38 weeks 4 days

I know this is a very self indulgent post, but indulge me if you will!

I wanted to get some things out of my very overwhelmed brain and try to gain some fresh perspective and maybe even a sense of calm and readiness for the week(s) ahead.

Today, one year ago, we failed our first IVF cycle and my period came. It was, I felt, the start of the REAL end for us. I was sure that if 2 embryos in wouldn't take, and we had struggled to even get those - that we were in real trouble.

This journey started January 1st 2004. Finn was 5 months old and we realised that since he had taken 2 years and clomid to conceive, we would likely have problems again, and we wanted a close age gap, so we started trying naturally. When Finn was 10 months old, we were able to start clomid again as he had weaned. But, it was slow, with a bad Dr who made us jump through all the hoops again the long way, despite our history. Eventually, we recommenced clomid and I stubbornly stayed on it well passed the time I ought to have stopped because I was refusing to believe it wouldn't work when it had the first time eventually. At the end of 2004, I had this dream:

(I dreamed there was a little girl who was about 5 and she was telling me not to give up, that I had to keep going or she'd never exist. She was my daughter, and her name was Olivia (not even a name we had considered). I told her not to worry, and promised I'd keep trying, and knew I had to now because otherwise she wouldn't be! And that just wasn't possible!)

- which at the time felt REALLY prophetic. Over time, I gave up on it, which hurt a lot.

Meanwhile, we had moved away and to Melbourne so a new doctor had to be found. We then started IUI treatment, and this was now 18 months of trying. We did 2 IUIs, both failed, one on Christmas eve of 2005 - a hard christmas for both J and I.

We wanted to try again but I was struggling badly with the emotion of treatment and having to drag a 2 year old Finn along to all the appointments and have him see me cry all the time with disappointment and frustration. The clinic was across the city and everything was difficult.

We decided we had had enough. Too much had gone to SO much trouble and effort for a child that it seemed would never exist, when the one we had was missing out on having all of us. So we made the excrutiating decision to end treatment and accept the end of our family.

The guilt, depression and horror of the next 18 months was beyond description. Honestly, it was literally the worst grief and pain I have ever felt. I was in a very dark and terrifying place. I lashed out at the world all the time and th ache was out of this world. I felt like I had killed that "Olivia" from my dream, that even though she had pleaded with me not to give up on her, I had, and as a result, she would now never exist. I had guilt for that, guilt at depriving Finn of a sibling, and anger the depths of which scared me. It was hell, pure hell.

After a while, i found some light, and started to find new things to fill my life. Writing, study, and rediscovering ME for ME. In September of 2007, our nephew was born which prompted an out of the blue discussion between J and I. Up until then, we had stopped speaking about it (aside from the times he would find me off having a cry over it sometimes when I discovered a reminder of my longing like Finns ultrasound photo or something).

Out of nowhere, we decided to return to treatment and this time, we refused to be stuffed around. Within a week we had an appointment at Melbourne IVF with a new fertility specialist, who immediately recommended we head directly to IVF and start immediately. It was a whirlwind, and we were excited to be back again, if not extremely scared... We felt IVF had to overcome all our issues and although taken aback to discover we would also be needing ICSI, hopeful for our chances.

First cycle we got 11 eggs, but only 2 embryos of low and average quality. Our second cycle we understimmed and had to be cancelled. We didn;t even get to retrieval and I was devastated. What had we gone back to? How difficult was this going to be, this was supposed to be the solution! I didn't expect it to be so hard, I must admit. And I didn;t realise until I endured it, how bloody hard an IVF cycle is to go through. I thought I knew, given all my years in the infertility world, but it was far harder. Our 3rd cycle we had 22 eggs retrieved and my mild/average OHSS was painful and took me a good 2 weeks to recover from. From those 22 eggs, we again only ended up with TWO embryos. I was crushed. I was so shocked and scared of going through more fresh cycles. It was so hard for us to even get TWO! We had to risk OHSS and go hard just to get two! Because of the OHSS the doctors wanted us to freeze all or only return ONE embryo when I had really wanted both. I had to decide on the spot and cried the whole transfer of one above average (not excellent) quality embryo was put in, the average frozen for later use.

I was certain it didn't work but insisted on a better progesterone support just in case... Maybe that was the key for me. Whatever the case, at 10DPO I got a positive test. I had tried to wait until 11 days, but mid morning I was a mess and just had to be put out of my misery again. So, I tested. I was shaking like a leaf and called Michelle to scream at her that it was positive. Both of us were shocked I think!!!

I had 4 of my best friends in on it from that first test, Megs who arrived early the next morning with decent brand tests and helped me check them and watched with me as a second line appeared. Amy and Emma who would inspect photos of 453 wee tests via email and tell me I was not hallucinating.. The poor girls have put up with SOO many TMI emails these past months!!!

The shock of the positive bloods, the 6 week scan that showed that fluttering heartbeat... I was terrified for the first 19 weeks. I couldnt relax and enjoy it at all. I spent the whole time petrified. At 19 weeks when we had the scan and discovered a "95% likely" girl, was the same day that I started getting daily, definite movements and I was able to relax and start to enjoy it - and to shop!

