My boy is home...

Sadface.

R.I.P. My darling boy

This morning, my beautiful Henry, was put to sleep. I read this poem yesterday, and spent most of the day crying. I am going to miss him so much. It aches, so terribly.


Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...



R.I.P. Hendrix 1995-2010
I miss you already, my beautiful, loyal, nuppy. Thank you for your comfort, love, and loyalty over eleven long years. You were one in a million, mate. I love you.

You all should know...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too
busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than an poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
THEN, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

Author Unknown

Saying Goodbye

How do you say goodbye to your best friend?? The little furry baby that has been part of your life, and a great deal of your heart for over 11 years?

My darling Hendrix, ran away over the long weekend. Thankfully, he was picked up by a vet, the end result was a conversation I had been planning to schedule with a vet in the next few months, but it was thrust upon me before I was ready. And she told me what I didn't want to hear. What I knew i would hear, but didn't want to.

It's time.

Hendrix is 14. He has all kinds of old dog problems. He has a heart murmur, dodgy lumps, losing weight, bad teeth... And he has been getting steadily worse. We needed a professional opinion about what was best for him. And today, I got it.

It's time.

I remember the day we found him wandering about our front yard in Warrnambool. It was December 13th, 1998. Josh's birthday and I was having an afternoon nanna nap. I had wanted a dog for some time, but was still umming and ahhing over committing to it. Hendrix decided for me. I woke up to J coming into the room, carrying this sweet, white, fluffball. I thought I was dreaming! I was so excited! He was so lovely. We kept him that weekend, he had a tag so on Monday morning, i called the council to find his owner. "A dalmation is it?" she asked. "er, no!" I replied looking at the little white ball of fluff at my feet. "Are you sure?!" She asked me. "Quite!" I answered, laughing, and described him. She called me back later, the owner had found him, and was looking for a home for him. She had put one of her dogs old tags on him in the meantime. I hung up and looked at Josh. "I WANT HIM!!!" I said, bursting into tears. We called her back and explained we were going away for Christmas, but could she PLEASE hold onto him for us until we returned from interstate. She agreed. Yay! She had found him roaming the countryside near Mortlake, matted fur, injured, hungry. A vet had fixed him up and groomed him, and he was about 3 years old, they guessed, though his teeth were fairly poor condition and at first made them think he was even older.

And he has been with me ever since. For everything. He was my baby before I had babies. Slept on my bed at night, took him for beach walks and to my parents farm visiting. When J and I separated the first time, and I was alone, and pregnant, and terrified - he was there every night, all night, to comfort me. He would nuzzle in when I cried, guard me, in a sense. He was there and graciously accepted the demotion when Finn was born, and again with RJ, never acting hurt or resentful. Gentle with the babies, loyal to the end.

He's been there for 5 house moves, he has escaped at least half a dozen times, but his tag always bought him home (except this last time). He has been, without a doubt, my best mate for a long time. I can't imagine how much I will miss hearing the click clack of his nails on the floor. Or feeling his warmth leaning against my legs for a cuddle. Even hearing that incessant yap yap yapping that drives me nuts! :)

I am glad that at least we can have a chance to say goodbye. To spend the next 4 days feeding him gourmet meat and scratching him behind the ears like he loves, for hours at a time. At 1130am on Saturday, I will be with him, at the vets. I will be there holding him, stroking him, and making sure that the last thing he hears, will be me saying "thank you" and "I love you."

So heartbroken. I love you HennyPen. Twosance. Nuisance. You-ey. Louise. Louie. Unnawee. Pendrix. Henry. Hendrix. Thank you for all the joy you bought to our family. You will be in my heart, always, mate.

You never stop missing them...

People you love, that you lose. It never gets easier. Every so often, I dream about him, or I talk to someone about him, and I miss him, still. I know it is a stupid thing to say, an obvious thing, but I wish he had never died. I still get sad. Almost 3 years later now, and I still get sad when I think of him, when I think of the funeral, of the burial.

No point to this, other than to just mention that I'm thinking of you, W. Miss you.

Grief is a bitch.

I hate grief. With no "obvious" loss, I often fight it, because I refuse to understand that you can grieve for losses other than death. Does it scare you that I was a social worker and supervisor of 70 counsellors, for many years, too? I know these things, logically, yet I fight it.

