I know this is a very self indulgent post, but indulge me if you will!
I wanted to get some things out of my very overwhelmed brain and try to gain some fresh perspective and maybe even a sense of calm and readiness for the week(s) ahead.
Today, one year ago, we failed our first IVF cycle and my period came. It was, I felt, the start of the REAL end for us. I was sure that if 2 embryos in wouldn't take, and we had struggled to even get those - that we were in real trouble.
This journey started January 1st 2004. Finn was 5 months old and we realised that since he had taken 2 years and clomid to conceive, we would likely have problems again, and we wanted a close age gap, so we started trying naturally. When Finn was 10 months old, we were able to start clomid again as he had weaned. But, it was slow, with a bad Dr who made us jump through all the hoops again the long way, despite our history. Eventually, we recommenced clomid and I stubbornly stayed on it well passed the time I ought to have stopped because I was refusing to believe it wouldn't work when it had the first time eventually. At the end of 2004, I had this dream:
(I dreamed there was a little girl who was about 5 and she was telling me not to give up, that I had to keep going or she'd never exist. She was my daughter, and her name was Olivia (not even a name we had considered). I told her not to worry, and promised I'd keep trying, and knew I had to now because otherwise she wouldn't be! And that just wasn't possible!)
- which at the time felt REALLY prophetic. Over time, I gave up on it, which hurt a lot.
Meanwhile, we had moved away and to Melbourne so a new doctor had to be found. We then started IUI treatment, and this was now 18 months of trying. We did 2 IUIs, both failed, one on Christmas eve of 2005 - a hard christmas for both J and I.
We wanted to try again but I was struggling badly with the emotion of treatment and having to drag a 2 year old Finn along to all the appointments and have him see me cry all the time with disappointment and frustration. The clinic was across the city and everything was difficult.
We decided we had had enough. Too much had gone to SO much trouble and effort for a child that it seemed would never exist, when the one we had was missing out on having all of us. So we made the excrutiating decision to end treatment and accept the end of our family.
The guilt, depression and horror of the next 18 months was beyond description. Honestly, it was literally the worst grief and pain I have ever felt. I was in a very dark and terrifying place. I lashed out at the world all the time and th ache was out of this world. I felt like I had killed that "Olivia" from my dream, that even though she had pleaded with me not to give up on her, I had, and as a result, she would now never exist. I had guilt for that, guilt at depriving Finn of a sibling, and anger the depths of which scared me. It was hell, pure hell.
After a while, i found some light, and started to find new things to fill my life. Writing, study, and rediscovering ME for ME. In September of 2007, our nephew was born which prompted an out of the blue discussion between J and I. Up until then, we had stopped speaking about it (aside from the times he would find me off having a cry over it sometimes when I discovered a reminder of my longing like Finns ultrasound photo or something).
Out of nowhere, we decided to return to treatment and this time, we refused to be stuffed around. Within a week we had an appointment at Melbourne IVF with a new fertility specialist, who immediately recommended we head directly to IVF and start immediately. It was a whirlwind, and we were excited to be back again, if not extremely scared... We felt IVF had to overcome all our issues and although taken aback to discover we would also be needing ICSI, hopeful for our chances.
First cycle we got 11 eggs, but only 2 embryos of low and average quality. Our second cycle we understimmed and had to be cancelled. We didn;t even get to retrieval and I was devastated. What had we gone back to? How difficult was this going to be, this was supposed to be the solution! I didn't expect it to be so hard, I must admit. And I didn;t realise until I endured it, how bloody hard an IVF cycle is to go through. I thought I knew, given all my years in the infertility world, but it was far harder. Our 3rd cycle we had 22 eggs retrieved and my mild/average OHSS was painful and took me a good 2 weeks to recover from. From those 22 eggs, we again only ended up with TWO embryos. I was crushed. I was so shocked and scared of going through more fresh cycles. It was so hard for us to even get TWO! We had to risk OHSS and go hard just to get two! Because of the OHSS the doctors wanted us to freeze all or only return ONE embryo when I had really wanted both. I had to decide on the spot and cried the whole transfer of one above average (not excellent) quality embryo was put in, the average frozen for later use.
