I hate being sick, its so depressing. Whats so hard about curing the common cold anyway? Come ON scientist type people. Bah.
Also, most people know I cancelled Italy, very happy with the decision, no regrets, only confirmations that it was right. I refunded Lea her deposit since it was my decision, even though I couldn't really afford to - it was the right thing to do. We're having a mini holiday in Tassie as a family in November, and then a week on the gold coast next March (ish). Looking forward to both!!
I think I will stay in bed today and sleep. ugh. Sore throat, tired, stuffy head... I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!!!!
ETA: It seems a disclaimer is needed. Please be aware at no time did Leanne ASK for a deposit or guilt me into giving it back, it was what I felt was right. It is obvious, I would think, that no one can easily afford to throw away $250 let alone a total of $500, but again, I felt it was the fair thing to do. Some have said a portion was fair, or a booking is made knowing stuff can happen, but this was what I decided, and my offer, because it felt like the right thing to do. I hope this is now ABUNDANTLY clear?! Good!
I hate being sick, its so depressing. Whats so hard about curing the common cold anyway? Come ON scientist type people. Bah.
So, have you forgiven me yet? I confessed, after all, so you have to give me kudos for that right? Least I got most of you commenting, sheesh, throw a dog a bone sometimes!! Some of you feel sorry for my Mum... Poor old Mum. She has a patience level that is really high, so high in fact, that it became my duty - as elected by my siblings* - to be the child to test how high it actually went. When I was 17, I was a nightmare of a teenager. I was hanging out to leave home, and get some freedom, felt so cramped... so I pushed those limits effectively and found they are not actually infinite. She does have a level at which patience runs out! Not so superhuman after all eh Ma?! teehee. Poor Mum, she threw a plate when it ran out. Smashed it on the kitchen floor. Was met by "Oh yeah, real mature Mum" from my sneering 17 year old face which must have made her want to empty the entire china cabinet. How we are best of mates these days is anyones guess! :D
After I wrote up the last entry, Mum and J both said "Geez I wonder where Adrian is these days?" So I googled him, and google knows all! Turns out he is a very successful short film and commercial director. So I sent him an email and have been in hysterics ever since. The memories the two of us have been dredging up are fantastic! He recalls things I have no recollection of.
He swears I went through a phase of drinking hot water from a thermos. What the!? Who DOES that?! Man, I was a little freak. I reminded him of the time we all broke into a house across the vacant lot, and found guns in there (which, come to think of it, may well have been pretend). He doesn't remember that (but this could be a ploy to escape prosecution if ever our 9 year old selves are identified). I confessed that the kidnap attempt was entirely false too, and he was both horrified and amused...
Some pretty funny memories about school too (we went to the same primary school til we moved away when I was 10). It was living next door to Adrian and his beautiful Italian family, along with learning the language at school, that first planted the seed of love for Italy with me. The amazing food, the rhythmic language that sounded musical to my child ears... its no wonder.
Oh the laughs I am having now at our hijinks! We wanted a dog, so we made Adrian help us make posters and we walked around the front yard chanting "we want a dog! we want a dog!" til my parents (tearing their hair out no doubt) acquiesced.
I was somewhat naughty as a teenager too, but as Leanne and I have discussed, most teens are, its just that I was stupid enough to get caught... I am not telling those stories though! :P Fun times as a kid with Adrian though, I hope Finn has a neighbour or a friend that he gets up to mischief with soon. Only, not quite the same level as his mother, preferably. That would really be too karmic.
*I may or may not have made that part up.
I am still not telling you my secret. Its a good one though, mortifying, but sort of funny. Very naughty!!
But I did want to share that I got some writing back this week from uni, my young adult unit. The feedback was really good, some excellent suggestions, most of my trouble, my lecturer felt, came from being cramped by the word limit. She said to keep at my writing because my " sense of voice and emotional intensity/anxiety are top notch."
I sent her an email thanking her for the feedback and saying I am going to have a go at extending it into novel length as she suggested, and that I appreciated her critique. I said that I have no idea if I have any talent as such, but that I love writing, so I will do it anyway! She replied with the following:
Hey, for what it's worth, I do think you do have talent as a writer. I'm kind of nervous about putting forth that kind of subjective commentary as part of the assessment comments because they're based on taste rather than the kind of literary criteria I try to focus through when I mark. And to be honest, my taste is a long way from what publishers seem to publish. so much YA is frankly terrible in my view and so I do also feel worried that I'd be off the track in commenting on the quality of your work. but in this format, I'm happy to say I really like it. gawd, put your stuff against (in the fantasy stuff) Eragon, and you're streets ahead - especially in terms of originality. All the writers I know who have made it just suffer through the slog and the humiliation of lots of rejections, lots of rewriting and lots of horrible moments of writers block until they finally crack something that is published. So try to stay emotionally strong and, as you suggest, stay focused on the pleasure you get from the process without over investing in the outcome - recipe for sanity in my humble opinion. keep in touch if you need anything along the way.
