That made my day. For my infertility blog reading mates who have not heard of it , Lost and Found is the most amazing thing in the internet world of infertility. Seriously. It is a HUGE blogroll of every kind of diagnosis and treatment regime imaginable, of every post/pre/during infert everything all sorted in pretty categories so that you can easily find people in your same boat. Not only that, they have people assigned to go about clicking on every blog in every category to ensure tabs are kept on where you are at and that at low points, or high points, of points of any mention - a link goes into a daily newsletter that gets sent out to everyone subsribed and they come cheer you up, congratulate or commiserate with you... it is fan freaking tastic. You are NEVER alone with that hell EVER again. Kick arse.

ETA my links dont look clickable, L&F is here: http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/ that is clickable!

Here 'tis.

2009-05-27T18:56:00.006+10:00

'Nuff said!

Masters = Done!

2009-05-25T16:13:00.004+10:00

Ka loo Ka lay! Its finished, done, dusted. All that is left is to print and bind and post and masters is SUBMITTED. Ohhh the relief!

So it was late, I am so proud that I got it done through IVF, an IVF pregnancy, birth, newborn and Mums diagnosis and treatment... I STILL got the fucker done. I am going to do my head in for a few weeks now waiting for a mark. Honestly, if I just pass I will be stoked. I think I will. But then, I am actually unsure if and how I will be penalised for the lateness so we'll see I suppose!

I came up with a name for the fiction that I am happy with, and I think it is only fitting it is also an album name (TTP of course!) given the hours of music that I listened to writing. I am so over looking at it so i am just going to do one final read through then print!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My emo 5yo is also kinda funny

2009-05-24T14:20:00.006+10:00

My son cracks me up, where does he get some of his corkers from?! Yesterday we were watching an ad on tv for a mobile phone company and it mentioned free twitter access. Finn says to me, "you use twitter Mum I saw it on your computer. If you use twitter, does that make youuuuu... a twit?"

Erm. Yes, quite probably babe...

My favourite was when I was pregnant and J was telling him how amazing pregnancy was and he said to F "carrying a baby is the most special thing you can do!" F thought about it a minute and then replied with this gem - "Yeah... except for having a sausage sizzle at my school!"

Well, yes I suppose that IS quite a but more miracuolous than growing and sustaining HUMAN LIFE within your OWN BODY. Geez Kiddo!!!!!

He is so fickle as well, he thinks nothing of telling J or I that he loves the other more. Depending on current mood of course. He watches for the reactions too, the flicker of hurt on his parents face when he delivers the blow that he loves the other more today. I suspect he likes to experiment a little with human emotions and reactions, a little like his psych major mother, only more cruel...

He has his entire future mapped out. On weekdays he is going to be a teacher - possibly instructing on how to build fire engines but this is still being debated - On Saturdays he is going to be in a band like Greenday to perform and write songs. On Sundays he will be an astronaut. I said he would be so busy, and asked when I would get to see him and he said "Oh I will still come home sometimes. You know, for supper and stuff..."

He already practices the rockstar thing with true fervor, he has written songs this weekend called 'Life as a Farmer' ("you might love it but you might get siiiiiiiick of it!") and '4 different words' ("talkin about it!" - thats only 3 but thats simply ironic right!?). He performs them wearing a cowboy hat and singing into a stick. The kid rocks hard.

Honestly, all I can do is watch him with a gobsmacked look on my face somedays, the character he shows is just hilarious. I can hear him now, bossing his father around and telling him that he is not listening properly, and if he keeps it up he will go to his room (which F says is not our bedroom, thats mine alone apparently, J has been informed his room is the laundry). He is going to be such a handful as a teenager. And as an adult as well no doubt.

So long as I get to see my Teacher/Rockstar/Astronaut for supper and stuff.

My 10 favourite songs

2009-05-22T17:24:00.003+10:00

Admittedly, I stole this from Wil Anderson's blog, but it is no easy task! Some of them are given's, but some were tricky and I bet I forgot heaps that I will later kick myself about. So what are YOUR all time ten favourite songs?!

1. Soulbreaking by The Tea Party
It just does something weird to me. It gets in my head and it connects to my soul. I know I sound freaky, I can't explain it!

2. Before the Lobotomy - Greenday
Okay so this is not actually really already in my top ten but I couldn't pick from so much GreenDay and this is my current fave so...

3. Waltz #2 - Elliot Smith
This one just has special meaning to me, and I adored Elliot Smith.

4. The Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley
Yes I know its stereotypical but at least I didn;t put Hallelujah down.

5. Rearviewmirror - Pearl Jam
because it ROCKS HARD.

6. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd.
Admittedly, the first time I felt this deserved a high ranking in it's message I was possibly high, but the feeling remains...

