Happy 1st Birthday, baby girl.

6 years ago, I started trying to conceive you, my second child. My RJ.

5 years ago, I had a dream. I was talking to a 5 or 6 year old girl in my kitchen, she was my daughter. She was telling me not to give up trying to conceive her, because if I did she would never exist, and that just could not be allowed to happen. She was so cute, fair honey brown hair, blue eyes... I assured her I'd hang on. I had renewed hope. It was you.

4 years ago, I was wilting. I was scared and I was hurting. I was angry. Infertility is soul crushing.

3 years ago I had given up. I accepted you were but a dream. I killed the dream and it broke my heart. I felt I had let you down, but I had nothing left to give anymore. Then hope whispered try again. Courage came.

2 years ago, I failed IVF #1. It hurt. I threw myself into Christmas. I denied the terrifying fear that you would never come, yet again.

12 months ago tomorrow, you came hurtling into the world in the back of an ambulance. Drama queen! Life has been dramatic since. Yet you are an utter delight. You are like sunshine, or bubbles. My heart swells every time I even look at you. That squished up face when you smile your cheesiest grin, melts me instantly. Your :-O face cracks me up endlessly. You're daring and brave, and feisty and funny. So much personality. Your blue eyes are full of emotion, your hair is fair honey brown - you already resemble that child from my dream. You are utterly amazing. I am so freaking proud you're mine. Your adoration and love for your big brother is outweighed only by his for you.

I get teary thinking about how close I was to quitting on getting you. 5 goddamn years Janey girl! I am so incredibly bloody glad I stuck at it. So glad I was a determined, stubborn, bitter, angry, pain in the arse, because it got me you. I can't imagine life without you now. You're all I dreamed of and more. And my love for you is immeasurable. You're perfect.

You were so worth that wait. Worth every tear, every heartache, every pain, every hell. You. Were. Worth. It. ALL.

Your very first birthday, I hope it delights you. I have so many wishes for you my beewee. I hope you dream big. I hope you love hard. I hope you take risks. I hope you believe in the wonder that is you.

Happy Birthday, baby girl. I luboo.

9 comments:

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub 12 December 2009 at 8:43 pm  

What a beautiful post for your precious baby girl's birthday. It's not fair to say that the babies that are born with the help of science are more precious than all the others, but I can't help but think just that when I read about or talk with friends that have gone through infertility issues.

Congratulations to your for holding on to your dream. ((hug))

PinkPatentMaryJanes 12 December 2009 at 9:50 pm  

That's just so completely lovely. Enjoy your day with your precious girl x

Emma 13 December 2009 at 1:08 am  

Beautiful post my dear friend, she is one lucky little girl to have such an amazing Mama.

Happy Birthday sweet RJ, hope you have a magical day tomorrow.

Angela 13 December 2009 at 3:04 am  

Happy Birthday RJ!

What a beautiful post.

Chantelle {fat mum slim} 13 December 2009 at 6:31 am  

Oh boy. You're tugging at heart strings here. That was beautiful, as is RJ.

I hope you all have the loveliest day today. xx

Andrea 13 December 2009 at 7:36 am  

You know, I remember your dream :) I love this post today.
Happy Birthday RJ.

Kellee 13 December 2009 at 8:37 am  

Ohhhh... sooo sweet! Happy Birthday!! :D

Teneal 17 December 2009 at 11:25 pm  

I have goosebumps and tears.

Kel, she is so amazingly gorgeous - one of those children I know I would love if I met them (same goes for your boy - wow).

You waited so long for her, but that darling girl also waited so long for you - and J, and Finn. I read this and think the of the amazing relationship I have with my mother. I look at this little girl and think 'wow, she has amazing things ahead of her - and what a lucky girl to be building that mother-daugher relationship already'.

Happy (belated) birthday beautiful RJ. And congratulations on the year anniversary of one of the best days of your life Kel.

Kristalee 19 December 2009 at 12:59 pm  

This made me cry. Such an amazing story Kelly! You tell it so beautifully.