I'm a master of the universe!

I wrote an email to one of my closest friends this morning, and decided to blog it. Today I am going to my graduation for my Master of Arts (Writing and Literature). I was just reading earlier entries in my blog tagged with masters. lol. I really did struggle to get here!


I have been awake since 4am, just thinking about graduation today, and I have felt really anxious. Its bugging me, I should be excited. I mean, I AM excited as well, but there is anxiety and there is also a LOT of emotion. I think, in writing this, I have an idea why - this degree was my escape through my mums cancer battle. There were nights where I was so fucking scared that I was going to lose her and I just immersed myself in the writing to escape thinking and confronting those thoughts. Mum and I are really close. We talk several times a day, she knows all my secrets. The idea of losing her, if not to the cancer then just her mortality at all, was terrifying. One day, in her chemo cycles - chemo can affect you in terms of making you vague and out of it - I took the kids to visit for the day. Mum was playing with Finn, I had RJ in the study, settling her for a nap. The smoke detector went off, which happens for burnt toast there so I didn't react, it is a sensitive alarm. Suddenly, I heard my Mum just screaming... and thought to myself, 'oh man that's serious screaming' so I bolted out and I saw an eerie red glow, and then realised that the kitchen was on fire. She had left oil on the stove and it had caught. She forgot it was on. Chemo.

Anyway, she was standing there screaming for my dad who was outside somewhere. I had to take over, I just told her to get Finn out so she told Finn to go get my dad, Finn was 5!!! So he is running outside scared and crying calling for his pa... Mum was still screaming for Dad and just panicking, and the kitchen was still on fire. I said to her GO OUT AND COMFORT FINN. And I (thank GOD) found their fire extinguisher and start fighting this stupid fire, which when I squirted it, seemed to jump everywhere and make it worse. I started to freak out a little but just kept squirting the hell out of it all. I got it out just as dad came racing in. The smoke was so thick so quickly, and I remembered RJ was in the study, so I told dad it was out as I literally ran and got RJ out and then went and found and checked on Finn and calmed him... it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. It was an awareness that mum wasn't mum, that she had cancer, that this was reality. It was fucking awful. I had to take valium that night to sleep I was so distressed.

This is irrelevant, and yet not. I think, in graduating, I'm letting go of a bit of denial, and now that mum is okay, its still this confronting scary thing and letting go of a comfort or distraction or a denial is a little scary. Am I making any sense? I guess it is as though the masters was a bit of a security blanket because it blocked dealing with things. Now I have to give it up and its great... but scary too? And obviously, IVF was tough, pregnancy was intense, having a newborn is tough, and I did this degree through those too. So many times I wanted to give up. It took me almost a year longer than it should have. But I toughed it out, and I did it. And here I am. I'm proud of me, for this, more than anything else I have ever done. Big day. Overwhelming.


So, through a mix of emotions, today is a big one. I loved the study required to get me this qualification, I really, really, loved it, I feel I found my passion, it was a bonus that it helped me cope with other stuff - I am sure it is the same for many. So, yes I am tooting my own horn and bragging today, but I promise it won't last TOO long... Stay tuned to see how I am rewarding myself for the slog!

Here 'tis.

'Nuff said!

Masters = Done!

Ka loo Ka lay! Its finished, done, dusted. All that is left is to print and bind and post and masters is SUBMITTED. Ohhh the relief!

So it was late, I am so proud that I got it done through IVF, an IVF pregnancy, birth, newborn and Mums diagnosis and treatment... I STILL got the fucker done. I am going to do my head in for a few weeks now waiting for a mark. Honestly, if I just pass I will be stoked. I think I will. But then, I am actually unsure if and how I will be penalised for the lateness so we'll see I suppose!

I came up with a name for the fiction that I am happy with, and I think it is only fitting it is also an album name (TTP of course!) given the hours of music that I listened to writing. I am so over looking at it so i am just going to do one final read through then print!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exegesis is not an exegesis

How can I find a style guide on writing my exegesis when technically an exegesis is a bible essay thing? Why does my unit call it an exegesis then? And if it isn't actually an exegesis, what is it? It is not an essay if sub headings have been recommended. Is it a report? It doesn't contain data though. What the hell???!!!

