Infertility Revisited (again).

I was reminded again this morning, about the frustration people dealing with infertility face, and how misunderstood that grief is. When I was grieving my own infertility, at about the point that we decided to stop trying treatment and accept that we would have no more, I was so incredibly angry, so bitter, and you know what? I stand by it. It was hell and no one but those in it understood it, and it can be the loneliest feeling in the world. Most people I have come across with infertility issues, handle it with far more grace than I did, but do they feel the same as I did? Are they a seething mass of anger, and sadness underneath and simply handle it better? Are they better at projecting that outward, coping facade? Or was I really over the top in my emotional state? The end part of our journey is over at My Face Tube but there were 4 years leading up that last one, and it was the 2 prior that I was at my lowest and was often told I was angry, bitter and frankly, a bitch.

Funnily, it was the most liberating and freeing thing to do, was to be a bitch and to be okay with it within myself. Yes I am sarcastic, snarky, and with little tolerance for stupidity. But, I am okay with that. If you are not, see you later, thank you for stopping by. It is one of the silver linings of that whole period, that ability to accept and love about myself, that which others found so awful. I also made some of the most loyal, understanding and supportive friends anyone can make.

Someone wondered today, would they return to 'normal' when the infertility hell was over. Having waged that war, and eventually won it, I think no. Well, not the same normal as before, anyway. For me, it certainly eased, the wounds heal, but they leave scars, and they change you as a person. They change the people you surround yourself with, and they change you. It reminds me that there is a story to tell here. There is a voice that needs to be heard. There is normalising that needs to be done. The emotions of infertility are very often ugly, and confronting, especially to the smug variety of fertiles, but they aren't wrong.

They just are. And that's okay.

It is a story I am determined to tell.

16 comments:

JD 19 September 2009 at 6:48 pm  

Agreed. There is a 'normal', but it is a new kind of normal and there is just no going back to that person you were before. Everything has changed- how you see the world, what you believe, and who you are. You cannot forget the emotions you felt so strongly, and even if you could, well- I probably wouldn't.

You eventually begin to feel like yourself again- just not the old self.

MRS J 19 September 2009 at 10:59 pm  

Kell, you have summed up the experience of infertility so succintly, so eloquently. Only those who suffer can truly understand, and there are a few who try to understand and succeed. Beautifully written xoxo

Erin 20 September 2009 at 5:41 pm  

I agree to an extent, although I don't think I'm out the other side yet. I hope there's some sort of "normal" at the end of all of this although I already know I am not the person I was 4 years ago and I don't think I'll ever be that person again. Sometimes I'm proud of that because of all that we've been through and other times that makes me sad.

Al_Pal 3 October 2009 at 7:44 pm  

This is a great example of why the internet is so important. People sharing stories of their struggles, both to process it for themselves, and to help others who may come after them, or are going through it at the same time, with the same or similar struggles.

Great entry. I'm reminded of the "Dead Dads Club" -- a group you just can't identify with until you're part of it.

I'm sorry that you had to be part of the infertility club. I'm glad that you're writing about it.
xo

Michelle 2 January 2010 at 6:09 am  

Thank you for this post. I feel angry and low. I am bitchy and bitter. Thank you for making me feel like this is an ok place for me to be right now.

Jo 2 January 2010 at 10:11 am  

I have so been there, and in fact still am. Finally pregnant after seven years of IF, I can heartily agree that it changes you, it leaves scars that others will never see. But I know, and I mourn the woman that could have been.

Hugs,
Jo

tbonegrl 3 January 2010 at 5:17 am  

Here from creme...

I know I have been completely changed by my IF journey. So much so that today, when I post that we are TTC again, I shake in fear. I am so afraid of it happening again...so angry.

this post is wonderful. Thank you.

FeistyKel 3 January 2010 at 6:49 am  

The very thought of heading down that road again makes me feel physically ill. It truly is an unexplainable hell. And the fact that you get judged for that anger etc... Just makes me even angrier. :(

Bean stalk ballads 3 January 2010 at 5:14 pm  

Oh yes.. can I relate to this post...

Sunshine 5 January 2010 at 4:48 am  

Here from Creme

Yep, I hear ya. I (sorta) wrote a post about ths myself (here it is, if ya care
http://waitinginsunshine.typepad.com/blog/2009/10/im-one-lucky-bastard.html

A new kind of nomal is a great way to explain this IF hellish life...

Love,
Sunshine

Sunshine 5 January 2010 at 4:50 am  

Here from Creme:

Great post. A new kind of normal is a great way to put it. I (kinda) wrote a similair post, if ya care to read it...

http://waitinginsunshine.typepad.com/blog/2009/10/im-one-lucky-bastard.html

It's the "new/old" self, you knmow?

Sumshine

Coffeegrl 5 January 2010 at 5:55 am  

From the Cream de la Creme - great, great post. So thoughtful and truthful. "Normal" just seems so different from what I remember and have experienced.

nh 7 January 2010 at 5:47 am  

Here from the Creme.

Thank-you, you've expressed what I feel so well.

Who can say what 'normal' is. I've changed... not totally for the better, but in some things it's better.

Mrs. Gamgee 8 January 2010 at 2:17 pm  

Very well said...

The least of our life experiences change us, and infertility is no small thing. I don't think I could go back to 'normal' even if I wanted to. But I agree the way IF changes us does not necessarily have to be a bad thing.

Lut C. 16 January 2010 at 10:48 pm  

Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

I can only nod my head at every word in this post.

Having overcome IF once, I'm back for another turn of the wheel. And the ugly feelings are back.
I felt a new kind of normal, healed but not the same, until we decided to TTC again. Now I'm bitter, angry and sad all over again, though to a lesser degree and with much better distraction, thank goodness.

Kristalee 21 January 2010 at 11:15 am  

Hi Kell,

(Linked from creme de la creme)

I know my story is different to yours but reading this post makes me feel like our journeys are so close. I never got it before but now I get it. I love your perspective on this and I hope I find this kind of acceptance about the forever scars.
Lots of love, Kristalee