Dinner time?

So I asked you your top ten songs and what books I ought to add to my must read list, now I want to know what is for dinner tonight? I need inspiration! Since RJ was born, it has been easy to rely on meal bases and easy to throw together meals. This is great, but I feel like cooking... so inspire me. What is for dinner at yours tonight, or what is your favourite meal to make?

Failing that, whats for dessert?!

5yo emo kid gonna rock on...

I just got F this:

From this site (< that's clickable). How much is he gonna love it?!

Infertility Flashback of a good kind

You know whats REALLY nice? I had some visits to this blog this week via Lost & Found. 6 months (almost) on from my IVF babe being born, and they still keep an eye on my blog and mentioned my masters completion. It would be easy to slide me out under the door now that I am no longer IVFing, or dealing with that hell any longer, but they don't.

That made my day. For my infertility blog reading mates who have not heard of it , Lost and Found is the most amazing thing in the internet world of infertility. Seriously. It is a HUGE blogroll of every kind of diagnosis and treatment regime imaginable, of every post/pre/during infert everything all sorted in pretty categories so that you can easily find people in your same boat. Not only that, they have people assigned to go about clicking on every blog in every category to ensure tabs are kept on where you are at and that at low points, or high points, of points of any mention - a link goes into a daily newsletter that gets sent out to everyone subsribed and they come cheer you up, congratulate or commiserate with you... it is fan freaking tastic. You are NEVER alone with that hell EVER again. Kick arse.

ETA my links dont look clickable, L&F is here: http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/ that is clickable!

Here 'tis.

'Nuff said!

Masters = Done!

Ka loo Ka lay! Its finished, done, dusted. All that is left is to print and bind and post and masters is SUBMITTED. Ohhh the relief!

So it was late, I am so proud that I got it done through IVF, an IVF pregnancy, birth, newborn and Mums diagnosis and treatment... I STILL got the fucker done. I am going to do my head in for a few weeks now waiting for a mark. Honestly, if I just pass I will be stoked. I think I will. But then, I am actually unsure if and how I will be penalised for the lateness so we'll see I suppose!

I came up with a name for the fiction that I am happy with, and I think it is only fitting it is also an album name (TTP of course!) given the hours of music that I listened to writing. I am so over looking at it so i am just going to do one final read through then print!


My emo 5yo is also kinda funny

My son cracks me up, where does he get some of his corkers from?! Yesterday we were watching an ad on tv for a mobile phone company and it mentioned free twitter access. Finn says to me, "you use twitter Mum I saw it on your computer. If you use twitter, does that make youuuuu... a twit?"

Erm. Yes, quite probably babe...

My favourite was when I was pregnant and J was telling him how amazing pregnancy was and he said to F "carrying a baby is the most special thing you can do!" F thought about it a minute and then replied with this gem - "Yeah... except for having a sausage sizzle at my school!"

Well, yes I suppose that IS quite a but more miracuolous than growing and sustaining HUMAN LIFE within your OWN BODY. Geez Kiddo!!!!!

He is so fickle as well, he thinks nothing of telling J or I that he loves the other more. Depending on current mood of course. He watches for the reactions too, the flicker of hurt on his parents face when he delivers the blow that he loves the other more today. I suspect he likes to experiment a little with human emotions and reactions, a little like his psych major mother, only more cruel...

He has his entire future mapped out. On weekdays he is going to be a teacher - possibly instructing on how to build fire engines but this is still being debated - On Saturdays he is going to be in a band like Greenday to perform and write songs. On Sundays he will be an astronaut. I said he would be so busy, and asked when I would get to see him and he said "Oh I will still come home sometimes. You know, for supper and stuff..."

He already practices the rockstar thing with true fervor, he has written songs this weekend called 'Life as a Farmer' ("you might love it but you might get siiiiiiiick of it!") and '4 different words' ("talkin about it!" - thats only 3 but thats simply ironic right!?). He performs them wearing a cowboy hat and singing into a stick. The kid rocks hard.

