34 weeks 1 day

Soooo sorry for my absence. I think its just plan lazy. my hard drive did fry though so I have lost a lot of stuff, personal and otherwise. (Kirsten, if you read this, I have lost the link to the writing thing, could you email me it please!?) Thank god I had just emailed my supervisor my latest draft of my masters thing, or that would have gone too. I still haven't finished. The fiction is getting close (though if I hear how cliched it is once more I am going to scream.. even though she is right!) but barely started the exegesis. I need to get cracking I know...

Pregnancy stuff is going well. Actually, its great, starting to waddle and feel sore and tired and so on but still enjoying it. Not sure how time has flown the way it has! Her room is ready and I am almost ready... now we wait! We had a 4d scan done - too cute. Will see if I have a pic...



Cute huh?!

Not much else going on, just plodding along with everything. its been a weird few months.

25 weeks, 3 days

Daily movements since the scan have continued and are so very reassuring. Its really only been since that scan that I have believed I am pregnant, so to be 2.5 weeks off trimester 3 and only just feeling its begun is a bit of a bonus. I am sure it will vary over time though.

We bought a new car to upsize for babes arrival, a beautiful 2008 VR Limited Edition Outlander in white – has extras like mags, dvd player, extra airbags and seats etc. Its divine to drive, has an mp3 cd player so that’s a bonus also! Love driving it, the stereo system is awesome. Really thrilled with it! Also had my furniture delivered last week finally, so the nursery looks like a nursery. Once we put it together, the next day I filled it with all baby's clothes and then sat on the floor and looked around in awe and just sobbed that we had almost made it when I was so sure I would never experience that again. Was amazing and powerful and healing.

Have also seen that my U.S. nursery stuff has been shipped and left the U.S. so it ought to arrive this week which will be very exciting! My baby shower is this weekend so it will all look great just in time. My first baby shower that is, with the girls, I am having a family get together in a few weeks time. Neither is a real baby shower, shower, more just celebrations that we finally made it, with the people I love and who have helped me and supported us in getting here.

We have decided pretty definitely on baby’s middle name, aside from liking it as a name in and of itself, it is my Mum's middle name. I feel keen to honor mum as well. Without her help, we’d not have been able to even DO ivf, plus shes one of my best friends, and I talk to her about everything, and that means a lot to me. So it will be nice to do that as well as liking the name! I’d go with Mum’s first name, but it makes it a bit long, and too many similar sounds.

Little girl herself has been so active, except when I get Josh or Finn to try and feel then she goes quiet until they move. It is driving me INSANE! Josh felt a fair few last night which was good, but Finns yet to feel anything :(

Finn turned 5 and we had his party and so on, which went really well. He loved the trampoline and his dinosaur party, was pretty cool really. I cant believe he is 5 though! He really cant wait for the baby to be born, the morning after Josh and I had put together the cot etc, we told him to come and see and he was impressed but a few minutes later came to me in tears because he had thought we were going to show him the baby was in there. Bless. He was saying “do I REALLY have to wait until December?!” So cute. I have explained that when the baby is coming it takes a while to get it out so Mama and Dada will go to hospital and he will stay at a friends and then here with Nanny when she gets here, and Nanny will brig him in when the baby is born etc and he seems okay with all that (lucky!)

Went to another appointment at the hospital with a midwife when I was 21 weeks and it was awful! Midwife told me off because I didn’t bring results from bloods and scans myself and she had to chase them – not my fault their filing system is failing ffs!!! And then spent AGES trying to find the heartbeat and hurting me in the process for a good long time. Refused to even ASK about my GP’s request for shared care – yet I can see a midwife that’s got less idea?! Stupid!!! I grit my teeth and even though they want me back in a weeks time at 26w, I thought no way. I’ll go when it suits me, as little as I can get away with.

I saw my GP last week and filled her in, she was not impressed either, and was fine with me dong it my way. We decided I would go back there at 28w+ after my next basic GCT (not the long GTT again) and bloods to check iron etc that she is running. So thank god for her, shes on top of everything, is nice, is smart and I feel confident she knows her stuff. She finds the heartbeat in seconds too! :P I see her again in 2 weeks, not sure why so soon, but nevermind. I have the bloods and GCT in 3 weeks, and then a growth scan at 32/33 weeks ish.

I am feeling well physically, I measure ahead compared to Finn but have gained less weight and feel better physically aside from some minor indigestion and feeling permanently freezing cold with purple fingernails! Emotionally I have been a shambles the past 2 weeks or more and as a result have had colds and temperatures a bit. Just teary and sad like grief without knowing why. Strangely, when I read Finns pregnancy diary I was feeling the same then. I think its being lonely and bored and hormones making it all more pronounced. I’ll get by eventually…

Hormones

Oh dear. Am sitting here and the full realization of the end of infertility treatment has hit me, the hell that was the last 4 years is finished. I never have to do that again. I am free. I can't stop these body wracking sobs of relief.