I was certain it didn't work but insisted on a better progesterone support just in case... Maybe that was the key for me. Whatever the case, at 10DPO I got a positive test. I had tried to wait until 11 days, but mid morning I was a mess and just had to be put out of my misery again. So, I tested. I was shaking like a leaf and called Michelle to scream at her that it was positive. Both of us were shocked I think!!!
I had 4 of my best friends in on it from that first test, Megs who arrived early the next morning with decent brand tests and helped me check them and watched with me as a second line appeared. Amy and Emma who would inspect photos of 453 wee tests via email and tell me I was not hallucinating.. The poor girls have put up with SOO many TMI emails these past months!!!
The shock of the positive bloods, the 6 week scan that showed that fluttering heartbeat... I was terrified for the first 19 weeks. I couldnt relax and enjoy it at all. I spent the whole time petrified. At 19 weeks when we had the scan and discovered a "95% likely" girl, was the same day that I started getting daily, definite movements and I was able to relax and start to enjoy it - and to shop!
To hear no so many times, to be told FAIL FAIL FAIL NEGATIVE NEGATIVE BLOOD BLOOD so so so many times over 4 years, to try to adjust to success is really difficult. I still have trouble believing shes in there.
Freakily, Megan pointed out that between me having that dream, where she was 5 years old, and her being born is almost EXACTLY 5 years. The age in the dream. So everyone was convinced it would be a girl! We didn't go with Olivia though, because I had tied too much pain and emotion to it over the years, and I think she understands that :)
I have just under 2 weeks until she is due to be born. I cannot believe that I made it. That after SO much, we are truly almost there. Shes almost in my arms. I cant stop crying writing this! Healing! We fought so hard, and so determinedly and we bloody did it. Our babe is almost here, our family is almost complete. Finn is beside himself and always wants to chat about her, what will she look like, when will she come, what will she be like... Hes so excited about being a big brother. Seeing that side of him, that I always wanted for him, is priceless. Seeing J doing this nesting thing this weekend (LOL) and being excited makes me get tears... And feeling her move, cherishing these last moments of pregnancy and knowing this is likely the last time I will be here, feeling this miracle... its overwhelming. Its amazing.
We've almost made it.
I know this is a very self indulgent post, but indulge me if you will!
The lovely Leila has tagged me!
1. It is your lucky day what are you going to do? If I am lucky, I am going to the races to place bets!!!
2. What was the game you played as a child that you almost always or always did win? No idea actually, probably not much... Yahtzee?!
3. You get to meet anyone from the past or present who will it be? John Paul Sartre
4. When you relax what is it that you do? Read and or write.
5. What is your favorite number? 7
6. What was the name of your favorite childhood toy? Annaleise, she was a lovely doll, I still have her but Finn drew on her face!
7. If you could name the next fashion fade/craze what would it be? Pfft. Trackys and comfy tshirts?
Soooo sorry for my absence. I think its just plan lazy. my hard drive did fry though so I have lost a lot of stuff, personal and otherwise. (Kirsten, if you read this, I have lost the link to the writing thing, could you email me it please!?) Thank god I had just emailed my supervisor my latest draft of my masters thing, or that would have gone too. I still haven't finished. The fiction is getting close (though if I hear how cliched it is once more I am going to scream.. even though she is right!) but barely started the exegesis. I need to get cracking I know...
Pregnancy stuff is going well. Actually, its great, starting to waddle and feel sore and tired and so on but still enjoying it. Not sure how time has flown the way it has! Her room is ready and I am almost ready... now we wait! We had a 4d scan done - too cute. Will see if I have a pic...
Not much else going on, just plodding along with everything. its been a weird few months.
Daily movements since the scan have continued and are so very reassuring. Its really only been since that scan that I have believed I am pregnant, so to be 2.5 weeks off trimester 3 and only just feeling its begun is a bit of a bonus. I am sure it will vary over time though.
We bought a new car to upsize for babes arrival, a beautiful 2008 VR Limited Edition Outlander in white – has extras like mags, dvd player, extra airbags and seats etc. Its divine to drive, has an mp3 cd player so that’s a bonus also! Love driving it, the stereo system is awesome. Really thrilled with it! Also had my furniture delivered last week finally, so the nursery looks like a nursery. Once we put it together, the next day I filled it with all baby's clothes and then sat on the floor and looked around in awe and just sobbed that we had almost made it when I was so sure I would never experience that again. Was amazing and powerful and healing.
