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NATSUKASHII

Happy 2nd Birthday, Rory-Jane.

Somehow, on Monday, you're two, my wubsy girl. You're growing up way too quickly, and every single moment is fascinating and magical. You're such a funny girl, with enormous personality.

You like to share my face creams, nail polish, and to have your hair brushed. Yet you play in the dirt, and roughhouse with the boys. You're so adaptable, so cruisy. Your favorite part of every day is school run. You love taking Finn to school and picking him up, and boy does the school love you. Teachers, parents, a myriad of children look at and comment on you adoringly. Several of Finns classmates endlessly seek hugs and waves from you, every day. And you willingly oblige. Like a royal on tour, you wave grandly, totally comfortable in the spotlight and attention. When you fell, and scraped your knees, you were SO proud of the scabs. You'd hoist your pant legs up for WEEKS after, and proudly show all and sundry, delighting in their indulgent cries of "Oh no!!!"

You mostly talk in babble still. Why use language when people pretty much get you everything you need and want without it, right? Somehow, yogurt is pronounced 'hala' and is your absolute favorite food. You loved the prawns we had for dinner, and there isn't much you'll refuse to eat.

When you are offered something that makes you happy, you pump your little fists in the air and shout, "Oh la!!!" (oh yeah!) It is hilarious. Naturally, the rest of us all say 'Oh la!!' now too, in moments of excitement.

You know that you're only allowed your dummy at night in bed, and you love to go and steal it from the cot during the day for a quick suck, then show me what you are doing, with mischief and cheek. You put it right back when asked, but you like to show me you're being rebellious first. Such a ratbag!

Recently, you have increasingly developed your sweet side. You'll walk by me, and stop to kiss my arm, or hug my legs. You adore your Mama, and often insist it is me that has your full attention, shunning all others. So fickle. lol. When you want someones attention, you will call them loudly and repeatedly, until you have it. "MAMA. MAMA. MAMA. MAMA." Often, you will grab my face in your hands and turn it to you, forcing me to pay attention if I am not quick enough for your liking. You crack me up. You know what you want, that's for sure. And you are fast learning how to get it!

You adore the puppy you got for your birthday. "DOH DOH!" you call, and make hooting noises to imitate a calling whistle. He is equally besotted with you, and if he is out of your sight, you wont relax until you find him again. I foresee a great friendship between you both for years to come. Perfect.

Still, above all, your favorite person in the world, is definitely your 'Ma'. This is what you call Finn. Ma. We eventually worked out, that you are saying "mine" - he is yours. You adore him. You mimic everything he does, everything he says, and you seek his attention and love constantly. He is so good to you. Patient, helpful, loving, and kind. No wonder you adore him so much. He shares his toys, snacks, and life with you, and you think he is your very own special friend. I guess that's exactly what he is. It is so beautiful for me to watch that sibling relationship blossom. There truly is nothing more special.

As for what you mean to me, baby girl, you save me. It's been a rough few years, and you and your brother are just so amazing, I cannot help but feel like the luckiest woman alive. My heart feels like it will explode with love. I wish that I could pause time, you are at such a precious, innocent, and sweet age. Sometimes at night if I am feeling sad or lonely, I look at your pictures and I can't help but grin.

I absolutely adore you. I can't tell you enough. You are pure sunshine, absolute radiant joy, and sheer delight.

"Hey, RJ... Guess what?"
"I loh loo"
"I love you too, beewee girl."

Happy Birthday, my beauty.

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows (Part 1) Review (NO SPOILERS)

Please note, I have tried hard to avoid any spoilers in the review, please keep it the same in any comments!

I went and saw the movie this morning, with my Mum. I have seen the previous installments, and was keen to see the first part of the finale to the series. I am a big fan of the books (and books are always better than the movies!) but I promise to keep that bias aside in the review, and just keep to it as a movie...

The overall impression that I got, was that this was way too bloody long. 3 hours, for part 1. So much could have been cut. Unless part 2 is jam-packed with action, they really didn't need to make this two movies. Endless plodding through woods could have been cut. An entire scene of Harry and Hermione dancing - irrelevant and could have been cut. It was almost frustrating (and bordered on boring a few times as a result).

