Encouraged, inspired, excited.

I am still not telling you my secret. Its a good one though, mortifying, but sort of funny. Very naughty!!

But I did want to share that I got some writing back this week from uni, my young adult unit. The feedback was really good, some excellent suggestions, most of my trouble, my lecturer felt, came from being cramped by the word limit. She said to keep at my writing because my " sense of voice and emotional intensity/anxiety are top notch."

I sent her an email thanking her for the feedback and saying I am going to have a go at extending it into novel length as she suggested, and that I appreciated her critique. I said that I have no idea if I have any talent as such, but that I love writing, so I will do it anyway! She replied with the following:

Hey, for what it's worth, I do think you do have talent as a writer. I'm kind of nervous about putting forth that kind of subjective commentary as part of the assessment comments because they're based on taste rather than the kind of literary criteria I try to focus through when I mark. And to be honest, my taste is a long way from what publishers seem to publish. so much YA is frankly terrible in my view and so I do also feel worried that I'd be off the track in commenting on the quality of your work. but in this format, I'm happy to say I really like it. gawd, put your stuff against (in the fantasy stuff) Eragon, and you're streets ahead - especially in terms of originality. All the writers I know who have made it just suffer through the slog and the humiliation of lots of rejections, lots of rewriting and lots of horrible moments of writers block until they finally crack something that is published. So try to stay emotionally strong and, as you suggest, stay focused on the pleasure you get from the process without over investing in the outcome - recipe for sanity in my humble opinion. keep in touch if you need anything along the way.


In all honesty, its left me gobsmacked and frankly, I think she must have mixed me up with another student! Its inspired me though, I do believe in myself, just have to keep plugging away.

Right you lot!!!!!

I know you are all reading. Whats sad is that I am writing assuming no one is anyway! Then it gets mentioned in conversation and I think, oh, I'm not actually talking to myself. I would though, if you stopped reading, I am not proud.

Want to know something about me no one else knows? Aside from my family of course? It is my most shameful moment actually, I still cannot believe I did it! I was only 8 or 9 or so, and I confessed after the police had been and gone again.

Truly. It's rather scandalous. Dying to know? I'll tell you next time! Dare you to guess...

Harrumph!

I asked the universe for something yesterday, so when the phone rang today and it was a strangers voice asking for me, I quite naturally assumed it had eventuated. I was rather miffed to discover it was market research... I really did think for that split second that of COURSE thats what it is, because I asked for it.

Hmm. Still waiting then, give it a couple of weeks. :D

So anyway...

Resuming normal transmission...

I really should be taking this uni free time to do some writing and yet I have not done a word in a week. I have lost all faith in myself. Why is it so? I always seem to have other stuff to do when the boy is at school and its so hard when he is home. Also, I seem to be dithering. Finish the pile of shite that is my longest (so closest to finished) manuscript; or just start a new one? Tell me what to do, I don't know. My brain hurts.

The new one that I have in mind will need a lot of research so actually, I should research it AND write the other. Yes. I think that makes most sense. Research I can generally do in dribs and drabs when Finn is home too, and save the alone time for writing.

Goodo. Thanks for sorting that for me.

I want to curl up and cry and cry

Infertility stuff. When people don't get it they can be cruel and they can be arrogant.

It still hurts, theres so much pain, so much frustration. I want to get people and slap them and MAKE them understand. I know it takes a stretch to 'get it' but fuck sake. I admire people who can express grief that is pretty (thats Megs for that word, thats it exactly) - good for them. I can't, its not a conscious decision, its just how it erupts, and because of that - I am shunned and attacked and ignored because people get defensive at my anger.

People, in general, are mostly selfish and superficial I have decided. What keeps me sane is the other infert girls, and the bunch of women - not infertile - but who GET IT and who accept me flaws and all, and love me anyway. I love those women, they won't ever know just how much they saved this one little person... I wish I could thank them properly, because without them... I just don't know.

Here's a hornets nest for you...

The topic of termination/abortion. Its a doozy, wouldn't you agree?