Have also seen that my U.S. nursery stuff has been shipped and left the U.S. so it ought to arrive this week which will be very exciting! My baby shower is this weekend so it will all look great just in time. My first baby shower that is, with the girls, I am having a family get together in a few weeks time. Neither is a real baby shower, shower, more just celebrations that we finally made it, with the people I love and who have helped me and supported us in getting here.
We have decided pretty definitely on baby’s middle name, aside from liking it as a name in and of itself, it is my Mum's middle name. I feel keen to honor mum as well. Without her help, we’d not have been able to even DO ivf, plus shes one of my best friends, and I talk to her about everything, and that means a lot to me. So it will be nice to do that as well as liking the name! I’d go with Mum’s first name, but it makes it a bit long, and too many similar sounds.
Little girl herself has been so active, except when I get Josh or Finn to try and feel then she goes quiet until they move. It is driving me INSANE! Josh felt a fair few last night which was good, but Finns yet to feel anything :(
Finn turned 5 and we had his party and so on, which went really well. He loved the trampoline and his dinosaur party, was pretty cool really. I cant believe he is 5 though! He really cant wait for the baby to be born, the morning after Josh and I had put together the cot etc, we told him to come and see and he was impressed but a few minutes later came to me in tears because he had thought we were going to show him the baby was in there. Bless. He was saying “do I REALLY have to wait until December?!” So cute. I have explained that when the baby is coming it takes a while to get it out so Mama and Dada will go to hospital and he will stay at a friends and then here with Nanny when she gets here, and Nanny will brig him in when the baby is born etc and he seems okay with all that (lucky!)
Went to another appointment at the hospital with a midwife when I was 21 weeks and it was awful! Midwife told me off because I didn’t bring results from bloods and scans myself and she had to chase them – not my fault their filing system is failing ffs!!! And then spent AGES trying to find the heartbeat and hurting me in the process for a good long time. Refused to even ASK about my GP’s request for shared care – yet I can see a midwife that’s got less idea?! Stupid!!! I grit my teeth and even though they want me back in a weeks time at 26w, I thought no way. I’ll go when it suits me, as little as I can get away with.
I saw my GP last week and filled her in, she was not impressed either, and was fine with me dong it my way. We decided I would go back there at 28w+ after my next basic GCT (not the long GTT again) and bloods to check iron etc that she is running. So thank god for her, shes on top of everything, is nice, is smart and I feel confident she knows her stuff. She finds the heartbeat in seconds too! :P I see her again in 2 weeks, not sure why so soon, but nevermind. I have the bloods and GCT in 3 weeks, and then a growth scan at 32/33 weeks ish.
I am feeling well physically, I measure ahead compared to Finn but have gained less weight and feel better physically aside from some minor indigestion and feeling permanently freezing cold with purple fingernails! Emotionally I have been a shambles the past 2 weeks or more and as a result have had colds and temperatures a bit. Just teary and sad like grief without knowing why. Strangely, when I read Finns pregnancy diary I was feeling the same then. I think its being lonely and bored and hormones making it all more pronounced. I’ll get by eventually…
Oh dear. Am sitting here and the full realization of the end of infertility treatment has hit me, the hell that was the last 4 years is finished. I never have to do that again. I am free. I can't stop these body wracking sobs of relief.
Since discovering our wee baby is healthy and growing strongly, I have been overcome with a desire to shop. I am not really a big shopper at the best of times, I am generally quite conservative and not overly impulsive. But I have spent an astronomical amount of money this week, the mind boggles. I blame tax returns in part, another credit card trap along with the internet that one should be forewarned about. You know the money is coming so you spend up, and then the temptation to just go a bit over... bit more maybe... is just too easy. Oh but the fun!!!!!
So, this week I have purchased and am having imported an entire nursery collection (quilt, bumper, sheet, dust ruffle, nappy stacker, window valance, cushions, wall hanging, mobile, lamp, pram blanket, hamper, rug, basket liners and baskets) from the US all in the most adorable Swan Lake ballerina theme. Nothing I found here in Australia was as nice, and with the aussie dollar pretty much equal to the US at the moment, and no GST to factor in, it cost me the same as the set I had my eye on here in Aus that was gender neutral (and in the end, nowhere near girly enough...)
