Happy 2nd Birthday, Rory-Jane.

Somehow, on Monday, you're two, my wubsy girl. You're growing up way too quickly, and every single moment is fascinating and magical. You're such a funny girl, with enormous personality.

You like to share my face creams, nail polish, and to have your hair brushed. Yet you play in the dirt, and roughhouse with the boys. You're so adaptable, so cruisy. Your favorite part of every day is school run. You love taking Finn to school and picking him up, and boy does the school love you. Teachers, parents, a myriad of children look at and comment on you adoringly. Several of Finns classmates endlessly seek hugs and waves from you, every day. And you willingly oblige. Like a royal on tour, you wave grandly, totally comfortable in the spotlight and attention. When you fell, and scraped your knees, you were SO proud of the scabs. You'd hoist your pant legs up for WEEKS after, and proudly show all and sundry, delighting in their indulgent cries of "Oh no!!!"

You mostly talk in babble still. Why use language when people pretty much get you everything you need and want without it, right? Somehow, yogurt is pronounced 'hala' and is your absolute favorite food. You loved the prawns we had for dinner, and there isn't much you'll refuse to eat.

When you are offered something that makes you happy, you pump your little fists in the air and shout, "Oh la!!!" (oh yeah!) It is hilarious. Naturally, the rest of us all say 'Oh la!!' now too, in moments of excitement.

You know that you're only allowed your dummy at night in bed, and you love to go and steal it from the cot during the day for a quick suck, then show me what you are doing, with mischief and cheek. You put it right back when asked, but you like to show me you're being rebellious first. Such a ratbag!

Recently, you have increasingly developed your sweet side. You'll walk by me, and stop to kiss my arm, or hug my legs. You adore your Mama, and often insist it is me that has your full attention, shunning all others. So fickle. lol. When you want someones attention, you will call them loudly and repeatedly, until you have it. "MAMA. MAMA. MAMA. MAMA." Often, you will grab my face in your hands and turn it to you, forcing me to pay attention if I am not quick enough for your liking. You crack me up. You know what you want, that's for sure. And you are fast learning how to get it!

You adore the puppy you got for your birthday. "DOH DOH!" you call, and make hooting noises to imitate a calling whistle. He is equally besotted with you, and if he is out of your sight, you wont relax until you find him again. I foresee a great friendship between you both for years to come. Perfect.

Still, above all, your favorite person in the world, is definitely your 'Ma'. This is what you call Finn. Ma. We eventually worked out, that you are saying "mine" - he is yours. You adore him. You mimic everything he does, everything he says, and you seek his attention and love constantly. He is so good to you. Patient, helpful, loving, and kind. No wonder you adore him so much. He shares his toys, snacks, and life with you, and you think he is your very own special friend. I guess that's exactly what he is. It is so beautiful for me to watch that sibling relationship blossom. There truly is nothing more special.

As for what you mean to me, baby girl, you save me. It's been a rough few years, and you and your brother are just so amazing, I cannot help but feel like the luckiest woman alive. My heart feels like it will explode with love. I wish that I could pause time, you are at such a precious, innocent, and sweet age. Sometimes at night if I am feeling sad or lonely, I look at your pictures and I can't help but grin.

I absolutely adore you. I can't tell you enough. You are pure sunshine, absolute radiant joy, and sheer delight.

"Hey, RJ... Guess what?"
"I loh loo"
"I love you too, beewee girl."

Happy Birthday, my beauty.

Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows (Part 1) Review (NO SPOILERS)

Please note, I have tried hard to avoid any spoilers in the review, please keep it the same in any comments!

I went and saw the movie this morning, with my Mum. I have seen the previous installments, and was keen to see the first part of the finale to the series. I am a big fan of the books (and books are always better than the movies!) but I promise to keep that bias aside in the review, and just keep to it as a movie...

The overall impression that I got, was that this was way too bloody long. 3 hours, for part 1. So much could have been cut. Unless part 2 is jam-packed with action, they really didn't need to make this two movies. Endless plodding through woods could have been cut. An entire scene of Harry and Hermione dancing - irrelevant and could have been cut. It was almost frustrating (and bordered on boring a few times as a result).

The dark parts of the movie, were again very dark. Looking back at The Philosophers Stone (Sorcerer's Stone in some countries), it seemed aimed at children. Then suddenly, as the books progressed, they became increasingly adult, and increasingly dark. Let me say this - don't take small kids to see this movie. Just don't. I have a 7 year old, and he won't be seeing this (or most of it's predecessors for that matter) until he is muuuuuch older. It's scary. It has dark and confusing concepts, and it's not a kids movie, despite what many seem to think. I was kinda horrified to see the age of some kids in the cinema. Just... no.

The focus is very much on Harry, Hermione and Ron in this one, very few glimpses of any of the others from Hogwarts, including our favorite villain, Snape. McGonagall was absent altogether, which disappointed me greatly! Neville was a glimpse, even Draco was a minor appearance. And, I am really, really, not a fan of Bill Nighy as Rufus Scrimgeour.

