The worst nightmare I have ever had..

Last night I had a dream that today, I can't shake off. It was the worst dream I have had in my life, and believe me, I have had some doozies.
For some obscure reason, my son, who is 4, was convicted and sentenced to death because he had accidentally shot someone somehow. Insane I know, but it was a dream!
So I had to watch him be injected, and feel the panic, knowing he was about to die, and I couldn't reverse it. The panic and terror is indescribable. They told me he would start vomiting soon and then would die. I was holding him, screaming, looking for antidote, hoping vomiting would mean he would vomit the poison out. I feel sick just typing this and I am already crying.
I then said I had to leave the room, that I couldn't watch him actually die. But then I came back, and they removed the plastic hood from his head, and his face and lips, were all covered in sweat, from being in the plastic hood. And he was still, not quite dead.

Oh my god. i think I am going to go and throw up.

Its all over. For now.

And I am a postgrad! I have finished uni for the year and expect to pass the final assignments without too much stress, and so have satisfied the requirements for the Grad Dip of Literature. Hurrah!!

So when results come out they will process my articulation into the masters with the full advanced standing and I will have just 4 units to complete. I want to do them all in one in a research unit. That will require writing a 20,000 ish word fiction piece and a 4000 word exegesis. I can do that twice over on infertility with the interviews, diaries, and information I already have. But I feel like I should take the opportunity to challenge myself while I have support to do so.

Problem is, what to write about!? I am vaguely inspired, but also sort of not completely so. I have a few ideas, but nothing that is begging me to write. I just don't know what to attempt. I have to submit a proposal soonish to get into the research project, so I need to work it out NOW. I also need a Distinction average across 2 units, so waiting for my Fic B mark with baited breath!

Also, the unit chair that I enrol through, seems to be pushing me toward doing half semester 1 and half semester 2, but I want to do it ALL semester one (also an option); because if the IVF works, any of them; I could be pregnant and with a small babe semester 2! And if it doesn't work, then we could be onto cycle 3 or 4 of IVF and finding it increasingly difficult to cope with. Will see what happens when the prospective supervisor returns and it begins to take shape some more. I will put my case to them then.

I have loved this years study, it has flown. I have learned an enormous amount, and my writing has improved far beyond what I expected. Its been fantastic, I wish that I could keep going with it. The research will be good though. Anyone got some inspiration for me?!

Tough questions

So, we have already had the questions about why some people have brown skin, and the toughey about death. So the other day he asked if we could have a brown baby please. I had to explain that babies are a little bit of their mums and a little of their dads, and so, we could only have "skinny" skin (his term) babies. Someone asked how I would ever explain the answer to where do babies come from, given I will need to discuss science laboratories and test tubes.

Today, he piped up with "boys like girls and girls like boys." And, me being me, I decided to delve further. So I asked why he said that and got the usual "I don't know" response. I said that mostly that was the case, but not always. That sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls, it depends, we are all different... which then led to a discussion about how all our voices are different. Go figure.

He likes to give me the big questions, this child! Where does he get this stuff from?

Hmmm

Not sure what to make of this, its a bit odd. I was telling Finn a made up story last night about a King and a Queen and their daughter the princess. Anyway, at one point, I said that the King died. Finn asked why, and I said "Oh he just got very old, and thats what happens when you are really, really old!" And he got all teary and said that he didn't want to die, and didn't want Dadda or Mama to die. I replied that wouldn't happen for a long, long time, and that he wouldn't die for maybe 100 years yet! Lightened it sort of jokey etc.. But it disturbs me that A) he understands the concept of death enough to know its upsetting and B) is concerned about it.

He is 4. How is that even possible? I really don't know what to make of it nor how to address it. He hasn't really known anyone who has died. Funny little thing he is, far too intelligent for his own good! He was fine after it, hasn't been mentioned since, just interesting. Poor possum!

My Brother

It is only fair, after going on about my big sister, that I now go on about my little brother. If my sister and I argued as kids and are close as adults, Ray and I are the reverse. We had a close relationship as kids, and then as adults not so much. Or we do, but we both have to really work at it.

We clash. We are both tempestuous, fiery, hotheads. I have tamed and calmed mine over the years, maybe his will come. When he was a baby, he was doted on by Shell and I, this golden curly haired angelic little boy - so cute. We used to go to opposite ends of the hallway and call him to see which of us he would go to. LOL. And we'd make him choose whose "mate" he was going to be each day.

He met his now wife when they were just 14 or 15 at high school. They had a mostly on, but sometimes off again relationship and are now married with 2 children - a 1 year old and a 6 week old. He and his wife used to spend every new years eve with us when we lived in Warrnambool. It became a tradition, and we had many a good night! We all got along so well then. J and he were great mates and in fact, Ray was best man for J at our wedding.

I don't know when it all got hard. I don't know when it started being difficult and I don't know why. Maybe it was a result of Ray's temper and my infertility (and thus impatience, and low tolerance). I found out they were pregnant with their first child literally the day after a negative AC cycle and so their entire pregnancy was hard for me always thinking I could have been... It wasn't their fault of course, but it was hard. And hearing they were pregnant with number 2 fairly soon after was difficult as well. I think its put distance between us because they don't understand it, and I find it difficult. Add to that his temper and tantrums that I refuse to tolerate, and it makes a good relationship hard to maintain.

That said, I would do anything I could for them in a heartbeat, and I know he would do the same for me. We still love one another, and think a lot of each other. In fact, when I told him the other week that J and I had decided to return to treatment and give IVF a go, he was absolutely over the moon for us. That meant so much to me. He has a good heart, my brother, and would always do whatever he could for us, without hesitation.

