A beautiful birth day.

Today will go down as one of the most memorable, treasured and amazing days of my life. My lovely best friend, Megs, had her twin babies. From early on, she had asked me to be a support person at the birth, and I had been thrilled to accept. I had a holiday booked for late November, and the babes were not due until December 13th, but we were sure they would be here before then. As time went by, we got more and more nervous we had been wrong about that! Then, at 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant, at 445am, my phone rang.

"My waters just broke!!" Megan announced when I answered with my sleepy hello. That sure woke me up! I knew I needed to get up and moving and get on the road to meet her at the hospital, but it all seemed so surreal, and I had trouble getting moving, I seemed to be dilly dallying, though I was trying to move fast. Wake up fail.

At 5am, I was out the door and in the car, on my way. The entire drive in (takes me about 45min), I was driving toward sunrise, and the sky was the most spectacular shades of red, orange, pink and purple. Definitely a good omen, I thought to myself. I reminisced about the arrival of my 2 babes, and once I arrived, I took off from the carpark to the hospital. I know this girl. She births fast. Even if there ARE two.

At emergency, the registrar took me up to birthing and they let me in the suites. Andrew was outside the room, and said that Megs had just asked for me. I walked in and oh my god. There were at least 7 people in the room, aside from Megan. All nurses, midwives, doctors... One looked at me with that "And who are you??" look, and I offered that I was Megs support person, and was directed to her side.

Now, I have to say, when I was in labor with RJ, I yelled. A lot. Loudly. Megs was only saying "ow ow ow ow" - I was like really??? Are you kidding me!? What are you, superwoman?! She was amazing. I was so impressed, so inspired by her strength and determination. Megs had been told that because the babies were transverse (sideways), she would need a caesarian section, and she was understandably, worried and nervous about it. When I was standing by her side, I knew there was no way that was going on, she was in full on labor. Then I noticed there was a baby in the room! Sweet tiny Oliver Andrew was here already, my GOD! It had only been an hour since she called me!!! The doctor looked at me and said, "who are you? sister?" Andrew and I both said "YES." lol. He said that one baby had been born, breech, 2 minutes earlier, and the other was still floating, and not yet in position to be born, and it looked like surgery would be needed.

It was overwhelming to have so many in the room (several of the midwives said they were caught way off guard by not only a twin birth, but breech, and already in high intense phase, so I think they overcompensated for that!) - and Megs in pain was hard to bear. I suddenly felt for the role of partners in labour, its hard to see the person you love in pain and be unable to help them. Andrew was holding Megans hand and supporting her through contractions, and I was handed the most delightful little bundle. Little Oliver. He looked up at me, quiet, but interested. The little eyes blinking, trying to focus. I looked back at him with awe and wonder. There is something so magical about newborn babies. They restore your faith in a tough world. The innocence, the potential, the pure wonder.

Olly and I sat in the comfy chair and had a lovely cuddle, whilst the doctor said, "call for a C section please!" and I felt anxious for Megan again. No less than 30 seconds later, the doctor was covered in a burst of amniotic fluid as the amniotic sac burst. Nice shot, kiddo. Very impressive!! As I sat there, nursing one, tiny soul, I watched as another came into the world before my eyes, and the tears just flowed. Sebastian Kelly was born just 9 minutes after his older brother. It was the most amazing moment. 2 beautiful souls, my gorgeous best friend, birthing them HER way, and me in floods of tears of pride, joy, and excitement. Wow.

Little Sebastian had arrived, and let out a little cry as he was wrapped. The two babies were just amazing, and Andrew and I had cuddles while Megs was able to get more comfortable, before taking both babes for some long, special, skin on skin time. The 3 of us were on one hell of a high. When the babes were taken to special care, Andrew went along with them, and I was able to stay with Megan and hang out, both of us bouncy giggly excited. "TWO BABIES!!!!" was the catch cry of the day!

It took 2 hours before they came for Megs to take her up to see her babies, bloody slack hospital. But watching she and Andrew snuggle their 2 new boys, my heart just sang. It was so special. I took some photos, and then Jack and Lew arrived. I was able to witness them meet their little brothers for the first time. My heart near burst. 4 beautiful babies. My honorary nephews, all 4. Both bigger boys instantly adored the babies, kissing them, and smiling grins of wonder and delight. I left soon after... smiled all the way home.