The dark parts of the movie, were again very dark. Looking back at The Philosophers Stone (Sorcerer's Stone in some countries), it seemed aimed at children. Then suddenly, as the books progressed, they became increasingly adult, and increasingly dark. Let me say this - don't take small kids to see this movie. Just don't. I have a 7 year old, and he won't be seeing this (or most of it's predecessors for that matter) until he is muuuuuch older. It's scary. It has dark and confusing concepts, and it's not a kids movie, despite what many seem to think. I was kinda horrified to see the age of some kids in the cinema. Just... no.

The focus is very much on Harry, Hermione and Ron in this one, very few glimpses of any of the others from Hogwarts, including our favorite villain, Snape. McGonagall was absent altogether, which disappointed me greatly! Neville was a glimpse, even Draco was a minor appearance. And, I am really, really, not a fan of Bill Nighy as Rufus Scrimgeour.

All that said, there were many positives, too. There were some clever jokes and witty humor, and I do so love the many polyjuice scenes. I loved Luna Lovegood's father, Xenophilius Lovegood (big Rhys Ifans fan!), and more of the house elves. As an adult, I loved the dark scenes, the tension was great, and I think Helena Bonham Carter returning as Bellatrix Lestrange was brilliant in her role yet again. The ending was climactic enough to leave you lamenting the 7 month wait for part 2.

I'd give it maybe... 6 out of 10. I hope part 2 is an improvement - much expectations to carry for the final installment of a tale that has gripped us now for a ten good years. Fingers crossed!

110 in 2010... How did I go?

Back in January I wrote this post of goals for 2010. With only 6 weeks left now in 2010, I thought I should review and see what I need to cram in to come close to getting most of these achieved. So.. a review!


1. Visit an o/s country CHECK!
2. Take risks CHECK!
3. Travel more – locally, Aus, Abroad CHECK!
4. Meet new people CHECK!
5. Make more friends CHECK!
6. Let more people in CHECK!
7. Start a grad dip in IKM
8. Write CHECK!
9. Create CHECK!
10. Look after me CHECK!
11. Get a tattoo CHECK!
12. Stand in the rain til I am soaked through CHECK!
13. Be loved CHECK!
14. Appreciate Friends CHECK!
15. Exercise regularly
16. Learn Italian
17. Learn a dance – salsa!?
18. Keep a diary
19. Read a book a month for pleasure
20. Cultivate a stronger sense of self CHECK!
21. Bake more
22. Clean closets and give away or throw out things I don’t wear CHECK!
23. Hang pictures CHECK!
24. Take kids to zoo CHECK!
25. Buy luggage CHECK!
26. Conquer long haul flight CHECK!
27. Buy or cut fresh flowers monthly min
28. Find new music CHECK!
29. Decorate the house CHECK!
30. Buy more shoes
31. Drive somewhere far - road trip!
32. Laugh more CHECK!
33. Treat my hair more CHECK!
34. Get massage
35. Drink less coffee CHECK!
36. Expand movie collection CHECK!
37. Blog more
38. Attend a concert CHECK!
39. Watch a sunrise CHECK!
40. Stay up all night
41. Watch a sunset CHECK!
42. Buy more pretty things CHECK!
43. Learn to better apply make up - smoky eyes...
44. Save $500 for no real purpose. CHECK!
45. Get a job
46. Buy more pretty lingerie CHECK!
47. Get more pedicures
48. Pierce my nose
49. Stay in bed all day with dvds and/or books CHECK!
50. Swim in the ocean – beach hair!
51. Mosaic again
52. Try pottery
53. Paint, even just once
54. Donate unused toys
55. Grow herb garden
56. Grow basic vegies
57. Watch Schindlers list
58. Stop worrying
59. Attend a St Patricks Day parade CHECK!
60. Learn a new word daily
61. Find something to be grateful for daily
62. Plant a tree
63. Kiss in the rain CHECK!
64. Wish on a shooting star
65. See a movie at a drive in
66. Research Infertility book CHECK!
67. Be more positive CHECK!
68. Talk to strangers more CHECK!
69. Take more photos CHECK!
70. Do more RAOK
71. Compliment others often CHECK!
72. Learn to relax CHECK!
73. Be more environmentally friendly CHECK!
74. Don’t strangle anybody! (Hoping this is my definite achieved item...) CHECK!
75. Keep a budget CHECK!
76. Buy more dresses
77. Monthly movie night
78. Sleep more!
79. Read with kids regularly CHECK!
80. Have fun with Finns school lunches and introduce new foods CHECK!
81. Take Finn to scienceworks CHECK!
82. Spend more time alone CHECK!
83. Take kids to the beach CHECK!
84. Get counselling
85. Move house or revamp current CHECK!
86. Hug kids at least twice a day CHECK!
87. Tell kids I love them at least twice every day CHECK!
88. Explore San Fran in March CHECK!
89. Write a letter to myself 10 years in the future
90. Write a letter to the child me
91. Organise my photos into albums on iPhoto
92. Write a haiku
93. Have someone read to me out loud CHECK!
94. In addition to reading a book for pleasure each month, read at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/12559/Books/The+Perfec...
95. In addition to movies for pleasure etc. Watch at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/Listof/tabid/57/ListID/15929/Default.aspx
96. Organize my pantry more efficiently
97. Be brave CHECK!
98. Ask for help when I need it
99. Laugh til I cry CHECK!
100. Cook new meals CHECK!
101. Ease off on the self guilt CHECK!
102. Believe and remind myself I deserve more happy CHECK!
103. Try new foods CHECK!
104. Work on relationship with the folks CHECK!
105. Spend more time with my niece and nephew
106. Have confidence in the decisions I make and embrace them CHECK!
107. Make those I care about feel special CHECK!
108. Be open to possibilities, always CHECK!
109. Take opportunities and make them count CHECK!
110. Make a list for 2011