Honestly, all I can do is watch him with a gobsmacked look on my face somedays, the character he shows is just hilarious. I can hear him now, bossing his father around and telling him that he is not listening properly, and if he keeps it up he will go to his room (which F says is not our bedroom, thats mine alone apparently, J has been informed his room is the laundry). He is going to be such a handful as a teenager. And as an adult as well no doubt.

So long as I get to see my Teacher/Rockstar/Astronaut for supper and stuff.

My 10 favourite songs

Admittedly, I stole this from Wil Anderson's blog, but it is no easy task! Some of them are given's, but some were tricky and I bet I forgot heaps that I will later kick myself about. So what are YOUR all time ten favourite songs?!

1. Soulbreaking by The Tea Party
It just does something weird to me. It gets in my head and it connects to my soul. I know I sound freaky, I can't explain it!

2. Before the Lobotomy - Greenday
Okay so this is not actually really already in my top ten but I couldn't pick from so much GreenDay and this is my current fave so...

3. Waltz #2 - Elliot Smith
This one just has special meaning to me, and I adored Elliot Smith.

4. The Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley
Yes I know its stereotypical but at least I didn;t put Hallelujah down.

5. Rearviewmirror - Pearl Jam
because it ROCKS HARD.

6. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd.
Admittedly, the first time I felt this deserved a high ranking in it's message I was possibly high, but the feeling remains...

7. Forever - Vertical Horizon
This one is another with special meaning, it makes me think about my son and I and our freaky connection thing.

8. Imagine - John Lennon
Needs no explanation, just a bloody good song.

9. Bullet with Butterfly Wings - Smashing Pumpkins
The world really IS a vampire AND despite all my rage I am still just a rat in cage. Am I what!

10. Killing In The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine
Like Wil, it is the anger in this one that I love. I love anger. I loooove this song.

Ahh so many exclusions... killer.

Recommend me a book...

I am almost out of reading matter, this is a dangerous place for a book nerd to be. Please recommend me something to read. I will read almost anything if its a good enough tale! Fiction or non fiction, all welcome...

I am just finishing the Twilight series, I wanted to know what the fuss is about, I enjoyed the story, sort of, but its crap writing (IMO!) and the protagonists are mostly pains in the arse. But, I gave it a go, see what the fuss was, but.. meh.

I have just ordered The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas by John Boyne, one I have been wanting to read for aaaaages. Movies make me read as I refuse to see movies if I have not read the book first, the book is always better.

So what are you reading and whats the review? Help me out!

Exegesis is not an exegesis

How can I find a style guide on writing my exegesis when technically an exegesis is a bible essay thing? Why does my unit call it an exegesis then? And if it isn't actually an exegesis, what is it? It is not an essay if sub headings have been recommended. Is it a report? It doesn't contain data though. What the hell???!!!

Thinking about Mum

Today is Mums second chemo, does anyone know, is she likely to respond similarly to the previous one, or will there be like an accumulated effect and make it worse? Also, (and I should get these answers from the oncologist later anyway) but, could it be the Doxorubicin causing her pain in the chest around the heart kinda? I refuse to google this for fear of possible dodgy results. I should be patient and ask the experts shouldn't I?

I am feeling a little less affected by today than I was her previous session, but I admit I can think of little else right now than to think of her and where she is right now. I am trying but I can't focus on other things for very long. I did get that fiction finished last night, massive achievement. Only got the essay to revise (which will be a lot of work!) but then masters is done and I just have to wait and hope I pass.

Hmm. Focus lost again. I might try again later!

Masters Hell

I am sure it exists, and I am well mired in it. The masters hell. Where sleepless students sit screaming in agony and endless reams of empty pages torment souls.

How overdue is my masters you ask? ONE ENTIRE YEAR LATE. I am so bloody grateful and lucky that my supervisor is an empathetic, kind person who understood the pregnancy/newborn havoc and has given me a final chance to get the sucker done.

I want this, I remind myself daily, I chose this, and remember the vision of claiming that degree at graduation, of holding a masters degree. I want this. So why am I blogging and not revising???