Now the bumper won't go on the cot, but I am wondering if it might not go around the inside edge of the change table, will have to experiment. Any ideas for the window valance thing that won't fit the window in the nursery but came in the pack? No doubt I can come up with some use for it.
I then attempted as reported earlier, to finalise my furniture laybuy, but there is a slight delay, so that should happen in the next 2 weeks. The furniture I posted once before is the Mali Euro cot and changer/robe. God, in 5 weeks I will be setting it all up. Imagine!!!!
I also discovered the EVIL website Janie & Jack - again American, again with far more beautiful clothes than anything I have seen here. Their prices are expensive (ish) but because our seasons are opposite, their end of season sales are perfect for us! So I saved a fair bit, made it a reasonable expedition. But it was SO hard not to get carried away. So many beautiful dresses... Remind myself I have a lifetime of dresses to buy. Must contain self.
I tried to laybuy some spare sheets and blankets, towels, grobag and muslin wraps but the website seems to be defunct so I need to start that again elsewhere. I did manage to score a bargain on a spare cot blanket I loved. RRP $50, it was on sale for $10. Super bargain!
Aside from that, I have also spent $400 on a trampoline for Finns birthday in 3 weeks, and sent off another order for some more party stuff. I still have a couple of little bits to get for the party but then its just the food. Almost organised but I feel tired at the very thought of it. Its only supposed to go for 2 hours, but how do you make people leave after that time?! I have made sure J knows he is going to be the one working hardest that day, its going to be exhausting!
And on top of ALL that, we have term 3 school fees to pay - over 1k - so I really HAVE to stop shopping. At least for a few weeks. Then I can start again. :D
I am halfway pregnant. How did this happen?! Its an awesome milestone to reach. The scan went well, growing well, everything as it ought to be - SUCH a relief. We also found out...
Very exciting. Feels more real now, I am glad we found out. My poor old bank account has copped a beating since though! Will update with pics of purchases shortly, been waiting ALLL day for the people to call me so I can organise my furniture to be delivered, but its getting ridiculous waiting for them to get their act together. very frustrating!
Passes very quickly. Cannot believe today is 12 months since my friend died. Still think about him often and miss him. Wherever you are, I hope theres peace.
Thank you for the comments on my last post, I am sure each of you is right. Jaydee, I wonder WHEN that click over happens... I keep waiting for it! Kirsten, it is interesting you mention about ART and PND. I have always felt the two must have a close relationship, it just makes sense to me in many ways. I feel this time I am more likely to have AND and be depressed in the pregnancy, the after is what I am hanging out for. The pregnancy bit is just scary. Belinda, that is it exactly - waiting for something to go wrong and why? Because it always did with infertility. Even with the IVF our results were crappy in and of themselves in terms of egg viability etc... So I have come to expect things going wrong!
For example, I have started feeling very light and vague movements, not always certain its not a muscle twitch, but pretty sure most times. So after a particularly active day for babe Monday, it was very quiet Tuesday. I freaked right out. I spent all day and half the night (literally, until 3am) pushing and prodding my stomach, playing loud music to my stomach, desperate for ANY thing. My tum felt softer than usual, so babe was clearly at the back, but despite all logic, I just could not relax and accept it was okay. I cried for hours. Luckily, I had a scheduled doctors visit the next day (yesterday) and the doppler found a heartbeat almost immediately - of course. But even then, there was a little voice in my mind making what ifs (was it really the baby's heartbeat or something else...) I am sending myself insane.
Monday is our big deal 19w scan. Of course, another point for anxiety. In fact, I think thats why I freaked out the other night because I KNEW that the doppler was coming out the next day and Monday is scan day, and so knowing there were checkpoints ahead brings out the anxieties. So I am sure logically, Monday will probably go okay, but that doesn't seem to ease my fears. I have to try very hard to reign them in as best I can. Imagine if it goes well, I could actually almost begin to enjoy this! :O
I can feel my excitement building, I keep putting a lid on it though, I have to stop that. Finn certainly liked hearing the heartbeat yesterday, he was excited enough for all of us, bless!