What is left...

7. Start a grad dip in IKM
To be fair, I changed my mind on this, and instead applie for Grad Entry Teaching. i find out Jan if I am accepted.

15. Exercise regularly
What is this word, regularly, you speak of?

16. Learn Italian
No suitable classes were offered. I keep looking...

17. Learn a dance – salsa!?
Ha.

18. Keep a diary
Very erratic, and very few entries.

19. Read a book a month for pleasure
Not even close.

21. Bake more
Um. No.

27. Buy or cut fresh flowers monthly min
Sadly, no, and I liked this one a lot.

30. Buy more shoes
Nope. I bought one pair. I dont think that counts.

31. Drive somewhere far - road trip!
No, another I really wanted, too.

34. Get massage
Nope. WANT.

37. Blog more
I was very slack this year, but it was a huge year...

40. Stay up all night
I dont think I have the stamina for it!

43. Learn to better apply make up - smoky eyes...
No real place to use it, so I didn't bother. FAIL!

45. Get a job
Nothing suitable, and I still want to be home with RJ, so this one never eventuated either.

47. Get more pedicures
Sadly, no. Aside from self administered!

48. Pierce my nose
Nope. Still undecided.

50. Swim in the ocean – beach hair!
Maybe next week on our beach holiday?

51. Mosaic again
Fail

52. Try pottery
Fail

53. Paint, even just once
Fail

54. Donate unused toys
I need to do this, still. The kids have boxes they don't touch.

55. Grow herb garden
Fail

56. Grow basic vegies
Fail

57. Watch Schindlers list
Fail

58. Stop worrying
I am trying. Not sure I will ever manage this one, though.

60. Learn a new word daily
Fail

61. Find something to be grateful for daily
Not conscientiously enough.

62. Plant a tree
Fail.

64. Wish on a shooting star
I haven't seen any! NOT MY FAULT. I blame the cosmos.

65. See a movie at a drive in
Fail.

70. Do more RAOK
Again, not enough and not enough conscious effort.

76. Buy more dresses
Fail

77. Monthly movie night
Fail... did okay, but not monthly.

78. Sleep more!
God I have trouble with this. I make inroads then regress. Its tough.

84. Get counselling
Fail. Ashamed.

89. Write a letter to myself 10 years in the future
Um.. Dear future me, I hope you found the happy. I hope you stayed brave. I hope you feel at peace, and lost the tension and stress of now. I believe in you.

