It is so strange, I received a comment on my blog last night and only yesterday I had it sitting open thinking I really ought to get back into blogging... so thank you Bec!!!
How are things.. god. life is shitful in many ways to be totally honest :( I feel very sad mostly at the moment. Firstly, Mum is undergoing chemotherapy, she has had one lot and is about to be tested (cell count) to see of round 2 can commence as scheduled or if she needs to put it off a little. The hardest part of this FOR ME, has been that I have not seen her since a week before her first hit as I have been sick for a week, this is killing me, I have this NEED to see her to know she is ok, photo today didnt help much honestly though she is trying to ease my mind, I need to see her and god do I miss her. I have spent the past week with gastro followed by a cold followed by a chest infection and because of her low immunity it is too dangerous to see her :( Its killing me. She is going okay, feeling better each day at the moment, but this is fucked. Cancer is fucked. I miss my Mum, and cannot see her for mothers day, thats fucked.
RJ is a new happy amazing baby, she was so much ahrd work for so long - until I realised the stress of everything with mum was drying my milk and she was hungry, once on formula she is a new baby but honestly, I literally cannot stop and think about that for more than 5 seconds as it devastates me. I love feeding, and did Finn 10 months and this time was like oh 12m easy, cant wait! No need to stop for clomid or so on! And instead 4.5 months. I am devastated, i really cant think about it or i get panic and upset.
Moving on.
She is happy and discovering everything at the moment, rolls over and reaches for everything including her feet lol, and loves the sound of her screeching voice so practices that as well, too cute. I am enjoying the new happier, settled babe :)
Finn is great, 5 and blitzing at school, assessment showed he is reading at 7yo level but needing a boost with maths, so much his mother! But he is happy and well.
Masters I have one more review of each section to do and once final edits are made I will submit and FINALLY be finished. This MUST be done by months end in my opinion... Over it so the sooner the better.
So.. its rough, stuff is rough, but my little unit pulls together and J has been amazing and we plug on.
A boot in the butt
Sorry...
Been ages between entries. So Miss RJ is here and is the devil in disguise... Finn was such an easy baby by comparison. Shes a bit of a bugger, lucky she is cute! She also has my big blue eyes, though hers are almost violet, very pretty. She sleeps not so well during the day but ok at night is the main thing.. she cried. A lot. Screams, even. Finn never did so thats a shock... lol. All good though.
Finns a gem still, honestly, no wonder i wanted more kids with him - he is magic. Smart, sensitive, sweet, funny and adoring of his mum - what more could I want?! He is just brightness that boy!
Been a tough time of it lately. Her carry on, finishing a now very overdue masters, and my Mum diagnosed with breast cancer. Ive never been so stressed or highly strung ever, not even during all the infertility stuff. This is hell lately. We'll get there though, we've no other choice. Strong!!! Ill be strong, I AM strong. And so is my Mum :)
Birth story
Throughout Friday night I slept as usual but was aware of some painful braxton hicks type contractions. I had had these before and it all fizzled to nothing, so thought nothing of it. They sort of hung around Saturday morning, and in the back of my mind I thought I had best keep an eye on them, but there was nothing obvious happening.
It was Finns Wiggles concert day (and Js birthday!) that he looks forward to ALL year, I was so worried I would go into labour during in it and have trouble getting to J and not ruining things for Finn. Was a major stress for weeks for me. I got my sister to come and spend the afternoon with me while the boys were gone so at least I wouldn't be alone should something happen!
She arrived soon after they left and we sat watching comedy shows on foxtel, eating yummy dip and bickies and giggling like sisters can! Was a good afternoon but as it wore on, the contractions became stronger and I was now cringing through them. They were irregular though, some 15 minutes apart, some 20 and some 30 and were short in length about 15-20 seconds mostly. So I was debating if I was in labour at all or prelabour and not entirely sure what was happening. It was a wait and see situation! My sister was nervous we'd end up having to do the logistical nightmare thing of finding Josh and so on.. but they just were not obvious enough to me, though I guess deep down I knew it was a bit different. I think I didnt want to get my hopes up though!
At about 6pm, J called to say they were grabbing dinner and were about 30 minutes away. Finn jumped on the phone to tell me that Anthony had come and said hello to them at the concert �€“ Anthony is Finns favourite wiggle so this was a HUGE deal but Finn told me it was his LEAST favourite part of the concert. LOL. A bit overwhelming for him I think!!! So I sent my sister on her way home and just as the boys got home, I had a show.