In all honesty, its left me gobsmacked and frankly, I think she must have mixed me up with another student! Its inspired me though, I do believe in myself, just have to keep plugging away.
I know you are all reading. Whats sad is that I am writing assuming no one is anyway! Then it gets mentioned in conversation and I think, oh, I'm not actually talking to myself. I would though, if you stopped reading, I am not proud.
Want to know something about me no one else knows? Aside from my family of course? It is my most shameful moment actually, I still cannot believe I did it! I was only 8 or 9 or so, and I confessed after the police had been and gone again.
Truly. It's rather scandalous. Dying to know? I'll tell you next time! Dare you to guess...
I asked the universe for something yesterday, so when the phone rang today and it was a strangers voice asking for me, I quite naturally assumed it had eventuated. I was rather miffed to discover it was market research... I really did think for that split second that of COURSE thats what it is, because I asked for it.
Hmm. Still waiting then, give it a couple of weeks. :D
Resuming normal transmission...
I really should be taking this uni free time to do some writing and yet I have not done a word in a week. I have lost all faith in myself. Why is it so? I always seem to have other stuff to do when the boy is at school and its so hard when he is home. Also, I seem to be dithering. Finish the pile of shite that is my longest (so closest to finished) manuscript; or just start a new one? Tell me what to do, I don't know. My brain hurts.
The new one that I have in mind will need a lot of research so actually, I should research it AND write the other. Yes. I think that makes most sense. Research I can generally do in dribs and drabs when Finn is home too, and save the alone time for writing.
Goodo. Thanks for sorting that for me.
Infertility stuff. When people don't get it they can be cruel and they can be arrogant.
It still hurts, theres so much pain, so much frustration. I want to get people and slap them and MAKE them understand. I know it takes a stretch to 'get it' but fuck sake. I admire people who can express grief that is pretty (thats Megs for that word, thats it exactly) - good for them. I can't, its not a conscious decision, its just how it erupts, and because of that - I am shunned and attacked and ignored because people get defensive at my anger.
People, in general, are mostly selfish and superficial I have decided. What keeps me sane is the other infert girls, and the bunch of women - not infertile - but who GET IT and who accept me flaws and all, and love me anyway. I love those women, they won't ever know just how much they saved this one little person... I wish I could thank them properly, because without them... I just don't know.
The topic of termination/abortion. Its a doozy, wouldn't you agree?
I swing all over the place on it. I have friends who have had to make that choice, and I don't think less of them for it, of course I don't. How can I know til I am in those shoes right? Finns conception was not ideal... J and I had split, I had a job and a plane ticket and was outta here... But the thought of not having my little man about... far out. The world would miss out.
Because of my infertility, though, it becomes REALLY hard. I see my closest friends go through hell, IVF after IVF, invasive procedures, hospitalised and in agony with over stimmed ovaries and stuff... friends who cannot conceive and cannot afford to try any longer so have to accept a childless or imperfect family make up.... people who have beautiful hearts and would make amazing parents... Would give a limb to be able to have what others terminate.
I don't begrudge people in awful choice-less (or all but) circumstances that option, not at all. But some use it when "oops, withdrawal method not so reliable.." well no shit. Or "oops, can't really afford a plasma AND a baby so.." that to me is wrong. Thats a life with hopes and dreams and who could give so much to the world... I struggle.
I don't express pain well. Geez that has been told to me a few times. I am too angry apparently. Some people, when they feel pain, will cry or will tell people they are crying or desperate or upset. Other people like this, because they enjoy the role of comforter. They like that its "easy" to address or help. They're selfish in their giving comfort, they like what they can handle, mostly.
I don't do that. I get angry. I lash out and I swear and rant and rave. People don't like that, and they don't realise it is an expression of pain, they see it as someone who is being mean or nasty or whatever. They can't step outside their square - and even when directly told, they still say nope, not worthy of my concern, doesn't fit my criteria. Too angry. Can't handle that one! So, should I not say anything, at all, and bottle my grief, or do I let it out in the only way I know how?
And if I do, does that make me evil? Bitter, sure, I accept that. But a horrible person with blatant disregard and immaturity? I don't think thats fair.
On another note, I should be writing. I have an idea, its brewing, but I should be doing something with it. Its all well and good to use the excuse of Finn being home and it is true I can't concentrate and get into a flow, but I didn't use my singular Finn-free morning at home this week to write, I researched and I read. Which is important but I want to get the current story finished so I can start the new one. It has to be so.
When Finn is at school more, 4 mornings next year, then full-time, and I can write more frequently; I want to re-create my study. I have tried this before, you understand, and it just didn't work. The space was perfect, I still really love the study I created, but I just don't go in there and use it. I think because its sort of separate to the rest of the house and I feel really shut off. Which really is a good thing for writing, but I feel anti social or something. It just doesn't work. Perhaps it will when I have more time to spend there.