7. Forever - Vertical Horizon
This one is another with special meaning, it makes me think about my son and I and our freaky connection thing.

8. Imagine - John Lennon
Needs no explanation, just a bloody good song.

9. Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
The world really IS a vampire AND despite all my rage I am still just a rat in cage. Am I what!

10. Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine
Like Wil, it is the anger in this one that I love. I love anger. I loooove this song.

Ahh so many exclusions... killer.

Recommend me a book...

2009-05-22T11:53:00.004+10:00

I am almost out of reading matter, this is a dangerous place for a book nerd to be. Please recommend me something to read. I will read almost anything if its a good enough tale! Fiction or non fiction, all welcome...

I am just finishing the Twilight series, I wanted to know what the fuss is about, I enjoyed the story, sort of, but its crap writing (IMO!) and the protagonists are mostly pains in the arse. But, I gave it a go, see what the fuss was, but.. meh.

I have just ordered The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne, one I have been wanting to read for aaaaages. Movies make me read as I refuse to see movies if I have not read the book first, the book is always better.

So what are you reading and whats the review? Help me out!

Exegesis is not an exegesis

2009-05-21T13:24:00.002+10:00

How can I find a style guide on writing my exegesis when technically an exegesis is a bible essay thing? Why does my unit call it an exegesis then? And if it isn't actually an exegesis, what is it? It is not an essay if sub headings have been recommended. Is it a report? It doesn't contain data though. What the hell???!!!

Thinking about Mum

2009-05-20T10:06:00.004+10:00

Today is Mums second chemo, does anyone know, is she likely to respond similarly to the previous one, or will there be like an accumulated effect and make it worse? Also, (and I should get these answers from the oncologist later anyway) but, could it be the Doxorubicin causing her pain in the chest around the heart kinda? I refuse to google this for fear of possible dodgy results. I should be patient and ask the experts shouldn't I?

I am feeling a little less affected by today than I was her previous session, but I admit I can think of little else right now than to think of her and where she is right now. I am trying but I can't focus on other things for very long. I did get that fiction finished last night, massive achievement. Only got the essay to revise (which will be a lot of work!) but then masters is done and I just have to wait and hope I pass.

Hmm. Focus lost again. I might try again later!

Masters Hell

2009-05-19T10:34:00.003+10:00

I am sure it exists, and I am well mired in it. The masters hell. Where sleepless students sit screaming in agony and endless reams of empty pages torment souls.

How overdue is my masters you ask? ONE ENTIRE YEAR LATE. I am so bloody grateful and lucky that my supervisor is an empathetic, kind person who understood the pregnancy/newborn havoc and has given me a final chance to get the sucker done.

I want this, I remind myself daily, I chose this, and remember the vision of claiming that degree at graduation, of holding a masters degree. I want this. So why am I blogging and not revising???

I have one final set of revisions to make, both to the fiction element and to the exegesis, the fiction reviews are not too bad actually, and ought to be complete by the days end, but the essay needs hours and hours of work and research still to be passable.

I want this done by months end, if I can get the fiction done today, then that leaves 11 days to complete the exegesis, surely that is more than achievable? Then christ please get me OFF here and back to work so that I may leave masters hell forever... Or at least for two years because I really think I am addicted to study.

Yes, I am a nerd; out and proud too!

My 5 year old is a teenager

2009-05-17T09:18:00.004+10:00

We finally went to visit my Mum yesterday, myself and the kidlets. She was so happy to see them after so long, and me too, and F was pretty accepting of her new look with the hat thing going on. He commented it was different but then moved on, and when we got home he was telling J and said 'do you know why?! tell him mum!!" and was all quite interested in it all but not upset which is great.

He decided he was going to play a game there, set up a party and off he went laying things out for a party, Nanny found him some party hats and poppers and such and then he calls us all together and says: "right! now, we are going to play a game, it's called 'spin the bottle' and if the bottle points at you, you have to go in a closet for 2 whole minutes!"

Cue 3 very gobsmacked faces.

"Um.. okay..." I say... "What on earth?"

"Actually," he goes on, "we might make it the study and then the people in there can read books, send emails, look at photos and all that kind of stuff, so make sure the bottle points at me a few times because I would like to do that!"

PMSL. After much thought, I recalled where this came from, he insists we remain on ABC past rollercoaster, and watch these 2 otehr shows, roman mysteries and the culprit here - Naturally Sadie. Perhaps I ought to more carefully monitor his viewing, though it is harmless really.

