Natsukashii: Pregnancy after Infertility

I am currently during my latest pregnancy freak out, so bear with me. By freak out, what I mean is, worrying something will go wrong or has gone wrong undetected etc... It seems to happen after I start to get too close to believing it is real and enjoying it. Suddenly I find myself worrying and being scared and playing AC/DC through headphones to my stomach, even though I am not a fan, just because its loud, to get baby moving... And I have figured out why it is so. It may be obvious to everyone else, but it took a while to filter through the fear... Its that whole "this is too good to be true, something must be about to go wrong" thing. "This doesn't happen to us" etc.

I feel like its all a game. It doesn't feel real, its still are we are we not... even though I am almost 17 weeks now. It just feels like its all this maybe fun silliness, not real. When will that click over? Will it? I found myself in the midst of worrying last night (even though I had felt movements) hugging Finn, fighting back tears and thinking "I always have you kiddo" thoughts, which is what I used to do with negative tests and the like... I should be past that now, I shouldn't be thinking that way anymore. Am worried that the baby will arrive and I will be hit by this big scary unprepared for the reality shock and get PND or something. Was talking to J about it, and he is confident at some point in the next 23 weeks it will click, and I will believe it and so on. I hope so. Its still so scary, I wanted to enjoy it and instead I find myself either worrying, or wishing it away (eg I will feel better at the 6 week scan.. the 12w scan... when I get movements.. when the movement is more defined... past 26 weeks... etc etc). Need a big slap perhaps? Its just not the exciting and wonderful experience I sort of naively expected. I love it, but I spend most of it utterly terrified - and thats not fun! Need to just suck it up and get over it and force myself to be more positive.

3 comments:

Anonymous 27 June 2008 at 3:19 pm: It does click over...eventually. The bad news is it never completely goes away. But it does get a lot easier, I promise. Now wasn't that nicer than a slap?
Anonymous 29 June 2008 at 9:23 am: I think it's pretty normal Kel. I think it's the reason (or part of it) that people who have protracted ART experiences are more likely to have PND - because they have this sense that you have, and they expect something else of themselves. Not that that's calculated to make you feel better is it? Anyway, go with what jaydee said I think. It will get better.
Anonymous 10 July 2008 at 9:23 am: I feel that what you are thinking and feeling is a defense mechanism Kell. You are too scared to let your guard down completely and convince yourself that everything will be ok, just in case something goes wrong. Which it won't!