My Brother

It is only fair, after going on about my big sister, that I now go on about my little brother. If my sister and I argued as kids and are close as adults, Ray and I are the reverse. We had a close relationship as kids, and then as adults not so much. Or we do, but we both have to really work at it.

We clash. We are both tempestuous, fiery, hotheads. I have tamed and calmed mine over the years, maybe his will come. When he was a baby, he was doted on by Shell and I, this golden curly haired angelic little boy - so cute. We used to go to opposite ends of the hallway and call him to see which of us he would go to. LOL. And we'd make him choose whose "mate" he was going to be each day.

He met his now wife when they were just 14 or 15 at high school. They had a mostly on, but sometimes off again relationship and are now married with 2 children - a 1 year old and a 6 week old. He and his wife used to spend every new years eve with us when we lived in Warrnambool. It became a tradition, and we had many a good night! We all got along so well then. J and he were great mates and in fact, Ray was best man for J at our wedding.

I don't know when it all got hard. I don't know when it started being difficult and I don't know why. Maybe it was a result of Ray's temper and my infertility (and thus impatience, and low tolerance). I found out they were pregnant with their first child literally the day after a negative AC cycle and so their entire pregnancy was hard for me always thinking I could have been... It wasn't their fault of course, but it was hard. And hearing they were pregnant with number 2 fairly soon after was difficult as well. I think its put distance between us because they don't understand it, and I find it difficult. Add to that his temper and tantrums that I refuse to tolerate, and it makes a good relationship hard to maintain.

That said, I would do anything I could for them in a heartbeat, and I know he would do the same for me. We still love one another, and think a lot of each other. In fact, when I told him the other week that J and I had decided to return to treatment and give IVF a go, he was absolutely over the moon for us. That meant so much to me. He has a good heart, my brother, and would always do whatever he could for us, without hesitation.

I find sibling relationships interesting given Finn has none. I worry he misses out on the things that I have. I know they are no guarantee, but I feel he is being ripped off. Its hard to swallow. I think as a kid, you need an ally in the world growing up. Just gets me down a bit. Even if we have success now we are looking at 5+ years age gap and that might be too much to have any decent relationship anyway. I don't know. As adults it won't though, and thats important for when J and I cark it.

Ok, getting morbid now! I am really lucky to have the siblings I do. I'd not change either of them for the world.

My sister

I was surprised this week, when I told a friend my sister was coming to visit, that she didn't know I had a sister! I realised though, this is a good thing. I suspect I have mentioned my brother and our run ins before, and I hadn't mentioned my sister because we don't have run ins!

My sister is older than I am by 3 years. She is gorgeous... imagine growing up though, the ugly ducking (or at least the chubbier duckling!) with this goddess older sister. It was tough!! I know she reads this blog, but Shell, if you are reading, you are not allowed to mention this entry to me. I don't handle emotional mushy moments well, but I need to tell everyone how cool my sister is!

When we we were growing up, we shared a room until I was about 16. Oh my god. Sharing a room with my sister was just.. lets face it.. challenging. I remember when I was 14 and she was 17 and she was a social butterfly - aside from parties and the usual stuff, she was also doing debutante rehearsals and was involved in a play that had her rehearsing during the week as well. I actually developed a sleeping problem because I would work myself into a state trying to get to sleep, but knowing that even if I did, she would come home late, turn lights on, wander about the room making noise, doing her thing... oblivious to the fact that I was trying to sleep!!! Mind you, I also recall us both waiting til late at night, then sneaking a shared cigarette and opening the window and spraying perfume to cover the smell. (When Mum reads this we are SO busted!)

Once we got separate rooms (for some reason I had the power to choose which room I wanted, but she made me choose which when they were still at slab stage, because she wanted to bury something in the concrete in hers...) but from then on we got on MUCH better!!!

She was the cool older sister. She was popular, she was trendy, she was beautiful and she had LOADS of friends. This helped me out immensely, and my schoolyard stock rose in value just because I was her sister. No one would mess with me, and risk getting her and her friends offside. Very handy, let me tell you.