So, to recap, a 5yo emo who wants a blue mohawk, black fingernails and to play spin the bottle. Yep, I am a GREAT parent. :S

P.S. Happy Birthday, Kate xx

Greenday - 21st Century Breakdown

2009-05-15T12:57:00.001+10:00

Today is a day I have been waiting for for 5 long years!!! The new Greenday album, 21st Century Breakdown has been released. Was a big act to follow - American Idiot was awesome - and huge.
Reckon they have done it though. I am only on my second listening but there is heaps to explore on it, and I loooooove that they have done it similar to American Idiot and its story of St Jimmy, this one is about Gloria and Christian and similarly to the formula of AI it has "acts" as well (Heroes and Cons, Charlatans and Saints, Horseshoes and Handgrenades); and has loads of rock, and some fantastic slower stuff too.

Initial favourites for me (aside from Know Your Enemy which I have listened to death the past few weeks!) are 21st century breakdown, peacemaker, 21 guns, East Jesus Nowhere, American Eulogy and See the Light.

I can't wait for F to get home and listen, and there is a special on Channel V at 4pm we want to watch, lol. He is Greenday mad, yesterday on the way home from school he said he wanted a birthday party at home again. "We'll see" was my response whilst thinking no freakin WAY too much work, did that last year! Then he said "I want it to be a Greenday party mum!!" Well now ya talking son, you bet your arse we can do that, rofl. Coolest 6th birthday party EVER. Alissa suggested invites written on cd's, guitar cake, backstage passes on lanyards for all the kids... Cool no!?

I am so worried their concert will be 18+ only, they are rumoured to be touring Dec-Feb ish, and Finn is desperate to go, as am I! Mind you, I did tell him if it was for grown ups only, I would take him and we would sit outside and listen. Obviously, we are not wanting moshpit tix but back in the stands rocking out with my 6yo who would no doubt have his blue mohawk as he often does... cool. Actually the other day as well as wanting to grow a mohawk that he colors bluw with blue gel, I caught him coloring his fingernails in with black texta. I have a 5 year old emo kid. Seriously. teehee. He saw these things on the Greenday DVD (Bible with a bullet) and emulates it all, wnts to BE Billie Joe Armstrong! He plays games with toys where he sets up these toy soldiers as BJA, Tre Cool and Mike Dirnt and holds a concert. Cutest thing ever.

So rock on people, very happy house here today, loving new GD!

My #1 TV hero... Stewie Griffin.

2009-05-15T10:58:00.003+10:00

The little psycho freak is the BEST. The wit, the sarcasm, the acid smart arsedness... I aspire to be Stewie Griffin. The hate that he has for Lois is my hate for well.. most of the general world lately really. I know, I am a bitch, get over it.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Stewie (after tripping Peter): Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it.

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? (Smashes breakfast into wall.) Make it again!!

(Lois picks Stewie up and puts him in the baby carrier she's wearing) Put me down, you lazy skank!!

Ahhh so incredibly WRONG, political incorrectness at it's best. Stewie, I salute you!!!!

Body art - help!

2009-05-14T11:29:00.006+10:00

Over the years I have given vague thought to inking myself up, but have never truly been keen and never really pursued the thought beyond vague ideas. But the one tattoo I did consider has grown and grown on me and I suddenly have a very strong desire to get it done.

I want it on my inner right wrist, and perhaps unsurprisingly given my bloggyness, I want it to be a cherry blossom branch, with either the word Natsukashii, the kanji for natsukashii or both.

These are designs of cherry blossom tatts I do like:

first design

second design

third design

(My finalised and inked tattoo can be seen here )

Only obviously smaller and wrist appropriate! You can read about my fascination with cherry blossoms and the word natuskashii in my blog entry from way back HERE. I had forgotten that even then the tattoo idea was brewing, well, you can't say I have not given it due thought!

If you can design art and want to have a go at a tatt design for me, PLEASE do so, but don't be offended if I don't ink it, it has to be perfect!!!

My #2 TV hero... Karen Walker.

2009-05-14T10:24:00.003+10:00

Honey, what's that? What's going on? What's happening?

She is such a bitch, so cold, yet so freaking funny. Sarcasm is an understatement. She is the Queen. Wiki says - Karen has been described by Grace Adler as "a spoiled, shrill, gold-digging socialite who would sooner chew off her own foot than do an honest days work", and this statement just about surmises the character's personality. She is also a promiscuous borderline alcoholic with an often tenuous grip on reality and very few morals. She is good friends with Will Truman’s equally narcissistic best friend Jack McFarland.

Karen: You know what those rocks need? A little scotch.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!

Karen: Sorry, fruit, you're out of the loop.

LOL

Grace: Karen...I wanna ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.