I am currently during my latest pregnancy freak out, so bear with me. By freak out, what I mean is, worrying something will go wrong or has gone wrong undetected etc... It seems to happen after I start to get too close to believing it is real and enjoying it. Suddenly I find myself worrying and being scared and playing AC/DC through headphones to my stomach, even though I am not a fan, just because its loud, to get baby moving... And I have figured out why it is so. It may be obvious to everyone else, but it took a while to filter through the fear... Its that whole "this is too good to be true, something must be about to go wrong" thing. "This doesn't happen to us" etc.
I feel like its all a game. It doesn't feel real, its still are we are we not... even though I am almost 17 weeks now. It just feels like its all this maybe fun silliness, not real. When will that click over? Will it? I found myself in the midst of worrying last night (even though I had felt movements) hugging Finn, fighting back tears and thinking "I always have you kiddo" thoughts, which is what I used to do with negative tests and the like... I should be past that now, I shouldn't be thinking that way anymore. Am worried that the baby will arrive and I will be hit by this big scary unprepared for the reality shock and get PND or something. Was talking to J about it, and he is confident at some point in the next 23 weeks it will click, and I will believe it and so on. I hope so. Its still so scary, I wanted to enjoy it and instead I find myself either worrying, or wishing it away (eg I will feel better at the 6 week scan.. the 12w scan... when I get movements.. when the movement is more defined... past 26 weeks... etc etc). Need a big slap perhaps? Its just not the exciting and wonderful experience I sort of naively expected. I love it, but I spend most of it utterly terrified - and thats not fun! Need to just suck it up and get over it and force myself to be more positive.
Something I have just realised - the year Finn was born, we bought a fairly large xmas stocking - a felt one with patchwork type prints on it. I said to J at the time, we ought to buy 2, because we will need another soon (pfft, HA!) and this way they will match and won't be impossible to find!
I held onto that bloody thing for a good 4 years+ and came across it today in the garage. I almost burst into tears. I can finally use it!!!!!! I cannot believe I had it all this time, hoping, and that it will actually be used this year. Oh, my, god. Very special!
J and I are not at all religious. I was christened as a babe, he was not, but neither of us are church goers or remotely religious. I like to think I am spiritual, but I am not a fan of organized religion.
So, when Finn was born, we did not christen, baptise or otherwise him. We would have had a naming day type celebration, but at that time, we were still in Warrnambool, and family was a considerable distance. So we didn't do anything.
With child #2 on the way, I have been thinking about this again. I don't want to give it a naming day celebration that Finn didn't have, so I thought I might do something combined for them, of my own invention! This will be our last child, so it could be some sort of completed family type thing... And if we do, do we get some sort of 'replacements' for godparents. And call them something else.. guides? What? Something non spiritual, but I would like to have some kind of people each child knows they can turn to etc.
The bugs and fossil are from Hullabaloo Parties. Turns out they don't have the T-rex fossil in stock, so we are getting the stegosaurus and they are throwing in a t-rex in a tube (!) to compensate. Great service!
For the first year, Finn is set to have a proper birthday party this year. In the previous 4 years, we have just had a simple family BBQ with the aunties, uncles, grandparents etc. It was all Finn's favourite people and suited his up til now fairly shy demeanour.
This being his second year at preschool though, he has a few good mates, and has been to a few parties himself and so has requested he have one this year. I suggested a few themes, and he chose dinosaur, so dino it is!
Must say, am rather overwhelmed by it all. Its my first time throwing one and its a bit scary! I want it to be perfect... It won't be though! Bound to make some mistakes. Anyway, thus far are my ideas:
Dino cut out footprints leading up the driveway (assuming its not raining and soggifying them); a table of sand play in which I will bury a toy dino for each child to excavate. Pin the horn on the dino, pass the parcel, maybe some cardboard cut into dino shapes and craft things for each kid to decorate... That enough for six 5-year-olds? Finn is getting a trampoline for his birthday, so again, if good weather, is another activity they can do.
These are the invitations I have ordered:
They come with envelopes, magnets and seals. Also, matching cards that can be used as either tags for party bags, or thank you notes:
And matching napkins:
I also got the favor bags from the same collection, though they are not so obviously matching, I just thought they were so cute!
