Grief is a bitch.

I hate grief. With no "obvious" loss, I often fight it, because I refuse to understand that you can grieve for losses other than death. Does it scare you that I was a social worker and supervisor of 70 counsellors, for many years, too? I know these things, logically, yet I fight it.

Ever tried to fight grief? Not a smart move. Grief is coming, whether you acknowledge it and deal with it, or not. The peril of ignoring it is that it will hit harder. More impact, more force, more hell. The dilemma, with keeping your head in the sand for months on end, is that with other life stressors in the mix, you may find yourself tipped over the edge by something minute, and suddenly there is a black hole you can't get out of.

I have spent the last 10 months with my head firmly planted in the sand. I could not look acknowledge that my best friend and mum, had cancer. Was going through chemo. The fears that it will come back, that this all even happened, the emotions have been far too big to process. When they started, the depth would terrify me and I would shut them down. You can imagine that when you build a dam like that, the crack and outpour is always going to be inevitable, and far more destructive than an orderly stream.

So, I guess it all caught up. I've had 3 (interrupted) hours of sleep and I have cried myself inside out and back again. I have faced that demon, I've spent those hours in the blackest of hell, and the darkest of grief, and, thanks to a couple of understanding, forgiving and kind friends, I'm up again (Thank you Megs & Phil). I am beyond exhausted. I feel like sleeping for at least a week.

The upside is that from now on, it can only get better from here. Right???

3 comments:

m.e (Cathie) 24 November 2009 at 2:47 pm  

{hugs}
does it get easier?
i know for a fact that it doesn't, when people say time heals...no, it doesn't, it just keeps hurting.
I can't really say anything to make you feel better, but I wish you strength. ♥

Vicki 24 November 2009 at 6:12 pm  

Big hugs Kell.

Kellee 9 December 2009 at 2:50 am  

I think you can TOTALLY experience grief for something other than death. I think the loss of anything important can trigger grief. The loss of important friendships for example, even if it was time or necessary, is still a loss and is still painful to part with what was. You're a strong lady, you'll make your way through.