What was even better, was that when she got her licence at 18, and I was a lowly 15 or so, she included me. She and I would often get in the car and drive the 30 minutes to the closest McDonalds, get something from the drive through and then sit in the car in the carpark and eat it because we were too lazy to get out of the car and go and sit in. She would go and do things with her older male and female friends, and she would often let me tag along. I think I was at a weird place at the time with my own friends. My closest friend had started a serious relationship with a guy that I hated and who hated me, and I felt a bit lost. You know, to take your nerdy little sister with you and your cool friends and look out for her... at that age... I dont think many would do that. I was pretty lucky, and it meant a lot to me.

Rachelle and I are connected with rubber bands. Sometimes they stretch and we can go a little while without contact, and then we snap back and spend lots of time together. There is no question we adore one another. This is one special woman. She came to visit this week, and brought this enormous bunch of lillies for me. She "gets' the infertility stuff, and she always knows the right things to say to make me feel less alone, and more supported. She and Finn have a relationship that he doesn't have with anyone else in his life. Its hard to put into words... he absolutely ADORES her. He is completely smitten and thinks she is this magical, amazing, wonderful creature that was put on earth just for him to enjoy and love. Good old aunty LoLoshe!

I'd be lost without my sister. I really would! She takes care of me, she looks out for me. Not just as a nerdy teenager, not just as someone finding her way in the world, or having troubles conceiving.. she looks out for me in that way that only someone that is connected to your very soul can.

Tomorrow marks 4 years...

Finn post haircut today, looking somewhat unimpressed...

Dearest Finn,

And so, your fourth year comes to an end. It has been a busy year, it doesn’t feel too much like it has flown as it has in years gone by. A lot has happened. Just after your last birthday, we took a family holiday for a few days to Cowes at Phillip Island. We had a great time at the beach, the playground, seeing the penguins, koalas and Churchill island. Was a really nice break, and we named it Finnfest06 because it really was all about you and what you would enjoy! This year (Finnfest07?) we are off to Tassie!

You are a funny boy, from as early as 3 you were memorizing entire books and reciting them back to us in their entirety. These were not short books either, but decent length ones – utterly gobsmacking. You are a clever clogs, no doubtski aboutski!
We moved to a new town, before we really wanted to, it all happened very fast and coincidentally the weekend we came to check out houses, there was a sign out for the Montessori schools open day. This is a twice a year event, so pretty freaky timing! We went along and they had 3 spots left so we snapped one up on the spot. As I said – all very fast and god it has been the best thing!!! You are thriving and they really know you, and are doing everything to help you reach your potential, including increasing you to 4 mornings now, as of next week. When you first went, I cried and cried. It was so difficult to let you go! You did well, my little trooper. You have had some wobbly moments, and some tears, but you really love it. You have mastered a lot of what is being taught, and are ready for the extra morning. The teacher told me that she was teaching the older kids numbers 1-20 and turned around and there you were, having done the lot when even the older kids were struggling. Bless! There was also mention of you in the school newsletter one week as “a first year with beautiful language such as answering ‘of course’ when asked a question, and ‘that’s fantastic.’” They comment on it a lot to me,, that you are an amazing little boy. We are so proud!

You have been toilet trained since the end of last year, including overnight. I think I could count the number of accidents you have had in total on one hand. You did it yourself really, one night you asked to wear undies to bed, no more nappy – and we’ve not looked back you little gem! I was rapt!

This year you have had your first nights away from home, having spent a night at Nanny and Pa’s three times now. You did that well and happily too, though we walked round the house in circles feeling lost for the most part! It was odd, you really are growing up fast babe. You adore Shelby and she is just enamored by you, utterly smitten by you, its very cute! She has just started walking and talking to you (in her baby language) which is sweet! They are expecting baby number 2 in a matter of weeks, and we have explained it to you. Your reply was that you didn’t want a brother or sister, just your mama and Dadda, because we’re a team. How sweet! I think that will change one day but you are happy for now!