To hear no so many times, to be told FAIL FAIL FAIL NEGATIVE NEGATIVE BLOOD BLOOD so so so many times over 4 years, to try to adjust to success is really difficult. I still have trouble believing shes in there.

Freakily, Megan pointed out that between me having that dream, where she was 5 years old, and her being born is almost EXACTLY 5 years. The age in the dream. So everyone was convinced it would be a girl! We didn't go with Olivia though, because I had tied too much pain and emotion to it over the years, and I think she understands that :)

I have just under 2 weeks until she is due to be born. I cannot believe that I made it. That after SO much, we are truly almost there. Shes almost in my arms. I cant stop crying writing this! Healing! We fought so hard, and so determinedly and we bloody did it. Our babe is almost here, our family is almost complete. Finn is beside himself and always wants to chat about her, what will she look like, when will she come, what will she be like... Hes so excited about being a big brother. Seeing that side of him, that I always wanted for him, is priceless. Seeing J doing this nesting thing this weekend (LOL) and being excited makes me get tears... And feeling her move, cherishing these last moments of pregnancy and knowing this is likely the last time I will be here, feeling this miracle... its overwhelming. Its amazing.

We've almost made it.

Tagged!

The lovely Leila has tagged me!

1. It is your lucky day what are you going to do? If I am lucky, I am going to the races to place bets!!!


2. What was the game you played as a child that you almost always or always did win? No idea actually, probably not much... Yahtzee?!


3. You get to meet anyone from the past or present who will it be? John Paul Sartre


4. When you relax what is it that you do? Read and or write.


5. What is your favorite number? 7


6. What was the name of your favorite childhood toy? Annaleise, she was a lovely doll, I still have her but Finn drew on her face!


7. If you could name the next fashion fade/craze what would it be? Pfft. Trackys and comfy tshirts?

34 weeks 1 day

Soooo sorry for my absence. I think its just plan lazy. my hard drive did fry though so I have lost a lot of stuff, personal and otherwise. (Kirsten, if you read this, I have lost the link to the writing thing, could you email me it please!?) Thank god I had just emailed my supervisor my latest draft of my masters thing, or that would have gone too. I still haven't finished. The fiction is getting close (though if I hear how cliched it is once more I am going to scream.. even though she is right!) but barely started the exegesis. I need to get cracking I know...

Pregnancy stuff is going well. Actually, its great, starting to waddle and feel sore and tired and so on but still enjoying it. Not sure how time has flown the way it has! Her room is ready and I am almost ready... now we wait! We had a 4d scan done - too cute. Will see if I have a pic...



Cute huh?!

Not much else going on, just plodding along with everything. its been a weird few months.

25 weeks, 3 days

Daily movements since the scan have continued and are so very reassuring. Its really only been since that scan that I have believed I am pregnant, so to be 2.5 weeks off trimester 3 and only just feeling its begun is a bit of a bonus. I am sure it will vary over time though.

We bought a new car to upsize for babes arrival, a beautiful 2008 VR Limited Edition Outlander in white – has extras like mags, dvd player, extra airbags and seats etc. Its divine to drive, has an mp3 cd player so that’s a bonus also! Love driving it, the stereo system is awesome. Really thrilled with it! Also had my furniture delivered last week finally, so the nursery looks like a nursery. Once we put it together, the next day I filled it with all baby's clothes and then sat on the floor and looked around in awe and just sobbed that we had almost made it when I was so sure I would never experience that again. Was amazing and powerful and healing.

Have also seen that my U.S. nursery stuff has been shipped and left the U.S. so it ought to arrive this week which will be very exciting! My baby shower is this weekend so it will all look great just in time. My first baby shower that is, with the girls, I am having a family get together in a few weeks time. Neither is a real baby shower, shower, more just celebrations that we finally made it, with the people I love and who have helped me and supported us in getting here.

We have decided pretty definitely on baby’s middle name, aside from liking it as a name in and of itself, it is my Mum's middle name. I feel keen to honor mum as well. Without her help, we’d not have been able to even DO ivf, plus shes one of my best friends, and I talk to her about everything, and that means a lot to me. So it will be nice to do that as well as liking the name! I’d go with Mum’s first name, but it makes it a bit long, and too many similar sounds.

Little girl herself has been so active, except when I get Josh or Finn to try and feel then she goes quiet until they move. It is driving me INSANE! Josh felt a fair few last night which was good, but Finns yet to feel anything :(

Finn turned 5 and we had his party and so on, which went really well. He loved the trampoline and his dinosaur party, was pretty cool really. I cant believe he is 5 though! He really cant wait for the baby to be born, the morning after Josh and I had put together the cot etc, we told him to come and see and he was impressed but a few minutes later came to me in tears because he had thought we were going to show him the baby was in there. Bless. He was saying “do I REALLY have to wait until December?!” So cute. I have explained that when the baby is coming it takes a while to get it out so Mama and Dada will go to hospital and he will stay at a friends and then here with Nanny when she gets here, and Nanny will brig him in when the baby is born etc and he seems okay with all that (lucky!)