So finally, I am on break from uni, semester is finished. Thats half of my grad dip and 1/3 of my masters complete. Woot! Go me! Next semester I am studying: Texts for Young Adults (really not sure why I chose this one and having second thoughts simply because it has no creative options, its pure lit); Reviewing (am thinking freelance...); Travel Writing and Fiction B.
I am still considering a few swaps (I have made so many, can't settle on final choices). I like the idea of life writing (memoirs), and publishing might be handy also. The problem is there are more semester 2 units I want to do than there are semester 1. I really need to make my mind up very soon, and I am freaking out a bit about it.
I am doing that same what I want V's what is more practical or what would most likely lead to employment. I know that I don't need to do that, but a masters costs a lot of money. And if I never get anywhere with my writing, then wouldn't it be somewhat wasteful? Indulgent? Or should I just say screw it and take the risk. This seems to be a recurring theme. I just don't know that I have it. Or not enough of it to be successful. But there is only one way to find out and if I don't do it fully, then I will always have an excuse or a doubt. If I give it my all, 110%, then I give myself the best chance, right? I am terrified my Fiction A lecturer will see my name on the enrol list for Fic B and life writing and shake her head and think "poor deluded girl..."
Really, how lucky i am to have the opportunity to even try and give it the time, devotion and money it requires. That is a gift to be embraced, not to cautiously hesitate about. Decision made. Scrap texts for young adults, life writing it is.
I know some of you are reading because several of you have now mentioned yesterdays horrible entry to me! teehee! Spooked you all out of hiding eh?!
I went and visited my godson this morning, he is soooo cute. One month old and weighs what Finn did at birth! Big boofer son of mine! Just gorgeous though, is this newborn child, very special!
I think we are making a big television type purchase this weekend. J is obsessed. Let him get it and lets move on I say! Men and their gadgets, what is that about anyway!?!?
PS How many !'s was that this entry? Please subscribe me to !'s anonymous!
WARNING: Graphic content.
There are some sick bastards in the world.... I have spent most of today doing some research for a book I want to write. I was immersed in the crime library looking at criminal psychology and psychopaths.. far out. Makes the head spin a bit, the skin crawl...
There were so many full on and freaky cases, I think the most violent was the notorious Jeffrey Dahmer... *shudder.* But the one I found the most amazing and interesting was the case of the 'ripper rapists' and victim Alison Botha. Oh. My. God.
She was a south african woman who was abducted at knifepoint, raped and then had her throat slashed and her stomach sliced open. She literally had to hold her intestines in, pull her head back into place from flapping backwards.... and SHE SURVIVED. How??? Fark. I am shocked at reading excerpts from her book. Just shocking..
How would you go to trial in that case? I think I'd spend the rest of my life terrified they would get parole early and come after me again (they both got life sentences). How awful in so many ways... Far out. Speechless and feel rather ill after reading that :(
It is amazing how sheltered the lives we lead are, that there is this whole element to society that we choose not to know about, for the most part. That we do not explore what actually goes on in life sometimes, it makes my head just spin... that there are people out there that do all these freaky things and we go on oblivious, worrying about the latest gas bill or whatever.. trivial shit. So many of us have no idea. I guess ignorance is bliss - certainly does no one any benefit to know what murky elements are out there. Back to my world of baking and school and cleaning the shower. Fark.
An escape package at a dayspa in Daylesford/Hepburn Springs...
One night package which includes accommodation, buffet breakfast, 2 course lunch, 3 course dinner, 60min Li'Tya Kodo massage, 45min Li'Tya Mirri Facial, Hydrotherapy bath and 60min retreat access pass.
The massage is "inspired by traditional aboriginal techniques which work to balance and re-align energy flow, enhancing mind and body wellness etc."
The facial is a "pressure point massage to relieve stress and tension whilst stimulating circulation. Incorporates scalp and shoulder massage..."
Hydrotherapy bath is "180 power jets massage away stress and tension leaving you feeling fresh and revived."
Retreat access pass is in mineral waters, "dip into the cool plunge pool then slip into the deep hot spa. Wander between 3 different saunas/steam rooms before enjoying a herbal tea in the lounge on on the sun deck."
How divine.... Costs a fortune, but so what?! I deserve it! :D
I turn 30 this year and I have no idea what I should do to mark it. I would like to do something a little bit special, but I am not sure what to do about it.
Perhaps a night away in a spa place? Sky dive?! (nix that). Party? 5 months to decide. 5 months remaining of my twenties, that freaks me out a bit actually, when did I get old? I still think I am about 23! Must be something original and fun and special that I can do?
I am not normally a perfectionist, but when my lecturer offered to help me perfect my last assignment, even though it meant an extension, I went for it. Stupidly, that meant that I should be finished now but I am still reading, revising and trying to understand...
This semester I have completed 'Driven to Write' a unit that required a creative piece targeted at a teen audience, as well as an exegesis dissecting 3 young adults novels and applying genre conventions to my creative stuff. It was a really good unit, I got a lot out of that one.