You are also now writing letters and numbers which are just gorgeous (sometimes backwards and heart meltingly sweet) and you can read words if they can be sounded out phonetically, which is exciting! Also why the teachers want you for an extra morning a week now. They report that you are a perfectionist and also like to watch something in action before attempting it yourself as you hate failing at things and like to be confident of completing it right before trying. I am always telling you mistakes are okay!

You are still Wiggles mad, happy with Sam replacing Greg, and often reenacting things they do (e.g. origami whale!) You love imaginary play full stop and often re enact various shows you watch (and want to do everything the play school lot do!) Your drawings are now very realistic and you draw animals, people and scenes brilliantly. You love using my laptop and do so expertly now, clicking and dragging and using the touchpad like an expert. You are music mad – video hits is your favourite show and your fave band is probably Silverchair. We watched a concert of theirs on ABC2 last weekend and Daniel Johns was playing his guitar with his mouth. Well! You just thought that was the coolest of cool, and you often play a pretend guitar with your sunglasses on and say you are a rockstar. Rock on dude.

You chatter non stop (get that from your mum!) and are Dad’s mate, and Mama's little boy. Normally, I feel bittersweet and sort of sad on your birthday as you grow up; this year I just feel excited. You are coming into your own so amazingly well, and it is so cool to see. I am excited to see you continue to grow and learn. You have lost your baby face almost completely now, which is sort of sad, but you are such a good looking kid (no I am NOT biased!)

A list of beautiful things you have said this year:
You're my best friend.
I said I was scared of sharing my writing with uni and you said “I’ll do it for you mama, I'm not scared of writing!”
Why does every people look different?
Why has Jai got brown skin?
One day I woke to hear this: Dadda, isn’t mama beautiful?
Conthirty (not confetti)
Where is the earth of Jeff?
I’ll draw a loveheart to cheer you up mama. What makes you think I am sad? I just know.
Knock knock. Who's there? Who do you expect?
Puh-lease knock it off (felice navidad).
All I love is just you.
You know how I feel? I feel loved.
Ive got something to say to you mama. Sometimes you ARE clever and sometimes you're NOT clever.

Love you so much, more than I will ever be able to let you know. You’re the best babe! Love you!
Mama xxxxx

Good day!

Firstly, that cat video, I still piss myself laughing at the last one: "Why I eyes ya..." oh my god, I literally have tears EVERY time. rofl. Ok, breathe..

So, ever had one of those days that keeps getting better and better?! Allow me to brag. Firstly, I got an email from an old uni friend. Second one this week! I went to that schoolfriends site, and I am too cheap to pay to contact people so the 2 people I genuinely wanted to chat to again, I left these free buzz things... I dont know, theyre just a little standard message for free. Anyway, I also snuck my email address slyly into my profile, as did the guy I was contacting so I emailed him and had a bit of a catch up via email and msn. The memories flood back as though it was yesterday we were all living together on campus. They were definitely some of the best times of my life, for sure. Such brilliant memories, first time I smoked pot (and second and third...); berocca in vodka, hungover in lectures, climbing the Fletcher Jones tower, walking all the way from the gal (nightclub) back to uni because we had no taxi money....

Today I heard from one of the best girlfriends I had at the time, who I always thought was a top chick. So far just a quick one to check it was my email address, but hopefully will hear more from her soon, I can't wait to see what she has been up to the last eleven years! The piece of writing I have been concentrating on from last semester is set in that time and prompted it, so I really do feel like that time has just evaporated and I am going to wake up in room 5, manor 4 all over again!

Then I got my final piece of work for the semester back. My creative piece for my Fiction unit which was worth a whopping 70% of my grade (!) I had been having yet another crisis of faith in my ability, so was thrilled to see I got an HD. That gives me a HD overall for that unit too. Bloody brilliant!! I got kickarse comments too:

Kelly, a powerful, moving story, beautifully written and crafted and containing profound insights. this narrative is brave, daring and speaks what is often not spoken - and for many (including me) this is a quality that draws them to the reading of fiction: we want to read what doesn't get said in every day communication. In this respect, this work makes an achievement and does so in an aesthetically pleasing way.