All that said, there were many positives, too. There were some clever jokes and witty humor, and I do so love the many polyjuice scenes. I loved Luna Lovegood's father, Xenophilius Lovegood (big Rhys Ifans fan!), and more of the house elves. As an adult, I loved the dark scenes, the tension was great, and I think Helena Bonham Carter returning as Bellatrix Lestrange was brilliant in her role yet again. The ending was climactic enough to leave you lamenting the 7 month wait for part 2.

I'd give it maybe... 6 out of 10. I hope part 2 is an improvement - much expectations to carry for the final installment of a tale that has gripped us now for a ten good years. Fingers crossed!

110 in 2010... How did I go?

Back in January I wrote this post of goals for 2010. With only 6 weeks left now in 2010, I thought I should review and see what I need to cram in to come close to getting most of these achieved. So.. a review!


1. Visit an o/s country CHECK!
2. Take risks CHECK!
3. Travel more – locally, Aus, Abroad CHECK!
4. Meet new people CHECK!
5. Make more friends CHECK!
6. Let more people in CHECK!
7. Start a grad dip in IKM
8. Write CHECK!
9. Create CHECK!
10. Look after me CHECK!
11. Get a tattoo CHECK!
12. Stand in the rain til I am soaked through CHECK!
13. Be loved CHECK!
14. Appreciate Friends CHECK!
15. Exercise regularly
16. Learn Italian
17. Learn a dance – salsa!?
18. Keep a diary
19. Read a book a month for pleasure
20. Cultivate a stronger sense of self CHECK!
21. Bake more
22. Clean closets and give away or throw out things I don’t wear CHECK!
23. Hang pictures CHECK!
24. Take kids to zoo CHECK!
25. Buy luggage CHECK!
26. Conquer long haul flight CHECK!
27. Buy or cut fresh flowers monthly min
28. Find new music CHECK!
29. Decorate the house CHECK!
30. Buy more shoes
31. Drive somewhere far - road trip!
32. Laugh more CHECK!
33. Treat my hair more CHECK!
34. Get massage
35. Drink less coffee CHECK!
36. Expand movie collection CHECK!
37. Blog more
38. Attend a concert CHECK!
39. Watch a sunrise CHECK!
40. Stay up all night
41. Watch a sunset CHECK!
42. Buy more pretty things CHECK!
43. Learn to better apply make up - smoky eyes...
44. Save $500 for no real purpose. CHECK!
45. Get a job
46. Buy more pretty lingerie CHECK!
47. Get more pedicures
48. Pierce my nose
49. Stay in bed all day with dvds and/or books CHECK!
50. Swim in the ocean – beach hair!
51. Mosaic again
52. Try pottery
53. Paint, even just once
54. Donate unused toys
55. Grow herb garden
56. Grow basic vegies
57. Watch Schindlers list
58. Stop worrying
59. Attend a St Patricks Day parade CHECK!
60. Learn a new word daily
61. Find something to be grateful for daily
62. Plant a tree
63. Kiss in the rain CHECK!
64. Wish on a shooting star
65. See a movie at a drive in
66. Research Infertility book CHECK!
67. Be more positive CHECK!
68. Talk to strangers more CHECK!
69. Take more photos CHECK!
70. Do more RAOK
71. Compliment others often CHECK!
72. Learn to relax CHECK!
73. Be more environmentally friendly CHECK!
74. Don’t strangle anybody! (Hoping this is my definite achieved item...) CHECK!
75. Keep a budget CHECK!
76. Buy more dresses
77. Monthly movie night
78. Sleep more!
79. Read with kids regularly CHECK!
80. Have fun with Finns school lunches and introduce new foods CHECK!
81. Take Finn to scienceworks CHECK!
82. Spend more time alone CHECK!
83. Take kids to the beach CHECK!
84. Get counselling
85. Move house or revamp current CHECK!
86. Hug kids at least twice a day CHECK!
87. Tell kids I love them at least twice every day CHECK!
88. Explore San Fran in March CHECK!
89. Write a letter to myself 10 years in the future
90. Write a letter to the child me
91. Organise my photos into albums on iPhoto
92. Write a haiku
93. Have someone read to me out loud CHECK!
94. In addition to reading a book for pleasure each month, read at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/12559/Books/The+Perfec...
95. In addition to movies for pleasure etc. Watch at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/Listof/tabid/57/ListID/15929/Default.aspx
96. Organize my pantry more efficiently
97. Be brave CHECK!
98. Ask for help when I need it
99. Laugh til I cry CHECK!
100. Cook new meals CHECK!
101. Ease off on the self guilt CHECK!
102. Believe and remind myself I deserve more happy CHECK!
103. Try new foods CHECK!
104. Work on relationship with the folks CHECK!
105. Spend more time with my niece and nephew
106. Have confidence in the decisions I make and embrace them CHECK!
107. Make those I care about feel special CHECK!
108. Be open to possibilities, always CHECK!
109. Take opportunities and make them count CHECK!
110. Make a list for 2011

What is left...