I felt so closely bonded to Megan and Andrew, these 2 had been my best friends for years, but there was something indescribable about sharing such an intimate, enormous, life event with them. I felt so privileged to be included. Beyond that, having a baby named after me? Is something I can not effectively communicate. I tear up every time I think of it. There IS no bigger honour. I thought that being Lewis and Jack's godmother was huge. That being there for the twins birth was huge. This just blows me away. I've never felt so special in my life, as I do tonight.

I am so grateful, that they have made me such an integral part of their family, of their childrens lives. I can't wait to see these boys grow into men. I will cherish the friendship of this family until the day I die. What a lucky woman I am.

Don't have kids? Apparently, you're an idiot.

I recently saw many of my friends post the following article on their facebook page. I couldn't open it to even read it for a week or two. The title alone made me too angry.



Why? Because the title is already implying that people without children are stupid and do not know better, and that motherhood is an exclusive club.

Bull. Shit.

Smug crap. It still to this day, raises my hackles. Yes, I am a mother, but I never, ever ever forget, that some can't. Some struggle. Some don't need this kinda stuff thrown about as a joke. Some just don't WANT to. Sure, motherhood can be hard work, but do we need to imply anyone who doesn't give it due credit is a moron? We're not heroes. We're not martyrs. Motherhood is NOT an exclusive club, and people who do not have children are not stupid or worthy of the eyeroll implied in this article. Their opinions on topics involving children are just as valid as those with children. Please, don't make a huge mistake and forget that.

Adult High School

I was thinking the other day, that sometimes I see the patterns of high school repeat in adult life. In high school, for a while, I hung out with the in crowd. They would bitch about one another behind their back, so I knew I would be copping my fair share as well, but I figured there was not really anyone else to sit with, so I stayed.

In my last year of high school, I made some new friends. They were not the in crowd, but they were cooler than them anyway (they just felt no need to shout it from rooftops...) And they were my kinda people. The in crowd would either rubbish or ignore them, but I wished I had found them earlier than 17.

As an adult, I have discovered a similar thing. A vocal majority may disparage someone for various reasons... maybe they whine a lot. Maybe they are religious, or do not engage in certain memes or behaviours that their values do not align with... But often, these people are "my people." Often, I find that the friendships offered are stronger, more genuine, longer lasting, and less fair weather, than those with a louder voice. "Choose your friends wisely" - indeed.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in fitting in, even as adults, in saying the right things. Being witty, being clever. Sometimes - especially in the online world - I find it hard to distinguish the real people from the personas they create. Larger than life characters, but not 'real' people. If you put the real you out there, though, and you're accepted and loved - no feeling in the world beats that. 1 true friend over 100 people adoring someone that isn't really me... No contest.

Just something to consider over the weekend. Enjoy it :)

You never stop missing them...

People you love, that you lose. It never gets easier. Every so often, I dream about him, or I talk to someone about him, and I miss him, still. I know it is a stupid thing to say, an obvious thing, but I wish he had never died. I still get sad. Almost 3 years later now, and I still get sad when I think of him, when I think of the funeral, of the burial.

No point to this, other than to just mention that I'm thinking of you, W. Miss you.

Fear

Awake since 4am. Can't sleep. Got a text from a friend last night mentioning she may be looking at breast cancer.

And here we go again.

I'm hopeful it is not. It's not a definitive dx yet. But it's dredged more crap up.

How do you ever shake the fear of it returning? Every 3m mum sees the oncologist. She just had her first post cancer mammogram (clear!!) and she sees the surgeon again soon as well. They keep very close watch, for this I'm grateful.

But sometimes, like when I wake at 4am, I'm gripped by this incapacitating fear. It's overwhelming. It won't return. Right?

Grief is a bitch.

I hate grief. With no "obvious" loss, I often fight it, because I refuse to understand that you can grieve for losses other than death. Does it scare you that I was a social worker and supervisor of 70 counsellors, for many years, too? I know these things, logically, yet I fight it.

Ever tried to fight grief? Not a smart move. Grief is coming, whether you acknowledge it and deal with it, or not. The peril of ignoring it is that it will hit harder. More impact, more force, more hell. The dilemma, with keeping your head in the sand for months on end, is that with other life stressors in the mix, you may find yourself tipped over the edge by something minute, and suddenly there is a black hole you can't get out of.

