12 months

Passes very quickly. Cannot believe today is 12 months since my friend died. Still think about him often and miss him. Wherever you are, I hope theres peace.

Pregnancy stuff.

Thank you for the comments on my last post, I am sure each of you is right. Jaydee, I wonder WHEN that click over happens... I keep waiting for it! Kirsten, it is interesting you mention about ART and PND. I have always felt the two must have a close relationship, it just makes sense to me in many ways. I feel this time I am more likely to have AND and be depressed in the pregnancy, the after is what I am hanging out for. The pregnancy bit is just scary. Belinda, that is it exactly - waiting for something to go wrong and why? Because it always did with infertility. Even with the IVF our results were crappy in and of themselves in terms of egg viability etc... So I have come to expect things going wrong!

For example, I have started feeling very light and vague movements, not always certain its not a muscle twitch, but pretty sure most times. So after a particularly active day for babe Monday, it was very quiet Tuesday. I freaked right out. I spent all day and half the night (literally, until 3am) pushing and prodding my stomach, playing loud music to my stomach, desperate for ANY thing. My tum felt softer than usual, so babe was clearly at the back, but despite all logic, I just could not relax and accept it was okay. I cried for hours. Luckily, I had a scheduled doctors visit the next day (yesterday) and the doppler found a heartbeat almost immediately - of course. But even then, there was a little voice in my mind making what ifs (was it really the baby's heartbeat or something else...) I am sending myself insane.

Monday is our big deal 19w scan. Of course, another point for anxiety. In fact, I think thats why I freaked out the other night because I KNEW that the doppler was coming out the next day and Monday is scan day, and so knowing there were checkpoints ahead brings out the anxieties. So I am sure logically, Monday will probably go okay, but that doesn't seem to ease my fears. I have to try very hard to reign them in as best I can. Imagine if it goes well, I could actually almost begin to enjoy this! :O

I can feel my excitement building, I keep putting a lid on it though, I have to stop that. Finn certainly liked hearing the heartbeat yesterday, he was excited enough for all of us, bless!

Pregnancy after Infertility

I am currently during my latest pregnancy freak out, so bear with me. By freak out, what I mean is, worrying something will go wrong or has gone wrong undetected etc... It seems to happen after I start to get too close to believing it is real and enjoying it. Suddenly I find myself worrying and being scared and playing AC/DC through headphones to my stomach, even though I am not a fan, just because its loud, to get baby moving... And I have figured out why it is so. It may be obvious to everyone else, but it took a while to filter through the fear... Its that whole "this is too good to be true, something must be about to go wrong" thing. "This doesn't happen to us" etc.

I feel like its all a game. It doesn't feel real, its still are we are we not... even though I am almost 17 weeks now. It just feels like its all this maybe fun silliness, not real. When will that click over? Will it? I found myself in the midst of worrying last night (even though I had felt movements) hugging Finn, fighting back tears and thinking "I always have you kiddo" thoughts, which is what I used to do with negative tests and the like... I should be past that now, I shouldn't be thinking that way anymore. Am worried that the baby will arrive and I will be hit by this big scary unprepared for the reality shock and get PND or something. Was talking to J about it, and he is confident at some point in the next 23 weeks it will click, and I will believe it and so on. I hope so. Its still so scary, I wanted to enjoy it and instead I find myself either worrying, or wishing it away (eg I will feel better at the 6 week scan.. the 12w scan... when I get movements.. when the movement is more defined... past 26 weeks... etc etc). Need a big slap perhaps? Its just not the exciting and wonderful experience I sort of naively expected. I love it, but I spend most of it utterly terrified - and thats not fun! Need to just suck it up and get over it and force myself to be more positive.

ooooh!

Something I have just realised - the year Finn was born, we bought a fairly large xmas stocking - a felt one with patchwork type prints on it. I said to J at the time, we ought to buy 2, because we will need another soon (pfft, HA!) and this way they will match and won't be impossible to find!

I held onto that bloody thing for a good 4 years+ and came across it today in the garage. I almost burst into tears. I can finally use it!!!!!! I cannot believe I had it all this time, hoping, and that it will actually be used this year. Oh, my, god. Very special!

Alternatives to christenings etc

J and I are not at all religious. I was christened as a babe, he was not, but neither of us are church goers or remotely religious. I like to think I am spiritual, but I am not a fan of organized religion.

So, when Finn was born, we did not christen, baptise or otherwise him. We would have had a naming day type celebration, but at that time, we were still in Warrnambool, and family was a considerable distance. So we didn't do anything.

With child #2 on the way, I have been thinking about this again. I don't want to give it a naming day celebration that Finn didn't have, so I thought I might do something combined for them, of my own invention! This will be our last child, so it could be some sort of completed family type thing... And if we do, do we get some sort of 'replacements' for godparents. And call them something else.. guides? What? Something non spiritual, but I would like to have some kind of people each child knows they can turn to etc.

Help!

P.S.

The bugs and fossil are from Hullabaloo Parties. Turns out they don't have the T-rex fossil in stock, so we are getting the stegosaurus and they are throwing in a t-rex in a tube (!) to compensate. Great service!

Dino Party - Part 1!

For the first year, Finn is set to have a proper birthday party this year. In the previous 4 years, we have just had a simple family BBQ with the aunties, uncles, grandparents etc. It was all Finn's favourite people and suited his up til now fairly shy demeanour.

This being his second year at preschool though, he has a few good mates, and has been to a few parties himself and so has requested he have one this year. I suggested a few themes, and he chose dinosaur, so dino it is!

Must say, am rather overwhelmed by it all. Its my first time throwing one and its a bit scary! I want it to be perfect... It won't be though! Bound to make some mistakes. Anyway, thus far are my ideas:

Dino cut out footprints leading up the driveway (assuming its not raining and soggifying them); a table of sand play in which I will bury a toy dino for each child to excavate. Pin the horn on the dino, pass the parcel, maybe some cardboard cut into dino shapes and craft things for each kid to decorate... That enough for six 5-year-olds? Finn is getting a trampoline for his birthday, so again, if good weather, is another activity they can do.

These are the invitations I have ordered:


They come with envelopes, magnets and seals. Also, matching cards that can be used as either tags for party bags, or thank you notes:


And matching napkins:


I also got the favor bags from the same collection, though they are not so obviously matching, I just thought they were so cute!


For the cake, we are going to hire a dinosaur cake tin, do a cadbury cake mix in it, and loads of colored buttercream icing. This is incredibly adventurous of us... wanted to order a bakery cake, but J wants to have a go himself... good luck to him I say!!!! For the top, have ordered these cute dino candles:



All the above are from Pink Frosting.

The other things I have already ordered from are a prize for each kid in pass the parcel, these gorgeous little "bug in a nut" things that wriggle when opened like real bugs: http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif


And to go on the food table as a decoration, for Finn to keep afterwards, this cool tyrannosaurus fossil:



Next week I will order the little toys to bury in sand, party hats, the worlds easiest party favours (comes with 2 dino toys, spinning top, activity sheet, and whistle per bag, just add lollies!!) and these really cool dinosaur masks for each kid.

Then its just food, sand to bury things in, balloons + helium, cardboard for craft, and pin the horn on the dino prize(s)... right?! I am exhausted already and there is still almost 7 weeks to go!