7. Start a grad dip in IKM
To be fair, I changed my mind on this, and instead applie for Grad Entry Teaching. i find out Jan if I am accepted.

15. Exercise regularly
What is this word, regularly, you speak of?

16. Learn Italian
No suitable classes were offered. I keep looking...

17. Learn a dance – salsa!?
Ha.

18. Keep a diary
Very erratic, and very few entries.

19. Read a book a month for pleasure
Not even close.

21. Bake more
Um. No.

27. Buy or cut fresh flowers monthly min
Sadly, no, and I liked this one a lot.

30. Buy more shoes
Nope. I bought one pair. I dont think that counts.

31. Drive somewhere far - road trip!
No, another I really wanted, too.

34. Get massage
Nope. WANT.

37. Blog more
I was very slack this year, but it was a huge year...

40. Stay up all night
I dont think I have the stamina for it!

43. Learn to better apply make up - smoky eyes...
No real place to use it, so I didn't bother. FAIL!

45. Get a job
Nothing suitable, and I still want to be home with RJ, so this one never eventuated either.

47. Get more pedicures
Sadly, no. Aside from self administered!

48. Pierce my nose
Nope. Still undecided.

50. Swim in the ocean – beach hair!
Maybe next week on our beach holiday?

51. Mosaic again
Fail

52. Try pottery
Fail

53. Paint, even just once
Fail

54. Donate unused toys
I need to do this, still. The kids have boxes they don't touch.

55. Grow herb garden
Fail

56. Grow basic vegies
Fail

57. Watch Schindlers list
Fail

58. Stop worrying
I am trying. Not sure I will ever manage this one, though.

60. Learn a new word daily
Fail

61. Find something to be grateful for daily
Not conscientiously enough.

62. Plant a tree
Fail.

64. Wish on a shooting star
I haven't seen any! NOT MY FAULT. I blame the cosmos.

65. See a movie at a drive in
Fail.

70. Do more RAOK
Again, not enough and not enough conscious effort.

76. Buy more dresses
Fail

77. Monthly movie night
Fail... did okay, but not monthly.

78. Sleep more!
God I have trouble with this. I make inroads then regress. Its tough.

84. Get counselling
Fail. Ashamed.

89. Write a letter to myself 10 years in the future
Um.. Dear future me, I hope you found the happy. I hope you stayed brave. I hope you feel at peace, and lost the tension and stress of now. I believe in you.

90. Write a letter to the child me
Dear child me, you'll be ok. You are so much more than you believe. I wish I could hug you. You are amazing.

91. Organise my photos into albums on iPhoto
Fail

92. Write a haiku
Fail

4. In addition to reading a book for pleasure each month, read at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/12559/Books/The+Perfec...
I dont think I read ten books this year full stop.

95. In addition to movies for pleasure etc. Watch at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/Listof/tabid/57/ListID/15929/Default.aspx
Ditto.

96. Organize my pantry more efficiently
Fail

98. Ask for help when I need it
Another I have made inroads on, but could stand to take further.

105. Spend more time with my niece and nephew
This one upsets me most. Relationship with my brother worsened, and made this even harder. I really need to fix this one the most.

110. Make a list for 2011
FAIL!


Interesting... It was fun!

A beautiful birth day.

Today will go down as one of the most memorable, treasured and amazing days of my life. My lovely best friend, Megs, had her twin babies. From early on, she had asked me to be a support person at the birth, and I had been thrilled to accept. I had a holiday booked for late November, and the babes were not due until December 13th, but we were sure they would be here before then. As time went by, we got more and more nervous we had been wrong about that! Then, at 35 weeks and 2 days pregnant, at 445am, my phone rang.

"My waters just broke!!" Megan announced when I answered with my sleepy hello. That sure woke me up! I knew I needed to get up and moving and get on the road to meet her at the hospital, but it all seemed so surreal, and I had trouble getting moving, I seemed to be dilly dallying, though I was trying to move fast. Wake up fail.

At 5am, I was out the door and in the car, on my way. The entire drive in (takes me about 45min), I was driving toward sunrise, and the sky was the most spectacular shades of red, orange, pink and purple. Definitely a good omen, I thought to myself. I reminisced about the arrival of my 2 babes, and once I arrived, I took off from the carpark to the hospital. I know this girl. She births fast. Even if there ARE two.

At emergency, the registrar took me up to birthing and they let me in the suites. Andrew was outside the room, and said that Megs had just asked for me. I walked in and oh my god. There were at least 7 people in the room, aside from Megan. All nurses, midwives, doctors... One looked at me with that "And who are you??" look, and I offered that I was Megs support person, and was directed to her side.