I have spent the last 10 months with my head firmly planted in the sand. I could not look acknowledge that my best friend and mum, had cancer. Was going through chemo. The fears that it will come back, that this all even happened, the emotions have been far too big to process. When they started, the depth would terrify me and I would shut them down. You can imagine that when you build a dam like that, the crack and outpour is always going to be inevitable, and far more destructive than an orderly stream.

So, I guess it all caught up. I've had 3 (interrupted) hours of sleep and I have cried myself inside out and back again. I have faced that demon, I've spent those hours in the blackest of hell, and the darkest of grief, and, thanks to a couple of understanding, forgiving and kind friends, I'm up again (Thank you Megs & Phil). I am beyond exhausted. I feel like sleeping for at least a week.

The upside is that from now on, it can only get better from here. Right???

Rewards!

So, I am actually nervous to even write this. But, one of the presents I got for grad from J : Um. A trip to the U.S.A. More specifically, California.

Alone.

Pretty sure I am insane.

I always wanted to travel, and imagine the inspiration for writing, the growth! But, that aside, it is something I have always wanted to do. To see the world, for as long as I can remember. Everyone is aware of my Italy obsession, I guess this is a good first trip to launch my dream of seeing it all. Friends to guide me, a familiar language and culture.

Terrified of leaving my babies for 2 weeks, but it feels important. It feels right. The rest of this year is hectic, my birthday, J's and RJ's birthdays, Green Day concert with F-bear, and Christmas... so I decided to leave it until the new year, and when Finn is back at school. So... the start of March it is.

Eeee!!!!

"I get by with a little help from my friends."

I've always said, I am not that good of a friend. I am often withdrawn and stand offish and I tend to keep to myself a lot. I'm not the kind of friend that you can just drop in on, or that drops in on others. Sometimes, I think I am sort of selfish. My friends (amazingly, I do have them!) would probably say it isn't true, but to an extent it is.

I guess as a result, the friends that I do have, are the truest of friends. Because they understand my strange little ways, and they love me anyway. They get that I often ebb and flow, and it never affects the friendship. The know that if they need me, I will be there in a heartbeat. And vice versa.

I'm currently in a social phase, and I guess I have a lot going on in my head, and in my heart. I don't usually share that stuff, I'm intensely private, but the relief I have felt at being able to share some of the big stuff with friends lately, has been enormous. That adage of a problem shared is a problem halved is kinda true. Letting someone in enough to show them true emotion and to share your fears etc with is a powerful thing. Not feeling alone with something is powerful. So why do I find it difficult to do a lot of the time?! Do others feel like this, or do you have people you can tell everything to? Good, bad, ugly, all of it? Is it difficult for you to do so, or is it a regular catharsis for most?

This coming Saturday, my best friend and I are getting away from it all for a night. A girls night. One that we probably both need for a lot of reasons. I am looking forward to a night of chatter, giggles and relaxing. Shes one of many friends I am very lucky to have, and grateful to have. Again, I don't say enough to these friends that they are important in my life. From all around the globe, my friends, I love you.

"At the shrine of friendship Never say die, Let the wine of friendship never run dry." (Les Miserables).

Perspective

The past month has impacted on me in a big way, two related events, yet very separate in my life too. Both involve that insidious C word. Last week, my Mum had her very last radiotherapy treatment. This followed several months of chemotherapy, and surgery for breast cancer. This week, her oncologist has told her he will see her in 3 months, she is done. It is beaten. The war has been won.

How momentous! It has been a very, very, long 8 months since she was diagnosed, many tears, many fears and some very difficult times. She did it though, she made it out the other side, and so have we, with her. It is very overwhelming, and difficult to comprehend that this is the end of it. To say we feel lucky is probably an understatement of the grossest kind.

Yesterday, Mum visited for the day. She still wears her scarf on her head, she is only beginning now to grow her hair back after chemotherapy. We were sitting, talking about a whole lot of things, when my friend posted a picture on twitter. I am not sure if you read Stepford Dreams (if not you ought to!); but my friend Carolyn, who authors this blog, I have known for a few years now. In all of this time, I have known of her best friend Alli and her own fight with cancer.

