Body art - help!

Over the years I have given vague thought to inking myself up, but have never truly been keen and never really pursued the thought beyond vague ideas. But the one tattoo I did consider has grown and grown on me and I suddenly have a very strong desire to get it done.

I want it on my inner right wrist, and perhaps unsurprisingly given my bloggyness, I want it to be a cherry blossom branch, with either the word Natsukashii, the kanji for natsukashii or both.

These are designs of cherry blossom tatts I do like:

first design

second design

third design

(My finalised and inked tattoo can be seen here )

Only obviously smaller and wrist appropriate! You can read about my fascination with cherry blossoms and the word natuskashii in my blog entry from way back HERE. I had forgotten that even then the tattoo idea was brewing, well, you can't say I have not given it due thought!

If you can design art and want to have a go at a tatt design for me, PLEASE do so, but don't be offended if I don't ink it, it has to be perfect!!!

My #2 TV hero... Karen Walker.

Honey, what's that? What's going on? What's happening?

She is such a bitch, so cold, yet so freaking funny. Sarcasm is an understatement. She is the Queen. Wiki says - Karen has been described by Grace Adler as "a spoiled, shrill, gold-digging socialite who would sooner chew off her own foot than do an honest days work", and this statement just about surmises the character's personality. She is also a promiscuous borderline alcoholic with an often tenuous grip on reality and very few morals. She is good friends with Will Truman’s equally narcissistic best friend Jack McFarland.

Karen: You know what those rocks need? A little scotch.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!

Karen: Sorry, fruit, you're out of the loop.

LOL

Grace: Karen...I wanna ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.

Karen: Oh, honey. That makes me feel bad, try me!

Grace: Ok. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?

Karen: No. No, honey! That just means that people like having sex with Nathan and they don't like having sex with you!

Grace: I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.

Karen: Oh relax, honey I didn't mean it like that, of course I didn't! Listen to me! I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, ok?

I am that sensitive!!!

Karen: Grace! It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Think about the baby Jesus. Up in that tower, letting his hair down so that the three wise men can climb up and spin the dreidel and see if there's six more weeks of winter.

About my understanding of it all as well...

And finally, my favourite Karen quote:

Karen: Vodka, it's not just a breakfast drink anymore.

Tomorrow meet my #1 TV hero...

Hippy style Parenting stuff

Controversial? ME?!

Okay so I used to consider myself a little bit hippy, I was into the breastfeeding co sleeping nocry sleep stuff. I still am, truth be told. With RJ, I have been unable to feed past 4.5 months which hurts like hell, and cosleeping has eased off as well as a result, the no cry stuff still happens now shes happier and we can do so.

BUT.

Some of the really crunchy shit gets my goat. For instance, a friend of mine recently posted a link to this thing on 'birth trauma,' - seriously?! My understanding is that some are so upset at not getting the birth the way they wanted that its warranting the term 'trauma' - and mostly its because the medical profession got involved.

Now I don't get it. I can understand the word disappointment being appropriate here, but trauma?! Come on... if the worst trauma you experience in life is not getting to birth your kid the way you prefer then life is pretty rosy for you! The baby is here, healthy, you're alive, you are all well, suck it up!!! Focus on THAT not on sooking that its not how you wanted. Well, F wanted ice cream for breakfast and he didnt get it but hes over it. I just think, how can it be THAT big a deal!?

I am upset that I can no longer feed RJ, disappointed, angry, sad... but TRAUMATISED? no. I am traumatised by Mums illness. People are traumatised by serious crimes. Perspective?! Geez....

And what pisses me off further is this whole anti medical intervention crap, and the rude, insulting names that doctors are often called for intervening when it is not the patients first choice. If they did not and your baby DIED, would you then be angry they did not or glad you got your way? I don't honestly understand. And if you are unwell, who are you going to go to? Medical staff no doubt, and they will be a hero if they catch your cancer in time, or save your babes life yes? But intervening in your birth makes them monsters worthy of abuse.

Beats the hell out of me. Is it just me that doesn't get it!? Please explain!!!!! I am open to learning and understanding on this. Teach me if you think you can!

Ramble ramble...