I said to Josh, I think this is it... And we sat down to eat. I got halfway through and thought no.. feel sick... so I called the hospital and said we're an hour away, when should I come in? Midwife said when contractions are 8 minutes apart. Mine were still 20 minutes apart then, so I called Mum and let her know things were moving and could she leave now to come and be with Finn please. She was aware I had been having contractions so was ready to leave, she is an hour away. By now it was 7pm.
Somewhere in the next 30 minutes, it all took off at a seriously breakneck speed. I went from cringe worthy, 20 minute apart contractions to toe curling really groan through 7 minutes apart contractions almost instantly. We called Dad to ask when Mum had left and he said only 5-10 minutes ago and we panicked. No way we could wait an hour for her, so we called the ever reliable heroine of the story �€“ Megan to the rescue. She dropped everything and came over in 20 minutes flat and we bolted out the door, contractions now 5-6 minutes apart and REALLY painful.I think it was really considerate that RJ waited until the boys were home from Finns special afternoon and then went for it the second they walked in the door!
I was gripping the handle of the car (the one thats at the top of the door?!) with full strength and pretty much screaming through every contraction and J was driving at 140kms an hour in pissing down rain �€“ both of us pretty much shitting ourselves now... By the time we were about 20 minutes into our 50 minute trip to the hospital I was screaming that I needed to push and he had to pull over and call an ambulance. So poor J had the mobile out swearing at it to work whilst driving in that rain �€“ too fast �€“ and looking for somewhere to stop. We were 2 minutes from the big BP/rest stop at Calder Park Raceway so we pulled in there and the ambulance was ordered. The 000 operator stayed with Josh on the phone until the ambulance arrived. Not sure how long it took but it felt like years. I was absolutely screaming every contraction and J was helping me breathe and relaying everything to the 000 operator who made him check each time if he could see the baby coming. Poor Josh. Everytime he looked with panic terrified he would see baby and need to deliver her but he didn't! His quote about that time is - what I have seen can never be unseen... - I have empathy, it was not pretty down there! My waters had broken at that point too - I was on a towel thank god! One that is now burned and gone never again to be seen or used... shudder...
The operator was getting him to find something to wrap the baby in if it came and telling me it was okay to push etc. I cant erase from my mind, the look on Joshs face throughout that wait - just a mix of sheer terror, stress, anxiety, fear... all of it. Just horrible. It really was scary.
Eventually he said to me I can see the ambulance lights, theyre coming... I was just saying I cant do this it hurts too much!!! And crying and screaming through every pain. I was not brave, not even a bit. I was so pissed off that I was nowhere near an epidural its not funny. J was great though, coaching me and encouraging me through each pain - Id say they were 3min apart then.
Most humiliating moment of my life was going from car to ambulance bed, naked in the middle of a busy BP/Maccas reststop. Take a bow Kell, everyone can see your bits. Charming!! Actually ambos were quick at covering me and I didnt give a rats arse because I was hurting too badly.
Ambulance was off and the only difference now was I was had happy gas - the green whistle! - im not sure it did much but it gave me a focus each contraction anyway. I swear it took YEARS to get to the hospital. I was swearing and the ambo was saying just pant. I was saying I CANT *^%$ING PANT I HAVE TO PUSH!!! He was quite unphased. laugh.gif
I just kept screaming and moaning through the pains and pushing because I had no choice, I had to push, it was overwhelming. Im sure they thought I was such a weakling but oh my lord did it hurt!!!! I heard the guy in the back with me say to the driver 'pull in here at emergency' and I thought he meant pull over because baby was coming out because I could feel the burning and change in the feel of the pain and knew it was about to happen. What he actually was saying was that we had reached the hospital and were pulling into the emergency department! Right as we were pulling in, RJ came sliding out and the paramedic caught her.
We stopped and I was just laying there wanting to know where J was and hoping he was right behind but he had lost the ambulance (they were flying by then through red lights etc). So I didnt see him for another 15-20 minutes. The midwives appeared at the ambulance bay since the paramedic had radioed ahead that we were coming. They cut the cord and RJ had cried almost immediately and was put on my chest. I vaguely remember asking if she was a girl and being told she was. I was laying there half out of it, saying silly things like 'i cant believe I just did that. Doesnt this only happen on tv?!' I dont think anyone even answered me, I was just so overwhelmed and shocked. I started to get the shakes about then.
They wheeled us in to a labour ward and tagged me and babe and reminded me I still had to deliver the placenta which I did soon after without drama. J came flying in all wild eyed but excited and got to have a cuddle with his new daughter and stealer of his birthday! He said he had passed the paramedics as he came in and he knew from his bouncing step and beaming face that she had arrived on route, LOL. He wasnt too upset at having missed her arrival, was grateful I think, that we had made the right call and gotten them in. Too close for comfort that he almost had to do it himself.