Ever tried to fight grief? Not a smart move. Grief is coming, whether you acknowledge it and deal with it, or not. The peril of ignoring it is that it will hit harder. More impact, more force, more hell. The dilemma, with keeping your head in the sand for months on end, is that with other life stressors in the mix, you may find yourself tipped over the edge by something minute, and suddenly there is a black hole you can't get out of.

I have spent the last 10 months with my head firmly planted in the sand. I could not look acknowledge that my best friend and mum, had cancer. Was going through chemo. The fears that it will come back, that this all even happened, the emotions have been far too big to process. When they started, the depth would terrify me and I would shut them down. You can imagine that when you build a dam like that, the crack and outpour is always going to be inevitable, and far more destructive than an orderly stream.

So, I guess it all caught up. I've had 3 (interrupted) hours of sleep and I have cried myself inside out and back again. I have faced that demon, I've spent those hours in the blackest of hell, and the darkest of grief, and, thanks to a couple of understanding, forgiving and kind friends, I'm up again (Thank you Megs & Phil). I am beyond exhausted. I feel like sleeping for at least a week.

The upside is that from now on, it can only get better from here. Right???

Thinking

Of you 2 years on my friend.

I dreamed about you the other night. Man I have weird dreams!!! I dreamed that you had just died, and that we came to say goodbye to your body. You for some weird reason, resembled a baby, and not yourself, so I felt weird but pretended anyway and said bye. When I said "I am surprised you haven't punched me in the arm" (as you always did!) the baby did it and it was so you, and then I saw your face, normal and smiling and I hugged you for real, and said "I am so going to miss you, I never see you anymore, but man I am going to miss you" and then that was it, you were gone, and you turned into a puff of empty silk, and blew away.

I think my subconscious knew your anniversary was near, before my conscious registered the date. I still think about you lots. RIP, W. xx

12 months

Passes very quickly. Cannot believe today is 12 months since my friend died. Still think about him often and miss him. Wherever you are, I hope theres peace.

Bit of a ramble

Today I seem to be thinking a lot of the friend I lost recently. It has been almost 3 months now, the first month was weird and sad, then things improved a bit and today I feel sad again. Its because I had another dream about him last night. Just after he died, I had two really weird dreams about him. He had come to spend time with me/us (my sister and mum too) and always had to "return" to death I guess? at the end of the dream. The second one we just sort of hung out and chatted and spent time together. It was so good, because we had not done that in years which made the way I felt about losing him weird. I felt like I shouldn't be grieving someone I had not spent time with in a number of years. I felt stupid for it. But, he was someone I admired and respected a lot (again snort at my choice of words because our initial relationship was based on hatred!!)

Argh. this really is a ramble. All out of order!

When we first met, he and his brother and mates used to give me a hard time at school and i HATED them. Then when I was about 16, my sister became good friends with him, and I came home from school to find this bully in my house. Imagine how that went down!!! But god, he not only made up for it, he went the other direction. I remember he wrote me a long apology letter, and during my final couple of years of high school, he was like an older brother to me, at the same parties etc. Stirring me, but in a good natured way, and looking out for me.

Anyway, given I moved away after high school, I didn't see him much, but my sister did, and Mum was friends with his Mum, and often updated me on his latest. I was always interested in hearing about him, I cared about him. He was a cheeky bugger, funny, and a bit of a ratbag. I really did think of him as an older brother figure. Anyway in that second dream I had not long after the funeral where we spent time together I thanked him in the dream, for taking the time to do that for me, and said it had meant a lot to me and he said he was privileged to be able to do it. I dunno what that means, after life privileges?! I don't even believe in an afterlife, so it was weird. But comforting, and sad too. Because I missed him more.

Last night I had another dream, nothing much different. Less poignant, more normal. But today, I miss him again. And I just wanted to ramble a bit, and think about him, and remember him. :(

Frankly...

Today sucked.

It's snowing!

Isn't it pretty? I've not ever really seen snowfall before. I know it gets cold where we live, this is our first winter here, but snow is exceptional still. Just gorgeous. Finn is back at pre-school this morning, term 3 has begun. I hope they are looking at it too.