I also did a unit of Editing, which I enjoyed, but found so tedious and complicated! All those little symbols and so many types of editing... I had no idea. Learned much from this unit too and at first I had trouble getting the hang of it, but it ended up being something I enjoyed by the end.
I did a unit on fiction writing and the amount that I learned and developed in my writing from this unit was enormous. I got an awful lot of ideas about how to write, what to write and feedback on what I had written. It was really very good, although when I started I was utterly terrified. The other students seemed to be a lot less green than I was/am! It was challenging and I really loved that.
And I did a unit called 'The literature of sadness' which I was unsure about but am so glad I went ahead with. It explored texts such as 'The wind up bird chronicle;' 'Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance' and others... then we had to write on them. Each of the 2 assignments had an option for a creative response which I chose. The first I wrote my own pathography (experience of illness) using infertility. The second is the one I am still perfecting. its a play about Melville's Bartleby. Need to perfect my rationale but no understanding of Felix Guattari's chaosmosis at ALL.
And this procrastinating is not helpful! ARGH!
Isn't he a spunk? I am really not, for the most part, a girl who gets into football. But how can one resist an Irish lad like Tadhg? Yesterday I went to the Swans v Hawthorn game with J, my sister and her fiancee. Geez we had a good time! They were drinking and I was DD, which basically meant I got to sit still while they were up and down for drinks and toilet breaks!
It gets a bit exciting at a game and I was finding it really funny that as we got into the 3rd and 4th quarters, people were getting fiestier faster and in greater volume. I guess they too were more alcohol fueled by then! And geez people get fired up at the footy!!!! Far out! The pride involved is amazing. Has anyone researched this because I found it so interesting that people could get SO into football, like they were an extension of the team and that it reflected on them personally if the team lost.
And the poor umpires, why would you? They can't do anything right by anyone! The abuse they cop is sort of funny. And why do people go if they are only going to whinge and clearly not enjoy themselves? The guy behind me spent the entire game complaining "that they don't play real footy anymore, they piss fart around, its not good to watch anymore, give me a country game anyday..." - seriously dude, if you don't like it, then why the hell are you paying money to BE here? Wanker!
Also, still trying to work out why there was someone in front of us with a west coast flag, wrong game man, not even close! Was a great time though, my sister is hilarious, she and I spent the game cracking jokes and giggling madly, I think the guy in front thought we were a little nuts, he kept turning and smiling at us indulgently, which only made us giggle louder. Besides, he had a WC flag so he was clearly unstable in many ways. An expensive day, a (large, given) cup of beer was $6 and bourbon was $8. Of course it helped I was not drinking but those 3 spent heaps. J and I are feeling rich after his payout of leave when he finished work last week so we grabbed some merchandise and stuff too, why not eh?!
Its nice too, to spend a day out with one another, minus the boy. We adore that kid, but its nice to do something for us too without needing to tend to him, need to do more of that I reckon. Yes, great day, only disappointment was that the whole attraction for me and my sister, the spunky Tadhg Kennelly, was off in the first MINUTE with an injury. We offered a rubdown but sadly, it was refused. More luck next time.
P.S. It shows how into the game itself I was that I forgot to say - WE WON!
I am homesick. Sort of... I lived in Warrnambool for 9 years, had lots of important life changing moments there and moved away 2 years ago. It is the perfect town, just a shitty location, too far from Melb, too far from family and I love where we are now...
But god I miss it. The beach, the Seanchai, fishtails, lake pertobe... sigh. A friend is going there for the long weekend and in telling her about it and the good spots, I have gotten all sad. Man I must be hormonal, I am genuinely upset and homesick feeling.
Must be time for me to visit too? :(
Are you a risk taker? I would have always thought I am reasonably so, but maybe age is getting to me. Recently, J was promoted and has offered for me to continue staying at home, and when the boy is of school age in 18months, to stay home and pursue my writing properly. I feel a bit guilty about the prospect, though I would love to take him up on it. How generous he is, he tells me he thinks I have talent and that he believes in me, god love him.
Thing is, I also want to contribute financially, and I am not sure that as a writer, I will cut it. Its so unlikely, so rare that one is published when you consider how many actually WANT to be. I have faith in myself, to an extent, but geez it calls for a big leap. Not sure I can do it! What prompted this post, was the receipt of a present in the mail from the stunning Marisa. She sent me a beautiful pen, with a card saying she believed in me and had loved reading the short stories I have written. How beautiful a thing is that to do for someone? What a fantastic friend!
I think that I will, in the hope that one day I can return the support and belief in J's dreams. Down the track, when I am old, will I remember the material things I could have acquired? Or will I remember that I took and gamble and went for a dream I have had since I was 12 years old???
One of my dearest friends, Lalee, is going through a really tough time at the moment. She has lost someone close to her, and is hurting a great deal. It breaks my heart to see her so upset, I care so much for this girl.