I have had a rough few days but I feel more in control again today. Mum is beginning to lose her hair the past few days, and is understandably pretty upset about it, I can't get my head around it, it is sure to be confronting and make denial difficult, it is all so very unreal, I can't quite grip the idea. It was difficult to explain to F, he is only 5, why Nanny will be bald. I said tat sometimes he hates his yucky medicine, but it makes him better so he has to have it and explained that was sort of how it was with nanny and that it also makes her hair fall out. He seemed to accept that and said it would be strange if she is bald and she might look like a man! True enough, she may mate! I prepare him that way so it is not a shock when he sees her is the idea.
She had cut it short, but has now shaved it shorter again but is unsure how long what is there will remain. She intends to be a hat wearer extraordinaire now.

F himself is home unwell today, puffy eye, bumped noggin and sore ear all unrelated, all in a week. Not good! RJ is well and snoring at the moment - due to wake any moment and I will be off again.

I am hiding from my masters, though it is staring me in the face, mocking me, begging for me to work on it, I foresee an all nighter on the horizon. WHY did I have to try and write 'literature' when popular fiction is so much more my style?! It is painful to try and do this, when I have just read the pile of shite that is the twilight phenomenon, the writing in that is really pretty shabby, yet she is rolling in it now. I could do that!!! Just need the discipline really.

My cough is getting better slowly, the sooner it is the sooner I can go visit Mum, hurrah!

J is good and working hard to keep the rest of us sane and well, poor bugger!



I feel lost.

A boot in the butt

It is so strange, I received a comment on my blog last night and only yesterday I had it sitting open thinking I really ought to get back into blogging... so thank you Bec!!!

How are things.. god. life is shitful in many ways to be totally honest :( I feel very sad mostly at the moment. Firstly, Mum is undergoing chemotherapy, she has had one lot and is about to be tested (cell count) to see of round 2 can commence as scheduled or if she needs to put it off a little. The hardest part of this FOR ME, has been that I have not seen her since a week before her first hit as I have been sick for a week, this is killing me, I have this NEED to see her to know she is ok, photo today didnt help much honestly though she is trying to ease my mind, I need to see her and god do I miss her. I have spent the past week with gastro followed by a cold followed by a chest infection and because of her low immunity it is too dangerous to see her :( Its killing me. She is going okay, feeling better each day at the moment, but this is fucked. Cancer is fucked. I miss my Mum, and cannot see her for mothers day, thats fucked.

RJ is a new happy amazing baby, she was so much ahrd work for so long - until I realised the stress of everything with mum was drying my milk and she was hungry, once on formula she is a new baby but honestly, I literally cannot stop and think about that for more than 5 seconds as it devastates me. I love feeding, and did Finn 10 months and this time was like oh 12m easy, cant wait! No need to stop for clomid or so on! And instead 4.5 months. I am devastated, i really cant think about it or i get panic and upset.

Moving on.

She is happy and discovering everything at the moment, rolls over and reaches for everything including her feet lol, and loves the sound of her screeching voice so practices that as well, too cute. I am enjoying the new happier, settled babe :)

Finn is great, 5 and blitzing at school, assessment showed he is reading at 7yo level but needing a boost with maths, so much his mother! But he is happy and well.

Masters I have one more review of each section to do and once final edits are made I will submit and FINALLY be finished. This MUST be done by months end in my opinion... Over it so the sooner the better.

So.. its rough, stuff is rough, but my little unit pulls together and J has been amazing and we plug on.

Sorry...

Been ages between entries. So Miss RJ is here and is the devil in disguise... Finn was such an easy baby by comparison. Shes a bit of a bugger, lucky she is cute! She also has my big blue eyes, though hers are almost violet, very pretty. She sleeps not so well during the day but ok at night is the main thing.. she cried. A lot. Screams, even. Finn never did so thats a shock... lol. All good though.

Finns a gem still, honestly, no wonder i wanted more kids with him - he is magic. Smart, sensitive, sweet, funny and adoring of his mum - what more could I want?! He is just brightness that boy!

