Oh dear. Am sitting here and the full realization of the end of infertility treatment has hit me, the hell that was the last 4 years is finished. I never have to do that again. I am free. I can't stop these body wracking sobs of relief.

The internet is evil (and other credit card traps)

Since discovering our wee baby is healthy and growing strongly, I have been overcome with a desire to shop. I am not really a big shopper at the best of times, I am generally quite conservative and not overly impulsive. But I have spent an astronomical amount of money this week, the mind boggles. I blame tax returns in part, another credit card trap along with the internet that one should be forewarned about. You know the money is coming so you spend up, and then the temptation to just go a bit over... bit more maybe... is just too easy. Oh but the fun!!!!!

So, this week I have purchased and am having imported an entire nursery collection (quilt, bumper, sheet, dust ruffle, nappy stacker, window valance, cushions, wall hanging, mobile, lamp, pram blanket, hamper, rug, basket liners and baskets) from the US all in the most adorable Swan Lake ballerina theme. Nothing I found here in Australia was as nice, and with the aussie dollar pretty much equal to the US at the moment, and no GST to factor in, it cost me the same as the set I had my eye on here in Aus that was gender neutral (and in the end, nowhere near girly enough...)

Now the bumper won't go on the cot, but I am wondering if it might not go around the inside edge of the change table, will have to experiment. Any ideas for the window valance thing that won't fit the window in the nursery but came in the pack? No doubt I can come up with some use for it.

I then attempted as reported earlier, to finalise my furniture laybuy, but there is a slight delay, so that should happen in the next 2 weeks. The furniture I posted once before is the Mali Euro cot and changer/robe. God, in 5 weeks I will be setting it all up. Imagine!!!!

I also discovered the EVIL website Janie & Jack - again American, again with far more beautiful clothes than anything I have seen here. Their prices are expensive (ish) but because our seasons are opposite, their end of season sales are perfect for us! So I saved a fair bit, made it a reasonable expedition. But it was SO hard not to get carried away. So many beautiful dresses... Remind myself I have a lifetime of dresses to buy. Must contain self.

I tried to laybuy some spare sheets and blankets, towels, grobag and muslin wraps but the website seems to be defunct so I need to start that again elsewhere. I did manage to score a bargain on a spare cot blanket I loved. RRP $50, it was on sale for $10. Super bargain!

Aside from that, I have also spent $400 on a trampoline for Finns birthday in 3 weeks, and sent off another order for some more party stuff. I still have a couple of little bits to get for the party but then its just the food. Almost organised but I feel tired at the very thought of it. Its only supposed to go for 2 hours, but how do you make people leave after that time?! I have made sure J knows he is going to be the one working hardest that day, its going to be exhausting!

And on top of ALL that, we have term 3 school fees to pay - over 1k - so I really HAVE to stop shopping. At least for a few weeks. Then I can start again. :D

Halfway Mark

I am halfway pregnant. How did this happen?! Its an awesome milestone to reach. The scan went well, growing well, everything as it ought to be - SUCH a relief. We also found out...

Very exciting. Feels more real now, I am glad we found out. My poor old bank account has copped a beating since though! Will update with pics of purchases shortly, been waiting ALLL day for the people to call me so I can organise my furniture to be delivered, but its getting ridiculous waiting for them to get their act together. very frustrating!

12 months

Passes very quickly. Cannot believe today is 12 months since my friend died. Still think about him often and miss him. Wherever you are, I hope theres peace.

Pregnancy stuff.

Thank you for the comments on my last post, I am sure each of you is right. Jaydee, I wonder WHEN that click over happens... I keep waiting for it! Kirsten, it is interesting you mention about ART and PND. I have always felt the two must have a close relationship, it just makes sense to me in many ways. I feel this time I am more likely to have AND and be depressed in the pregnancy, the after is what I am hanging out for. The pregnancy bit is just scary. Belinda, that is it exactly - waiting for something to go wrong and why? Because it always did with infertility. Even with the IVF our results were crappy in and of themselves in terms of egg viability etc... So I have come to expect things going wrong!

For example, I have started feeling very light and vague movements, not always certain its not a muscle twitch, but pretty sure most times. So after a particularly active day for babe Monday, it was very quiet Tuesday. I freaked right out. I spent all day and half the night (literally, until 3am) pushing and prodding my stomach, playing loud music to my stomach, desperate for ANY thing. My tum felt softer than usual, so babe was clearly at the back, but despite all logic, I just could not relax and accept it was okay. I cried for hours. Luckily, I had a scheduled doctors visit the next day (yesterday) and the doppler found a heartbeat almost immediately - of course. But even then, there was a little voice in my mind making what ifs (was it really the baby's heartbeat or something else...) I am sending myself insane.

Monday is our big deal 19w scan. Of course, another point for anxiety. In fact, I think thats why I freaked out the other night because I KNEW that the doppler was coming out the next day and Monday is scan day, and so knowing there were checkpoints ahead brings out the anxieties. So I am sure logically, Monday will probably go okay, but that doesn't seem to ease my fears. I have to try very hard to reign them in as best I can. Imagine if it goes well, I could actually almost begin to enjoy this! :O

I can feel my excitement building, I keep putting a lid on it though, I have to stop that. Finn certainly liked hearing the heartbeat yesterday, he was excited enough for all of us, bless!