Sorry...

Been ages between entries. So Miss RJ is here and is the devil in disguise... Finn was such an easy baby by comparison. Shes a bit of a bugger, lucky she is cute! She also has my big blue eyes, though hers are almost violet, very pretty. She sleeps not so well during the day but ok at night is the main thing.. she cried. A lot. Screams, even. Finn never did so thats a shock... lol. All good though.

Finns a gem still, honestly, no wonder i wanted more kids with him - he is magic. Smart, sensitive, sweet, funny and adoring of his mum - what more could I want?! He is just brightness that boy!

Been a tough time of it lately. Her carry on, finishing a now very overdue masters, and my Mum diagnosed with breast cancer. Ive never been so stressed or highly strung ever, not even during all the infertility stuff. This is hell lately. We'll get there though, we've no other choice. Strong!!! Ill be strong, I AM strong. And so is my Mum :)

I'm so excited...

...and I just can't hide it!

I got approved into the research unit of my choice for next year! Hurrah! There are pretty strict entry requirements in that you need a Distinction average and formal approval and it took a while to hear back from the unit chair, but eventually I did indeed get approval and my enrolment forms into the Master of Arts (Writing & Literature) are being processed as I type. So exciting!

What this means is 20,000 words, as I chose to do one enormous unit, rather than split it over a year or do smaller ones. So its a challenge, thats for sure. 16,000 words of creative and 4000 critical. It will involved a great deal of discipline to make sure I write often and a lot, not leave it all til late. In fact, I already have an idea that I love, and am beginning to research it thoroughly.

Its a bonus that I have the summer before I officially start to play around with it and see if it develops okay before I commit to it as my idea/proposal. the idea is complicated, but has a lot of potential.

So right now, its back to researching 18th century England (one of a few time periods I need to look at!) Shine ya shoes, guv'ner?

Its all over. For now.

And I am a postgrad! I have finished uni for the year and expect to pass the final assignments without too much stress, and so have satisfied the requirements for the Grad Dip of Literature. Hurrah!!

So when results come out they will process my articulation into the masters with the full advanced standing and I will have just 4 units to complete. I want to do them all in one in a research unit. That will require writing a 20,000 ish word fiction piece and a 4000 word exegesis. I can do that twice over on infertility with the interviews, diaries, and information I already have. But I feel like I should take the opportunity to challenge myself while I have support to do so.

Problem is, what to write about!? I am vaguely inspired, but also sort of not completely so. I have a few ideas, but nothing that is begging me to write. I just don't know what to attempt. I have to submit a proposal soonish to get into the research project, so I need to work it out NOW. I also need a Distinction average across 2 units, so waiting for my Fic B mark with baited breath!

Also, the unit chair that I enrol through, seems to be pushing me toward doing half semester 1 and half semester 2, but I want to do it ALL semester one (also an option); because if the IVF works, any of them; I could be pregnant and with a small babe semester 2! And if it doesn't work, then we could be onto cycle 3 or 4 of IVF and finding it increasingly difficult to cope with. Will see what happens when the prospective supervisor returns and it begins to take shape some more. I will put my case to them then.

I have loved this years study, it has flown. I have learned an enormous amount, and my writing has improved far beyond what I expected. Its been fantastic, I wish that I could keep going with it. The research will be good though. Anyone got some inspiration for me?!

Oh so tired

I am exhausted. Emotionally drained! I have had a sick little boy for almost a week now, and we are all so over it. Nothing worse than him in tears because he is sick of being sick, poor love. Has missed 3 days of school now too and its the last week of term so thats shitful also. Admittedly at times like this I want to yank him out just to keep him well so the holidays are good timing in that sense.

Uni is going okay, I have 4 assignments left for the year (and grad dip will be mine!!!) - I have one in very early stages of info collecting, two half finished and one not even thought about. So not too bad really. Its just reviewing I have to think about now. Only received one mark back, so its a tense time not knowing how I am doing. It won't match last semesters marks, too much more is going on.