I feel very flat. Funeral is Thursday afternoon and I had to really press J to take the afternoon off to watch Finn - he is at too vulnerable an age to come with me, I feel - and J agrees. Of course, my family will all be there, so it has to be J who watches him. J has work, but hopefully he can still get away.. sigh. Not like I WANT to go to a funeral. I am dreading it. I don't want to go to be honest. I know that is really awful of me, but I hate funerals. They freak me out. I know I am going to end up an anxious, panic attacking mess, but its important to me to go too. My brother and sister are going, we will go together. Mum will probably be with the family, given she is his mothers closest friend. I helped Mum put a notice in the paper for us, we went with simple about him sharing a tin with his best friend, who killed himself some years ago. Ugh. Its not fair. Life is shitty when it comes to death (ironic statement huh?)

Anyway. I don't know.

Sorted

Hi Kelly,
I have looked at my spreadsheet, and it definitely says 66 C for your grade, so I really don't know where the 34 came from. I'm terribly sorry that Deakin caused you such stress over the weekend (and a little worried about the results of others!). I've just filled in an 'Amendment to Result' sheet.
[Lecturer's Name]

Phew. Thank goodness, naughty Deakin! It was my worst unit so I was a little concerned! That sorted, I can get reading underway for semester 2. 1 down 8 to go. Oh, wait, I added another, "Reading autobiography: A guide for interpreting Life Narratives by Smith & Watson" - so 1 down, 9 to go. So why am I sitting here? Not in the mood for reading, thought its probably a good distraction. I find it interesting (?) that sometimes you give and give of yourself when people need you, then as soon as you could do with an ear, theres no one about (or they still talk about themselves and their issues). Why is it so??? No matter, such is life I guess. Luckily I do have a shoulder or two to use, I'll get by.

I want to curl up and cry and cry

Infertility stuff. When people don't get it they can be cruel and they can be arrogant.

It still hurts, theres so much pain, so much frustration. I want to get people and slap them and MAKE them understand. I know it takes a stretch to 'get it' but fuck sake. I admire people who can express grief that is pretty (thats Megs for that word, thats it exactly) - good for them. I can't, its not a conscious decision, its just how it erupts, and because of that - I am shunned and attacked and ignored because people get defensive at my anger.

People, in general, are mostly selfish and superficial I have decided. What keeps me sane is the other infert girls, and the bunch of women - not infertile - but who GET IT and who accept me flaws and all, and love me anyway. I love those women, they won't ever know just how much they saved this one little person... I wish I could thank them properly, because without them... I just don't know.

Here's a hornets nest for you...

The topic of termination/abortion. Its a doozy, wouldn't you agree?

I swing all over the place on it. I have friends who have had to make that choice, and I don't think less of them for it, of course I don't. How can I know til I am in those shoes right? Finns conception was not ideal... J and I had split, I had a job and a plane ticket and was outta here... But the thought of not having my little man about... far out. The world would miss out.

Because of my infertility, though, it becomes REALLY hard. I see my closest friends go through hell, IVF after IVF, invasive procedures, hospitalised and in agony with over stimmed ovaries and stuff... friends who cannot conceive and cannot afford to try any longer so have to accept a childless or imperfect family make up.... people who have beautiful hearts and would make amazing parents... Would give a limb to be able to have what others terminate.

I don't begrudge people in awful choice-less (or all but) circumstances that option, not at all. But some use it when "oops, withdrawal method not so reliable.." well no shit. Or "oops, can't really afford a plasma AND a baby so.." that to me is wrong. Thats a life with hopes and dreams and who could give so much to the world... I struggle.

I don't express pain well. Geez that has been told to me a few times. I am too angry apparently. Some people, when they feel pain, will cry or will tell people they are crying or desperate or upset. Other people like this, because they enjoy the role of comforter. They like that its "easy" to address or help. They're selfish in their giving comfort, they like what they can handle, mostly.

I don't do that. I get angry. I lash out and I swear and rant and rave. People don't like that, and they don't realise it is an expression of pain, they see it as someone who is being mean or nasty or whatever. They can't step outside their square - and even when directly told, they still say nope, not worthy of my concern, doesn't fit my criteria. Too angry. Can't handle that one! So, should I not say anything, at all, and bottle my grief, or do I let it out in the only way I know how?

And if I do, does that make me evil? Bitter, sure, I accept that. But a horrible person with blatant disregard and immaturity? I don't think thats fair.

Farewell 2006, Hellooooo 07!