I swing all over the place on it. I have friends who have had to make that choice, and I don't think less of them for it, of course I don't. How can I know til I am in those shoes right? Finns conception was not ideal... J and I had split, I had a job and a plane ticket and was outta here... But the thought of not having my little man about... far out. The world would miss out.

Because of my infertility, though, it becomes REALLY hard. I see my closest friends go through hell, IVF after IVF, invasive procedures, hospitalised and in agony with over stimmed ovaries and stuff... friends who cannot conceive and cannot afford to try any longer so have to accept a childless or imperfect family make up.... people who have beautiful hearts and would make amazing parents... Would give a limb to be able to have what others terminate.

I don't begrudge people in awful choice-less (or all but) circumstances that option, not at all. But some use it when "oops, withdrawal method not so reliable.." well no shit. Or "oops, can't really afford a plasma AND a baby so.." that to me is wrong. Thats a life with hopes and dreams and who could give so much to the world... I struggle.

I don't express pain well. Geez that has been told to me a few times. I am too angry apparently. Some people, when they feel pain, will cry or will tell people they are crying or desperate or upset. Other people like this, because they enjoy the role of comforter. They like that its "easy" to address or help. They're selfish in their giving comfort, they like what they can handle, mostly.

I don't do that. I get angry. I lash out and I swear and rant and rave. People don't like that, and they don't realise it is an expression of pain, they see it as someone who is being mean or nasty or whatever. They can't step outside their square - and even when directly told, they still say nope, not worthy of my concern, doesn't fit my criteria. Too angry. Can't handle that one! So, should I not say anything, at all, and bottle my grief, or do I let it out in the only way I know how?

And if I do, does that make me evil? Bitter, sure, I accept that. But a horrible person with blatant disregard and immaturity? I don't think thats fair.

Words I like. Yes I am bored.

Proselytize.

Crack.

Malapropism.

Pyrrhic victory.

Languid.


On another note, I should be writing. I have an idea, its brewing, but I should be doing something with it. Its all well and good to use the excuse of Finn being home and it is true I can't concentrate and get into a flow, but I didn't use my singular Finn-free morning at home this week to write, I researched and I read. Which is important but I want to get the current story finished so I can start the new one. It has to be so.

When Finn is at school more, 4 mornings next year, then full-time, and I can write more frequently; I want to re-create my study. I have tried this before, you understand, and it just didn't work. The space was perfect, I still really love the study I created, but I just don't go in there and use it. I think because its sort of separate to the rest of the house and I feel really shut off. Which really is a good thing for writing, but I feel anti social or something. It just doesn't work. Perhaps it will when I have more time to spend there.

So finally, I am on break from uni, semester is finished. Thats half of my grad dip and 1/3 of my masters complete. Woot! Go me! Next semester I am studying: Texts for Young Adults (really not sure why I chose this one and having second thoughts simply because it has no creative options, its pure lit); Reviewing (am thinking freelance...); Travel Writing and Fiction B.

I am still considering a few swaps (I have made so many, can't settle on final choices). I like the idea of life writing (memoirs), and publishing might be handy also. The problem is there are more semester 2 units I want to do than there are semester 1. I really need to make my mind up very soon, and I am freaking out a bit about it.

I am doing that same what I want V's what is more practical or what would most likely lead to employment. I know that I don't need to do that, but a masters costs a lot of money. And if I never get anywhere with my writing, then wouldn't it be somewhat wasteful? Indulgent? Or should I just say screw it and take the risk. This seems to be a recurring theme. I just don't know that I have it. Or not enough of it to be successful. But there is only one way to find out and if I don't do it fully, then I will always have an excuse or a doubt. If I give it my all, 110%, then I give myself the best chance, right? I am terrified my Fiction A lecturer will see my name on the enrol list for Fic B and life writing and shake her head and think "poor deluded girl..."

Really, how lucky i am to have the opportunity to even try and give it the time, devotion and money it requires. That is a gift to be embraced, not to cautiously hesitate about. Decision made. Scrap texts for young adults, life writing it is.