I am less motivated after only a 3 week or so break, as opposed to 3 months at years end, I had that tonislitis that knocked me out and have had Finn sick as well. Plus a bunch of other stuff to think about and so on, its just been hectic. No matter, so long as I pass. And I need at least a credit for Fiction to be able to do research to finish off a masters next year.

What else? Not a great deal. Just plodding along :)

Oh my!

So slack!!! Where oh where have I been? Not even anywhere interesting. Just here! Had tonsilitis which was a bastard, then spent ages catching up on house and uni stuff. Doing so-so with uni this semester, certainly not as well as last which is a shame, but life has been busier. Such is life!

My new nephew was born on Fathers Day, he is a tiny little thing, very sweet of course! Finn thought he was great and wanted to take him home. Was kinda hard explaining he wasn't ours to take home and why we didn't have a baby. Hard being the understatement to end all understatements. Hellish. But we're moving on from it all ok.

Friday night we went to the small mans first ever school concert. God, how cute was it!?!? Just gorgeous. I beamed from ear to ear the entire time, so proud!! Just a really cool experience. He was shy and nervous at first, grinning and cheekily waving at us, was into it by the end though, bless! Took some pics but none were great, took video also. Here is a pic though -



Today he and I went and spent a sunny afternoon in Lygon Street eating cake and icecream and catching up with Lalee girl. Was so good to see her, and Finn thought she was "mui loco", rofl. Well.. she is! :P Its why I love her!

Not much else, some... cool decisions and stuff afoot but not getting into it yet. All in good time. So.. anyone want to write a life writing thing for me because I am dreading it. Not real good at that, it is my big worry - for this week anyway.

Argghh!!

Officially freaking out.

I have 2-3 weeks worth of fiction exercises and life writing exercises to do, am supposed to start posting 1000w x 3 reviews in draft form, I have life writing due next week and then other stuff in the 2 weeks following and I am so behind.

I am juggling a sick child, school runs, uni, family stuff, household chores and now I have tonsilitis and I only ever get that when am badly run down and stressed. I could cry!! I am freaking out.

Mum was going to come down tomorrow and take Finn for the day, but she can't, because SIL is in hospital with high BP and just a few days left til having her baby - another stress for me in itself.

I am tired and achey and just want to sleep but have so much to do. J - bless him - has offered to pay to get a cleaner in once a week or fortnight which would be a godsend. So whilst I have been sitting here with sick boy, and too sick to concentrate and spending too much time on Facebook, I thought I might as well do something useful, so have started researching and tracing my family tree. It is so very interesting. More on that next time, must make a start on at least one review draft. :(

Pardon my fainéance

And admittedly, I did look to the thesaurus for that word. To save you hunting, it means I am: n. An irresponsible idler; a sluggard. Fairly accurate wouldn't you say?!

Anyhoo, so where have I been? Nowhere, really. Completely lacking in motivation and with naught to report is all. I am slowly slipping behind in weekly tasks for uni also, and need desperately to catch up but just don't seem to have the time when I DO feel like it, or the inclination when I have the time. This is not good. I did do an exercise for travel, and finished the assignment for same. I have an assignment due each week now for a few weeks and also need to be posting drafts for others. It is a tad stressful to say the least.

Yesterday I became godmother to precious baby Jack, which was pretty cool. It was a good day, and Megs outdid herself in all the finer details (cake, little gingerbread in the letters JACK to take home, she made the gown even, for goodness sake!) One very clever cookie that girl.

So, have I written anything? Not a sausage. Second semester is painful, the difference between 3 months and 3 weeks break I guess. I haven't even started any of the creative pieces for this semester. Sensing a touch of panic? Me too. Need to get these next three assignments out of the way. I swear I will work this week. At LEAST one assignment finished. Promise. Mostly.

And still this entry is scattered! Hopeless!

Master of the Universe!