Yesterday, Stepford Dreams twitpic'd herself and Alli in hospital, it was a beautiful picture, a happy one. It made me smile. Then I looked at my mum, and burst into tears. Alli has not been as lucky as my Mum. I am aching for my friend Carolyn, and at the same time, I feel an appreciation, an incredible deep feeling of being grateful that I cannot express fully in words. I cried and both my Mum and I felt so sad, yet so so lucky.

I think too often, we take for granted, the people in our lives, we complain about the small things, we forget the bigger picture. We forget what matters. We don't realise how well off we truly are. We don't tell people often enough that we love them and that they matter in our lives. Today, I feel exceptionally lucky, but at the same time, a deep and aching sadness for my friend and the nightmare she simply cannot wake up from. I feel useless. There is nothing I can do, and that sucks. Please keep them all in your thoughts and prayers.

So, normally snarky, feisty me, not normally one for emotion or anything that could be construed as 'soppy' just wanted to remind you to count your blessings today, and to remember how much worse things could be.

Thinking

Of you 2 years on my friend.

I dreamed about you the other night. Man I have weird dreams!!! I dreamed that you had just died, and that we came to say goodbye to your body. You for some weird reason, resembled a baby, and not yourself, so I felt weird but pretended anyway and said bye. When I said "I am surprised you haven't punched me in the arm" (as you always did!) the baby did it and it was so you, and then I saw your face, normal and smiling and I hugged you for real, and said "I am so going to miss you, I never see you anymore, but man I am going to miss you" and then that was it, you were gone, and you turned into a puff of empty silk, and blew away.

I think my subconscious knew your anniversary was near, before my conscious registered the date. I still think about you lots. RIP, W. xx

Bit of a ramble

Today I seem to be thinking a lot of the friend I lost recently. It has been almost 3 months now, the first month was weird and sad, then things improved a bit and today I feel sad again. Its because I had another dream about him last night. Just after he died, I had two really weird dreams about him. He had come to spend time with me/us (my sister and mum too) and always had to "return" to death I guess? at the end of the dream. The second one we just sort of hung out and chatted and spent time together. It was so good, because we had not done that in years which made the way I felt about losing him weird. I felt like I shouldn't be grieving someone I had not spent time with in a number of years. I felt stupid for it. But, he was someone I admired and respected a lot (again snort at my choice of words because our initial relationship was based on hatred!!)

Argh. this really is a ramble. All out of order!

When we first met, he and his brother and mates used to give me a hard time at school and i HATED them. Then when I was about 16, my sister became good friends with him, and I came home from school to find this bully in my house. Imagine how that went down!!! But god, he not only made up for it, he went the other direction. I remember he wrote me a long apology letter, and during my final couple of years of high school, he was like an older brother to me, at the same parties etc. Stirring me, but in a good natured way, and looking out for me.

Anyway, given I moved away after high school, I didn't see him much, but my sister did, and Mum was friends with his Mum, and often updated me on his latest. I was always interested in hearing about him, I cared about him. He was a cheeky bugger, funny, and a bit of a ratbag. I really did think of him as an older brother figure. Anyway in that second dream I had not long after the funeral where we spent time together I thanked him in the dream, for taking the time to do that for me, and said it had meant a lot to me and he said he was privileged to be able to do it. I dunno what that means, after life privileges?! I don't even believe in an afterlife, so it was weird. But comforting, and sad too. Because I missed him more.

Last night I had another dream, nothing much different. Less poignant, more normal. But today, I miss him again. And I just wanted to ramble a bit, and think about him, and remember him. :(

Oh my!

So slack!!! Where oh where have I been? Not even anywhere interesting. Just here! Had tonsilitis which was a bastard, then spent ages catching up on house and uni stuff. Doing so-so with uni this semester, certainly not as well as last which is a shame, but life has been busier. Such is life!

My new nephew was born on Fathers Day, he is a tiny little thing, very sweet of course! Finn thought he was great and wanted to take him home. Was kinda hard explaining he wasn't ours to take home and why we didn't have a baby. Hard being the understatement to end all understatements. Hellish. But we're moving on from it all ok.

Friday night we went to the small mans first ever school concert. God, how cute was it!?!? Just gorgeous. I beamed from ear to ear the entire time, so proud!! Just a really cool experience. He was shy and nervous at first, grinning and cheekily waving at us, was into it by the end though, bless! Took some pics but none were great, took video also. Here is a pic though -



Today he and I went and spent a sunny afternoon in Lygon Street eating cake and icecream and catching up with Lalee girl. Was so good to see her, and Finn thought she was "mui loco", rofl. Well.. she is! :P Its why I love her!