Been a tough time of it lately. Her carry on, finishing a now very overdue masters, and my Mum diagnosed with breast cancer. Ive never been so stressed or highly strung ever, not even during all the infertility stuff. This is hell lately. We'll get there though, we've no other choice. Strong!!! Ill be strong, I AM strong. And so is my Mum :)

Birth story

Throughout Friday night I slept as usual but was aware of some painful braxton hicks type contractions. I had had these before and it all fizzled to nothing, so thought nothing of it. They sort of hung around Saturday morning, and in the back of my mind I thought I had best keep an eye on them, but there was nothing obvious happening.

It was Finns Wiggles concert day (and Js birthday!) that he looks forward to ALL year, I was so worried I would go into labour during in it and have trouble getting to J and not ruining things for Finn. Was a major stress for weeks for me. I got my sister to come and spend the afternoon with me while the boys were gone so at least I wouldn't be alone should something happen!

She arrived soon after they left and we sat watching comedy shows on foxtel, eating yummy dip and bickies and giggling like sisters can! Was a good afternoon but as it wore on, the contractions became stronger and I was now cringing through them. They were irregular though, some 15 minutes apart, some 20 and some 30 and were short in length about 15-20 seconds mostly. So I was debating if I was in labour at all or prelabour and not entirely sure what was happening. It was a wait and see situation! My sister was nervous we'd end up having to do the logistical nightmare thing of finding Josh and so on.. but they just were not obvious enough to me, though I guess deep down I knew it was a bit different. I think I didnt want to get my hopes up though!

At about 6pm, J called to say they were grabbing dinner and were about 30 minutes away. Finn jumped on the phone to tell me that Anthony had come and said hello to them at the concert �€“ Anthony is Finns favourite wiggle so this was a HUGE deal but Finn told me it was his LEAST favourite part of the concert. LOL. A bit overwhelming for him I think!!! So I sent my sister on her way home and just as the boys got home, I had a show.

I said to Josh, I think this is it... And we sat down to eat. I got halfway through and thought no.. feel sick... so I called the hospital and said we're an hour away, when should I come in? Midwife said when contractions are 8 minutes apart. Mine were still 20 minutes apart then, so I called Mum and let her know things were moving and could she leave now to come and be with Finn please. She was aware I had been having contractions so was ready to leave, she is an hour away. By now it was 7pm.

Somewhere in the next 30 minutes, it all took off at a seriously breakneck speed. I went from cringe worthy, 20 minute apart contractions to toe curling really groan through 7 minutes apart contractions almost instantly. We called Dad to ask when Mum had left and he said only 5-10 minutes ago and we panicked. No way we could wait an hour for her, so we called the ever reliable heroine of the story �€“ Megan to the rescue. She dropped everything and came over in 20 minutes flat and we bolted out the door, contractions now 5-6 minutes apart and REALLY painful.I think it was really considerate that RJ waited until the boys were home from Finns special afternoon and then went for it the second they walked in the door!

I was gripping the handle of the car (the one thats at the top of the door?!) with full strength and pretty much screaming through every contraction and J was driving at 140kms an hour in pissing down rain �€“ both of us pretty much shitting ourselves now... By the time we were about 20 minutes into our 50 minute trip to the hospital I was screaming that I needed to push and he had to pull over and call an ambulance. So poor J had the mobile out swearing at it to work whilst driving in that rain �€“ too fast �€“ and looking for somewhere to stop. We were 2 minutes from the big BP/rest stop at Calder Park Raceway so we pulled in there and the ambulance was ordered. The 000 operator stayed with Josh on the phone until the ambulance arrived. Not sure how long it took but it felt like years. I was absolutely screaming every contraction and J was helping me breathe and relaying everything to the 000 operator who made him check each time if he could see the baby coming. Poor Josh. Everytime he looked with panic terrified he would see baby and need to deliver her but he didn't! His quote about that time is - what I have seen can never be unseen... - I have empathy, it was not pretty down there! My waters had broken at that point too - I was on a towel thank god! One that is now burned and gone never again to be seen or used... shudder...

The operator was getting him to find something to wrap the baby in if it came and telling me it was okay to push etc. I cant erase from my mind, the look on Joshs face throughout that wait - just a mix of sheer terror, stress, anxiety, fear... all of it. Just horrible. It really was scary.