Karen: Oh, honey. That makes me feel bad, try me!

Grace: Ok. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?

Karen: No. No, honey! That just means that people like having sex with Nathan and they don't like having sex with you!

Grace: I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.

Karen: Oh relax, honey I didn't mean it like that, of course I didn't! Listen to me! I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, ok?

I am that sensitive!!!

Karen: Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower, letting his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter.

About my understanding of it all as well...

And finally, my favourite Karen quote:

Karen: Vodka, it's not just a breakfast drink anymore.

Tomorrow meet my #1 TV hero...

Hippy style Parenting stuff

2009-05-13T09:38:00.005+10:00

Controversial? ME?!

Okay so I used to consider myself a little bit hippy, I was into the breastfeeding co sleeping nocry sleep stuff. I still am, truth be told. With RJ, I have been unable to feed past 4.5 months which hurts like hell, and cosleeping has eased off as well as a result, the no cry stuff still happens now shes happier and we can do so.

BUT.

Some of the really crunchy shit gets my goat. For instance, a friend of mine recently posted a link to this thing on 'birth trauma,' - seriously?! My understanding is that some are so upset at not getting the birth the way they wanted that its warranting the term 'trauma' - and mostly its because the medical profession got involved.

Now I don't get it. I can understand the word disappointment being appropriate here, but trauma?! Come on... if the worst trauma you experience in life is not getting to birth your kid the way you prefer then life is pretty rosy for you! The baby is here, healthy, you're alive, you are all well, suck it up!!! Focus on THAT not on sooking that its not how you wanted. Well, F wanted ice cream for breakfast and he didnt get it but hes over it. I just think, how can it be THAT big a deal!?

I am upset that I can no longer feed RJ, disappointed, angry, sad... but TRAUMATISED? no. I am traumatised by Mums illness. People are traumatised by serious crimes. Perspective?! Geez....

And what pisses me off further is this whole anti medical intervention crap, and the rude, insulting names that doctors are often called for intervening when it is not the patients first choice. If they did not and your baby DIED, would you then be angry they did not or glad you got your way? I don't honestly understand. And if you are unwell, who are you going to go to? Medical staff no doubt, and they will be a hero if they catch your cancer in time, or save your babes life yes? But intervening in your birth makes them monsters worthy of abuse.

Beats the hell out of me. Is it just me that doesn't get it!? Please explain!!!!! I am open to learning and understanding on this. Teach me if you think you can!

Ramble ramble...

2009-05-13T09:19:00.004+10:00

I have had a rough few days but I feel more in control again today. Mum is beginning to lose her hair the past few days, and is understandably pretty upset about it, I can't get my head around it, it is sure to be confronting and make denial difficult, it is all so very unreal, I can't quite grip the idea. It was difficult to explain to F, he is only 5, why Nanny will be bald. I said tat sometimes he hates his yucky medicine, but it makes him better so he has to have it and explained that was sort of how it was with nanny and that it also makes her hair fall out. He seemed to accept that and said it would be strange if she is bald and she might look like a man! True enough, she may mate! I prepare him that way so it is not a shock when he sees her is the idea.
She had cut it short, but has now shaved it shorter again but is unsure how long what is there will remain. She intends to be a hat wearer extraordinaire now.

F himself is home unwell today, puffy eye, bumped noggin and sore ear all unrelated, all in a week. Not good! RJ is well and snoring at the moment - due to wake any moment and I will be off again.

I am hiding from my masters, though it is staring me in the face, mocking me, begging for me to work on it, I foresee an all nighter on the horizon. WHY did I have to try and write 'literature' when popular fiction is so much more my style?! It is painful to try and do this, when I have just read the pile of shite that is the twilight phenomenon, the writing in that is really pretty shabby, yet she is rolling in it now. I could do that!!! Just need the discipline really.

My cough is getting better slowly, the sooner it is the sooner I can go visit Mum, hurrah!

J is good and working hard to keep the rest of us sane and well, poor bugger!

I feel lost.

A boot in the butt

2009-05-10T16:26:00.002+10:00

It is so strange, I received a comment on my blog last night and only yesterday I had it sitting open thinking I really ought to get back into blogging... so thank you Bec!!!

How are things.. god. life is shitful in many ways to be totally honest :( I feel very sad mostly at the moment. Firstly, Mum is undergoing chemotherapy, she has had one lot and is about to be tested (cell count) to see of round 2 can commence as scheduled or if she needs to put it off a little. The hardest part of this FOR ME, has been that I have not seen her since a week before her first hit as I have been sick for a week, this is killing me, I have this NEED to see her to know she is ok, photo today didnt help much honestly though she is trying to ease my mind, I need to see her and god do I miss her. I have spent the past week with gastro followed by a cold followed by a chest infection and because of her low immunity it is too dangerous to see her :( Its killing me. She is going okay, feeling better each day at the moment, but this is fucked. Cancer is fucked. I miss my Mum, and cannot see her for mothers day, thats fucked.