Now, I have to say, when I was in labor with RJ, I yelled. A lot. Loudly. Megs was only saying "ow ow ow ow" - I was like really??? Are you kidding me!? What are you, superwoman?! She was amazing. I was so impressed, so inspired by her strength and determination. Megs had been told that because the babies were transverse (sideways), she would need a caesarian section, and she was understandably, worried and nervous about it. When I was standing by her side, I knew there was no way that was going on, she was in full on labor. Then I noticed there was a baby in the room! Sweet tiny Oliver Andrew was here already, my GOD! It had only been an hour since she called me!!! The doctor looked at me and said, "who are you? sister?" Andrew and I both said "YES." lol. He said that one baby had been born, breech, 2 minutes earlier, and the other was still floating, and not yet in position to be born, and it looked like surgery would be needed.

It was overwhelming to have so many in the room (several of the midwives said they were caught way off guard by not only a twin birth, but breech, and already in high intense phase, so I think they overcompensated for that!) - and Megs in pain was hard to bear. I suddenly felt for the role of partners in labour, its hard to see the person you love in pain and be unable to help them. Andrew was holding Megans hand and supporting her through contractions, and I was handed the most delightful little bundle. Little Oliver. He looked up at me, quiet, but interested. The little eyes blinking, trying to focus. I looked back at him with awe and wonder. There is something so magical about newborn babies. They restore your faith in a tough world. The innocence, the potential, the pure wonder.

Olly and I sat in the comfy chair and had a lovely cuddle, whilst the doctor said, "call for a C section please!" and I felt anxious for Megan again. No less than 30 seconds later, the doctor was covered in a burst of amniotic fluid as the amniotic sac burst. Nice shot, kiddo. Very impressive!! As I sat there, nursing one, tiny soul, I watched as another came into the world before my eyes, and the tears just flowed. Sebastian Kelly was born just 9 minutes after his older brother. It was the most amazing moment. 2 beautiful souls, my gorgeous best friend, birthing them HER way, and me in floods of tears of pride, joy, and excitement. Wow.

Little Sebastian had arrived, and let out a little cry as he was wrapped. The two babies were just amazing, and Andrew and I had cuddles while Megs was able to get more comfortable, before taking both babes for some long, special, skin on skin time. The 3 of us were on one hell of a high. When the babes were taken to special care, Andrew went along with them, and I was able to stay with Megan and hang out, both of us bouncy giggly excited. "TWO BABIES!!!!" was the catch cry of the day!

It took 2 hours before they came for Megs to take her up to see her babies, bloody slack hospital. But watching she and Andrew snuggle their 2 new boys, my heart just sang. It was so special. I took some photos, and then Jack and Lew arrived. I was able to witness them meet their little brothers for the first time. My heart near burst. 4 beautiful babies. My honorary nephews, all 4. Both bigger boys instantly adored the babies, kissing them, and smiling grins of wonder and delight. I left soon after... smiled all the way home.

I felt so closely bonded to Megan and Andrew, these 2 had been my best friends for years, but there was something indescribable about sharing such an intimate, enormous, life event with them. I felt so privileged to be included. Beyond that, having a baby named after me? Is something I can not effectively communicate. I tear up every time I think of it. There IS no bigger honour. I thought that being Lewis and Jack's godmother was huge. That being there for the twins birth was huge. This just blows me away. I've never felt so special in my life, as I do tonight.

I am so grateful, that they have made me such an integral part of their family, of their childrens lives. I can't wait to see these boys grow into men. I will cherish the friendship of this family until the day I die. What a lucky woman I am.

On being deaf

For the past 5 and a half weeks now, I have had a blocked ear. I perforated my eardrum, and its taking a few weeks to heal. You think you can imagine being deaf. Even partially. You think that when you get a deaf ear for a day or so that you know what it is like, but I am telling you - you don't.

It really is debilitating. It impacts in so many ways you'd not even realise. The first 2 weeks the hearing loss was quite profound, I found that my sense of spatial awareness was warped, I paid for petrol and walked into a display of water bottles. The attendant probably thought I was drunk. I stood in the chemist smiling blankly, unaware my name was being called to collect my prescription. I was so embarrassed.

Because I was unable to hear, I avoided people. It was too embarrassing to endlessly say 'Pardon? pardon? pardon?' so I became socially isolated. I had no idea what was going on on television, unless I could turn subtitles on. My balance was a bit wobbly. I would hear a noise, and be unable to properly place it, nor it's direction - that was genuinely a scary feeling at times. I didn't know what was going on and whether i needed to be in fight or flight mode or not. People laugh or stir you for your mishearing. They think it is funny. Or, even worse, they get angry and frustrated that you can't hear them and have to keep asking them to repeat themselves.

My mother has been deaf in one ear for many years now. She often talked about the frustration and depression that she felt as a result of it. I always empathised, but I never truly understood until now. My ear is still not healed. It almost pops, but then not quite. I am scared I will never regain proper hearing, but it has restored substantially from those first few weeks, so I feel lucky anyway.

Funny how it can take actually walking a mile, to truly gain real empathy and compassion. I thought I was, now I know better. If someone has trouble hearing you, please, show patience, kindness, and understanding. It will mean a lot.

Don't have kids? Apparently, you're an idiot.

I recently saw many of my friends post the following article on their facebook page. I couldn't open it to even read it for a week or two. The title alone made me too angry.