I was checked for tearing etc but was all fine, no stitches needed, and aside from the shaking (shock) was fine and needed no attention at all, as was Rory-Jane. She fed like a champion and we elected to go home the next morning asap. At one point, at about midnight, J and I looked at each other, our faces must have reflected the others same state of mind, just stunned and overwhelmed. J said its just not in sync, my head feels all odd. I said its because it was all so fast, our brains are still catching up! It was a weird feeling for sure. We called a few people, my poor Mum.. rofl... I called her about ten and said umm.. shes here.. Mum was like ALREADY?! I said yes.. back of an ambulance.. poor mum was most confused and shocked!
The hospital staff loved the story, RJ became the ambulance baby, and apparently the ambos were excited to have been involved in something positive and a genuine emergency for once. Was a big night for everyone!!!! She weighed 8.035 pound or 3728g (Finn was 3330g at 2 weeks earlier gestation).
We are both doing well, afterpains are a bitch, but she feeds well and Finn is absolutely besotted with her. He goes and chats to her while shes asleep and holds her little hand and each time her fingers do that baby grip on his hand, his little face lights up and he grins and says 'she wants to hold my hand!!' I overheard him telling her how happy he was to finally have another kid in his family. Precious... and last night he got upset at bedtime because he wanted to stay with her. I was reminding him she would be here in the morning... and every morning forever now!
For me, I cant believe I am sitting here babe asleep beside me at last. All that fighting, all that stubborness has paid off and we made it! Shes really there squawking and wriggling and snuffling. I cant believe it but god I am excited. I sent an sms to J when I woke up the day after she was born that said �€œI had forgotten how good this is... - its better than I remembered, hoped or dreamed. She was worth every single second of that hell, without a doubt. Yes im tired, sore and have no idea of some of the struggles that will be ahead, but there is no question I am so glad we did this!!!!!
38 weeks 4 days
I know this is a very self indulgent post, but indulge me if you will!
I wanted to get some things out of my very overwhelmed brain and try to gain some fresh perspective and maybe even a sense of calm and readiness for the week(s) ahead.
Today, one year ago, we failed our first IVF cycle and my period came. It was, I felt, the start of the REAL end for us. I was sure that if 2 embryos in wouldn't take, and we had struggled to even get those - that we were in real trouble.
This journey started January 1st 2004. Finn was 5 months old and we realised that since he had taken 2 years and clomid to conceive, we would likely have problems again, and we wanted a close age gap, so we started trying naturally. When Finn was 10 months old, we were able to start clomid again as he had weaned. But, it was slow, with a bad Dr who made us jump through all the hoops again the long way, despite our history. Eventually, we recommenced clomid and I stubbornly stayed on it well passed the time I ought to have stopped because I was refusing to believe it wouldn't work when it had the first time eventually. At the end of 2004, I had this dream:
(I dreamed there was a little girl who was about 5 and she was telling me not to give up, that I had to keep going or she'd never exist. She was my daughter, and her name was Olivia (not even a name we had considered). I told her not to worry, and promised I'd keep trying, and knew I had to now because otherwise she wouldn't be! And that just wasn't possible!)
- which at the time felt REALLY prophetic. Over time, I gave up on it, which hurt a lot.
Meanwhile, we had moved away and to Melbourne so a new doctor had to be found. We then started IUI treatment, and this was now 18 months of trying. We did 2 IUIs, both failed, one on Christmas eve of 2005 - a hard christmas for both J and I.
We wanted to try again but I was struggling badly with the emotion of treatment and having to drag a 2 year old Finn along to all the appointments and have him see me cry all the time with disappointment and frustration. The clinic was across the city and everything was difficult.
We decided we had had enough. Too much had gone to SO much trouble and effort for a child that it seemed would never exist, when the one we had was missing out on having all of us. So we made the excrutiating decision to end treatment and accept the end of our family.
The guilt, depression and horror of the next 18 months was beyond description. Honestly, it was literally the worst grief and pain I have ever felt. I was in a very dark and terrifying place. I lashed out at the world all the time and th ache was out of this world. I felt like I had killed that "Olivia" from my dream, that even though she had pleaded with me not to give up on her, I had, and as a result, she would now never exist. I had guilt for that, guilt at depriving Finn of a sibling, and anger the depths of which scared me. It was hell, pure hell.