For the cake, we are going to hire a dinosaur cake tin, do a cadbury cake mix in it, and loads of colored buttercream icing. This is incredibly adventurous of us... wanted to order a bakery cake, but J wants to have a go himself... good luck to him I say!!!! For the top, have ordered these cute dino candles:
All the above are from Pink Frosting.
The other things I have already ordered from are a prize for each kid in pass the parcel, these gorgeous little "bug in a nut" things that wriggle when opened like real bugs: http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif
And to go on the food table as a decoration, for Finn to keep afterwards, this cool tyrannosaurus fossil:
Next week I will order the little toys to bury in sand, party hats, the worlds easiest party favours (comes with 2 dino toys, spinning top, activity sheet, and whistle per bag, just add lollies!!) and these really cool dinosaur masks for each kid.
Then its just food, sand to bury things in, balloons + helium, cardboard for craft, and pin the horn on the dino prize(s)... right?! I am exhausted already and there is still almost 7 weeks to go!
I laybuyed these the other day, love them! We went for a dark wood color since the nursery room is light colored pale blue painted:
And the change table/robe that matches:
And the following set, from which I bought most everything except bumper for the cot, curtains, wall border and peg shelf.
Few months before I get it all home, but that works for me while I get used to being pregnant! Cute though eh?
Yes indeedy I am. Up the duff, well and truly. IVF #3 was a success, though it really did not appear that would happen. I had no faith in the cycle working at all. The details are all over at My Face Tube, but in summary: Took ages to get the follicles growing, looked for a while as though the cycle may again be cancelled which was scary. Managed to get to egg retrieval, and many follicles joined the race at the end and 20 eggs were retrieved. I woke from anaesthetic feeling really crappy. They made me stay a lot longer than usual for observation but I conned them into letting me go eventually. I was bedridden for the better part of a week, aside from faking my way through transfer 2 days past the pick up. Transfer was devastating. I found out that from 20 eggs, we only had TWO embryos. They leaned heavily on me to only transfer one or nil, when I had felt I needed two in to have a real chance. The danger was that my hyperstimulation could become life endangering to me or babies should both embryos implant, because I felt so damn sore and sick I decided to go with head over heart and just had one embryo transferred, the other frozen for later use. I cried through transfer with disappointment. The retrieval had been so painful and to only have 2 and face the possibility of another stim cycle so soon was awful. A week later I was able to move around as normal, and was enduring the wait to find out if it had worked or not, but was assuming not.
At 10 days past retrieval, I caved and did a test mid morning. To my shock a second line appeared immediately, though faint (as it ought to be that early!) I was shaking, showing Josh, and he too could see it. Many more tests later and the same result. The next few days were surreal. blood tests confirmed we were pregnant, very much so. At 6 weks (4 weeks after I first found out), we had a scan and saw a tiny blob with a flickering heart beat. How on earth did this happen?! This doesn't happen to us, we fail here! My Doctor was stoked for us, which was lovely, and the next 6 weeks were awful. I was scared the whole time, full of fear, waiting for it to all go wrong. It didn't.
At 12 weeks, we had another scan, and there was our baby, legs kicking, arms waving, healthy and perfectly formed. 2 weeks later and I am just over 14 weeks pregnant, and to be honest, it still doesn't feel real. I am still finding to hard to connect. Four years of training myself to expect failure and negatives where conception is concerned is hard to change. It is really hard to adjust to the idea of potential success. I still have vague morning sickness, though improved from the horror it was at 7 weeks or so! Got a bump that feels like lying on a ball when I lay on my tummy. So far, it has all mimicked Finns pregnancy closely.
The downside is not being in Warrnambool anymore, where it was all straight forward and simple and great. Here, the care has been crap. I am booked in at the royal womens in the city, and I hate it. I wish I had gotten a private obstetrician but I am so clueless about things here being new to the area still - and having never expected to fall pregnant I never wanted to research it and tempt fate. Going to fight to do shared care with a GP here though if I can get my glucose test to go well...
So thats the update. Apologies in advance if this blog becomes the baby show a bit. Will try to still have some semblance of a normal life... but I never did before so why now!? Anyhoo... Till next time. :)
I am still about, just taking it easy for a bit. Will be posting regularly again soon, promise!
Our cat, Keven, does exactly this when put on a cat leash, so I find it hilarious!!!
Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!
Not that I am being negative, but I am beginning to think about life after IVF, this could be whether it is successful or not. I feel that having plans and dreams in the works will help when that time comes, particularly should it not be successful.
So, things I want to further pursue when I have my own time, money and resources back again:
* More writing, independent of uni deadlines - pure self motivation and determination!
* Consideration of still more post grad study (librarianship)
* Travel, starting within Australia, then heading abroad
* Return to Italian lessons
* Invest in good cameras both digital and film
* Create my own dark room and develop my own stuff - a lost art!
It is certainly a very rich life to envisage, an exciting one at that. I don't feel like giving up on the IVF at all, I am coping well and quite happy to see out our commitment of this year, but after that, I think I will be ready to move on and put all that behind us for good.
That's me. Lady. Finn has come out with a couple of gems this week.
Firstly, we were playing a game and I started tickling him and, as he calls it, "harassing and haranguing" him. He decided to get revenge, and before launching himself into a full body tackle, he piped up with: "Right!! Listen lady, I am gonna get you!"
I laughed too hard to resist the ensuing tackle!
Then yesterday, he wanted to draw me a picture. He was rather excited about the subject of his drawing, and as he raced off, full of excitement, to pen it, he exclaimed: "When you see this... Lady, you are gonna FLIP!"
Bwaahaahaa! So funny!
He has a uniform. Surely this is wrong. Its too soon! Given, he is not prep year this year, hes kinder equivalent (vic); but because he is at montessori, hes in cycle 1, year 2; and they all wear uniform in together (3 year levels). The uiform there is good, they have a range of colors, being monty the idea is they have a uniform but there is independence in that the kids can choose their colors from a huge range. Unsurprisingly, Finns gone for wiggles colors. Its too cute, but so sad too! When did he get so old? Sigh...
Speaking of him growing up, he has his first friend over for a playdate today. Currently, I have one belting the drums, and one playing the electric guitar. Christ. Noisy... But they love it! Finn is SO hyperactive, he loves having someone here to play with his age. This kid is the year above him at school,a s I said 3 years in together, but is tolerant of some of the younger behaviours Finn has, and they get along really well. So very sweet!
I know, I know. I now have 4 blogs. Its a worry, I am thinking of seeking out a blogger rehab, I am a likely patient.
I wanted to keep the infertility/IVF stuff separate to this blog, which is my main one, my little-bit-of-everything-mish-mash-jumble-of-life one. And so, myfacetube was born. Myfacetube the name, is a play on my space, facebook, you tube... combined would make a MINT, right? Just a bit of silly, for a more serious topic.
Then, the other day, I was looking at the photos Finn was taking and thinking what a cool perspective it is to see the world through a childs eyes quite literally. So I made a photo blog for his stuff: The Apple Reporter, based on a character he plays whose origins I am still to work out! (Hence the funny pic of him on that blog as the infamous apple reporter!)
Today I was browsing random blogs, as you do, and discovered the world of foodie blogs. Some that look only at restaurants etc. but I'd feel awkward going out for a meal and photographing it from every angle before, during and after eating (plus I'd always forget, plus we rarely eat out!) But I loved the cooking at home ones, and decided I might have a go at that too. Why not?! And so I added Eats at our Digs. Although, am yet to post in it, so we'll see if I actually do!
I heart blogging!
Introducing Jumbo, Finn's imaginary friend. He can grow to the size of Finn and shrink back down to the size of Finn's little finger in 30 seconds! He ALWAYS has a bath at the same time as Finn, and so I have to get Finn out, wrap his towel around him, then get Jumbo out, wrap his towel around him (extra amusing when hes little finger size!) and then send them both on their way. When Jumbo is small, he travels on top of Finn's head.
After one bath, Finn had moved on the bath mat and left wet footprints. I thought it would be fun and cute and clever to tell Finn they were Jumbo's - how amazing! Finn gave me a look that was both confusion and scorn and said "Mama, Jumbo is IMAGINARY, he can't leave footprints, those are mine!" Silly old Mama!!!
Sometimes he plays with Jumbo, and talks about him, but Jumbo is a fair-weather friend, only appearing when it suits Jumbo, not when Finn is REALLY bored and needing someone to play with. Not when it would be helpful, thats for sure!