Why? Because the title is already implying that people without children are stupid and do not know better, and that motherhood is an exclusive club.

Bull. Shit.

Smug crap. It still to this day, raises my hackles. Yes, I am a mother, but I never, ever ever forget, that some can't. Some struggle. Some don't need this kinda stuff thrown about as a joke. Some just don't WANT to. Sure, motherhood can be hard work, but do we need to imply anyone who doesn't give it due credit is a moron? We're not heroes. We're not martyrs. Motherhood is NOT an exclusive club, and people who do not have children are not stupid or worthy of the eyeroll implied in this article. Their opinions on topics involving children are just as valid as those with children. Please, don't make a huge mistake and forget that.

Adult High School

I was thinking the other day, that sometimes I see the patterns of high school repeat in adult life. In high school, for a while, I hung out with the in crowd. They would bitch about one another behind their back, so I knew I would be copping my fair share as well, but I figured there was not really anyone else to sit with, so I stayed.

In my last year of high school, I made some new friends. They were not the in crowd, but they were cooler than them anyway (they just felt no need to shout it from rooftops...) And they were my kinda people. The in crowd would either rubbish or ignore them, but I wished I had found them earlier than 17.

As an adult, I have discovered a similar thing. A vocal majority may disparage someone for various reasons... maybe they whine a lot. Maybe they are religious, or do not engage in certain memes or behaviours that their values do not align with... But often, these people are "my people." Often, I find that the friendships offered are stronger, more genuine, longer lasting, and less fair weather, than those with a louder voice. "Choose your friends wisely" - indeed.

I think sometimes we get so caught up in fitting in, even as adults, in saying the right things. Being witty, being clever. Sometimes - especially in the online world - I find it hard to distinguish the real people from the personas they create. Larger than life characters, but not 'real' people. If you put the real you out there, though, and you're accepted and loved - no feeling in the world beats that. 1 true friend over 100 people adoring someone that isn't really me... No contest.

Just something to consider over the weekend. Enjoy it :)

Follow Up

Further to the other day, I wanted to share this video with you -




It breaks my heart. What are we as parents doing wrong to have this all go so wrong of late? Why are we perpetuating these judgmental and cruel perspectives? Why are we not teaching our children that different is okay - regardless of its form? People are going through so much pain. Bullying is awful in any form, be it because a kid is gay, different looking, or smart, or fat, or whatever it might be.

Isn't it difference that makes us each special and unique?? Is it not difference that makes us who we are, that special someone to someone else? Sometimes it is the very things I can't stand about myself, that another may love. I just wish we could love our children, and raise them to love one another. To accept one another. I feel this is a revolution of change right now, and I truly hope that momentum continues to build and society keeps being forced to pay attention, to make changes, and to open their minds.

Religion and Homosexuality

It has been a long time since I blogged, personally. I have been blogging semi-regularly over at kellysmith.com.au in a professional capacity, but what better way to return to personal blogging than with a wowzer of a controversial topic?! How very me.

This link is the one in a string I have read on twitter this week, relating to suicides of young people, due to bullying, and often as a result of homosexuality. Two stood out to me this morning, and have really affected me - enough to prompt me to blog, anyway. Aside from the previous link, this blog entry at Scary Mommy, written by a guest blogger (@TexanMama) really upset me.

I don't understand it. How can someone be so upset that their kids teacher is gay? I wouldn't have a clue if F's teacher is gay, straight or all of the above. And you know what, if she was, and it DID affect the discussions and focus of the teaching, then great! I am all for his mind being opened to all kinds of walks of life. The more he understands we are all different - and that's okay - the better.

How can love be wrong? Ever? How??? Isn't love the entire point? Isn't that what we are here for? How can that ever be wrong??? And if your God is telling you it is, surely there is some problem there? I am not religious. AT ALL. Organized religions do nothing but upset me. I am spiritual. I believe... in something. Maybe. Organized religions seem to be nothing but trouble and hatred and judging.

Our children, teenagers all over the world, are KILLING THEMSELVES. They are dying. Because they are not accepted. Because they cannot bear to be alive in a world that tells them they are evil, wrong, and unworthy, simply because of who they are. How tragic is that?? Why does it bother you, what other people do and who they love? Why does it bother you that a childs role model is openly gay? They NEED these role models. They need to see that love is always okay. F asked me once about a friend at school that had 2 mums, and I explained that families are all kinds of different. 2 mums, 2 dads, one of each, only one, grandparents... That some people marry boys, some marry girls, and every match up is okay. So long as people are happy and in love!

I feel heavy hearted that people advocate and spout this sort of stuff. Someone asked how would I feel if F were to become a conservative christian, in the same way we ask those people how they'd feel if their children were gay. How would I feel? I would love him. I would respect his choices. And I would appreciate all that is wondrous, beautiful, and loving about him, the same way that I do now. Why is that such a hard concept for anyone to grasp?