Grief is awful, I wish I could make it all better, but nothing I can do will help unfortunately. The introduction I would normally give this gorgeous, hilariously funny, and fiesty woman seems irreverent given where she is at at the moment, but since she is a big part of my life, and coming to Italy with me, I am sure she will feature frequently in my entries in the future.
Please send her and the family of her loved one much sympathy and love.
For a great book, by a wonderful new author.
Have a read of What Does Blue Feel Like? by Jessica Davidson.
When I decided I wanted a new blog, it was mostly because the name of my current blog mentioned infertility, and that is not where I am anymore. I decided on the address fiestykel as thats a username I use often, and because the blog title was not available as a URL. The title 'Natsukashii' is something that goes way back for me.
I first read of the word in about 99, 00 in a book called 'Expecting Adam' but Martha Beck. It described a feeling that I often have, all the time really. There is no word for it in english language, but it means as the title says. After titling it, I decided pictures of cherry blossoms would look beautiful with it, and given they are also Japanese, were appropriate. Plus, cherry blossoms are coincidentally, my favourite flower!
I decided out of curiosity to look up the meaning of the cherry blossom and I discovered this:
Japanese samurai used to contemplate death. This was not some morbid fixation. Admitting their own mortality forced the warriors to accept that life is a precious and fleeting gift.
They regarded the cherry blossom as a symbol of this insight. Cherry blossoms bloom for a brief period and then fall at the very height of their beauty.
To the samurai this was a melancholy reminder of death amidst life. It was an example of great beauty and sadness.This poignant insight into life and death allowed the samurai to live their lives more fully; they realised that death could come at any moment.*
The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.**
This is firstly appropriate because of how it fits so neatly with the word Natsukashii, but also with me and who I am. I am a person who frequently freaks out and has a bit of a panic because the full impact of my mortality hits me. It creates this thing in me where I do cherish life's beautiful moments and create lasting impressions of things that will never be again... Lately I try more and more to understand that everything is transitory, and there is not point being upset or angry or obsessed with one outcome because everything will pass, good or bad.
I have decided that I now want a tattoo of a cherry blossom and this beautiful word, natsukashii. If I can find the courage to!
* From http://www.dynamicbalancingtaichi.co.uk/Cherry%20Blossom.htm
** From http://ezinearticles.com/?Cherry-Blossom-Tattoos---What-Do-They-Mean&id=239057
Written 31 May 2007
So, I got an email from Captain Feathersword yesterday, as one does. Announcing the Wiggles tour for the end of the year, as per tradition. The boy and I have gone the last 2 years and loved it and he will love it again this year. Tickets aren't on sale for a while yet, but I called my brother and SIL to see if they wanted to take their 1 year old this year with us. They will have another babe by then, so she will stay home with babe and my brother and I will take the kids to The Wiggles.
What is amusing about this is that in the past, it was always my brother who I would go with to see The Tea Party when they were in Australia. It seems very odd and funny to think we have gone from hanging out for TTP tickets and rocking on to that, to taking the kids to see The Wiggles and joining in a rousing chorus of "toot toot chugga chugga."
I feel old! Where did my youth go? To think that the only live act I will see this year is the Wiggles! I mean, sure, credit where due, the guys can dance the cold spaghetti like no one else; but the chances of catching a drumstick or choking on the hair of the mosher in front of me are far slimmer. It wasn't THAT long ago that I saw Tool, TTP and a bunch of others in the same year. And yet here I am. And I wouldn't change it for the world.
It's a Wiggly fiesta indeed.
Written 26 May 2007
So, I am writing. And writing some more... For uni, I have done a few creative pieces, 2 major ones that I am mostly happy with, but not thrilled. They have potential, I think, but they are not at a level where I am wholly satisfied.
Nevertheless. They are necessarily short ones, 3000 words-ish. But it is important to me that I get something of decent length finished. I am obsessed by that bloody word count function. I use it all the time, am I there yet? Am I there yet? I know I have to get something of at LEAST 50,000 words and preferably 100,000 before I can call it a real deal manuscript. I have 8000. arghhhh! So very very far to go.
It wont be publishable but thats not the point at the moment, the point is to practice the craft and to get something - ANYTHING - finished! It will come. I know it will. Having a Vertical Horizon music phase at the moment. And Jeff Buckley's death anniversary is Tuesday, so whack on Grace or Sketches and remember....
Written 3 April 2007
Some amazing stuff. Very emotional. Please support these entries, and in fact, infertility in general.
Written 20 March 2007
I am going to Italy. Woot!!! Finally, I am going "home" (as much as an Aussie with Irish heritage can go home to Italy...) Spiritually home?
Just a very short trip with a friend, and still a loooong 6 months away. But the passion! The excitement! Buon Viaggia me!
Written 19 February 2007
A literary piece????
I dont think I can. How utterly intimidating. What have I gotten myself into???