Went to another appointment at the hospital with a midwife when I was 21 weeks and it was awful! Midwife told me off because I didn’t bring results from bloods and scans myself and she had to chase them – not my fault their filing system is failing ffs!!! And then spent AGES trying to find the heartbeat and hurting me in the process for a good long time. Refused to even ASK about my GP’s request for shared care – yet I can see a midwife that’s got less idea?! Stupid!!! I grit my teeth and even though they want me back in a weeks time at 26w, I thought no way. I’ll go when it suits me, as little as I can get away with.

I saw my GP last week and filled her in, she was not impressed either, and was fine with me dong it my way. We decided I would go back there at 28w+ after my next basic GCT (not the long GTT again) and bloods to check iron etc that she is running. So thank god for her, shes on top of everything, is nice, is smart and I feel confident she knows her stuff. She finds the heartbeat in seconds too! :P I see her again in 2 weeks, not sure why so soon, but nevermind. I have the bloods and GCT in 3 weeks, and then a growth scan at 32/33 weeks ish.

I am feeling well physically, I measure ahead compared to Finn but have gained less weight and feel better physically aside from some minor indigestion and feeling permanently freezing cold with purple fingernails! Emotionally I have been a shambles the past 2 weeks or more and as a result have had colds and temperatures a bit. Just teary and sad like grief without knowing why. Strangely, when I read Finns pregnancy diary I was feeling the same then. I think its being lonely and bored and hormones making it all more pronounced. I’ll get by eventually…

Hormones

Oh dear. Am sitting here and the full realization of the end of infertility treatment has hit me, the hell that was the last 4 years is finished. I never have to do that again. I am free. I can't stop these body wracking sobs of relief.

The internet is evil (and other credit card traps)

Since discovering our wee baby is healthy and growing strongly, I have been overcome with a desire to shop. I am not really a big shopper at the best of times, I am generally quite conservative and not overly impulsive. But I have spent an astronomical amount of money this week, the mind boggles. I blame tax returns in part, another credit card trap along with the internet that one should be forewarned about. You know the money is coming so you spend up, and then the temptation to just go a bit over... bit more maybe... is just too easy. Oh but the fun!!!!!

So, this week I have purchased and am having imported an entire nursery collection (quilt, bumper, sheet, dust ruffle, nappy stacker, window valance, cushions, wall hanging, mobile, lamp, pram blanket, hamper, rug, basket liners and baskets) from the US all in the most adorable Swan Lake ballerina theme. Nothing I found here in Australia was as nice, and with the aussie dollar pretty much equal to the US at the moment, and no GST to factor in, it cost me the same as the set I had my eye on here in Aus that was gender neutral (and in the end, nowhere near girly enough...)

Now the bumper won't go on the cot, but I am wondering if it might not go around the inside edge of the change table, will have to experiment. Any ideas for the window valance thing that won't fit the window in the nursery but came in the pack? No doubt I can come up with some use for it.

I then attempted as reported earlier, to finalise my furniture laybuy, but there is a slight delay, so that should happen in the next 2 weeks. The furniture I posted once before is the Mali Euro cot and changer/robe. God, in 5 weeks I will be setting it all up. Imagine!!!!

I also discovered the EVIL website Janie & Jack - again American, again with far more beautiful clothes than anything I have seen here. Their prices are expensive (ish) but because our seasons are opposite, their end of season sales are perfect for us! So I saved a fair bit, made it a reasonable expedition. But it was SO hard not to get carried away. So many beautiful dresses... Remind myself I have a lifetime of dresses to buy. Must contain self.

I tried to laybuy some spare sheets and blankets, towels, grobag and muslin wraps but the website seems to be defunct so I need to start that again elsewhere. I did manage to score a bargain on a spare cot blanket I loved. RRP $50, it was on sale for $10. Super bargain!

Aside from that, I have also spent $400 on a trampoline for Finns birthday in 3 weeks, and sent off another order for some more party stuff. I still have a couple of little bits to get for the party but then its just the food. Almost organised but I feel tired at the very thought of it. Its only supposed to go for 2 hours, but how do you make people leave after that time?! I have made sure J knows he is going to be the one working hardest that day, its going to be exhausting!

And on top of ALL that, we have term 3 school fees to pay - over 1k - so I really HAVE to stop shopping. At least for a few weeks. Then I can start again. :D

Halfway Mark

I am halfway pregnant. How did this happen?! Its an awesome milestone to reach. The scan went well, growing well, everything as it ought to be - SUCH a relief. We also found out...










Very exciting. Feels more real now, I am glad we found out. My poor old bank account has copped a beating since though! Will update with pics of purchases shortly, been waiting ALLL day for the people to call me so I can organise my furniture to be delivered, but its getting ridiculous waiting for them to get their act together. very frustrating!