I hate grief. With no "obvious" loss, I often fight it, because I refuse to understand that you can grieve for losses other than death. Does it scare you that I was a social worker and supervisor of 70 counsellors, for many years, too? I know these things, logically, yet I fight it.
Ever tried to fight grief? Not a smart move. Grief is coming, whether you acknowledge it and deal with it, or not. The peril of ignoring it is that it will hit harder. More impact, more force, more hell. The dilemma, with keeping your head in the sand for months on end, is that with other life stressors in the mix, you may find yourself tipped over the edge by something minute, and suddenly there is a black hole you can't get out of.
I have spent the last 10 months with my head firmly planted in the sand. I could not look acknowledge that my best friend and mum, had cancer. Was going through chemo. The fears that it will come back, that this all even happened, the emotions have been far too big to process. When they started, the depth would terrify me and I would shut them down. You can imagine that when you build a dam like that, the crack and outpour is always going to be inevitable, and far more destructive than an orderly stream.
So, I guess it all caught up. I've had 3 (interrupted) hours of sleep and I have cried myself inside out and back again. I have faced that demon, I've spent those hours in the blackest of hell, and the darkest of grief, and, thanks to a couple of understanding, forgiving and kind friends, I'm up again (Thank you Megs & Phil). I am beyond exhausted. I feel like sleeping for at least a week.
The upside is that from now on, it can only get better from here. Right???
Grief is a bitch.
Oh so tired
I am exhausted. Emotionally drained! I have had a sick little boy for almost a week now, and we are all so over it. Nothing worse than him in tears because he is sick of being sick, poor love. Has missed 3 days of school now too and its the last week of term so thats shitful also. Admittedly at times like this I want to yank him out just to keep him well so the holidays are good timing in that sense.
Uni is going okay, I have 4 assignments left for the year (and grad dip will be mine!!!) - I have one in very early stages of info collecting, two half finished and one not even thought about. So not too bad really. Its just reviewing I have to think about now. Only received one mark back, so its a tense time not knowing how I am doing. It won't match last semesters marks, too much more is going on.
I am less motivated after only a 3 week or so break, as opposed to 3 months at years end, I had that tonislitis that knocked me out and have had Finn sick as well. Plus a bunch of other stuff to think about and so on, its just been hectic. No matter, so long as I pass. And I need at least a credit for Fiction to be able to do research to finish off a masters next year.
What else? Not a great deal. Just plodding along :)
My son is such a boy.
I am lazy so pasting a copy of an email to a friend sent today:
I am still cringing each swallow in pain, still unable to sleep for more than 30mins without waking because of a painful razorblade type swallow, and this morning I even threw up. What fun it is. Actually, it was sort of funny. When Finn has been sick in the past (actually just a big TMI gross warning for the next paragraph, skip ahead if need be); he calls it 'doing white' because, well, much milk does he drink. Anyhoo, this morning I said to him "oh god Finn I think I need to do white, can you grab me something" and he came racing back with a container for me (bless his cotton socks) and I proceeded to make use of it. With each hurl, I hear this chuckle and look to see he is like a audience member, on the end of my bed, watching with glee, giggling every time I hurl. He thought it was the best! Such a BOY. Sigh. Its very hard to be sick when you have someone finding it so fun to watch, let me tell you. He was lovely looking after me though.
So anyhoo, I've lost my train of thought entirely. I am feeling somewhat vaguely, maybe remotely better on some level of which I am unsure. I think. I wish and long for much sleep. I write in odd ways. I am delirious. With love, me xx
Sorry - will write soon. ish.
Still fricken sick as a dog with this agonising tonsilitis. It just will not ease up. I have so much to do, blind panic and not up to doing a thing. Have not slept properly in almost a week and am so exhausted. PLEASE let me get better soon :( :(