Written 12 February 2007
Ok, so I admit it, I am an Adam Sandler fan. I think hes hilarious, if you are in the right mood. So, I hired Click over the weekend and J and I watched it together.
Fucking hell! In future, Adam Sandler, if you are gonna do a switch from funny to serious then TELL ME IN ADVANCE. I wanted funny! I was so depressed by the end of it. Sure it had a message... but fuck.
I think it was depressing because it was a shock, I was thinking woohoo gonna laugh.. and ended up wondering wtf?! It was just sad... I hope I am never guilty of missing anything important in life. Bah!!
Written 12 February 2007
I found an obscure site that was updating results as they were decided, and the entire time I was thinking... what a statement would be made if the Dixie Chicks were able to win Album of the year, or even better, completely scoop the lot.
I got more and more vocal, because that is exactly what happened! Producer of the year (non classical), Best Country Album, Best Country Vocal Performance by a Duo or Group, and the 3 big ones - Best Song (writer), Best Record and Best Album.
I am not a country fan, in fact was not even a huge chicks fan (J was) until their statement and the ensuing bullshit that came from it... End last year we saw them live and they are just brilliant, I was a convert.
The shit that they copped for what was essentially not even that provocative was astounding. I am still waiting for Shut Up And Sing to screen here. Freedom Of Speech is supposed to be what America was all about, yet they were targetted, and people tried to destroy them, their careers and all they had worked for, all because they were ashamed to be from texas like that moron George Bush (moron comment my own!)...
How sweet this must be for them. How validating. How deserved! Woot!!!!!
Written 7 February 2007
Well, of preschool, which being montessori, is cycle 1. I was heartbroken. He was slightly hesitant, bit wobbly smile... but ok. I cried for an hour. I missed my boy!!!
I know he is ready, I know he is in the best possible place, and I know we will get used to it and that all helps a lot. Its just this, the first of many times of letting go, is painful.
Sigh. I dont want to do this all again tomorrow. 3 mornings a week is a lot compared to.. well.. none!? It gets easier eventually - doesn't it???!
Written 26 January 2007
Thanks to anyone who voted, I won :) Feel very encouraged.
Have started the reading for uni this year, christ almighty - I am not going to have 5 minutes to myself soon. So much reading, so much writing... I am also considering going for Editor of the off campus mag, would be a good experience, and something I am passionate about having studied DE for so long. See how I go.
So incredibly excited about it, its just... have you ever done something and thought this is exactly what I am meant to be doing, this is so incredibly "right" ???? Its an awesome feeling.
Also, see below for the book I just read, it is BRILLIANT. Its about a Doctor who was in a severe road accident (cleaned up by a semi) and his recovery. His words translate across to any deep suffering one might experience - emotional or physical. Definitely given where I am now and my last year, I could relate so clearly to so much, it was very powerful. It is reading for a unit at uni, so I am pretty intrigued now, to read some of the others for that class.
Life is so good right now, everything is how I want it to be, and I am so happy, hopeful and content about my present and future. Its a kick arse feeling!!!!!
Written 14 January 2007
As you may know, I want to try writing, cue my grad dip/masters. I recently joined some writing forums. I decided to get myself used to sharing my work before doing so at uni, I have not shared it for YEARS.
So I put some up on one site and got some good, constructive and positive critiques, which was encouraging in itself. And at another, I decided to enter their current writing contest, just before it ended. Today they listed the finalists to be put to vote by members, and I am one of them!!!
Feeling really stoked, bugger winning, this is huge in itself! Pretty sure theyre being careful with votes, but if you feel sorry for me and want to check it out and vote (or vote against me if you must :P ) The site is http://www.writingforums.org/index.php
And the contest forum is toward the top. Woot! Id like to get ONE vote thats not my own, but that'd really just be greedy!
Written 3 January 2007
2006 was good and bad for us, mostly good I think. Personally, it was a year of a lot of grieving for me, but I think I have made progress, and I feel good about the future for the 3 of us.
We moved yet again, weird circumstances, super stressful, but turned out to be absolutely perfect. Perfect house, perfect town, closer to the folks, and perfect school for our son. Fell into place amazing well, very much meant to be and we are incredibly happy here.
I spent a year studying italian and loved every second of it, though to become fluent would take a hell of a lot longer. I have a much better understanding than before, particularly reading comprehension, I loved studying the language!
J and I loooved watching the soccer world cup and seeing the aussies do so well, it was so exciting, many a late night and early morning screaming and jumping up and down was had! I still say we were robbed... ;)
The commonwealth games were held here in Melbourne.. turned out to be fairly low key, though I am still wondering what the hell the point of the duck was in the opening ceremony.
Our beloved Sydney Swans made the grand final second year running but we lost this one by ONE point. Heartbreaking but also exciting to watch.
We also watched with interest and baited breath when the 2 miners were trapped in the Tassie mine for 2 weeks, 1km underground. Terrifying, but they made it, remember watching that at 6am or so when they made it out, was such a relief for me as a stranger watching, imagine he families and their own. Amazing!
