Week 7 BFL picks

Right. I have had it - unleashing my secret weapon this week. You're all going down!!! FO SHO. Picks are blue and bold!

Houston vs Buffalo
Cleveland vs Chicago
Seattle vs Dallas
St. Louis vs Detroit
San Francisco vs Indianapolis
Miami vs New York Jets
New York Giants vs Philadelphia
Denver vs Baltimore
Jacksonville vs Tennessee
Oakland vs San Diego
Carolina vs Arizona
Minnesota vs Green Bay

Monday Night
Atlanta vs New Orleans
Tie Breaker = 52

You never stop being a parent

You know when you are 15, and you want to go out to a great party, but your parents kill your buzz and either don't let you, or set so many rules it's almost not worth it...

I'm 32 next month, and I seem to still be suffering that whole feeling of not meeting the expectations of my parents. Not making the decisions that they want me to. Letting them down by making choices they think are wrong for me.

At some point, they should realise that I know me better than they know me now. Right? I think that is not looking likely.

So, they're not happy with my US trip. I guess I knew it would be the case, but it hurts and it makes me angry. Why would you not support your childrens dreams and excitement? Why would you feel it necessary to say you think it is the wrong thing to do? Why can you not maybe think something, but not have to verbalise it?

The reasoning was not even sound, it made no sense, it contradicted itself, and it seemed hollow. So why does it bother me? There is no way it will change my mind, I am determined, and so long as J and I are happy with it, then how is it anyone elses business???

You know what, when Mum was going through treatment and wanted to avoid certain tests and even at one stage, her final chemo dose, I supported her. I disagreed, and was worried and upset about her decision, but I supported her because I felt she knew best and would do it anyway so I might as well be there for her. I am really disappointed she can't afford me the same respect.

It's taken the gloss and buzz off something that should have been exciting and wonderful and happy. That is really unfair. I am angry and upset. They have 4 months to get used to the idea and to be supportive. I will not let them ruin this for me, I will live my own life. I am an individual as well as a wife and mother and I have every right to pursue my own dreams. I can't see how it can be anything but good for me. It is not even 2 weeks away from home for goodness sake. This is crazy!!!

Right. Rant over. Where was I? Pass the San Fran guidebook please!

BFL wk 6 picks

Minnesota @ Pittsburgh

San Francisco @ Houston

San Diego @ Kansas City

Green Bay @ Cleveland

Indianapolis @ St. Louis

New England @ Tampa Bay

Buffalo @ Carolina

NY Jets @ Oakland

Atlanta @ Dallas

Chicago @ Cincinnati

New Orleans @ Miami

Arizona @ NY Giants


Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Washington 

Combined MNF Score = 52

Rewards!

So, I am actually nervous to even write this. But, one of the presents I got for grad from J : Um. A trip to the U.S.A. More specifically, California.

Alone.

Pretty sure I am insane.

I always wanted to travel, and imagine the inspiration for writing, the growth! But, that aside, it is something I have always wanted to do. To see the world, for as long as I can remember. Everyone is aware of my Italy obsession, I guess this is a good first trip to launch my dream of seeing it all. Friends to guide me, a familiar language and culture.

Terrified of leaving my babies for 2 weeks, but it feels important. It feels right. The rest of this year is hectic, my birthday, J's and RJ's birthdays, Green Day concert with F-bear, and Christmas... so I decided to leave it until the new year, and when Finn is back at school. So... the start of March it is.

Eeee!!!!

I'm a master of the universe!

I wrote an email to one of my closest friends this morning, and decided to blog it. Today I am going to my graduation for my Master of Arts (Writing and Literature). I was just reading earlier entries in my blog tagged with masters. lol. I really did struggle to get here!


I have been awake since 4am, just thinking about graduation today, and I have felt really anxious. Its bugging me, I should be excited. I mean, I AM excited as well, but there is anxiety and there is also a LOT of emotion. I think, in writing this, I have an idea why - this degree was my escape through my mums cancer battle. There were nights where I was so fucking scared that I was going to lose her and I just immersed myself in the writing to escape thinking and confronting those thoughts. Mum and I are really close. We talk several times a day, she knows all my secrets. The idea of losing her, if not to the cancer then just her mortality at all, was terrifying. One day, in her chemo cycles - chemo can affect you in terms of making you vague and out of it - I took the kids to visit for the day. Mum was playing with Finn, I had RJ in the study, settling her for a nap. The smoke detector went off, which happens for burnt toast there so I didn't react, it is a sensitive alarm. Suddenly, I heard my Mum just screaming... and thought to myself, 'oh man that's serious screaming' so I bolted out and I saw an eerie red glow, and then realised that the kitchen was on fire. She had left oil on the stove and it had caught. She forgot it was on. Chemo.

