Closing the door on negativity

Written 12 January 2007

Okay, so, the last 12 months I spent grieving my infertility, and inability to give my son a sibling. Lots of anger, lots of bitterness, lots of pain. Almost exactly 12 months after deciding to stop treatment, something just changed in my head.

I don't know what it was, nothing I can pinpoint, but suddenly I just knew that it was done. It wont ever be a clean break, I am sure I will always have moments - I will always be infertile. But I feel positive. I feel excited, and I feel hopeful, and those feelings feel like strangers almost!

I was able to grieve and be accepted in that grief, even though it was not a conventional loss, and I think that is what enabled me to find this peace. I am excited about the opportunities we will provide our son with, and I am excited about the things that are in my life right now.

I feel like I have to let go of the negative to make room for the positives that I know will come. I can feel them waiting, and so I feel like I am closing the door on it all. Its a bit scary, it has sort of defined who I am for so long. I feel like I am closing the door on the girls I still support with their infertility stuff too, but I am not. I just need to take a step back, and get some balance.

I feel like I am on the verge of big happiness, and I can choose to stay where its comfortable, in what I know, in whats familiar, even though mostly negative in its very nature. Or I can step off the cliff and find out what might catch me.

I think I am ready to jump.