I was rather excited to discover that the units I have decided on to finish my masters next year, are all available first semester. Initially, I thought I would need to spread the final 4 units over the entire year to be able to do units I wanted to actually do!

So, its all very exciting, though it will be a hectic semester. I am going to do research and reflection (explores the role of research in communications/arts field); an internship (no idea where yet) and a double weighted unit of a research project; which will basically be a creative piece and a related exegesis.

So this time next year, I will be a master of the universe! woot! All rather exciting, really. In the meantime I really need to get bloody writing on assignments that are due in 3 and a bit weeks. Fark.

Fic B week 2 exercises

Prompt: Skin…
Sensual and supple, soft and the power of touch so underestimated.
Skin against skin, the closest we can be. Wanting to be united, but
constrained to this touch.

Summarised: Warm. Powerful.

These ARE themes I am keen to write on. Or perhaps more what I want
my writing to be?



Ecphrasis
Jen looked out across the lake, she wanted to dive in, never to
resurface. It was so still, and so welcoming. She waded in, and
gasped at the cold, but forced herself forward. She turned her face
to the sky then fell backwards, the water catching her in a cold
embrace. She floated, staring at the sky, swirling her arms lazily to
keep her from submerging completely, but toying with the idea,
indecisive.

Summarised: An obsession with death.



What image comes to mind to write on now?
A teenage girl, on her back, in a bath, being held under the water by
a person who is ranting, violent, and psychotic. Her hair is spread
out in that strange floaty way, but she is not struggling against her
attacker. Her eyes are open.




Had some good feedback on them already, so that's encouraging. Why do I write violence and a sense of unease well? I always feel far happier with something like the above than I do when I try to write humour, romance or anything else.

This weeks uni catch up

Have to get my thoughts in order, bear with me, or skim over!! This will hopefully help me feel I am not as out of control as I feel.

Fiction B - week one notes complete, reading and writing journal started; week 2 notes out this week. Have started creative piece.

Life Writing - week one notes complete online, no record yet. Read Student Chronicles, would like to try and read Balanda also if time permits. Have to read 2 travel books first as both assignments due end Aug. Think about concepts of identity and self and memories etc relating to the memoir. Week 2 notes out wed night. Throwing ideas around re: creative piece.

Reviewing - week one task to map review sites. Have bookmarked several aussie sites under food, film and literature. No american, british yet. Needed? Week 2 task is to read first 2 readings and compare the opinions of reviewing role and of Peter Craven. Also to find a review thats strongly positioned in terms of reviews position in relation to readers. Do today. Wonder what assessment things are for this unit. I cannot remember at all! Note to self: Find that out. Not due til mid sep and end oct. She be right!

Travel - week one task was to read 3 pieces and discuss what makes good writing and what doesn't. Week 2 involves reading 5 readings and discussing how various techniques convey a sense of place and distinguishing myth and reality. This unit has a pack of intellectual wannabees using big words and generally annoying me with their desire to appear to be knowledgeable. This unit is going to piss me of as a result. There are so many fuckwits in postgrad, honestly, and this unit has most of them. Must read 2 of the texts for the assignment due in 5 weeks -ish at the same time as LW assignment is due. Look to borrow something less pretentious than Theroux. If possible..


Create folders on desktop, notes are mixing up. Sorry for the boring entry, my brain was going in circles, now I have direction. Cheers!

The ultimate reading sin

So, the new Harry Potter book is out, the finale, so to speak. Don't worry, I promise this post will contain NO SPOILERS.

But I did commit the ultimate book reading sin. I read the final chapter, first. People seem horrified when I tell them, aghast even. The way I see it, I could then not worry or stress about people ruining it and could know it for myself. I then read the book at my leisure and enjoyed it, there were still surprises!

I won't comment on my opinions of it in fear of ruining it for people. Aren't I kind?



So, this weeks life writing class had a task where we were to write about our most memorable family photograph. I wrote about one of we 3 kids in the bathroom brushing our teeth. My brother was about 2, me about 5, my sister about 7. I wrote how we used to pretend to be the "dribble man" when we rinsed. The dribble man was an old man we occasionally came across in the park, who, as the name suggests, dribbled a lot. How mean are kids?! We weren't scathing or hateful, just matter of fact, but still!!