After a while, i found some light, and started to find new things to fill my life. Writing, study, and rediscovering ME for ME. In September of 2007, our nephew was born which prompted an out of the blue discussion between J and I. Up until then, we had stopped speaking about it (aside from the times he would find me off having a cry over it sometimes when I discovered a reminder of my longing like Finns ultrasound photo or something).
Out of nowhere, we decided to return to treatment and this time, we refused to be stuffed around. Within a week we had an appointment at Melbourne IVF with a new fertility specialist, who immediately recommended we head directly to IVF and start immediately. It was a whirlwind, and we were excited to be back again, if not extremely scared... We felt IVF had to overcome all our issues and although taken aback to discover we would also be needing ICSI, hopeful for our chances.
First cycle we got 11 eggs, but only 2 embryos of low and average quality. Our second cycle we understimmed and had to be cancelled. We didn;t even get to retrieval and I was devastated. What had we gone back to? How difficult was this going to be, this was supposed to be the solution! I didn't expect it to be so hard, I must admit. And I didn;t realise until I endured it, how bloody hard an IVF cycle is to go through. I thought I knew, given all my years in the infertility world, but it was far harder. Our 3rd cycle we had 22 eggs retrieved and my mild/average OHSS was painful and took me a good 2 weeks to recover from. From those 22 eggs, we again only ended up with TWO embryos. I was crushed. I was so shocked and scared of going through more fresh cycles. It was so hard for us to even get TWO! We had to risk OHSS and go hard just to get two! Because of the OHSS the doctors wanted us to freeze all or only return ONE embryo when I had really wanted both. I had to decide on the spot and cried the whole transfer of one above average (not excellent) quality embryo was put in, the average frozen for later use.
I was certain it didn't work but insisted on a better progesterone support just in case... Maybe that was the key for me. Whatever the case, at 10DPO I got a positive test. I had tried to wait until 11 days, but mid morning I was a mess and just had to be put out of my misery again. So, I tested. I was shaking like a leaf and called Michelle to scream at her that it was positive. Both of us were shocked I think!!!
I had 4 of my best friends in on it from that first test, Megs who arrived early the next morning with decent brand tests and helped me check them and watched with me as a second line appeared. Amy and Emma who would inspect photos of 453 wee tests via email and tell me I was not hallucinating.. The poor girls have put up with SOO many TMI emails these past months!!!
The shock of the positive bloods, the 6 week scan that showed that fluttering heartbeat... I was terrified for the first 19 weeks. I couldnt relax and enjoy it at all. I spent the whole time petrified. At 19 weeks when we had the scan and discovered a "95% likely" girl, was the same day that I started getting daily, definite movements and I was able to relax and start to enjoy it - and to shop!
To hear no so many times, to be told FAIL FAIL FAIL NEGATIVE NEGATIVE BLOOD BLOOD so so so many times over 4 years, to try to adjust to success is really difficult. I still have trouble believing shes in there.
Freakily, Megan pointed out that between me having that dream, where she was 5 years old, and her being born is almost EXACTLY 5 years. The age in the dream. So everyone was convinced it would be a girl! We didn't go with Olivia though, because I had tied too much pain and emotion to it over the years, and I think she understands that :)
I have just under 2 weeks until she is due to be born. I cannot believe that I made it. That after SO much, we are truly almost there. Shes almost in my arms. I cant stop crying writing this! Healing! We fought so hard, and so determinedly and we bloody did it. Our babe is almost here, our family is almost complete. Finn is beside himself and always wants to chat about her, what will she look like, when will she come, what will she be like... Hes so excited about being a big brother. Seeing that side of him, that I always wanted for him, is priceless. Seeing J doing this nesting thing this weekend (LOL) and being excited makes me get tears... And feeling her move, cherishing these last moments of pregnancy and knowing this is likely the last time I will be here, feeling this miracle... its overwhelming. Its amazing.
We've almost made it.
Tagged!
The lovely Leila has tagged me!
1. It is your lucky day what are you going to do? If I am lucky, I am going to the races to place bets!!!
2. What was the game you played as a child that you almost always or always did win? No idea actually, probably not much... Yahtzee?!
3. You get to meet anyone from the past or present who will it be? John Paul Sartre
4. When you relax what is it that you do? Read and or write.
5. What is your favorite number? 7
6. What was the name of your favorite childhood toy? Annaleise, she was a lovely doll, I still have her but Finn drew on her face!