90. Write a letter to the child me
Dear child me, you'll be ok. You are so much more than you believe. I wish I could hug you. You are amazing.

91. Organise my photos into albums on iPhoto
Fail

92. Write a haiku
Fail

4. In addition to reading a book for pleasure each month, read at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/12559/Books/The+Perfec...
I dont think I read ten books this year full stop.

95. In addition to movies for pleasure etc. Watch at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/Listof/tabid/57/ListID/15929/Default.aspx
Ditto.

96. Organize my pantry more efficiently
Fail

98. Ask for help when I need it
Another I have made inroads on, but could stand to take further.

105. Spend more time with my niece and nephew
This one upsets me most. Relationship with my brother worsened, and made this even harder. I really need to fix this one the most.

110. Make a list for 2011
FAIL!


Interesting... It was fun!

A beautiful birth day.

Today will go down as one of the most memorable, treasured and amazing days of my life. My lovely best friend, Megs, had her twin babies. From early on, she had asked me to be a support person at the birth, and I had been thrilled to accept. I had a holiday booked for late November, and the babes were not due until December 13th, but we were sure they would be here before then. As time went by, we got more and more nervous we had been wrong about that! Then, at 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant, at 445am, my phone rang.

"My waters just broke!!" Megan announced when I answered with my sleepy hello. That sure woke me up! I knew I needed to get up and moving and get on the road to meet her at the hospital, but it all seemed so surreal, and I had trouble getting moving, I seemed to be dilly dallying, though I was trying to move fast. Wake up fail.

At 5am, I was out the door and in the car, on my way. The entire drive in (takes me about 45min), I was driving toward sunrise, and the sky was the most spectacular shades of red, orange, pink and purple. Definitely a good omen, I thought to myself. I reminisced about the arrival of my 2 babes, and once I arrived, I took off from the carpark to the hospital. I know this girl. She births fast. Even if there ARE two.

At emergency, the registrar took me up to birthing and they let me in the suites. Andrew was outside the room, and said that Megs had just asked for me. I walked in and oh my god. There were at least 7 people in the room, aside from Megan. All nurses, midwives, doctors... One looked at me with that "And who are you??" look, and I offered that I was Megs support person, and was directed to her side.

Now, I have to say, when I was in labor with RJ, I yelled. A lot. Loudly. Megs was only saying "ow ow ow ow" - I was like really??? Are you kidding me!? What are you, superwoman?! She was amazing. I was so impressed, so inspired by her strength and determination. Megs had been told that because the babies were transverse (sideways), she would need a caesarian section, and she was understandably, worried and nervous about it. When I was standing by her side, I knew there was no way that was going on, she was in full on labor. Then I noticed there was a baby in the room! Sweet tiny Oliver Andrew was here already, my GOD! It had only been an hour since she called me!!! The doctor looked at me and said, "who are you? sister?" Andrew and I both said "YES." lol. He said that one baby had been born, breech, 2 minutes earlier, and the other was still floating, and not yet in position to be born, and it looked like surgery would be needed.

It was overwhelming to have so many in the room (several of the midwives said they were caught way off guard by not only a twin birth, but breech, and already in high intense phase, so I think they overcompensated for that!) - and Megs in pain was hard to bear. I suddenly felt for the role of partners in labour, its hard to see the person you love in pain and be unable to help them. Andrew was holding Megans hand and supporting her through contractions, and I was handed the most delightful little bundle. Little Oliver. He looked up at me, quiet, but interested. The little eyes blinking, trying to focus. I looked back at him with awe and wonder. There is something so magical about newborn babies. They restore your faith in a tough world. The innocence, the potential, the pure wonder.

Olly and I sat in the comfy chair and had a lovely cuddle, whilst the doctor said, "call for a C section please!" and I felt anxious for Megan again. No less than 30 seconds later, the doctor was covered in a burst of amniotic fluid as the amniotic sac burst. Nice shot, kiddo. Very impressive!! As I sat there, nursing one, tiny soul, I watched as another came into the world before my eyes, and the tears just flowed. Sebastian Kelly was born just 9 minutes after his older brother. It was the most amazing moment. 2 beautiful souls, my gorgeous best friend, birthing them HER way, and me in floods of tears of pride, joy, and excitement. Wow.