I have one final set of revisions to make, both to the fiction element and to the exegesis, the fiction reviews are not too bad actually, and ought to be complete by the days end, but the essay needs hours and hours of work and research still to be passable.

I want this done by months end, if I can get the fiction done today, then that leaves 11 days to complete the exegesis, surely that is more than achievable? Then christ please get me OFF here and back to work so that I may leave masters hell forever... Or at least for two years because I really think I am addicted to study.

Yes, I am a nerd; out and proud too!

My 5 year old is a teenager

We finally went to visit my Mum yesterday, myself and the kidlets. She was so happy to see them after so long, and me too, and F was pretty accepting of her new look with the hat thing going on. He commented it was different but then moved on, and when we got home he was telling J and said 'do you know why?! tell him mum!!" and was all quite interested in it all but not upset which is great.

He decided he was going to play a game there, set up a party and off he went laying things out for a party, Nanny found him some party hats and poppers and such and then he calls us all together and says: "right! now, we are going to play a game, it's called 'spin the bottle' and if the bottle points at you, you have to go in a closet for 2 whole minutes!"

Cue 3 very gobsmacked faces.

"Um.. okay..." I say... "What on earth?"

"Actually," he goes on, "we might make it the study and then the people in there can read books, send emails, look at photos and all that kind of stuff, so make sure the bottle points at me a few times because I would like to do that!"

PMSL. After much thought, I recalled where this came from, he insists we remain on ABC past rollercoaster, and watch these 2 otehr shows, roman mysteries and the culprit here - Naturally Sadie. Perhaps I ought to more carefully monitor his viewing, though it is harmless really.

So, to recap, a 5yo emo who wants a blue mohawk, black fingernails and to play spin the bottle. Yep, I am a GREAT parent. :S

P.S. Happy Birthday, Kate xx

Greenday - 21st Century Breakdown

Today is a day I have been waiting for for 5 long years!!! The new Greenday album, 21st Century Breakdown has been released. Was a big act to follow - American Idiot was awesome - and huge.
Reckon they have done it though. I am only on my second listening but there is heaps to explore on it, and I loooooove that they have done it similar to American Idiot and its story of St Jimmy, this one is about Gloria and Christian and similarly to the formula of AI it has "acts" as well (Heroes and Cons, Charlatans and Saints, Horseshoes and Handgrenades); and has loads of rock, and some fantastic slower stuff too.

Initial favourites for me (aside from Know Your Enemy which I have listened to death the past few weeks!) are 21st century breakdown, peacemaker, 21 guns, East Jesus Nowhere, American Eulogy and See the Light.

I can't wait for F to get home and listen, and there is a special on Channel V at 4pm we want to watch, lol. He is Greenday mad, yesterday on the way home from school he said he wanted a birthday party at home again. "We'll see" was my response whilst thinking no freakin WAY too much work, did that last year! Then he said "I want it to be a Greenday party mum!!" Well now ya talking son, you bet your arse we can do that, rofl. Coolest 6th birthday party EVER. Alissa suggested invites written on cd's, guitar cake, backstage passes on lanyards for all the kids... Cool no!?

I am so worried their concert will be 18+ only, they are rumoured to be touring Dec-Feb ish, and Finn is desperate to go, as am I! Mind you, I did tell him if it was for grown ups only, I would take him and we would sit outside and listen. Obviously, we are not wanting moshpit tix but back in the stands rocking out with my 6yo who would no doubt have his blue mohawk as he often does... cool. Actually the other day as well as wanting to grow a mohawk that he colors bluw with blue gel, I caught him coloring his fingernails in with black texta. I have a 5 year old emo kid. Seriously. teehee. He saw these things on the Greenday DVD (Bible with a bullet) and emulates it all, wnts to BE Billie Joe Armstrong! He plays games with toys where he sets up these toy soldiers as BJA, Tre Cool and Mike Dirnt and holds a concert. Cutest thing ever.

So rock on people, very happy house here today, loving new GD!