The internet is evil (and other credit card traps)

Since discovering our wee baby is healthy and growing strongly, I have been overcome with a desire to shop. I am not really a big shopper at the best of times, I am generally quite conservative and not overly impulsive. But I have spent an astronomical amount of money this week, the mind boggles. I blame tax returns in part, another credit card trap along with the internet that one should be forewarned about. You know the money is coming so you spend up, and then the temptation to just go a bit over... bit more maybe... is just too easy. Oh but the fun!!!!!

So, this week I have purchased and am having imported an entire nursery collection (quilt, bumper, sheet, dust ruffle, nappy stacker, window valance, cushions, wall hanging, mobile, lamp, pram blanket, hamper, rug, basket liners and baskets) from the US all in the most adorable Swan Lake ballerina theme. Nothing I found here in Australia was as nice, and with the aussie dollar pretty much equal to the US at the moment, and no GST to factor in, it cost me the same as the set I had my eye on here in Aus that was gender neutral (and in the end, nowhere near girly enough...)

Now the bumper won't go on the cot, but I am wondering if it might not go around the inside edge of the change table, will have to experiment. Any ideas for the window valance thing that won't fit the window in the nursery but came in the pack? No doubt I can come up with some use for it.

I then attempted as reported earlier, to finalise my furniture laybuy, but there is a slight delay, so that should happen in the next 2 weeks. The furniture I posted once before is the Mali Euro cot and changer/robe. God, in 5 weeks I will be setting it all up. Imagine!!!!

I also discovered the EVIL website Janie & Jack - again American, again with far more beautiful clothes than anything I have seen here. Their prices are expensive (ish) but because our seasons are opposite, their end of season sales are perfect for us! So I saved a fair bit, made it a reasonable expedition. But it was SO hard not to get carried away. So many beautiful dresses... Remind myself I have a lifetime of dresses to buy. Must contain self.

I tried to laybuy some spare sheets and blankets, towels, grobag and muslin wraps but the website seems to be defunct so I need to start that again elsewhere. I did manage to score a bargain on a spare cot blanket I loved. RRP $50, it was on sale for $10. Super bargain!

Aside from that, I have also spent $400 on a trampoline for Finns birthday in 3 weeks, and sent off another order for some more party stuff. I still have a couple of little bits to get for the party but then its just the food. Almost organised but I feel tired at the very thought of it. Its only supposed to go for 2 hours, but how do you make people leave after that time?! I have made sure J knows he is going to be the one working hardest that day, its going to be exhausting!

And on top of ALL that, we have term 3 school fees to pay - over 1k - so I really HAVE to stop shopping. At least for a few weeks. Then I can start again. :D

Halfway Mark

I am halfway pregnant. How did this happen?! Its an awesome milestone to reach. The scan went well, growing well, everything as it ought to be - SUCH a relief. We also found out...










Very exciting. Feels more real now, I am glad we found out. My poor old bank account has copped a beating since though! Will update with pics of purchases shortly, been waiting ALLL day for the people to call me so I can organise my furniture to be delivered, but its getting ridiculous waiting for them to get their act together. very frustrating!

12 months

Passes very quickly. Cannot believe today is 12 months since my friend died. Still think about him often and miss him. Wherever you are, I hope theres peace.

Pregnancy stuff.

Thank you for the comments on my last post, I am sure each of you is right. Jaydee, I wonder WHEN that click over happens... I keep waiting for it! Kirsten, it is interesting you mention about ART and PND. I have always felt the two must have a close relationship, it just makes sense to me in many ways. I feel this time I am more likely to have AND and be depressed in the pregnancy, the after is what I am hanging out for. The pregnancy bit is just scary. Belinda, that is it exactly - waiting for something to go wrong and why? Because it always did with infertility. Even with the IVF our results were crappy in and of themselves in terms of egg viability etc... So I have come to expect things going wrong!

For example, I have started feeling very light and vague movements, not always certain its not a muscle twitch, but pretty sure most times. So after a particularly active day for babe Monday, it was very quiet Tuesday. I freaked right out. I spent all day and half the night (literally, until 3am) pushing and prodding my stomach, playing loud music to my stomach, desperate for ANY thing. My tum felt softer than usual, so babe was clearly at the back, but despite all logic, I just could not relax and accept it was okay. I cried for hours. Luckily, I had a scheduled doctors visit the next day (yesterday) and the doppler found a heartbeat almost immediately - of course. But even then, there was a little voice in my mind making what ifs (was it really the baby's heartbeat or something else...) I am sending myself insane.

Monday is our big deal 19w scan. Of course, another point for anxiety. In fact, I think thats why I freaked out the other night because I KNEW that the doppler was coming out the next day and Monday is scan day, and so knowing there were checkpoints ahead brings out the anxieties. So I am sure logically, Monday will probably go okay, but that doesn't seem to ease my fears. I have to try very hard to reign them in as best I can. Imagine if it goes well, I could actually almost begin to enjoy this! :O

I can feel my excitement building, I keep putting a lid on it though, I have to stop that. Finn certainly liked hearing the heartbeat yesterday, he was excited enough for all of us, bless!