I also wrote how being the only dark haired child meant the other two often told me I was adopted. Bastards. teehee. Kids are funny. So this semester I have to write a life writing creative piece. Initially, I thought I would write about when J and I had stuff going on and I was going to Italy and then found out I was pregnant with the boy... but it reminds me of all things negative, as interesting and spellbinding it may be as a tale! Now, I think instead that with the dribble man elaborated, the kidnap story etc I might make it about my childhood. I'll add in the lost at the shopping centre story too. Now to conjure up so more tales of that ilk...

Disorganized & Chaotic

That's where I am with uni at the moment! I am completely overwhelmed. I have too much going on and I have been unable to find my groove so far.

I did this weeks fiction exercise this morning - I had to write from the prompt "The door creaked open..." to flex and stretch the writing muscles a little. Then I had to discuss the normal me Vs the writerly me. The normal me is the person who seems harassed and rushed for time, reading a sentence here, writing a paragraph there in between "mama, can I please have..." and trying to get a million things done. The writerly me sees possibility and imagination everywhere. In a snippet of conversation I overhear at school, in the things that I read, see or say. There is a man in the town I live in, and he sits in his car at the bottom of our hill each morning, reading his paper for hours on end. He is generally gone by lunchtime - I cannot tell you the number of "stories" I have had in my mind about why it is so. The world is different through writing eyes.

I also then had to comment on stories from "The Best Australian Stories 2006" (ed Robert Drewe) and why they appealed, particularly what I found unique in ideas or innovations. I have to be honest and say some of the stories in there had me looking so confused and what the?!?! They were just WEIRD! (Will Elliot's 'Ain't no ordinary ham' comes to mind!) and I really liked 'Emily' by Daniel Wynne. But in terms of innovation and ideas, so far from what I have read, 'Loved her more than lettuce' by Gavin Carver was brilliant. Such an interesting protagonist and plot, so different to the usual read, I loved it (almost as much as I love lettuce!)

Writing is so subjective. What one agent or publisher hates, another may love. This makes me determined to succeed. I wouldn't get an HD in Fiction after just a few months of writing if I didn't have something there to develop, right? RIGHT!? It is also interesting to note that of the 3 stories I highlighted, 2 are by as yet unpublished authors.

I now need to go and read eleventy billion review sites. Not overly inspiring..

Sorted

Hi Kelly,
I have looked at my spreadsheet, and it definitely says 66 C for your grade, so I really don't know where the 34 came from. I'm terribly sorry that Deakin caused you such stress over the weekend (and a little worried about the results of others!). I've just filled in an 'Amendment to Result' sheet.
[Lecturer's Name]

Phew. Thank goodness, naughty Deakin! It was my worst unit so I was a little concerned! That sorted, I can get reading underway for semester 2. 1 down 8 to go. Oh, wait, I added another, "Reading autobiography: A guide for interpreting Life Narratives by Smith & Watson" - so 1 down, 9 to go. So why am I sitting here? Not in the mood for reading, thought its probably a good distraction. I find it interesting (?) that sometimes you give and give of yourself when people need you, then as soon as you could do with an ear, theres no one about (or they still talk about themselves and their issues). Why is it so??? No matter, such is life I guess. Luckily I do have a shoulder or two to use, I'll get by.

Stuff

Got an email from my lecturer last night, she assured me it was definitely an administrative error that she would confirm it Monday and sort it out for me. Thank goodness, a definite relief there.

Mum rang me yesterday with sad news. A friend of mine from high school times had died, he was only 32 and he had a heart attack. The weird thing was he had been at the Doctors about an hour before. What sort of incompetent quack saw him and dismissed it all??? I don't understand that. Anyway, I had not seen him in a number of years, he was more my sisters friend than mine, but we had some good times. We used to go to the same parties when we were about 17, 18. He would always look out for me a bit, which was nice. Sort of like what I imagined having an older brother would be like. His mum and mine are still very close friends, so Mum was called from where it all happened and went straight in. She said she went and saw him, afterwards, and said goodbye. That is always an eerie experience.