Not much else, some... cool decisions and stuff afoot but not getting into it yet. All in good time. So.. anyone want to write a life writing thing for me because I am dreading it. Not real good at that, it is my big worry - for this week anyway.

Frankly...

Today sucked.

Stuff

Got an email from my lecturer last night, she assured me it was definitely an administrative error that she would confirm it Monday and sort it out for me. Thank goodness, a definite relief there.

Mum rang me yesterday with sad news. A friend of mine from high school times had died, he was only 32 and he had a heart attack. The weird thing was he had been at the Doctors about an hour before. What sort of incompetent quack saw him and dismissed it all??? I don't understand that. Anyway, I had not seen him in a number of years, he was more my sisters friend than mine, but we had some good times. We used to go to the same parties when we were about 17, 18. He would always look out for me a bit, which was nice. Sort of like what I imagined having an older brother would be like. His mum and mine are still very close friends, so Mum was called from where it all happened and went straight in. She said she went and saw him, afterwards, and said goodbye. That is always an eerie experience.

Bodies, dead bodies, are always so cold and heavy and empty. It's really strange. I am glad she got to say goodbye, they had a good friendship and I know he had a lot of respect for her, and thought highly of her. I think the funeral will be on Thursday. There will be a coroner's inquest given he saw the Dr so soon beforehand. I'm ok, as I said, I hadn't seen him for a number of years, but I always was interested in hearing what he was up to from mum. I always thought a lot of him. He and his twin brother and mates all come across as hard, tough blokes - but they're all really good guys at the heart of it.

Ugh. Just sad. Very, very sad. I'll feel your loss mate, but I can't help feel you finally have the peace that you tried so hard to find in life. :(

Good day!

Firstly, that cat video, I still piss myself laughing at the last one: "Why I eyes ya..." oh my god, I literally have tears EVERY time. rofl. Ok, breathe..

So, ever had one of those days that keeps getting better and better?! Allow me to brag. Firstly, I got an email from an old uni friend. Second one this week! I went to that schoolfriends site, and I am too cheap to pay to contact people so the 2 people I genuinely wanted to chat to again, I left these free buzz things... I dont know, theyre just a little standard message for free. Anyway, I also snuck my email address slyly into my profile, as did the guy I was contacting so I emailed him and had a bit of a catch up via email and msn. The memories flood back as though it was yesterday we were all living together on campus. They were definitely some of the best times of my life, for sure. Such brilliant memories, first time I smoked pot (and second and third...); berocca in vodka, hungover in lectures, climbing the Fletcher Jones tower, walking all the way from the gal (nightclub) back to uni because we had no taxi money....

Today I heard from one of the best girlfriends I had at the time, who I always thought was a top chick. So far just a quick one to check it was my email address, but hopefully will hear more from her soon, I can't wait to see what she has been up to the last eleven years! The piece of writing I have been concentrating on from last semester is set in that time and prompted it, so I really do feel like that time has just evaporated and I am going to wake up in room 5, manor 4 all over again!

Then I got my final piece of work for the semester back. My creative piece for my Fiction unit which was worth a whopping 70% of my grade (!) I had been having yet another crisis of faith in my ability, so was thrilled to see I got an HD. That gives me a HD overall for that unit too. Bloody brilliant!! I got kickarse comments too:

Kelly, a powerful, moving story, beautifully written and crafted and containing profound insights. this narrative is brave, daring and speaks what is often not spoken - and for many (including me) this is a quality that draws them to the reading of fiction: we want to read what doesn't get said in every day communication. In this respect, this work makes an achievement and does so in an aesthetically pleasing way.

Seriously - tf?!!? Thats such amazing feedback, am so excited! Inspiring, and the things that were highlighted for improvement I agreed with and knew something was not right with, so that was encouraging too.

THEN... a package was delivered. I thought it was something from ebay, but opened up a digital camera. I was emailing J and asking if he had bought it or what the? Thought it must be an ebay stuff up or something amiss... Found the envelope that came with it and J had won us a digital camera in some competition that came with the plasma. How funny, its better than the one we had! Stoked!! Takes a brilliant piccy! It also has a rechargable battery, meaning I don't have to spend a fortune on batteries anymore either. Bonus!

Great day!