We went on holidays to Philip Island, was all about the F-man though, he was spoilt rotten and had a ball. As it was again in December when we had xmas parties, wiggles concerts and presents galore, and then a weekend back in Warrnambool, first time since leaving which was pretty cool.
Theres been hellish bushfires in our state this past month or so, when the wind is a certain direction, we have had scarily thick smoke right across the state, hundreds and thousands of kms from the fires. Visibility here is normally 20-30km or so, but was down to 2km. It was eery. In the towns closeby to the fires, it was like midnight in the middle of the afternoon it was so dark. Creepy... Then a week later they had snow there which helped.. but.. freak weather. Mother natures sooo pissed.
Lots of tragic losses in Australia this year, all in the last few months as well, Steve Irwin - that was heartbreaking. He was such a big character, and did so much for wildlife and conservation, kids LOVED him. It was sad, with 2 young kids, a devoted wife... just awful. Sure, sometimes I cringed at his larrikin behaviour, and wondered if he was for real but what a guy, what a loss.
Also, Peter Brock, a racing legend, just a few weeks later, and Colin Thiele, author of Storm Boy. Then Belinda Emmett, who fought cancer for so long, leaving behind her husband, Rove. Their love was so beautiful and obvious, and so precious and untouchable... so tragic. All losses that made me hold my husband and son a little longer, and tell them a little more often that I love them, life is truly too short.
So, what of 2007? I am determined to hunt my creativity gene down, starting with attempts at writing through my masters. My darling boy starts preschool 3 mornings a week, I am trying desperately not to think about it at the moment. I am going to miss him like crazy, I thought i had another year at home with him before this, but montessori starts this early. Hes sooo ready, he loved his 2hour a week sessions he did at the end of 2006. So that will be an adjustment - for me!
What else? I don't know, but I feel good about it, I feel like things are turning our way, and that good things are ahead. I hope so!
Happy New Year!
Written 12 January 2007
Okay, so, the last 12 months I spent grieving my infertility, and inability to give my son a sibling. Lots of anger, lots of bitterness, lots of pain. Almost exactly 12 months after deciding to stop treatment, something just changed in my head.
I don't know what it was, nothing I can pinpoint, but suddenly I just knew that it was done. It wont ever be a clean break, I am sure I will always have moments - I will always be infertile. But I feel positive. I feel excited, and I feel hopeful, and those feelings feel like strangers almost!
I was able to grieve and be accepted in that grief, even though it was not a conventional loss, and I think that is what enabled me to find this peace. I am excited about the opportunities we will provide our son with, and I am excited about the things that are in my life right now.
I feel like I have to let go of the negative to make room for the positives that I know will come. I can feel them waiting, and so I feel like I am closing the door on it all. Its a bit scary, it has sort of defined who I am for so long. I feel like I am closing the door on the girls I still support with their infertility stuff too, but I am not. I just need to take a step back, and get some balance.
I feel like I am on the verge of big happiness, and I can choose to stay where its comfortable, in what I know, in whats familiar, even though mostly negative in its very nature. Or I can step off the cliff and find out what might catch me.
I think I am ready to jump.
Written 20 December 2006
Ok, so I am home... And yes, I took the laptop, and yes, I sat in the motel room at 130pm Monday and bidded til I won my sticks. Am over the moon!!!! (And a touch pathetic for doing so!)
Written 15 December 2006
Ok, so the wonderful Jeff Burrows, ex the tea party, has announced and listed his final, EVER, charity auction on ebay, for the Transition to Betterness charity. Ebay Auction List
You can read about the Transition to Betterness Charity by clicking here. and about the Jeff Burrows auctions and work he has done for them right here.
What this means is that fans like me, can buy rare memorabilia, have it personalised and signed etc.. This is the 10th and final haul of goodies and it has some amazing stuff amongst it. I am drooling... now international shipping, and popular items means it could be an expensive exercise, but so worth it... not just to myself for the precious items, but because the charity is one worth donating to. Items include platinum record awards, rare CDs, drums, posters, clothing etc.
I have my heart set on many items, some I could win, some well out of my budget! The problem is this, J has t go away for work this weekend, back to the seaside place we lived for almost 10 years, where we met, had our son... and I haven't been back for 2 years.. this is a work funded trip, and the 3 of us are going. We'd be mad not to. I would love to catch up with old friends and do some beach adventures with the boy, where he was born.
Of course, we are going from Sun-Tues, and when does the charity auction end? Monday afternoon. I could cry!!!! :( All I can do is enter a max bid on a couple of items and hope for the best. Problem being, I wanted to see them all end and bid where I could afford to, to me, its not actually so much what the item is, but that its TTP rare stuff... So I could end up with a bunch I shouldn't really afford, or nothing... and as I said, this is the last of these auctions. How frustrating!!!!
