On being deaf

For the past 5 and a half weeks now, I have had a blocked ear. I perforated my eardrum, and its taking a few weeks to heal. You think you can imagine being deaf. Even partially. You think that when you get a deaf ear for a day or so that you know what it is like, but I am telling you - you don't.

It really is debilitating. It impacts in so many ways you'd not even realise. The first 2 weeks the hearing loss was quite profound, I found that my sense of spatial awareness was warped, I paid for petrol and walked into a display of water bottles. The attendant probably thought I was drunk. I stood in the chemist smiling blankly, unaware my name was being called to collect my prescription. I was so embarrassed.

Because I was unable to hear, I avoided people. It was too embarrassing to endlessly say 'Pardon? pardon? pardon?' so I became socially isolated. I had no idea what was going on on television, unless I could turn subtitles on. My balance was a bit wobbly. I would hear a noise, and be unable to properly place it, nor it's direction - that was genuinely a scary feeling at times. I didn't know what was going on and whether i needed to be in fight or flight mode or not. People laugh or stir you for your mishearing. They think it is funny. Or, even worse, they get angry and frustrated that you can't hear them and have to keep asking them to repeat themselves.

My mother has been deaf in one ear for many years now. She often talked about the frustration and depression that she felt as a result of it. I always empathised, but I never truly understood until now. My ear is still not healed. It almost pops, but then not quite. I am scared I will never regain proper hearing, but it has restored substantially from those first few weeks, so I feel lucky anyway.

Funny how it can take actually walking a mile, to truly gain real empathy and compassion. I thought I was, now I know better. If someone has trouble hearing you, please, show patience, kindness, and understanding. It will mean a lot.

Mum

I don't blog a great deal about Mums breast cancer because its a fairly private thing, and she is very private also. But without going into details, it has been hard in lots of ways. Mum had a tough week this past week, so it was extremely gratifying to have a great old chat yesterday and really tap into where she was at, how she was feeling and feel as though as much as possible - I really understood and was able to convey that and make her feel understood.

In my own experience, that is fairly invaluable, when someone can truly "get it" and know where you are at, and right when you feel completely alone you suddenly see you are not. It can often save you. It often saved me - and my experiences are nowhere near that intense as hers are right now. Has that ever happened to you?

She and I are very close, she is the one who knows EVERYTHING about me. I can talk to her about anything and everything, things I cannot and would not talk to no one else in the world about, she hears! I am so lucky to have that, and it was really nice for me to be able to feel that maybe for once I could do that in return for her too. The woman is absolutely amazing. Honestly, the strength (cliche, I know, I am wincing even writing it) but really, its impressive stuff.

Halfway through the chemo now, then radiotherapy. After that, cancer can fuck right off for good.

Ramble ramble...

I have had a rough few days but I feel more in control again today. Mum is beginning to lose her hair the past few days, and is understandably pretty upset about it, I can't get my head around it, it is sure to be confronting and make denial difficult, it is all so very unreal, I can't quite grip the idea. It was difficult to explain to F, he is only 5, why Nanny will be bald. I said tat sometimes he hates his yucky medicine, but it makes him better so he has to have it and explained that was sort of how it was with nanny and that it also makes her hair fall out. He seemed to accept that and said it would be strange if she is bald and she might look like a man! True enough, she may mate! I prepare him that way so it is not a shock when he sees her is the idea.
She had cut it short, but has now shaved it shorter again but is unsure how long what is there will remain. She intends to be a hat wearer extraordinaire now.

F himself is home unwell today, puffy eye, bumped noggin and sore ear all unrelated, all in a week. Not good! RJ is well and snoring at the moment - due to wake any moment and I will be off again.

I am hiding from my masters, though it is staring me in the face, mocking me, begging for me to work on it, I foresee an all nighter on the horizon. WHY did I have to try and write 'literature' when popular fiction is so much more my style?! It is painful to try and do this, when I have just read the pile of shite that is the twilight phenomenon, the writing in that is really pretty shabby, yet she is rolling in it now. I could do that!!! Just need the discipline really.

My cough is getting better slowly, the sooner it is the sooner I can go visit Mum, hurrah!

J is good and working hard to keep the rest of us sane and well, poor bugger!



I feel lost.

A boot in the butt

It is so strange, I received a comment on my blog last night and only yesterday I had it sitting open thinking I really ought to get back into blogging... so thank you Bec!!!

How are things.. god. life is shitful in many ways to be totally honest :( I feel very sad mostly at the moment. Firstly, Mum is undergoing chemotherapy, she has had one lot and is about to be tested (cell count) to see of round 2 can commence as scheduled or if she needs to put it off a little. The hardest part of this FOR ME, has been that I have not seen her since a week before her first hit as I have been sick for a week, this is killing me, I have this NEED to see her to know she is ok, photo today didnt help much honestly though she is trying to ease my mind, I need to see her and god do I miss her. I have spent the past week with gastro followed by a cold followed by a chest infection and because of her low immunity it is too dangerous to see her :( Its killing me. She is going okay, feeling better each day at the moment, but this is fucked. Cancer is fucked. I miss my Mum, and cannot see her for mothers day, thats fucked.

RJ is a new happy amazing baby, she was so much ahrd work for so long - until I realised the stress of everything with mum was drying my milk and she was hungry, once on formula she is a new baby but honestly, I literally cannot stop and think about that for more than 5 seconds as it devastates me. I love feeding, and did Finn 10 months and this time was like oh 12m easy, cant wait! No need to stop for clomid or so on! And instead 4.5 months. I am devastated, i really cant think about it or i get panic and upset.

Moving on.