Eventually he said to me I can see the ambulance lights, theyre coming... I was just saying I cant do this it hurts too much!!! And crying and screaming through every pain. I was not brave, not even a bit. I was so pissed off that I was nowhere near an epidural its not funny. J was great though, coaching me and encouraging me through each pain - Id say they were 3min apart then.

Most humiliating moment of my life was going from car to ambulance bed, naked in the middle of a busy BP/Maccas reststop. Take a bow Kell, everyone can see your bits. Charming!! Actually ambos were quick at covering me and I didnt give a rats arse because I was hurting too badly.

Ambulance was off and the only difference now was I was had happy gas - the green whistle! - im not sure it did much but it gave me a focus each contraction anyway. I swear it took YEARS to get to the hospital. I was swearing and the ambo was saying just pant. I was saying I CANT *^%$ING PANT I HAVE TO PUSH!!! He was quite unphased. laugh.gif

I just kept screaming and moaning through the pains and pushing because I had no choice, I had to push, it was overwhelming. Im sure they thought I was such a weakling but oh my lord did it hurt!!!! I heard the guy in the back with me say to the driver 'pull in here at emergency' and I thought he meant pull over because baby was coming out because I could feel the burning and change in the feel of the pain and knew it was about to happen. What he actually was saying was that we had reached the hospital and were pulling into the emergency department! Right as we were pulling in, RJ came sliding out and the paramedic caught her.

We stopped and I was just laying there wanting to know where J was and hoping he was right behind but he had lost the ambulance (they were flying by then through red lights etc). So I didnt see him for another 15-20 minutes. The midwives appeared at the ambulance bay since the paramedic had radioed ahead that we were coming. They cut the cord and RJ had cried almost immediately and was put on my chest. I vaguely remember asking if she was a girl and being told she was. I was laying there half out of it, saying silly things like 'i cant believe I just did that. Doesnt this only happen on tv?!' I dont think anyone even answered me, I was just so overwhelmed and shocked. I started to get the shakes about then.

They wheeled us in to a labour ward and tagged me and babe and reminded me I still had to deliver the placenta which I did soon after without drama. J came flying in all wild eyed but excited and got to have a cuddle with his new daughter and stealer of his birthday! He said he had passed the paramedics as he came in and he knew from his bouncing step and beaming face that she had arrived on route, LOL. He wasnt too upset at having missed her arrival, was grateful I think, that we had made the right call and gotten them in. Too close for comfort that he almost had to do it himself.

I was checked for tearing etc but was all fine, no stitches needed, and aside from the shaking (shock) was fine and needed no attention at all, as was Rory-Jane. She fed like a champion and we elected to go home the next morning asap. At one point, at about midnight, J and I looked at each other, our faces must have reflected the others same state of mind, just stunned and overwhelmed. J said its just not in sync, my head feels all odd. I said its because it was all so fast, our brains are still catching up! It was a weird feeling for sure. We called a few people, my poor Mum.. rofl... I called her about ten and said umm.. shes here.. Mum was like ALREADY?! I said yes.. back of an ambulance.. poor mum was most confused and shocked!

The hospital staff loved the story, RJ became the ambulance baby, and apparently the ambos were excited to have been involved in something positive and a genuine emergency for once. Was a big night for everyone!!!! She weighed 8.035 pound or 3728g (Finn was 3330g at 2 weeks earlier gestation).

We are both doing well, afterpains are a bitch, but she feeds well and Finn is absolutely besotted with her. He goes and chats to her while shes asleep and holds her little hand and each time her fingers do that baby grip on his hand, his little face lights up and he grins and says 'she wants to hold my hand!!' I overheard him telling her how happy he was to finally have another kid in his family. Precious... and last night he got upset at bedtime because he wanted to stay with her. I was reminding him she would be here in the morning... and every morning forever now!

For me, I cant believe I am sitting here babe asleep beside me at last. All that fighting, all that stubborness has paid off and we made it! Shes really there squawking and wriggling and snuffling. I cant believe it but god I am excited. I sent an sms to J when I woke up the day after she was born that said �€œI had forgotten how good this is... - its better than I remembered, hoped or dreamed. She was worth every single second of that hell, without a doubt. Yes im tired, sore and have no idea of some of the struggles that will be ahead, but there is no question I am so glad we did this!!!!!