My #1 TV hero... Stewie Griffin.

The little psycho freak is the BEST. The wit, the sarcasm, the acid smart arsedness... I aspire to be Stewie Griffin. The hate that he has for Lois is my hate for well.. most of the general world lately really. I know, I am a bitch, get over it.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Stewie (after tripping Peter): Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it.

Stewie: What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? (Smashes breakfast into wall.) Make it again!!

(Lois picks Stewie up and puts him in the baby carrier she's wearing) Put me down, you lazy skank!!

Ahhh so incredibly WRONG, political incorrectness at it's best. Stewie, I salute you!!!!

Body art - help!

Over the years I have given vague thought to inking myself up, but have never truly been keen and never really pursued the thought beyond vague ideas. But the one tattoo I did consider has grown and grown on me and I suddenly have a very strong desire to get it done.

I want it on my inner right wrist, and perhaps unsurprisingly given my bloggyness, I want it to be a cherry blossom branch, with either the word Natsukashii, the kanji for natsukashii or both.

These are designs of cherry blossom tatts I do like:

first design

second design

third design

(My finalised and inked tattoo can be seen here )

Only obviously smaller and wrist appropriate! You can read about my fascination with cherry blossoms and the word natuskashii in my blog entry from way back HERE. I had forgotten that even then the tattoo idea was brewing, well, you can't say I have not given it due thought!

If you can design art and want to have a go at a tatt design for me, PLEASE do so, but don't be offended if I don't ink it, it has to be perfect!!!

My #2 TV hero... Karen Walker.

Honey, what's that? What's going on? What's happening?

She is such a bitch, so cold, yet so freaking funny. Sarcasm is an understatement. She is the Queen. Wiki says - Karen has been described by Grace Adler as "a spoiled, shrill, gold-digging socialite who would sooner chew off her own foot than do an honest days work", and this statement just about surmises the character's personality. She is also a promiscuous borderline alcoholic with an often tenuous grip on reality and very few morals. She is good friends with Will Truman’s equally narcissistic best friend Jack McFarland.

Karen: You know what those rocks need? A little scotch.


Karen: Sorry, fruit, you're out of the loop.


Grace: Karen...I wanna ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.
Karen: Oh, honey. That makes me feel bad, try me!
Grace: Ok. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?
Karen: No. No, honey! That just means that people like having sex with Nathan and they don't like having sex with you!
Grace: I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.
Karen: Oh relax, honey I didn't mean it like that, of course I didn't! Listen to me! I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, ok?
I am that sensitive!!!

Karen: Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower, letting his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter.

About my understanding of it all as well...

And finally, my favourite Karen quote:
Karen: Vodka, it's not just a breakfast drink anymore.

Tomorrow meet my #1 TV hero...

Hippy style Parenting stuff

Controversial? ME?!

Okay so I used to consider myself a little bit hippy, I was into the breastfeeding co sleeping nocry sleep stuff. I still am, truth be told. With RJ, I have been unable to feed past 4.5 months which hurts like hell, and cosleeping has eased off as well as a result, the no cry stuff still happens now shes happier and we can do so.


Some of the really crunchy shit gets my goat. For instance, a friend of mine recently posted a link to this thing on 'birth trauma,' - seriously?! My understanding is that some are so upset at not getting the birth the way they wanted that its warranting the term 'trauma' - and mostly its because the medical profession got involved.

Now I don't get it. I can understand the word disappointment being appropriate here, but trauma?! Come on... if the worst trauma you experience in life is not getting to birth your kid the way you prefer then life is pretty rosy for you! The baby is here, healthy, you're alive, you are all well, suck it up!!! Focus on THAT not on sooking that its not how you wanted. Well, F wanted ice cream for breakfast and he didnt get it but hes over it. I just think, how can it be THAT big a deal!?

I am upset that I can no longer feed RJ, disappointed, angry, sad... but TRAUMATISED? no. I am traumatised by Mums illness. People are traumatised by serious crimes. Perspective?! Geez....