Little Sebastian had arrived, and let out a little cry as he was wrapped. The two babies were just amazing, and Andrew and I had cuddles while Megs was able to get more comfortable, before taking both babes for some long, special, skin on skin time. The 3 of us were on one hell of a high. When the babes were taken to special care, Andrew went along with them, and I was able to stay with Megan and hang out, both of us bouncy giggly excited. "TWO BABIES!!!!" was the catch cry of the day!

It took 2 hours before they came for Megs to take her up to see her babies, bloody slack hospital. But watching she and Andrew snuggle their 2 new boys, my heart just sang. It was so special. I took some photos, and then Jack and Lew arrived. I was able to witness them meet their little brothers for the first time. My heart near burst. 4 beautiful babies. My honorary nephews, all 4. Both bigger boys instantly adored the babies, kissing them, and smiling grins of wonder and delight. I left soon after... smiled all the way home.

I felt so closely bonded to Megan and Andrew, these 2 had been my best friends for years, but there was something indescribable about sharing such an intimate, enormous, life event with them. I felt so privileged to be included. Beyond that, having a baby named after me? Is something I can not effectively communicate. I tear up every time I think of it. There IS no bigger honour. I thought that being Lewis and Jack's godmother was huge. That being there for the twins birth was huge. This just blows me away. I've never felt so special in my life, as I do tonight.

I am so grateful, that they have made me such an integral part of their family, of their childrens lives. I can't wait to see these boys grow into men. I will cherish the friendship of this family until the day I die. What a lucky woman I am.

On being deaf

For the past 5 and a half weeks now, I have had a blocked ear. I perforated my eardrum, and its taking a few weeks to heal. You think you can imagine being deaf. Even partially. You think that when you get a deaf ear for a day or so that you know what it is like, but I am telling you - you don't.

It really is debilitating. It impacts in so many ways you'd not even realise. The first 2 weeks the hearing loss was quite profound, I found that my sense of spatial awareness was warped, I paid for petrol and walked into a display of water bottles. The attendant probably thought I was drunk. I stood in the chemist smiling blankly, unaware my name was being called to collect my prescription. I was so embarrassed.

Because I was unable to hear, I avoided people. It was too embarrassing to endlessly say 'Pardon? pardon? pardon?' so I became socially isolated. I had no idea what was going on on television, unless I could turn subtitles on. My balance was a bit wobbly. I would hear a noise, and be unable to properly place it, nor it's direction - that was genuinely a scary feeling at times. I didn't know what was going on and whether i needed to be in fight or flight mode or not. People laugh or stir you for your mishearing. They think it is funny. Or, even worse, they get angry and frustrated that you can't hear them and have to keep asking them to repeat themselves.

My mother has been deaf in one ear for many years now. She often talked about the frustration and depression that she felt as a result of it. I always empathised, but I never truly understood until now. My ear is still not healed. It almost pops, but then not quite. I am scared I will never regain proper hearing, but it has restored substantially from those first few weeks, so I feel lucky anyway.

Funny how it can take actually walking a mile, to truly gain real empathy and compassion. I thought I was, now I know better. If someone has trouble hearing you, please, show patience, kindness, and understanding. It will mean a lot.

Don't have kids? Apparently, you're an idiot.

I recently saw many of my friends post the following article on their facebook page. I couldn't open it to even read it for a week or two. The title alone made me too angry.



Why? Because the title is already implying that people without children are stupid and do not know better, and that motherhood is an exclusive club.

Bull. Shit.

Smug crap. It still to this day, raises my hackles. Yes, I am a mother, but I never, ever ever forget, that some can't. Some struggle. Some don't need this kinda stuff thrown about as a joke. Some just don't WANT to. Sure, motherhood can be hard work, but do we need to imply anyone who doesn't give it due credit is a moron? We're not heroes. We're not martyrs. Motherhood is NOT an exclusive club, and people who do not have children are not stupid or worthy of the eyeroll implied in this article. Their opinions on topics involving children are just as valid as those with children. Please, don't make a huge mistake and forget that.