I'm a master of the universe!

I wrote an email to one of my closest friends this morning, and decided to blog it. Today I am going to my graduation for my Master of Arts (Writing and Literature). I was just reading earlier entries in my blog tagged with masters. lol. I really did struggle to get here!


I have been awake since 4am, just thinking about graduation today, and I have felt really anxious. Its bugging me, I should be excited. I mean, I AM excited as well, but there is anxiety and there is also a LOT of emotion. I think, in writing this, I have an idea why - this degree was my escape through my mums cancer battle. There were nights where I was so fucking scared that I was going to lose her and I just immersed myself in the writing to escape thinking and confronting those thoughts. Mum and I are really close. We talk several times a day, she knows all my secrets. The idea of losing her, if not to the cancer then just her mortality at all, was terrifying. One day, in her chemo cycles - chemo can affect you in terms of making you vague and out of it - I took the kids to visit for the day. Mum was playing with Finn, I had RJ in the study, settling her for a nap. The smoke detector went off, which happens for burnt toast there so I didn't react, it is a sensitive alarm. Suddenly, I heard my Mum just screaming... and thought to myself, 'oh man that's serious screaming' so I bolted out and I saw an eerie red glow, and then realised that the kitchen was on fire. She had left oil on the stove and it had caught. She forgot it was on. Chemo.

Anyway, she was standing there screaming for my dad who was outside somewhere. I had to take over, I just told her to get Finn out so she told Finn to go get my dad, Finn was 5!!! So he is running outside scared and crying calling for his pa... Mum was still screaming for Dad and just panicking, and the kitchen was still on fire. I said to her GO OUT AND COMFORT FINN. And I (thank GOD) found their fire extinguisher and start fighting this stupid fire, which when I squirted it, seemed to jump everywhere and make it worse. I started to freak out a little but just kept squirting the hell out of it all. I got it out just as dad came racing in. The smoke was so thick so quickly, and I remembered RJ was in the study, so I told dad it was out as I literally ran and got RJ out and then went and found and checked on Finn and calmed him... it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. It was an awareness that mum wasn't mum, that she had cancer, that this was reality. It was fucking awful. I had to take valium that night to sleep I was so distressed.

This is irrelevant, and yet not. I think, in graduating, I'm letting go of a bit of denial, and now that mum is okay, its still this confronting scary thing and letting go of a comfort or distraction or a denial is a little scary. Am I making any sense? I guess it is as though the masters was a bit of a security blanket because it blocked dealing with things. Now I have to give it up and its great... but scary too? And obviously, IVF was tough, pregnancy was intense, having a newborn is tough, and I did this degree through those too. So many times I wanted to give up. It took me almost a year longer than it should have. But I toughed it out, and I did it. And here I am. I'm proud of me, for this, more than anything else I have ever done. Big day. Overwhelming.


So, through a mix of emotions, today is a big one. I loved the study required to get me this qualification, I really, really, loved it, I feel I found my passion, it was a bonus that it helped me cope with other stuff - I am sure it is the same for many. So, yes I am tooting my own horn and bragging today, but I promise it won't last TOO long... Stay tuned to see how I am rewarding myself for the slog!

Here 'tis.

'Nuff said!

Masters = Done!

Ka loo Ka lay! Its finished, done, dusted. All that is left is to print and bind and post and masters is SUBMITTED. Ohhh the relief!

So it was late, I am so proud that I got it done through IVF, an IVF pregnancy, birth, newborn and Mums diagnosis and treatment... I STILL got the fucker done. I am going to do my head in for a few weeks now waiting for a mark. Honestly, if I just pass I will be stoked. I think I will. But then, I am actually unsure if and how I will be penalised for the lateness so we'll see I suppose!

I came up with a name for the fiction that I am happy with, and I think it is only fitting it is also an album name (TTP of course!) given the hours of music that I listened to writing. I am so over looking at it so i am just going to do one final read through then print!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exegesis is not an exegesis

How can I find a style guide on writing my exegesis when technically an exegesis is a bible essay thing? Why does my unit call it an exegesis then? And if it isn't actually an exegesis, what is it? It is not an essay if sub headings have been recommended. Is it a report? It doesn't contain data though. What the hell???!!!

Thinking about Mum

Today is Mums second chemo, does anyone know, is she likely to respond similarly to the previous one, or will there be like an accumulated effect and make it worse? Also, (and I should get these answers from the oncologist later anyway) but, could it be the Doxorubicin causing her pain in the chest around the heart kinda? I refuse to google this for fear of possible dodgy results. I should be patient and ask the experts shouldn't I?