I wish I could inspire a revolution of change. I wish I could end the homophobia and bigotry, and it desperately upsets me that I am just one person. All I can do is ensure that I raise the 2 children I have with open minds, and loving hearts. Regardless of creed, sexuality, or anything else. It's the best I can do.

My boy is home...

Sadface.

R.I.P. My darling boy

This morning, my beautiful Henry, was put to sleep. I read this poem yesterday, and spent most of the day crying. I am going to miss him so much. It aches, so terribly.


Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...



R.I.P. Hendrix 1995-2010
I miss you already, my beautiful, loyal, nuppy. Thank you for your comfort, love, and loyalty over eleven long years. You were one in a million, mate. I love you.

You all should know...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too
busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than an poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
THEN, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

Author Unknown

Saying Goodbye

How do you say goodbye to your best friend?? The little furry baby that has been part of your life, and a great deal of your heart for over 11 years?

My darling Hendrix, ran away over the long weekend. Thankfully, he was picked up by a vet, the end result was a conversation I had been planning to schedule with a vet in the next few months, but it was thrust upon me before I was ready. And she told me what I didn't want to hear. What I knew i would hear, but didn't want to.

It's time.

Hendrix is 14. He has all kinds of old dog problems. He has a heart murmur, dodgy lumps, losing weight, bad teeth... And he has been getting steadily worse. We needed a professional opinion about what was best for him. And today, I got it.

It's time.

I remember the day we found him wandering about our front yard in Warrnambool. It was December 13th, 1998. Josh's birthday and I was having an afternoon nanna nap. I had wanted a dog for some time, but was still umming and ahhing over committing to it. Hendrix decided for me. I woke up to J coming into the room, carrying this sweet, white, fluffball. I thought I was dreaming! I was so excited! He was so lovely. We kept him that weekend, he had a tag so on Monday morning, i called the council to find his owner. "A dalmation is it?" she asked. "er, no!" I replied looking at the little white ball of fluff at my feet. "Are you sure?!" She asked me. "Quite!" I answered, laughing, and described him. She called me back later, the owner had found him, and was looking for a home for him. She had put one of her dogs old tags on him in the meantime. I hung up and looked at Josh. "I WANT HIM!!!" I said, bursting into tears. We called her back and explained we were going away for Christmas, but could she PLEASE hold onto him for us until we returned from interstate. She agreed. Yay! She had found him roaming the countryside near Mortlake, matted fur, injured, hungry. A vet had fixed him up and groomed him, and he was about 3 years old, they guessed, though his teeth were fairly poor condition and at first made them think he was even older.

And he has been with me ever since. For everything. He was my baby before I had babies. Slept on my bed at night, took him for beach walks and to my parents farm visiting. When J and I separated the first time, and I was alone, and pregnant, and terrified - he was there every night, all night, to comfort me. He would nuzzle in when I cried, guard me, in a sense. He was there and graciously accepted the demotion when Finn was born, and again with RJ, never acting hurt or resentful. Gentle with the babies, loyal to the end.

He's been there for 5 house moves, he has escaped at least half a dozen times, but his tag always bought him home (except this last time). He has been, without a doubt, my best mate for a long time. I can't imagine how much I will miss hearing the click clack of his nails on the floor. Or feeling his warmth leaning against my legs for a cuddle. Even hearing that incessant yap yap yapping that drives me nuts! :)

I am glad that at least we can have a chance to say goodbye. To spend the next 4 days feeding him gourmet meat and scratching him behind the ears like he loves, for hours at a time. At 1130am on Saturday, I will be with him, at the vets. I will be there holding him, stroking him, and making sure that the last thing he hears, will be me saying "thank you" and "I love you."

So heartbroken. I love you HennyPen. Twosance. Nuisance. You-ey. Louise. Louie. Unnawee. Pendrix. Henry. Hendrix. Thank you for all the joy you bought to our family. You will be in my heart, always, mate.

You never stop missing them...

People you love, that you lose. It never gets easier. Every so often, I dream about him, or I talk to someone about him, and I miss him, still. I know it is a stupid thing to say, an obvious thing, but I wish he had never died. I still get sad. Almost 3 years later now, and I still get sad when I think of him, when I think of the funeral, of the burial.

No point to this, other than to just mention that I'm thinking of you, W. Miss you.

AWOL

Apologies for my extended absence. Life has been exceptionally busy of late! I went to my beloved America, and I loved her. It was an amazing trip in so many ways, so very life changing. It certainly has given me a travel bug and itchy feet (which both sound

like I need a cream or something, but are Very Good Things!)

It was good to come home, but it was difficult. I would love to return. Some day...

Things have been difficult since the separation with J. It's hard in a lot of ways, but i still believe it was the right thing to do.

Right now, I want to focus on me, and filling my life with things that I love. Things that make me happy. I am investigating a bunch of things... I set my desk up again, and am getting back into the writing daily habit. I am investigating Italian classes - or dra

gging out my books and teaching myself again. I am investigating cooking classes, book clubs, theatre groups... Trying to find something that will enrich my life, that is realistically within reach (literally, close enough to home) and affordable, and that is the right timing (missed term 2 start). I'll keep looking.