7. If you could name the next fashion fade/craze what would it be? Pfft. Trackys and comfy tshirts?
34 weeks 1 day
Soooo sorry for my absence. I think its just plan lazy. my hard drive did fry though so I have lost a lot of stuff, personal and otherwise. (Kirsten, if you read this, I have lost the link to the writing thing, could you email me it please!?) Thank god I had just emailed my supervisor my latest draft of my masters thing, or that would have gone too. I still haven't finished. The fiction is getting close (though if I hear how cliched it is once more I am going to scream.. even though she is right!) but barely started the exegesis. I need to get cracking I know...
Pregnancy stuff is going well. Actually, its great, starting to waddle and feel sore and tired and so on but still enjoying it. Not sure how time has flown the way it has! Her room is ready and I am almost ready... now we wait! We had a 4d scan done - too cute. Will see if I have a pic...
Cute huh?!
Not much else going on, just plodding along with everything. its been a weird few months.
25 weeks, 3 days
Daily movements since the scan have continued and are so very reassuring. Its really only been since that scan that I have believed I am pregnant, so to be 2.5 weeks off trimester 3 and only just feeling its begun is a bit of a bonus. I am sure it will vary over time though.
We bought a new car to upsize for babes arrival, a beautiful 2008 VR Limited Edition Outlander in white – has extras like mags, dvd player, extra airbags and seats etc. Its divine to drive, has an mp3 cd player so that’s a bonus also! Love driving it, the stereo system is awesome. Really thrilled with it! Also had my furniture delivered last week finally, so the nursery looks like a nursery. Once we put it together, the next day I filled it with all baby's clothes and then sat on the floor and looked around in awe and just sobbed that we had almost made it when I was so sure I would never experience that again. Was amazing and powerful and healing.
Have also seen that my U.S. nursery stuff has been shipped and left the U.S. so it ought to arrive this week which will be very exciting! My baby shower is this weekend so it will all look great just in time. My first baby shower that is, with the girls, I am having a family get together in a few weeks time. Neither is a real baby shower, shower, more just celebrations that we finally made it, with the people I love and who have helped me and supported us in getting here.
We have decided pretty definitely on baby’s middle name, aside from liking it as a name in and of itself, it is my Mum's middle name. I feel keen to honor mum as well. Without her help, we’d not have been able to even DO ivf, plus shes one of my best friends, and I talk to her about everything, and that means a lot to me. So it will be nice to do that as well as liking the name! I’d go with Mum’s first name, but it makes it a bit long, and too many similar sounds.
Little girl herself has been so active, except when I get Josh or Finn to try and feel then she goes quiet until they move. It is driving me INSANE! Josh felt a fair few last night which was good, but Finns yet to feel anything :(
Finn turned 5 and we had his party and so on, which went really well. He loved the trampoline and his dinosaur party, was pretty cool really. I cant believe he is 5 though! He really cant wait for the baby to be born, the morning after Josh and I had put together the cot etc, we told him to come and see and he was impressed but a few minutes later came to me in tears because he had thought we were going to show him the baby was in there. Bless. He was saying “do I REALLY have to wait until December?!” So cute. I have explained that when the baby is coming it takes a while to get it out so Mama and Dada will go to hospital and he will stay at a friends and then here with Nanny when she gets here, and Nanny will brig him in when the baby is born etc and he seems okay with all that (lucky!)
Went to another appointment at the hospital with a midwife when I was 21 weeks and it was awful! Midwife told me off because I didn’t bring results from bloods and scans myself and she had to chase them – not my fault their filing system is failing ffs!!! And then spent AGES trying to find the heartbeat and hurting me in the process for a good long time. Refused to even ASK about my GP’s request for shared care – yet I can see a midwife that’s got less idea?! Stupid!!! I grit my teeth and even though they want me back in a weeks time at 26w, I thought no way. I’ll go when it suits me, as little as I can get away with.
I saw my GP last week and filled her in, she was not impressed either, and was fine with me dong it my way. We decided I would go back there at 28w+ after my next basic GCT (not the long GTT again) and bloods to check iron etc that she is running. So thank god for her, shes on top of everything, is nice, is smart and I feel confident she knows her stuff. She finds the heartbeat in seconds too! :P I see her again in 2 weeks, not sure why so soon, but nevermind. I have the bloods and GCT in 3 weeks, and then a growth scan at 32/33 weeks ish.
I am feeling well physically, I measure ahead compared to Finn but have gained less weight and feel better physically aside from some minor indigestion and feeling permanently freezing cold with purple fingernails! Emotionally I have been a shambles the past 2 weeks or more and as a result have had colds and temperatures a bit. Just teary and sad like grief without knowing why. Strangely, when I read Finns pregnancy diary I was feeling the same then. I think its being lonely and bored and hormones making it all more pronounced. I’ll get by eventually…