Written 3 January 2007

2006 was good and bad for us, mostly good I think. Personally, it was a year of a lot of grieving for me, but I think I have made progress, and I feel good about the future for the 3 of us.

We moved yet again, weird circumstances, super stressful, but turned out to be absolutely perfect. Perfect house, perfect town, closer to the folks, and perfect school for our son. Fell into place amazing well, very much meant to be and we are incredibly happy here.

I spent a year studying italian and loved every second of it, though to become fluent would take a hell of a lot longer. I have a much better understanding than before, particularly reading comprehension, I loved studying the language!

J and I loooved watching the soccer world cup and seeing the aussies do so well, it was so exciting, many a late night and early morning screaming and jumping up and down was had! I still say we were robbed... ;)

The commonwealth games were held here in Melbourne.. turned out to be fairly low key, though I am still wondering what the hell the point of the duck was in the opening ceremony.

Our beloved Sydney Swans made the grand final second year running but we lost this one by ONE point. Heartbreaking but also exciting to watch.

We also watched with interest and baited breath when the 2 miners were trapped in the Tassie mine for 2 weeks, 1km underground. Terrifying, but they made it, remember watching that at 6am or so when they made it out, was such a relief for me as a stranger watching, imagine he families and their own. Amazing!

We went on holidays to Philip Island, was all about the F-man though, he was spoilt rotten and had a ball. As it was again in December when we had xmas parties, wiggles concerts and presents galore, and then a weekend back in Warrnambool, first time since leaving which was pretty cool.

Theres been hellish bushfires in our state this past month or so, when the wind is a certain direction, we have had scarily thick smoke right across the state, hundreds and thousands of kms from the fires. Visibility here is normally 20-30km or so, but was down to 2km. It was eery. In the towns closeby to the fires, it was like midnight in the middle of the afternoon it was so dark. Creepy... Then a week later they had snow there which helped.. but.. freak weather. Mother natures sooo pissed.

Lots of tragic losses in Australia this year, all in the last few months as well, Steve Irwin - that was heartbreaking. He was such a big character, and did so much for wildlife and conservation, kids LOVED him. It was sad, with 2 young kids, a devoted wife... just awful. Sure, sometimes I cringed at his larrikin behaviour, and wondered if he was for real but what a guy, what a loss.

Also, Peter Brock, a racing legend, just a few weeks later, and Colin Thiele, author of Storm Boy. Then Belinda Emmett, who fought cancer for so long, leaving behind her husband, Rove. Their love was so beautiful and obvious, and so precious and untouchable... so tragic. All losses that made me hold my husband and son a little longer, and tell them a little more often that I love them, life is truly too short.

So, what of 2007? I am determined to hunt my creativity gene down, starting with attempts at writing through my masters. My darling boy starts preschool 3 mornings a week, I am trying desperately not to think about it at the moment. I am going to miss him like crazy, I thought i had another year at home with him before this, but montessori starts this early. Hes sooo ready, he loved his 2hour a week sessions he did at the end of 2006. So that will be an adjustment - for me!
What else? I don't know, but I feel good about it, I feel like things are turning our way, and that good things are ahead. I hope so!

Happy New Year!

Closing the door on negativity

Written 12 January 2007

Okay, so, the last 12 months I spent grieving my infertility, and inability to give my son a sibling. Lots of anger, lots of bitterness, lots of pain. Almost exactly 12 months after deciding to stop treatment, something just changed in my head.

I don't know what it was, nothing I can pinpoint, but suddenly I just knew that it was done. It wont ever be a clean break, I am sure I will always have moments - I will always be infertile. But I feel positive. I feel excited, and I feel hopeful, and those feelings feel like strangers almost!

I was able to grieve and be accepted in that grief, even though it was not a conventional loss, and I think that is what enabled me to find this peace. I am excited about the opportunities we will provide our son with, and I am excited about the things that are in my life right now.

I feel like I have to let go of the negative to make room for the positives that I know will come. I can feel them waiting, and so I feel like I am closing the door on it all. Its a bit scary, it has sort of defined who I am for so long. I feel like I am closing the door on the girls I still support with their infertility stuff too, but I am not. I just need to take a step back, and get some balance.

I feel like I am on the verge of big happiness, and I can choose to stay where its comfortable, in what I know, in whats familiar, even though mostly negative in its very nature. Or I can step off the cliff and find out what might catch me.

I think I am ready to jump.