She is happy and discovering everything at the moment, rolls over and reaches for everything including her feet lol, and loves the sound of her screeching voice so practices that as well, too cute. I am enjoying the new happier, settled babe :)

Finn is great, 5 and blitzing at school, assessment showed he is reading at 7yo level but needing a boost with maths, so much his mother! But he is happy and well.

Masters I have one more review of each section to do and once final edits are made I will submit and FINALLY be finished. This MUST be done by months end in my opinion... Over it so the sooner the better.

So.. its rough, stuff is rough, but my little unit pulls together and J has been amazing and we plug on.

Tis the season...

... To be unwell. I got a cold 2 weeks ago, came on from the grief/stress of the failed IVF; as it started to ease, Finn hurt his arm and I got all stressed out about that and I ended up with a cough/chest infection as well. So its been 2 weeks of fairly heavy sickness. Have truly had enough, very very over it. Finn had xrays and such but was nothing serious in the end, just a strain of some sort and after a week it has returned to normal and he is using it again. Poor bugger had his vaccinations as well and has contracted my cough and cold, so hes had a tough time as well. Its been intense!

Getting ourselves ready for xmas, Finn wrote to Santa last week and asked for a drum kit. Santa, silly old fool that he is, has decided to grant the wish. Crazy! Still have a stocking to fill, and need to decide what he gets from his parents - minor thing. How many days have I got again? 18? Best get organised.

J and I are getting one another a ticket to Frank Woodleys new solo show next year. Not sure what else I will get him... His birthday is this week and I have his presents bought but now need to get paper to wrap them, card, something from finn etc. Would help if I was 100%, but it all feels like a super effort at the moment being this sick.

Finn and I are off to see The Wiggles next week. WAAAAY back at the start of this blog I wrote how I got tickets for us and my brother and niece. For some reason at the time, I was sad about our crap seats so bought 2 good seats as well, just from sheer frustration. I must have known something because brother bailed last week and I had to sell the 4 together (not quite making the money back :( ) - thank god I hung on to the 2 second row seats or I would have been really pissed off. We have gone the last 2 years and had front or second row as well, Finn loves it. Hes so wiggle mad. He is 4 now, so I think our wiggling years are not far from over, so best make the most of it!! It is always hectic though, so not looking forward to that part.

Looking forward to camping over xmas/new year down at Aireys Inlet. Need the getaway! Having fun buying new gear as well, its fun. I think the boys are having a test run in the backyard tonight, means I get the house to myself.. bliss!

My son is such a boy.

I am lazy so pasting a copy of an email to a friend sent today:

I am still cringing each swallow in pain, still unable to sleep for more than 30mins without waking because of a painful razorblade type swallow, and this morning I even threw up. What fun it is. Actually, it was sort of funny. When Finn has been sick in the past (actually just a big TMI gross warning for the next paragraph, skip ahead if need be); he calls it 'doing white' because, well, much milk does he drink. Anyhoo, this morning I said to him "oh god Finn I think I need to do white, can you grab me something" and he came racing back with a container for me (bless his cotton socks) and I proceeded to make use of it. With each hurl, I hear this chuckle and look to see he is like a audience member, on the end of my bed, watching with glee, giggling every time I hurl. He thought it was the best! Such a BOY. Sigh. Its very hard to be sick when you have someone finding it so fun to watch, let me tell you. He was lovely looking after me though.

So anyhoo, I've lost my train of thought entirely. I am feeling somewhat vaguely, maybe remotely better on some level of which I am unsure. I think. I wish and long for much sleep. I write in odd ways. I am delirious. With love, me xx

Sorry - will write soon. ish.

Still fricken sick as a dog with this agonising tonsilitis. It just will not ease up. I have so much to do, blind panic and not up to doing a thing. Have not slept properly in almost a week and am so exhausted. PLEASE let me get better soon :( :(

Argghh!!

Officially freaking out.

I have 2-3 weeks worth of fiction exercises and life writing exercises to do, am supposed to start posting 1000w x 3 reviews in draft form, I have life writing due next week and then other stuff in the 2 weeks following and I am so behind.

I am juggling a sick child, school runs, uni, family stuff, household chores and now I have tonsilitis and I only ever get that when am badly run down and stressed. I could cry!! I am freaking out.

Mum was going to come down tomorrow and take Finn for the day, but she can't, because SIL is in hospital with high BP and just a few days left til having her baby - another stress for me in itself.

I am tired and achey and just want to sleep but have so much to do. J - bless him - has offered to pay to get a cleaner in once a week or fortnight which would be a godsend. So whilst I have been sitting here with sick boy, and too sick to concentrate and spending too much time on Facebook, I thought I might as well do something useful, so have started researching and tracing my family tree. It is so very interesting. More on that next time, must make a start on at least one review draft. :(

Such is life

I hate being sick, its so depressing. Whats so hard about curing the common cold anyway? Come ON scientist type people. Bah.

Also, most people know I cancelled Italy, very happy with the decision, no regrets, only confirmations that it was right. I refunded Lea her deposit since it was my decision, even though I couldn't really afford to - it was the right thing to do. We're having a mini holiday in Tassie as a family in November, and then a week on the gold coast next March (ish). Looking forward to both!!

I think I will stay in bed today and sleep. ugh. Sore throat, tired, stuffy head... I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!!!!


ETA: It seems a disclaimer is needed. Please be aware at no time did Leanne ASK for a deposit or guilt me into giving it back, it was what I felt was right. It is obvious, I would think, that no one can easily afford to throw away $250 let alone a total of $500, but again, I felt it was the fair thing to do. Some have said a portion was fair, or a booking is made knowing stuff can happen, but this was what I decided, and my offer, because it felt like the right thing to do. I hope this is now ABUNDANTLY clear?! Good!