RJ is a new happy amazing baby, she was so much ahrd work for so long - until I realised the stress of everything with mum was drying my milk and she was hungry, once on formula she is a new baby but honestly, I literally cannot stop and think about that for more than 5 seconds as it devastates me. I love feeding, and did Finn 10 months and this time was like oh 12m easy, cant wait! No need to stop for clomid or so on! And instead 4.5 months. I am devastated, i really cant think about it or i get panic and upset.

Moving on.

She is happy and discovering everything at the moment, rolls over and reaches for everything including her feet lol, and loves the sound of her screeching voice so practices that as well, too cute. I am enjoying the new happier, settled babe :)

Finn is great, 5 and blitzing at school, assessment showed he is reading at 7yo level but needing a boost with maths, so much his mother! But he is happy and well.

Masters I have one more review of each section to do and once final edits are made I will submit and FINALLY be finished. This MUST be done by months end in my opinion... Over it so the sooner the better.

So.. its rough, stuff is rough, but my little unit pulls together and J has been amazing and we plug on.

Sorry...

2009-04-06T09:36:00.002+10:00

Been ages between entries. So Miss RJ is here and is the devil in disguise... Finn was such an easy baby by comparison. Shes a bit of a bugger, lucky she is cute! She also has my big blue eyes, though hers are almost violet, very pretty. She sleeps not so well during the day but ok at night is the main thing.. she cried. A lot. Screams, even. Finn never did so thats a shock... lol. All good though.

Finns a gem still, honestly, no wonder i wanted more kids with him - he is magic. Smart, sensitive, sweet, funny and adoring of his mum - what more could I want?! He is just brightness that boy!

Been a tough time of it lately. Her carry on, finishing a now very overdue masters, and my Mum diagnosed with breast cancer. Ive never been so stressed or highly strung ever, not even during all the infertility stuff. This is hell lately. We'll get there though, we've no other choice. Strong!!! Ill be strong, I AM strong. And so is my Mum :)

Birth story

2009-01-30T09:14:00.001+11:00

Throughout Friday night I slept as usual but was aware of some painful braxton hicks type contractions. I had had these before and it all fizzled to nothing, so thought nothing of it. They sort of hung around Saturday morning, and in the back of my mind I thought I had best keep an eye on them, but there was nothing obvious happening.

It was Finns Wiggles concert day (and Js birthday!) that he looks forward to ALL year, I was so worried I would go into labour during in it and have trouble getting to J and not ruining things for Finn. Was a major stress for weeks for me. I got my sister to come and spend the afternoon with me while the boys were gone so at least I wouldn't be alone should something happen!

She arrived soon after they left and we sat watching comedy shows on foxtel, eating yummy dip and bickies and giggling like sisters can! Was a good afternoon but as it wore on, the contractions became stronger and I was now cringing through them. They were irregular though, some 15 minutes apart, some 20 and some 30 and were short in length about 15-20 seconds mostly. So I was debating if I was in labour at all or prelabour and not entirely sure what was happening. It was a wait and see situation! My sister was nervous we'd end up having to do the logistical nightmare thing of finding Josh and so on.. but they just were not obvious enough to me, though I guess deep down I knew it was a bit different. I think I didnt want to get my hopes up though!

At about 6pm, J called to say they were grabbing dinner and were about 30 minutes away. Finn jumped on the phone to tell me that Anthony had come and said hello to them at the concert �€“ Anthony is Finns favourite wiggle so this was a HUGE deal but Finn told me it was his LEAST favourite part of the concert. LOL. A bit overwhelming for him I think!!! So I sent my sister on her way home and just as the boys got home, I had a show.

I said to Josh, I think this is it... And we sat down to eat. I got halfway through and thought no.. feel sick... so I called the hospital and said we're an hour away, when should I come in? Midwife said when contractions are 8 minutes apart. Mine were still 20 minutes apart then, so I called Mum and let her know things were moving and could she leave now to come and be with Finn please. She was aware I had been having contractions so was ready to leave, she is an hour away. By now it was 7pm.