Bodies, dead bodies, are always so cold and heavy and empty. It's really strange. I am glad she got to say goodbye, they had a good friendship and I know he had a lot of respect for her, and thought highly of her. I think the funeral will be on Thursday. There will be a coroner's inquest given he saw the Dr so soon beforehand. I'm ok, as I said, I hadn't seen him for a number of years, but I always was interested in hearing what he was up to from mum. I always thought a lot of him. He and his twin brother and mates all come across as hard, tough blokes - but they're all really good guys at the heart of it.

Ugh. Just sad. Very, very sad. I'll feel your loss mate, but I can't help feel you finally have the peace that you tried so hard to find in life. :(

Bloody Hell!!!!!

How is this for worrying!?!?

My results were out today, the sms came through just after 530pm.

Erm. It says I failed Editing!!! 34, Fail. It says!!! I checked online at 6pm, same deal. Wtf?!!?! I emailed my lecturer and said given I got credits and distinctions for all my assignments, what the?! I am sure it is wrong, but still I can't help think, god did I miss an entire assessment piece or!?!? Bah! Not happy!!!

That aside, I did well for the rest! Ds and HDs. Woot! Thrilled to bits with that. Given its postgrad, full time and I have a child home with me all but a few hours a week - I rock!! Very happy.

Just fix the grade already! Argh!!

Good day!

Firstly, that cat video, I still piss myself laughing at the last one: "Why I eyes ya..." oh my god, I literally have tears EVERY time. rofl. Ok, breathe..

So, ever had one of those days that keeps getting better and better?! Allow me to brag. Firstly, I got an email from an old uni friend. Second one this week! I went to that schoolfriends site, and I am too cheap to pay to contact people so the 2 people I genuinely wanted to chat to again, I left these free buzz things... I dont know, theyre just a little standard message for free. Anyway, I also snuck my email address slyly into my profile, as did the guy I was contacting so I emailed him and had a bit of a catch up via email and msn. The memories flood back as though it was yesterday we were all living together on campus. They were definitely some of the best times of my life, for sure. Such brilliant memories, first time I smoked pot (and second and third...); berocca in vodka, hungover in lectures, climbing the Fletcher Jones tower, walking all the way from the gal (nightclub) back to uni because we had no taxi money....

Today I heard from one of the best girlfriends I had at the time, who I always thought was a top chick. So far just a quick one to check it was my email address, but hopefully will hear more from her soon, I can't wait to see what she has been up to the last eleven years! The piece of writing I have been concentrating on from last semester is set in that time and prompted it, so I really do feel like that time has just evaporated and I am going to wake up in room 5, manor 4 all over again!

Then I got my final piece of work for the semester back. My creative piece for my Fiction unit which was worth a whopping 70% of my grade (!) I had been having yet another crisis of faith in my ability, so was thrilled to see I got an HD. That gives me a HD overall for that unit too. Bloody brilliant!! I got kickarse comments too:

Kelly, a powerful, moving story, beautifully written and crafted and containing profound insights. this narrative is brave, daring and speaks what is often not spoken - and for many (including me) this is a quality that draws them to the reading of fiction: we want to read what doesn't get said in every day communication. In this respect, this work makes an achievement and does so in an aesthetically pleasing way.

Seriously - tf?!!? Thats such amazing feedback, am so excited! Inspiring, and the things that were highlighted for improvement I agreed with and knew something was not right with, so that was encouraging too.

THEN... a package was delivered. I thought it was something from ebay, but opened up a digital camera. I was emailing J and asking if he had bought it or what the? Thought it must be an ebay stuff up or something amiss... Found the envelope that came with it and J had won us a digital camera in some competition that came with the plasma. How funny, its better than the one we had! Stoked!! Takes a brilliant piccy! It also has a rechargable battery, meaning I don't have to spend a fortune on batteries anymore either. Bonus!

Great day!