I am feeling a little less affected by today than I was her previous session, but I admit I can think of little else right now than to think of her and where she is right now. I am trying but I can't focus on other things for very long. I did get that fiction finished last night, massive achievement. Only got the essay to revise (which will be a lot of work!) but then masters is done and I just have to wait and hope I pass.

Hmm. Focus lost again. I might try again later!

Masters Hell

I am sure it exists, and I am well mired in it. The masters hell. Where sleepless students sit screaming in agony and endless reams of empty pages torment souls.

How overdue is my masters you ask? ONE ENTIRE YEAR LATE. I am so bloody grateful and lucky that my supervisor is an empathetic, kind person who understood the pregnancy/newborn havoc and has given me a final chance to get the sucker done.

I want this, I remind myself daily, I chose this, and remember the vision of claiming that degree at graduation, of holding a masters degree. I want this. So why am I blogging and not revising???

I have one final set of revisions to make, both to the fiction element and to the exegesis, the fiction reviews are not too bad actually, and ought to be complete by the days end, but the essay needs hours and hours of work and research still to be passable.

I want this done by months end, if I can get the fiction done today, then that leaves 11 days to complete the exegesis, surely that is more than achievable? Then christ please get me OFF here and back to work so that I may leave masters hell forever... Or at least for two years because I really think I am addicted to study.

Yes, I am a nerd; out and proud too!

A boot in the butt

It is so strange, I received a comment on my blog last night and only yesterday I had it sitting open thinking I really ought to get back into blogging... so thank you Bec!!!

How are things.. god. life is shitful in many ways to be totally honest :( I feel very sad mostly at the moment. Firstly, Mum is undergoing chemotherapy, she has had one lot and is about to be tested (cell count) to see of round 2 can commence as scheduled or if she needs to put it off a little. The hardest part of this FOR ME, has been that I have not seen her since a week before her first hit as I have been sick for a week, this is killing me, I have this NEED to see her to know she is ok, photo today didnt help much honestly though she is trying to ease my mind, I need to see her and god do I miss her. I have spent the past week with gastro followed by a cold followed by a chest infection and because of her low immunity it is too dangerous to see her :( Its killing me. She is going okay, feeling better each day at the moment, but this is fucked. Cancer is fucked. I miss my Mum, and cannot see her for mothers day, thats fucked.

RJ is a new happy amazing baby, she was so much ahrd work for so long - until I realised the stress of everything with mum was drying my milk and she was hungry, once on formula she is a new baby but honestly, I literally cannot stop and think about that for more than 5 seconds as it devastates me. I love feeding, and did Finn 10 months and this time was like oh 12m easy, cant wait! No need to stop for clomid or so on! And instead 4.5 months. I am devastated, i really cant think about it or i get panic and upset.

Moving on.

She is happy and discovering everything at the moment, rolls over and reaches for everything including her feet lol, and loves the sound of her screeching voice so practices that as well, too cute. I am enjoying the new happier, settled babe :)

Finn is great, 5 and blitzing at school, assessment showed he is reading at 7yo level but needing a boost with maths, so much his mother! But he is happy and well.

Masters I have one more review of each section to do and once final edits are made I will submit and FINALLY be finished. This MUST be done by months end in my opinion... Over it so the sooner the better.

So.. its rough, stuff is rough, but my little unit pulls together and J has been amazing and we plug on.

Sorry...

Been ages between entries. So Miss RJ is here and is the devil in disguise... Finn was such an easy baby by comparison. Shes a bit of a bugger, lucky she is cute! She also has my big blue eyes, though hers are almost violet, very pretty. She sleeps not so well during the day but ok at night is the main thing.. she cried. A lot. Screams, even. Finn never did so thats a shock... lol. All good though.

Finns a gem still, honestly, no wonder i wanted more kids with him - he is magic. Smart, sensitive, sweet, funny and adoring of his mum - what more could I want?! He is just brightness that boy!

Been a tough time of it lately. Her carry on, finishing a now very overdue masters, and my Mum diagnosed with breast cancer. Ive never been so stressed or highly strung ever, not even during all the infertility stuff. This is hell lately. We'll get there though, we've no other choice. Strong!!! Ill be strong, I AM strong. And so is my Mum :)