So Jumbo, your presence would be welcomed these school holidays, in places other than the bath too! When I hear that "I'm bored.. what can I do?" (a new one for Finn admittedly) I can suggest he play with you! :P
I really have no idea where the concept came from. However, in this house, if you wear the 'x' - you're marked out as a loser. Somehow, Finn came upon the idea and he has taken it and run with it. In the past, its generally been J who has to wear the x. Usually because hes annoying or harassing Finn and it is Finn's form of retaliation. The wearer is shunned, outcast!
I recently had my first taste of being given the 'x' to wear. It was not fun. I was scorned, ridiculed and exiled. There was much pointing and laughing from the boys, much arm folding and hurrumphing from myself. It wasn't pretty.
So, being the mature, intelligent, adult that I am, I decided I would give Finn a taste of his own medicine. I wielded a texta and threatened the mark of the x. He scoffed at me, his laugh mocking and sort of saying 'thou art daring to place the mark of shame upon ME: the all powerful bestower of X's?!' I grabbed him and drew a beautiful, large, black X on his forearm, resisting his futile attempts at escape.
Well!!! How do YOU like it, sucker?! There were tears, there was a tantrum and there was much cruel laughter from myself. I kid you not, the tears flowed and the wearer of the X screamed the equivalent of 4 year old obscenities at me (e.g. "I am NEVER going to be your friend EVER AGAIN!") So J, softy that he is, scrubbed the offending X off and all balance was restored to the kingdom. I continue to snort and giggle under my breath. Revenge is sweet.
How hard does he rock?!!?
So, welcome to 2008, huh? Our NYE was very quiet, I slept through midnight. I am indeed, old and staid. I blame Finn's arrival, since that, NYE is just another night. Before that, I swear I was a party animal. Sort of. Party sloth? 2007 was a good year, a turning point for us, and I anticipate 08 being good to us too, its time. I can feel it!
Christmas was good, again fairly quiet. Watching Finn open his presents was awesome, he was pretty impressed and reacted well this year. When the sheet was thrown back from the drumkit, he got all teary: "It's exactly what I asked for!!" Bless! He was spoiled mad rotten, so much stuff. Need to sort through his toys again and pass some on, give some away etc. And tidy up his room. Its a shambles! J is making him a new storage cube which will help, I hope!
We spent boxing day driving down the Great Ocean Road to Airey's Inlet, where we camped a couple of nights. First night SUCKED. I knew we were in trouble when the 5 guys 2 sites over arrived with no fewer than 5 slabs and 5 bottles of bourbon. And yes, til 4am they yelled, sang, carried on generally. And yes, this brave (stupid?) woman that I am went over TWICE, alone, to tell them to STFU (politely). It worked for 5 minutes each time, but of course when one is drunk, one forgets fast.. A complaint the next day to reception worked and second night was blissfully peaceful. Finn had a ball at the beach and the pool etc.. We saw the Split Point Lighthouse and generally just relaxed. It was good, and needed. I suspect Finns highlight (aside from his first experience at a urinal as opposed to a loo: "Ooh a waterfall, can I touch it?!" NOOOOO!) was the friend he made at the caravan park playground. Maeve was a fair haired, sweet little girl a year older than Finn. She took him under her wing and they had a lovely time playing together. Chasey, Mums and Dads (innocently in a make-believe car trip to QLD all buckled in with doll and teddy babies) and general play... was so cute to watch!
I don't think I would rush back to camping. I enjoyed it, but we were lucky with weather, a beautiful 22-23 degrees. But, if hotter, there is no escape from the sun and if colder, you're trapped in a tent. Noisy in a park, but no amenities if not... I don't know. It was okay...
So J goes back to work on Thursday :( And Finn is not back at school until 4 or 5 Feb so he and I best get some plans made to stop us sending each other loco! He did get some cool learn to read books and stuff for xmas that we can use to keep his brain active which is good. I have started my writing project for next year, very excited about it! Just need some time to actually write it. We have had 5 days of 30+ temps here now, yesterday was 42! And it only got down to 27 overnight, so thats taking a toll at the moment. Cabin fever as we hide from heat, and tired and cranky: lots of fun as you can imagine. No respite for another week yet either, I hate summer!