Written 29 November 2006
I was accepted into the postgrad course to do fulltime next year!! A grad Dip in Literary Studies, which seems to me to be more of a fun exercise than a pathway to a career, a bonus that it is both. I do fear I am addicted, I remember the speaker at my BA grad ceremony saying study was addictive... it is. Ive done my BA, half a BSW at Monash, a few units of a BBus/Tourism at SCU... and now this looms. I love to learn!
I am really excited about it, its through Deakin, which is where I got my BA. They even assigned me back my old student number which was bizarre, like slipping on a pair of old comfy slippers. I have selected my units and first semester I will be doing 'Driven to Write,' 'The other side of the world: Literature of sadness - the body - mind in crisis,' 'Fiction Writing A' and 'Editing.'
Second semester will be 'Texts for young adults,' Life writing,' 'travel writing' and 'Fiction Writing B.' I have tried to keep a focus on the fact that I am likely to do a grad dip Education the year after, with a view to english teaching in secondary school for a while... At the same time, I have included units that appeal to me, just because.
My wonderful man is buying me an ibook for christmas, so I can type wherever I like, and it just feels good and right. In my search to find out which, if any, texts are assigned to my units, I came across a book that I have glanced at before - 1001 books to read before you die.
If I start now, and finish one a week, thats roughly 20 years. Best get started? One of a few lists can be seen clicking this link.
Not sure where to start, at least I can rule some already read off... even so, thats one hell of a list, and they aren't light reading! Right now, I am immersed in the Bookseller of Kabul by Asne Seierstad, a birthday present from J's mum, and am really enjoying it. Amazing how many worlds away it is from the life I live.
Would you attempt such a list? What would be your 'must' reads?
Written: 20 November 2006
So what of the next year? Someone asked this on a website I use and it was a good thing to consider. Bit early for resolutions (that I dont think I have ever kept anyway), but good to set some goals.
I applied to do a postgrad qualification so I am hoping I am accepted. I have been studying tourism, and I have enjoyed it, but I dont think it will fit with what I want the next few years of my life to be. Its all about long hours and shift work and rotating rosters. Thats fine when my boy, F, is a little older, but in his early school years, I dont want to be too far away. I could always return if I wanted to anyway.
So I thought I would dig out my so far useless Bach Arts degree and get a postgrad in teaching, and teach secondary for a while. Its the other job that has always held appeal for me. I could get the Grad Dip in Education next year and be ready to teach, but all I could teach would be philosophy, psychology and social ed/sociology. So I decided, I have 2 years before I want to go back to work fulltime, so I will spend next year getting a post grad in literary studies so I can add english to my potential classes. Admittedly, there is also an element in there of doing literature for the sheer pleasure of it. NERD!
Since F will be at kindergarten 3 mornings a week, I can study full time (have managed a half load the last 18 months with him home fulltime). I am going to need something to fill that time. I am dreading him going!
He has started last week doing 2hours a week to get him used to it for the 3 mornings next year. He LOVED it. I know he is so ready and will thrive, so I am happy, but of course, the part of me letting go for the first real time is sad. I feel like its the beginning of the end of my job as a full time mother... it is. But thats not entirely bad... just a wee bit sad. Its gone so fast and I have adored every second.
Which makes me think about the whole should we have more children thing again... Will make a decision in the next few months about returning to fertility treatment. Have had 12 months off now, and had decided that was it and was struggling to accept that. Then I realised I dont have to say its definitely over, I can always change my mind! It sounds simple but it was liberating. So, I'll decide... one day...
Speaking of infertility, next year a weekend away is being planned with the small group of women who have been like my support group through infertility. All 7 of us face fertility "challenges" (HA!) and have become like family, and we are scattered across Australia, so we have marked the long weekend in March as one we will spend together, drinking, eating and being merry! (Unless of course, theyre all up the duff, which would mean I'd drink alone for the 7 of us! Woot!)
Also want another holiday with my boys next year, and to spend more time with my beautiful little niece. I just feel like its going to be a good year.
Written: October 20, 2006
Why is it that somehow, I seemed to have missed out on the creativity gene? I swear I have tried so many different things to see where it may lie, but I think its a sad fact that I just don't have it.
I can't play an instrument, I can't draw a stick figure, I can't sculpt, I can't write, when I sing I sound like someone has run over my foot in their car... and so on...
This might be okay if I was not interested in the arts, but I am! I love music, especially stuff with substance. I love reading, and I think writing is a brilliant art form, I love photography, painting, pottery, mosaic... So it is frustrating that I am not good at any of these things. I think artists in all areas are the most talented, gifted people.
I hope that my son will develop and inherit what skipped over me, because I think it must be an amazing feeling to be able to create something from within, and have it be enjoyed by and have it inspire even strangers. Or to express how you think and feel in such a beautiful way.
Of course, being bad at these things, does not mean I can't do them and enjoy myself, it just means I can't inflict them on the world - be grateful!