It's time for me.

All images from http://weheartit.com/

Sucky Anniversary.

This weekend, 12 months ago, I discovered my Mum had breast cancer.

Tonight, I seem to be falling apart. Always surprises me. I ought to know better, grief has no rules, huh? All it takes is one little thing, can be totally unrelated, and the head is yanked from the sand and off it goes.

All these memories are swirling around my head and I can't seem to stop crying.

I remember her saying "I've got breast cancer" and my world felt as though it had shifted right off it's axis. My head literally spun and I felt like I was dreaming, life didn't feel real. I remember gulping to stop myself sobbing. I remember the look on my Dad's face. The fear. The sad. The fact that he could hardly speak. His voice cracked.

I remember 2 weeks later, her telling me how scared she was. Her tears. For the first time to me, she looked old and tired. And so vulnerable.

Getting drunk and high with my sister to escape.

Reading about the precautions post chemo, the extent that was needed to keep her and anyone else safe from the poison. Scared.

Her screaming when she set the kitchen on fire. The realisation at that moment that things were very wrong. She was not Mum as I knew her.

Her head in a turban. Bald.

Watching the chemo mix - bright red - travel up the line into her arm and wanting to rip it out, yet being so fucking grateful it was there.

Crying so much, needing mild sedation.

Feeling grateful that her odds were so good.

The relief at the end of her treatment cycle.

So much fear.



Thank god it is over. Thank god she was so lucky and caught it early. My heart aches for those who are not as lucky.

My heart hurts tonight. I need vodka.

Australia Day

I realise this entry is several days too late, but some bastard spiked my drink with HEAPS of vodka, then force fed me beer until I was completely shitfaced on Australia Day.

So belatedly, what does it mean to you? I asked my 6yo this question, what does he like about being Australian - he pondered the question, then responded: "you know what I don't like?" "What?" "That we don't have Halloween or jackalantas in Australia." (Seriously, 3 months on, we still have not let that go?!) But when pressed for what he does like, he said "that we have lots of food and things here." He is often thinking of our sponsor child, Zainabu, who lives in Uganda, in these things.

It raises much debate, Australia Day. Predominantly, do we want a republic? Do we want a new flag? Do we need a new anthem? What is our national dish? Do we even HAVE a clear identity?

We're a relatively new country, we're still finding out identity, in my opinion. I am undecided on a republic, but I lean toward it. I like our flag, though. Who cares if it has the Union Jack - regardless of whether we ever become a republic, Britain will always be an enormous part of our history, so big deal. That flag has meant so much to so many throughout history, I don't like the idea of changing it. But does it reflect enough of our history? What about BEFORE the white people landed and took over? Related: Australia Day is a bit strange... celebrating the day we started hunting Aboriginals like animals is not cause for celebration. I like the idea of celebrating it the day before. The day before it all changed.

And YES we need a new anthem. Seriously... girt by sea? Who uses the word girt, like ever?! And strains ought not be joyful. Not a fan of that song at all. And don't be replacing it with Waltzing Matilda which makes Aussies seem like thieving convict bastards one and all. Use a shortened version of the 'I am, You are, We are Australia' song. That's much better.

So, what is our national dish? I voted a bbq'd sausage in bread... roast lamb would be up there... prawns... The good old lamington... Actually, I think it's the boring but certainly instantly identifiable as Australian Vegemite sambo, isn't it!? With a glass of Milo. And a tim tam. That's Aussie food! (tried to write tucker or grub there, couldn't do it).

I love being an Aussie, and to me, Australia Day usually means a BBQ, some drinks, Triple J's Hottest 100, and friends. And being grateful that I live in such a beautiful and free country. What are your thoughts?

Travels

45 days and I leave for the U.S. - rather excited now, starting to buy bits and pieces and get myself organised. I am a master of lists! No doubt this trip will push me in all kinds of new ways, and I am really looking forward to seeing who I am when I come out the other side of it. I suspect I will be quite changed.

I was looking for tips for the flight the other day, came across this blog article that made me chuckle. Extra bonus? Vomit bag anecdotes. LOL! I have stocked up on books (I have The Alchemy of Loss, The Time of My Life and Notes Left Behind as well as a chicklit novel), and will ensure I have writing materials with me. Mostly, I am hoping to sleep.

Given it is the first major trip I have done, I am more than welcoming travel tips and packing essentials, let me know yours.

Fear

Awake since 4am. Can't sleep. Got a text from a friend last night mentioning she may be looking at breast cancer.

And here we go again.

I'm hopeful it is not. It's not a definitive dx yet. But it's dredged more crap up.

How do you ever shake the fear of it returning? Every 3m mum sees the oncologist. She just had her first post cancer mammogram (clear!!) and she sees the surgeon again soon as well. They keep very close watch, for this I'm grateful.

But sometimes, like when I wake at 4am, I'm gripped by this incapacitating fear. It's overwhelming. It won't return. Right?

Holy exclamations, Batman!!