Seriously - tf?!!? Thats such amazing feedback, am so excited! Inspiring, and the things that were highlighted for improvement I agreed with and knew something was not right with, so that was encouraging too.

THEN... a package was delivered. I thought it was something from ebay, but opened up a digital camera. I was emailing J and asking if he had bought it or what the? Thought it must be an ebay stuff up or something amiss... Found the envelope that came with it and J had won us a digital camera in some competition that came with the plasma. How funny, its better than the one we had! Stoked!! Takes a brilliant piccy! It also has a rechargable battery, meaning I don't have to spend a fortune on batteries anymore either. Bonus!

Great day!

Apprenticeship

Thats me, an apprentice of the craft of writing. I keep freaking out that I want to write but no time, no time! Which is sort of true, but I have to remind myself that just blogging, or sentences here and there, and especially uni, is practicing and honing and refining. And really, thats the better way to do it long term.

One of the pieces I submitted this semester, for a young adult audience, is one that I want to turn into full length, so I have been playing with that a bit. It has me remembering my own time of uni and the fun I had. It doesn't seem as long ago as it actually was, I am not sure how I came to be this old.

Life is good at the moment, very good. Good things are happening and I can't help but feel positive and excited about the future, its a great feeling.

Me? A shit of a kid?! Pfft.

So, have you forgiven me yet? I confessed, after all, so you have to give me kudos for that right? Least I got most of you commenting, sheesh, throw a dog a bone sometimes!! Some of you feel sorry for my Mum... Poor old Mum. She has a patience level that is really high, so high in fact, that it became my duty - as elected by my siblings* - to be the child to test how high it actually went. When I was 17, I was a nightmare of a teenager. I was hanging out to leave home, and get some freedom, felt so cramped... so I pushed those limits effectively and found they are not actually infinite. She does have a level at which patience runs out! Not so superhuman after all eh Ma?! teehee. Poor Mum, she threw a plate when it ran out. Smashed it on the kitchen floor. Was met by "Oh yeah, real mature Mum" from my sneering 17 year old face which must have made her want to empty the entire china cabinet. How we are best of mates these days is anyones guess! :D

After I wrote up the last entry, Mum and J both said "Geez I wonder where Adrian is these days?" So I googled him, and google knows all! Turns out he is a very successful short film and commercial director. So I sent him an email and have been in hysterics ever since. The memories the two of us have been dredging up are fantastic! He recalls things I have no recollection of.

He swears I went through a phase of drinking hot water from a thermos. What the!? Who DOES that?! Man, I was a little freak. I reminded him of the time we all broke into a house across the vacant lot, and found guns in there (which, come to think of it, may well have been pretend). He doesn't remember that (but this could be a ploy to escape prosecution if ever our 9 year old selves are identified). I confessed that the kidnap attempt was entirely false too, and he was both horrified and amused...

Some pretty funny memories about school too (we went to the same primary school til we moved away when I was 10). It was living next door to Adrian and his beautiful Italian family, along with learning the language at school, that first planted the seed of love for Italy with me. The amazing food, the rhythmic language that sounded musical to my child ears... its no wonder.

Oh the laughs I am having now at our hijinks! We wanted a dog, so we made Adrian help us make posters and we walked around the front yard chanting "we want a dog! we want a dog!" til my parents (tearing their hair out no doubt) acquiesced.

I was somewhat naughty as a teenager too, but as Leanne and I have discussed, most teens are, its just that I was stupid enough to get caught... I am not telling those stories though! :P Fun times as a kid with Adrian though, I hope Finn has a neighbour or a friend that he gets up to mischief with soon. Only, not quite the same level as his mother, preferably. That would really be too karmic.


*I may or may not have made that part up.