Somewhere in the next 30 minutes, it all took off at a seriously breakneck speed. I went from cringe worthy, 20 minute apart contractions to toe curling really groan through 7 minutes apart contractions almost instantly. We called Dad to ask when Mum had left and he said only 5-10 minutes ago and we panicked. No way we could wait an hour for her, so we called the ever reliable heroine of the story �€“ Megan to the rescue. She dropped everything and came over in 20 minutes flat and we bolted out the door, contractions now 5-6 minutes apart and REALLY painful.I think it was really considerate that RJ waited until the boys were home from Finns special afternoon and then went for it the second they walked in the door!

I was gripping the handle of the car (the one thats at the top of the door?!) with full strength and pretty much screaming through every contraction and J was driving at 140kms an hour in pissing down rain �€“ both of us pretty much shitting ourselves now... By the time we were about 20 minutes into our 50 minute trip to the hospital I was screaming that I needed to push and he had to pull over and call an ambulance. So poor J had the mobile out swearing at it to work whilst driving in that rain �€“ too fast �€“ and looking for somewhere to stop. We were 2 minutes from the big BP/rest stop at Calder Park Raceway so we pulled in there and the ambulance was ordered. The 000 operator stayed with Josh on the phone until the ambulance arrived. Not sure how long it took but it felt like years. I was absolutely screaming every contraction and J was helping me breathe and relaying everything to the 000 operator who made him check each time if he could see the baby coming. Poor Josh. Everytime he looked with panic terrified he would see baby and need to deliver her but he didn't! His quote about that time is - what I have seen can never be unseen... - I have empathy, it was not pretty down there! My waters had broken at that point too - I was on a towel thank god! One that is now burned and gone never again to be seen or used... shudder...

The operator was getting him to find something to wrap the baby in if it came and telling me it was okay to push etc. I cant erase from my mind, the look on Joshs face throughout that wait - just a mix of sheer terror, stress, anxiety, fear... all of it. Just horrible. It really was scary.

Eventually he said to me I can see the ambulance lights, theyre coming... I was just saying I cant do this it hurts too much!!! And crying and screaming through every pain. I was not brave, not even a bit. I was so pissed off that I was nowhere near an epidural its not funny. J was great though, coaching me and encouraging me through each pain - Id say they were 3min apart then.

Most humiliating moment of my life was going from car to ambulance bed, naked in the middle of a busy BP/Maccas reststop. Take a bow Kell, everyone can see your bits. Charming!! Actually ambos were quick at covering me and I didnt give a rats arse because I was hurting too badly.

Ambulance was off and the only difference now was I was had happy gas - the green whistle! - im not sure it did much but it gave me a focus each contraction anyway. I swear it took YEARS to get to the hospital. I was swearing and the ambo was saying just pant. I was saying I CANT *^%$ING PANT I HAVE TO PUSH!!! He was quite unphased. laugh.gif

I just kept screaming and moaning through the pains and pushing because I had no choice, I had to push, it was overwhelming. Im sure they thought I was such a weakling but oh my lord did it hurt!!!! I heard the guy in the back with me say to the driver 'pull in here at emergency' and I thought he meant pull over because baby was coming out because I could feel the burning and change in the feel of the pain and knew it was about to happen. What he actually was saying was that we had reached the hospital and were pulling into the emergency department! Right as we were pulling in, RJ came sliding out and the paramedic caught her.

We stopped and I was just laying there wanting to know where J was and hoping he was right behind but he had lost the ambulance (they were flying by then through red lights etc). So I didnt see him for another 15-20 minutes. The midwives appeared at the ambulance bay since the paramedic had radioed ahead that we were coming. They cut the cord and RJ had cried almost immediately and was put on my chest. I vaguely remember asking if she was a girl and being told she was. I was laying there half out of it, saying silly things like 'i cant believe I just did that. Doesnt this only happen on tv?!' I dont think anyone even answered me, I was just so overwhelmed and shocked. I started to get the shakes about then.

They wheeled us in to a labour ward and tagged me and babe and reminded me I still had to deliver the placenta which I did soon after without drama. J came flying in all wild eyed but excited and got to have a cuddle with his new daughter and stealer of his birthday! He said he had passed the paramedics as he came in and he knew from his bouncing step and beaming face that she had arrived on route, LOL. He wasnt too upset at having missed her arrival, was grateful I think, that we had made the right call and gotten them in. Too close for comfort that he almost had to do it himself.

I was checked for tearing etc but was all fine, no stitches needed, and aside from the shaking (shock) was fine and needed no attention at all, as was Rory-Jane. She fed like a champion and we elected to go home the next morning asap. At one point, at about midnight, J and I looked at each other, our faces must have reflected the others same state of mind, just stunned and overwhelmed. J said its just not in sync, my head feels all odd. I said its because it was all so fast, our brains are still catching up! It was a weird feeling for sure. We called a few people, my poor Mum.. rofl... I called her about ten and said umm.. shes here.. Mum was like ALREADY?! I said yes.. back of an ambulance.. poor mum was most confused and shocked!