This had me laughing to tears. "Holy rising hemlines Batman!!" Some of them are so funny. All the hand punching and glove adjustment.. oh my..

Cherry Blossom tattoo...

So waaaay back here at the start of my blog, I started talking about getting a tattoo. Then I thought more about it here, but still debated. I finally came up with a design I liked, and a whereabouts I was happy with (inside left wrist), and I took the plunge. You know, they are right when they say tattoos are addictive, I have another in planning stage already. Anyhoo, here it is, my cherry blossom tattoo, with the kanjii for the word Natsukashii.

110 in 2010

Over at Twitter, the gorgeous @Sarahndipitea inspired me to create a list of 110 goals for the year 2010. I ought to have made the first one finding 110 things to list... It took some time! But, here it is. 110 things that I want to achieve in 2010. If you are interested in writing your own list, join us here, or, just comment and add a link back so I can read what it is you want to do this year. Dream big.


1. Visit an o/s country
2. Take risks
3. Travel more – locally, Aus, Abroad
4. Meet new people
5. Make more friends
6. Let more people in
7. Start a grad dip in IKM
8. Write
9. Create
10. Look after me
11. Get a tattoo
12. Stand in the rain til I am soaked through
13. Be loved
14. Appreciate Friends
15. Exercise regularly
16. Learn Italian
17. Learn a dance – salsa!?
18. Keep a diary
19. Read a book a month for pleasure
20. Cultivate a stronger sense of self
21. Bake more
22. Clean closets and give away or throw out things I don’t wear
23. Hang pictures
24. Take kids to zoo
25. Buy luggage
26. Conquer long haul flight
27. Buy or cut fresh flowers monthly min
28. Find new music
29. Decorate the house
30. Buy more shoes
31. Drive somewhere far - road trip!
32. Laugh more
33. Treat my hair more
34. Get massage
35. Drink less coffee
36. Expand movie collection
37. Blog more
38. Attend a concert
39. Watch a sunrise
40. Stay up all night
41. Watch a sunset
42. Buy more pretty things
43. Learn to better apply make up - smoky eyes...
44. Save $500 for no real purpose.
45. Get a job
46. Buy more pretty lingerie
47. Get more pedicures
48. Pierce my nose
49. Stay in bed all day with dvds and/or books
50. Swim in the ocean – beach hair!
51. Mosaic again
52. Try pottery
53. Paint, even just once
54. Donate unused toys
55. Grow herb garden
56. Grow basic vegies
57. Watch Schindlers list
58. Stop worrying
59. Attend a St Patricks Day parade
60. Learn a new word daily
61. Find something to be grateful for daily
62. Plant a tree
63. Kiss in the rain
64. Wish on a shooting star
65. See a movie at a drive in
66. Research Infertility book
67. Be more positive
68. Talk to strangers more
69. Take more photos
70. Do more RAOK
71. Compliment others often
72. Learn to relax
73. Be more environmentally friendly
74. Don’t strangle anybody! (Hoping this is my definite achieved item...)
75. Keep a budget
76. Buy more dresses
77. Monthly movie night
78. Sleep more!
79. Read with kids regularly
80. Have fun with Finns school lunches and introduce new foods
81. Take Finn to scienceworks
82. Spend more time alone
83. Take kids to the beach
84. Get counselling
85. Move house or revamp current
86. Hug kids at least twice a day
87. Tell kids I love them at least twice every day
88. Explore San Fran in March
89. Write a letter to myself 10 years in the future
90. Write a letter to the child me
91. Organise my photos into albums on iPhoto
92. Write a haiku
93. Have someone read to me out loud
94. In addition to reading a book for pleasure each month, read at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/12559/Books/The+Perfec...
95. In addition to movies for pleasure etc. Watch at least 10 from this list: http://www.listafterlist.com/Listof/tabid/57/ListID/15929/Default.aspx
96. Organize my pantry more efficiently
97. Be brave
98. Ask for help when I need it
99. Laugh til I cry
100. Cook new meals
101. Ease off on the self guilt
102. Believe and remind myself I deserve more happy
103. Try new foods
104. Work on relationship with the folks
105. Spend more time with my niece and nephew
106. Have confidence in the decisions I make and embrace them
107. Make those I care about feel special
108. Be open to possibilities, always
109. Take opportunities and make them count
110. Make a list for 2011

Creme de la Creme of 2009

The amazing Stirrup Queen has again compiled the awesome Creme de la Creme list for the year.

"So what is the Creme de la Creme list if this is your first time here? It was started as a response to the many blogging awards that are given out each winter. I expanded the idea of presenting “the best” to include a post from every blog in the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) world*. Every blogger has a personal best that deserves recognition. As editor of the list, I create the small blurbs after the title which serve as a doorway to the post. I hope they will help you find what you are seeking to read as well as show definitively the diversity of experience and emotion within the ALI community."

Find the list and some of the most amazing, inspirational, heartbreaking, blog entries from 2009 in the ALI world... you name it, you can find it HERE. I hear #16 is especially awesome (shortcut). ;-)