I find sibling relationships interesting given Finn has none. I worry he misses out on the things that I have. I know they are no guarantee, but I feel he is being ripped off. Its hard to swallow. I think as a kid, you need an ally in the world growing up. Just gets me down a bit. Even if we have success now we are looking at 5+ years age gap and that might be too much to have any decent relationship anyway. I don't know. As adults it won't though, and thats important for when J and I cark it.

Ok, getting morbid now! I am really lucky to have the siblings I do. I'd not change either of them for the world.

My sister

I was surprised this week, when I told a friend my sister was coming to visit, that she didn't know I had a sister! I realised though, this is a good thing. I suspect I have mentioned my brother and our run ins before, and I hadn't mentioned my sister because we don't have run ins!

My sister is older than I am by 3 years. She is gorgeous... imagine growing up though, the ugly ducking (or at least the chubbier duckling!) with this goddess older sister. It was tough!! I know she reads this blog, but Shell, if you are reading, you are not allowed to mention this entry to me. I don't handle emotional mushy moments well, but I need to tell everyone how cool my sister is!

When we we were growing up, we shared a room until I was about 16. Oh my god. Sharing a room with my sister was just.. lets face it.. challenging. I remember when I was 14 and she was 17 and she was a social butterfly - aside from parties and the usual stuff, she was also doing debutante rehearsals and was involved in a play that had her rehearsing during the week as well. I actually developed a sleeping problem because I would work myself into a state trying to get to sleep, but knowing that even if I did, she would come home late, turn lights on, wander about the room making noise, doing her thing... oblivious to the fact that I was trying to sleep!!! Mind you, I also recall us both waiting til late at night, then sneaking a shared cigarette and opening the window and spraying perfume to cover the smell. (When Mum reads this we are SO busted!)

Once we got separate rooms (for some reason I had the power to choose which room I wanted, but she made me choose which when they were still at slab stage, because she wanted to bury something in the concrete in hers...) but from then on we got on MUCH better!!!

She was the cool older sister. She was popular, she was trendy, she was beautiful and she had LOADS of friends. This helped me out immensely, and my schoolyard stock rose in value just because I was her sister. No one would mess with me, and risk getting her and her friends offside. Very handy, let me tell you.

What was even better, was that when she got her licence at 18, and I was a lowly 15 or so, she included me. She and I would often get in the car and drive the 30 minutes to the closest McDonalds, get something from the drive through and then sit in the car in the carpark and eat it because we were too lazy to get out of the car and go and sit in. She would go and do things with her older male and female friends, and she would often let me tag along. I think I was at a weird place at the time with my own friends. My closest friend had started a serious relationship with a guy that I hated and who hated me, and I felt a bit lost. You know, to take your nerdy little sister with you and your cool friends and look out for her... at that age... I dont think many would do that. I was pretty lucky, and it meant a lot to me.

Rachelle and I are connected with rubber bands. Sometimes they stretch and we can go a little while without contact, and then we snap back and spend lots of time together. There is no question we adore one another. This is one special woman. She came to visit this week, and brought this enormous bunch of lillies for me. She "gets' the infertility stuff, and she always knows the right things to say to make me feel less alone, and more supported. She and Finn have a relationship that he doesn't have with anyone else in his life. Its hard to put into words... he absolutely ADORES her. He is completely smitten and thinks she is this magical, amazing, wonderful creature that was put on earth just for him to enjoy and love. Good old aunty LoLoshe!

I'd be lost without my sister. I really would! She takes care of me, she looks out for me. Not just as a nerdy teenager, not just as someone finding her way in the world, or having troubles conceiving.. she looks out for me in that way that only someone that is connected to your very soul can.

Bit of a ramble

Today I seem to be thinking a lot of the friend I lost recently. It has been almost 3 months now, the first month was weird and sad, then things improved a bit and today I feel sad again. Its because I had another dream about him last night. Just after he died, I had two really weird dreams about him. He had come to spend time with me/us (my sister and mum too) and always had to "return" to death I guess? at the end of the dream. The second one we just sort of hung out and chatted and spent time together. It was so good, because we had not done that in years which made the way I felt about losing him weird. I felt like I shouldn't be grieving someone I had not spent time with in a number of years. I felt stupid for it. But, he was someone I admired and respected a lot (again snort at my choice of words because our initial relationship was based on hatred!!)

Argh. this really is a ramble. All out of order!

When we first met, he and his brother and mates used to give me a hard time at school and i HATED them. Then when I was about 16, my sister became good friends with him, and I came home from school to find this bully in my house. Imagine how that went down!!! But god, he not only made up for it, he went the other direction. I remember he wrote me a long apology letter, and during my final couple of years of high school, he was like an older brother to me, at the same parties etc. Stirring me, but in a good natured way, and looking out for me.

Anyway, given I moved away after high school, I didn't see him much, but my sister did, and Mum was friends with his Mum, and often updated me on his latest. I was always interested in hearing about him, I cared about him. He was a cheeky bugger, funny, and a bit of a ratbag. I really did think of him as an older brother figure. Anyway in that second dream I had not long after the funeral where we spent time together I thanked him in the dream, for taking the time to do that for me, and said it had meant a lot to me and he said he was privileged to be able to do it. I dunno what that means, after life privileges?! I don't even believe in an afterlife, so it was weird. But comforting, and sad too. Because I missed him more.

Last night I had another dream, nothing much different. Less poignant, more normal. But today, I miss him again. And I just wanted to ramble a bit, and think about him, and remember him. :(