The hospital staff loved the story, RJ became the ambulance baby, and apparently the ambos were excited to have been involved in something positive and a genuine emergency for once. Was a big night for everyone!!!! She weighed 8.035 pound or 3728g (Finn was 3330g at 2 weeks earlier gestation).

We are both doing well, afterpains are a bitch, but she feeds well and Finn is absolutely besotted with her. He goes and chats to her while shes asleep and holds her little hand and each time her fingers do that baby grip on his hand, his little face lights up and he grins and says 'she wants to hold my hand!!' I overheard him telling her how happy he was to finally have another kid in his family. Precious... and last night he got upset at bedtime because he wanted to stay with her. I was reminding him she would be here in the morning... and every morning forever now!

For me, I cant believe I am sitting here babe asleep beside me at last. All that fighting, all that stubborness has paid off and we made it! Shes really there squawking and wriggling and snuffling. I cant believe it but god I am excited. I sent an sms to J when I woke up the day after she was born that said �€œI had forgotten how good this is... - its better than I remembered, hoped or dreamed. She was worth every single second of that hell, without a doubt. Yes im tired, sore and have no idea of some of the struggles that will be ahead, but there is no question I am so glad we did this!!!!!

38 weeks 4 days

2008-11-24T19:43:00.002+11:00

I know this is a very self indulgent post, but indulge me if you will!

I wanted to get some things out of my very overwhelmed brain and try to gain some fresh perspective and maybe even a sense of calm and readiness for the week(s) ahead.

Today, one year ago, we failed our first IVF cycle and my period came. It was, I felt, the start of the REAL end for us. I was sure that if 2 embryos in wouldn't take, and we had struggled to even get those - that we were in real trouble.

This journey started January 1st 2004. Finn was 5 months old and we realised that since he had taken 2 years and clomid to conceive, we would likely have problems again, and we wanted a close age gap, so we started trying naturally. When Finn was 10 months old, we were able to start clomid again as he had weaned. But, it was slow, with a bad Dr who made us jump through all the hoops again the long way, despite our history. Eventually, we recommenced clomid and I stubbornly stayed on it well passed the time I ought to have stopped because I was refusing to believe it wouldn't work when it had the first time eventually. At the end of 2004, I had this dream:

(I dreamed there was a little girl who was about 5 and she was telling me not to give up, that I had to keep going or she'd never exist. She was my daughter, and her name was Olivia (not even a name we had considered). I told her not to worry, and promised I'd keep trying, and knew I had to now because otherwise she wouldn't be! And that just wasn't possible!)

- which at the time felt REALLY prophetic. Over time, I gave up on it, which hurt a lot.

Meanwhile, we had moved away and to Melbourne so a new doctor had to be found. We then started IUI treatment, and this was now 18 months of trying. We did 2 IUIs, both failed, one on Christmas eve of 2005 - a hard christmas for both J and I.

We wanted to try again but I was struggling badly with the emotion of treatment and having to drag a 2 year old Finn along to all the appointments and have him see me cry all the time with disappointment and frustration. The clinic was across the city and everything was difficult.

We decided we had had enough. Too much had gone to SO much trouble and effort for a child that it seemed would never exist, when the one we had was missing out on having all of us. So we made the excrutiating decision to end treatment and accept the end of our family.

The guilt, depression and horror of the next 18 months was beyond description. Honestly, it was literally the worst grief and pain I have ever felt. I was in a very dark and terrifying place. I lashed out at the world all the time and th ache was out of this world. I felt like I had killed that "Olivia" from my dream, that even though she had pleaded with me not to give up on her, I had, and as a result, she would now never exist. I had guilt for that, guilt at depriving Finn of a sibling, and anger the depths of which scared me. It was hell, pure hell.

After a while, i found some light, and started to find new things to fill my life. Writing, study, and rediscovering ME for ME. In September of 2007, our nephew was born which prompted an out of the blue discussion between J and I. Up until then, we had stopped speaking about it (aside from the times he would find me off having a cry over it sometimes when I discovered a reminder of my longing like Finns ultrasound photo or something).

Out of nowhere, we decided to return to treatment and this time, we refused to be stuffed around. Within a week we had an appointment at Melbourne IVF with a new fertility specialist, who immediately recommended we head directly to IVF and start immediately. It was a whirlwind, and we were excited to be back again, if not extremely scared... We felt IVF had to overcome all our issues and although taken aback to discover we would also be needing ICSI, hopeful for our chances.