Anyway, she was standing there screaming for my dad who was outside somewhere. I had to take over, I just told her to get Finn out so she told Finn to go get my dad, Finn was 5!!! So he is running outside scared and crying calling for his pa... Mum was still screaming for Dad and just panicking, and the kitchen was still on fire. I said to her GO OUT AND COMFORT FINN. And I (thank GOD) found their fire extinguisher and start fighting this stupid fire, which when I squirted it, seemed to jump everywhere and make it worse. I started to freak out a little but just kept squirting the hell out of it all. I got it out just as dad came racing in. The smoke was so thick so quickly, and I remembered RJ was in the study, so I told dad it was out as I literally ran and got RJ out and then went and found and checked on Finn and calmed him... it was the single most terrifying moment of my life. It was an awareness that mum wasn't mum, that she had cancer, that this was reality. It was fucking awful. I had to take valium that night to sleep I was so distressed.

This is irrelevant, and yet not. I think, in graduating, I'm letting go of a bit of denial, and now that mum is okay, its still this confronting scary thing and letting go of a comfort or distraction or a denial is a little scary. Am I making any sense? I guess it is as though the masters was a bit of a security blanket because it blocked dealing with things. Now I have to give it up and its great... but scary too? And obviously, IVF was tough, pregnancy was intense, having a newborn is tough, and I did this degree through those too. So many times I wanted to give up. It took me almost a year longer than it should have. But I toughed it out, and I did it. And here I am. I'm proud of me, for this, more than anything else I have ever done. Big day. Overwhelming.


So, through a mix of emotions, today is a big one. I loved the study required to get me this qualification, I really, really, loved it, I feel I found my passion, it was a bonus that it helped me cope with other stuff - I am sure it is the same for many. So, yes I am tooting my own horn and bragging today, but I promise it won't last TOO long... Stay tuned to see how I am rewarding myself for the slog!

BFL picks

I missed them last week, so having a go. Megs did the picking for me this week! Thatnk you @MegsyT - if you do better than me, you get the job.

Houston @ Cincinnati

Detroit @ Green Bay

St. Louis @ Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Minnesota

NY Giants @ New Orleans

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Kansas City @ Washington

Philadelphia @ Oakland

Arizona @ Seattle

Tennessee @ New England

Buffalo @ NY Jets

Chicago @ Atlanta

Monday Night:

Denver @ San Diego

Combined MNF Score = 36

"I get by with a little help from my friends."

I've always said, I am not that good of a friend. I am often withdrawn and stand offish and I tend to keep to myself a lot. I'm not the kind of friend that you can just drop in on, or that drops in on others. Sometimes, I think I am sort of selfish. My friends (amazingly, I do have them!) would probably say it isn't true, but to an extent it is.

I guess as a result, the friends that I do have, are the truest of friends. Because they understand my strange little ways, and they love me anyway. They get that I often ebb and flow, and it never affects the friendship. The know that if they need me, I will be there in a heartbeat. And vice versa.

I'm currently in a social phase, and I guess I have a lot going on in my head, and in my heart. I don't usually share that stuff, I'm intensely private, but the relief I have felt at being able to share some of the big stuff with friends lately, has been enormous. That adage of a problem shared is a problem halved is kinda true. Letting someone in enough to show them true emotion and to share your fears etc with is a powerful thing. Not feeling alone with something is powerful. So why do I find it difficult to do a lot of the time?! Do others feel like this, or do you have people you can tell everything to? Good, bad, ugly, all of it? Is it difficult for you to do so, or is it a regular catharsis for most?

This coming Saturday, my best friend and I are getting away from it all for a night. A girls night. One that we probably both need for a lot of reasons. I am looking forward to a night of chatter, giggles and relaxing. Shes one of many friends I am very lucky to have, and grateful to have. Again, I don't say enough to these friends that they are important in my life. From all around the globe, my friends, I love you.

"At the shrine of friendship Never say die, Let the wine of friendship never run dry." (Les Miserables).

This is so me!

Week 4 BFL

Tampa Bay @ Washington
NY Giants @ Kansas City
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Oakland @ Houston
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
Seattle @ Indianapolis
Detroit @ Chicago
Baltimore @ New England
Buffalo @ Miami
NY Jets @ New Orleans
St. Louis @ San Francisco
Dallas @ Denver
San Diego @ Pittsburgh

Monday Night:
Green Bay @ Minnesota
Combined MNF Score = 22