And what pisses me off further is this whole anti medical intervention crap, and the rude, insulting names that doctors are often called for intervening when it is not the patients first choice. If they did not and your baby DIED, would you then be angry they did not or glad you got your way? I don't honestly understand. And if you are unwell, who are you going to go to? Medical staff no doubt, and they will be a hero if they catch your cancer in time, or save your babes life yes? But intervening in your birth makes them monsters worthy of abuse.

Beats the hell out of me. Is it just me that doesn't get it!? Please explain!!!!! I am open to learning and understanding on this. Teach me if you think you can!

Ramble ramble...

I have had a rough few days but I feel more in control again today. Mum is beginning to lose her hair the past few days, and is understandably pretty upset about it, I can't get my head around it, it is sure to be confronting and make denial difficult, it is all so very unreal, I can't quite grip the idea. It was difficult to explain to F, he is only 5, why Nanny will be bald. I said tat sometimes he hates his yucky medicine, but it makes him better so he has to have it and explained that was sort of how it was with nanny and that it also makes her hair fall out. He seemed to accept that and said it would be strange if she is bald and she might look like a man! True enough, she may mate! I prepare him that way so it is not a shock when he sees her is the idea.
She had cut it short, but has now shaved it shorter again but is unsure how long what is there will remain. She intends to be a hat wearer extraordinaire now.

F himself is home unwell today, puffy eye, bumped noggin and sore ear all unrelated, all in a week. Not good! RJ is well and snoring at the moment - due to wake any moment and I will be off again.

I am hiding from my masters, though it is staring me in the face, mocking me, begging for me to work on it, I foresee an all nighter on the horizon. WHY did I have to try and write 'literature' when popular fiction is so much more my style?! It is painful to try and do this, when I have just read the pile of shite that is the twilight phenomenon, the writing in that is really pretty shabby, yet she is rolling in it now. I could do that!!! Just need the discipline really.

My cough is getting better slowly, the sooner it is the sooner I can go visit Mum, hurrah!

J is good and working hard to keep the rest of us sane and well, poor bugger!

I feel lost.

A boot in the butt

It is so strange, I received a comment on my blog last night and only yesterday I had it sitting open thinking I really ought to get back into blogging... so thank you Bec!!!

How are things.. god. life is shitful in many ways to be totally honest :( I feel very sad mostly at the moment. Firstly, Mum is undergoing chemotherapy, she has had one lot and is about to be tested (cell count) to see of round 2 can commence as scheduled or if she needs to put it off a little. The hardest part of this FOR ME, has been that I have not seen her since a week before her first hit as I have been sick for a week, this is killing me, I have this NEED to see her to know she is ok, photo today didnt help much honestly though she is trying to ease my mind, I need to see her and god do I miss her. I have spent the past week with gastro followed by a cold followed by a chest infection and because of her low immunity it is too dangerous to see her :( Its killing me. She is going okay, feeling better each day at the moment, but this is fucked. Cancer is fucked. I miss my Mum, and cannot see her for mothers day, thats fucked.

RJ is a new happy amazing baby, she was so much ahrd work for so long - until I realised the stress of everything with mum was drying my milk and she was hungry, once on formula she is a new baby but honestly, I literally cannot stop and think about that for more than 5 seconds as it devastates me. I love feeding, and did Finn 10 months and this time was like oh 12m easy, cant wait! No need to stop for clomid or so on! And instead 4.5 months. I am devastated, i really cant think about it or i get panic and upset.

Moving on.

She is happy and discovering everything at the moment, rolls over and reaches for everything including her feet lol, and loves the sound of her screeching voice so practices that as well, too cute. I am enjoying the new happier, settled babe :)

Finn is great, 5 and blitzing at school, assessment showed he is reading at 7yo level but needing a boost with maths, so much his mother! But he is happy and well.

Masters I have one more review of each section to do and once final edits are made I will submit and FINALLY be finished. This MUST be done by months end in my opinion... Over it so the sooner the better.

So.. its rough, stuff is rough, but my little unit pulls together and J has been amazing and we plug on.