First cycle we got 11 eggs, but only 2 embryos of low and average quality. Our second cycle we understimmed and had to be cancelled. We didn;t even get to retrieval and I was devastated. What had we gone back to? How difficult was this going to be, this was supposed to be the solution! I didn't expect it to be so hard, I must admit. And I didn;t realise until I endured it, how bloody hard an IVF cycle is to go through. I thought I knew, given all my years in the infertility world, but it was far harder. Our 3rd cycle we had 22 eggs retrieved and my mild/average OHSS was painful and took me a good 2 weeks to recover from. From those 22 eggs, we again only ended up with TWO embryos. I was crushed. I was so shocked and scared of going through more fresh cycles. It was so hard for us to even get TWO! We had to risk OHSS and go hard just to get two! Because of the OHSS the doctors wanted us to freeze all or only return ONE embryo when I had really wanted both. I had to decide on the spot and cried the whole transfer of one above average (not excellent) quality embryo was put in, the average frozen for later use.

I was certain it didn't work but insisted on a better progesterone support just in case... Maybe that was the key for me. Whatever the case, at 10DPO I got a positive test. I had tried to wait until 11 days, but mid morning I was a mess and just had to be put out of my misery again. So, I tested. I was shaking like a leaf and called Michelle to scream at her that it was positive. Both of us were shocked I think!!!

I had 4 of my best friends in on it from that first test, Megs who arrived early the next morning with decent brand tests and helped me check them and watched with me as a second line appeared. Amy and Emma who would inspect photos of 453 wee tests via email and tell me I was not hallucinating.. The poor girls have put up with SOO many TMI emails these past months!!!

The shock of the positive bloods, the 6 week scan that showed that fluttering heartbeat... I was terrified for the first 19 weeks. I couldnt relax and enjoy it at all. I spent the whole time petrified. At 19 weeks when we had the scan and discovered a "95% likely" girl, was the same day that I started getting daily, definite movements and I was able to relax and start to enjoy it - and to shop!

To hear no so many times, to be told FAIL FAIL FAIL NEGATIVE NEGATIVE BLOOD BLOOD so so so many times over 4 years, to try to adjust to success is really difficult. I still have trouble believing shes in there.

Freakily, Megan pointed out that between me having that dream, where she was 5 years old, and her being born is almost EXACTLY 5 years. The age in the dream. So everyone was convinced it would be a girl! We didn't go with Olivia though, because I had tied too much pain and emotion to it over the years, and I think she understands that :)

I have just under 2 weeks until she is due to be born. I cannot believe that I made it. That after SO much, we are truly almost there. Shes almost in my arms. I cant stop crying writing this! Healing! We fought so hard, and so determinedly and we bloody did it. Our babe is almost here, our family is almost complete. Finn is beside himself and always wants to chat about her, what will she look like, when will she come, what will she be like... Hes so excited about being a big brother. Seeing that side of him, that I always wanted for him, is priceless. Seeing J doing this nesting thing this weekend (LOL) and being excited makes me get tears... And feeling her move, cherishing these last moments of pregnancy and knowing this is likely the last time I will be here, feeling this miracle... its overwhelming. Its amazing.

We've almost made it.

Tagged!

2008-11-08T18:26:00.002+11:00

The lovely Leila has tagged me!

1. It is your lucky day what are you going to do? If I am lucky, I am going to the races to place bets!!!

2. What was the game you played as a child that you almost always or always did win? No idea actually, probably not much... Yahtzee?!

3. You get to meet anyone from the past or present who will it be? John Paul Sartre

4. When you relax what is it that you do? Read and or write.

5. What is your favorite number? 7

6. What was the name of your favorite childhood toy? Annaleise, she was a lovely doll, I still have her but Finn drew on her face!

7. If you could name the next fashion fade/craze what would it be? Pfft. Trackys and comfy tshirts?

34 weeks 1 day

2008-10-24T11:38:00.003+11:00

Soooo sorry for my absence. I think its just plan lazy. my hard drive did fry though so I have lost a lot of stuff, personal and otherwise. (Kirsten, if you read this, I have lost the link to the writing thing, could you email me it please!?) Thank god I had just emailed my supervisor my latest draft of my masters thing, or that would have gone too. I still haven't finished. The fiction is getting close (though if I hear how cliched it is once more I am going to scream.. even though she is right!) but barely started the exegesis. I need to get cracking I know...

Pregnancy stuff is going well. Actually, its great, starting to waddle and feel sore and tired and so on but still enjoying it. Not sure how time has flown the way it has! Her room is ready and I am almost ready... now we wait! We had a 4d scan done - too cute. Will see if I have a pic...

Cute huh?!

Not much else going on, just plodding along with everything. its been a weird few months.